[hitomikashiwa]

fraise 18 theythem 🦀

i like pokemon and azula

i also make homestuck art @2844532

[freakenomenon]

i hate to have to address this but I do not like or wish to have anyone who uses the proship label on my account, in that same vein, i do not want anybody who uses the anti label on my account. in my experience both people who insist on pushing and upholding these labels are disgustingly obnoxious and equally as vile when it comes to treating victims and otherwise "taboo" or unsavory topics.

i consider myself to be anti-censorship, but i do not think fiction, kinks, paraphillias, "thought crimes" or whatever they want to call it exist in a vacuum. anti-censorship seems to only extend to incest rape porn and AO3 fanfiction to a large majority... which is really funny. sorry. this is supposed to be serious.

i myself am a victim of rape, CSA, I am a victim of incestuous abuse. I have experienced intense racial trauma throughout my upbringing. I am GOING to portray these things on my account. It is absolutely a way for me to cope. I do not consider people who use "proshipping" as a way to cope as disgusting or immoral, as it is something that all victims of anything will do, one way or another, if not replicated through art, then by some other means. this still doesn't mean that this method is entirely healthy and safe. it can absolutely be harmful.

TLDR: i hold intense boiling vitriol for proshippers and likewise, but in that same vein of the internet antis have come to a tie with that group. and my stance is. i think it depends.

im also not going to put the label anti censorship or pro fiction or taboo fiction or anything of the sort on my account, because again, all of these labels are held by a majority that is notorious and infamous for a reason.

im probably going to chase a lot of people off my account with this statement. and i apologize, but this just isn't the space for you.

[isuggestrape]

I have a suggestion!

[freakenomenon]

nigga i suggest you slit your fucking wrists

[hitomikashiwa]

yes

[hitomikashiwa]

literally incapable of sleeping recently even though i didn't sleep last night lol ok this is definitely because i decided to stop taking my seroquel because it makes me fat but.

i love love love reading about people dealing w past traumas and working through their memories and experiences because it really gives me hope for therapy and is also just interesting. however. it's always crazy to me to see how kind people are to their younger selves....... if i could get away with it i'd absolutely kill 11 year old me or 15 year old me and so on. like fuck that bitch lol. people are so sympathetic to their past selves and i just cannot do it, i hate past me so much lol. idgaf what they were going through, every single thing just makes me want to kill myself. this is probably something in particular i need to talk about with my therapist, but im awful at directing the conversation. we are talking about stpd and schizophrenia now at least finally. i wonder if that will improve my life literally at all. unsurprisingly as a person who is conscious i cant help but doubt myself over whether i do actually have schizophrenia. like yes i do experience delusions, but if i have a voice in my head that stays calm almost no matter what and tells me 'lol stop freaking out you stupid bitch' then are they truly delusions. yes i experience hallucinations, but only when im tired so.... yes i experience disorganized speech, grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior, and general negative symptoms but is that schizophrenia or me being a depressed autistic lazy piece of shit lol. i guess mostly the technique is to think about if the way people cure schizophrenia will cure me, and well. the medication is (was) working. who knows about the therapy though. i am so incompatible with therapy it feels like. dissociation is not something id say i experience often (im too present in my own head for that!) but god it does come up like crazy during therapy, and i have no idea why lol. it also doesn't help that i have a generally awful personality. i do wish, selfishly, that i had some kind of like... event i could tie everything back to, something worse than just my stupid parents divorce lol. i feel like everything would be so much easier with that kind of cause and solution scenario. all i really want is to be able to understand myself. but shit doesn't add up and it sucks. why am i so unnaturally paranoid, beside the genetic stuff. why do i feel this way about this or that, when there's no reason to. i hate just being a product of a mediocre environment. my problems are clearly debilitating enough that i can't have any friends, cant leave my house alone, cant work, cant fucking do anything, and yet my circumstances are 'parents got divorced, dad was depressed for a while, got cyberbullied for a bit and became a shut in' lol. lol lol lol lol lol lol. it's nothing and yet im like this. maybe the real problem is it all made me avoidant and lazy and not that i can't actually do all that shit but i don't know if i like that mindset. whatever bro i have school tomorrow FUCK summer classes

[hitomikashiwa]

I went to the store with my sister and i felt as if i slipped into a different dimension in the memory, i remember things differently from how they were experienced at times despite it only being a week or so ago, it was a "liminal" space and it feels like something lost to time and it hurts a little to think about. i was listening to piano music the entire time that's probably why it hurts

[hitomikashiwa]

Trying to get my thoughts in order on the perspectives inside of me for when i see my therapist next:

The closest metaphor i can get to how i experience life and myself as a being is existing as a camera. As in i am a lens that takes in information to be stored for later and nothing more. I lack the interior others have because i/my brain exists to file and document information, not to exchange it or generate it from inside of myself. I'm a one way system. This is how i experience social interactions. i dont do anything but take in the information i was given because i have no information within myself. I wish often this was different and that there was more internality to myself but it doesn't exist. I am an empty cartridge and a box of other people's experiences and not my own because a camera can't experience life like that you know.

The other part of how i experience things.. my way of going about social situations. I know the simple explanation for all of this is : 'I sometimes say things i don't mean in the heat of an argument.' But that is not the full case, it is more complex. There are more layers to it. There are more voices. I have a fast brain, i am able to imagine every scenarios outcome, and i still feel out of control over what i end up picking. I feel as if there's a part of me that's been locked out of the control room. Many even. I feel as if im back-seating my own life often and watching a show where my character lacks passion and has been flanderized. The same actions on repeat for seasons and seasons reduced to the same character interactions with no further development or big decisions.

[zegalba]

[coolmugsifound]

"Desktop computer" E&B Giftware mug (1993)

source

[hitomikashiwa]

Ever since i started the only antipsychotics that have worked thus far (Seroquel) i have stopped making art altogether. I think ive sketched like twice for 15 minutes altogether. I cant even bring myself to open my notebook, and looking at art no longer makes me feel like drawing myself. I bought crime and punishment two days ago but i cant really push myself to read past the 10th page just because i get tired and decide to take a nap. The thing is they really do work, so i dont want to be taken off of it, because even though i still have the thought patterns of the typical crazy person (Can't go outside or ill be killed or kidnapped/both), i dont have long episodes every night of genuinely living out five nights at freddy's, which is especially necessary right now as i'm living alone for the next week or so. Also i feel tired basically all the time and my sister and father just basically told me get on the treadmill fat piggy for no reason. Unless i am getting fat. So. Like. Maybe i'll just kill myself but the lexapro has made me too mentally stable to really consider that either so

Also it makes my legs restless and now i can't sleep with pants on

[cluttrbugs]

Busy Working Day, 2007

[hitomikashiwa]

Can an girl join tumblr for real in 2026

[hitomikashiwa]

Life would be a lot easier if people would start using periods to separate letters in acronyms again

[badassdemonsword]

[egregore-engine]

Objectively correct stance to have

[prezohhh]

i'm fucking gay im sorry im gay.

[alivehouse]

ull be like “i think its fucked up that the dsm has a diagnosis called ‘crazy emotional psycho bitch disorder’ which is highly stigmatized and 90% of people diagnosed with it are women and due to stigmatization someone diagnosed with it is significantly more likely to be hospitalized than someone with a different yet very similar and less stigmatized diagnosis” and someone will chime in like “TRUE ☝️ we should be diagnosing more men with crazy emotional psycho bitch disorder to make it even 🙏”

[kosmogrl]

[lunarriviera]

[transfemmbeatrice]

thought of this immediately and was delighted to discover it’s the same op

[lspark]