Tales of a Holy Fucker

🫢 guardian of secrets 🥝 I will maul your dad🤍 I have many layers, including fruitcake. 🫙been here over 15 years.

[sapper-in-the-wire-old]

[huariqueje]

Green Haven - Dimitri Desiron , 2025

Belgian , b. 1971 -

Oil on canvas , 40 x 40 cm.

[diabolicalevil]

[godisafujoshi]

[bettedavisgf]

it’s okay las vegas is going to blow up this summer

[thelastgoodcountry]

Persepolis, Marjane Satrapi

[theonion]

Last Living Millennial Dies

[tony-the-tigers-juicy-armpit]

Me: am I gonna recover from tuberculosis 😢😢

My Etsy tarot deck: 𝓼𝓲𝔁 𝓸𝓯 𝓼𝓽𝓻𝓪𝔀𝓫𝓮𝓻𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓼

[filmphotofranz]

source

[wildeoscars]

CONTROL IT!!!

[cacavape]

i love high contrast photos of fruit floating threateningly in the night

[poolboydivision]

I don’t believe such a thing exists

[cacavape]

[poolboydivision]

I was mistaken

[scrupulosity-comics]

sometimes instead of a horrid little monk, divine visions of lesbians dance in my head dispensing wisdom

[scrupulosity-comics]

[fizzfags]

how it feels to wash your hair and brush your teeth and have clean clothes on

[doomdaysdecays-deactivated20251]

ooooo you wanna take a shower so bad

[vampireopossum]

[auckie]

Gd I am so into Lili Reinhart. She’s so fucking boring. She’s like. The smart safe look, the kind of person a white mother wants her white son to bring home. I have like a weird white girl/boy heartland John cougar Mellon camp Friday night lights daydream idk why. It’s like not even a fantasy I’m just so preoccupied witj it like. Even outside of riverdale look at this

It’s 1999 and she’s into Seinfeld, all she wants to do is make popcorn while you run to Hollywood video and pick a winner. She likes basketball and you both live in coastal/mid California and vacation in norcal every year

It’s 1987 and she works at a family practice obgyn as an administrator/receptionist and is super nice to all the teen girls who come in really nervous, and takes extra time to try and calm them down, but hates the head doctor who’s an old man that looks like a turtle

It’s 2006 and she’s your gf from Jersey who loves Aly and aj, the Cheesecake Factory, and reading people magazine. She always leaves her lancome juicy tubes around your place, sometimes on a window sill wherein the heat makes them sorta explode/melt

Is 2013 and you’re at a party in san Diego that’s trying really hard to imitate Project X, but hardly anyone is there, they’re blasting pursuit of happiness and then doses of mimosas and sleepyhead and Matt and Kim and then all of oracular spectacular and congratulations and instead of having fun you’re having a really bad trip and getting nostalgic bc the musics not that old but old enough to make you think of highschool, which you’re out of now, and so you’re sitting staring into your drink at the pool and she comes over witj some in n out and starts massaging your shoulders like it’s a movie and you’re some ugly skinny white guy who deserves her attention and you think she’s a model but she’s not she’s just some random white girl also having a really bad trip and she thinks you’re a tech start up weirdo

Ok. Ok I just realized I spent a really long time writing this while watching riverdale which is insane sorry I do have one more but it’s not loading either and I have to go to bed

[auckie]

Ok wait last one. It’s 1979 and you’re getting into the stock market. You own these:

And won’t let her touch them. You love quaaludes, race horses, and corvettes but you’re poor as fuck afyer buying these MACHINES and spend all your time playing MUDS, telling you’re beautiful but sad and alcoholic wife you’re learning how to code. She reeks of aqua net and the only thing you have in common is loving John Waters and being attracted to divine. You hate her Italian family and she hates your Irish German family, but you both want a daughter and a horse and she seems to beleive in you, so she stays

[auckie]

She just got off from her company’s opening night of Chicago, in which she got booed off stage, and you just suggested getting Chinese food after handing her a wilted bouquet. She’s clearly furious but since she doesn’t have a job and is solely relying off the money you make from sucking dick behind the bodega, shes doing the mental math of how much longer she has to stay witj uou until she can busk her way out of newark and to LA, where she’s going to audition for this new gritty reimagining of the Archie comics that the CW is doing

[evilvillain123456789]

The year is 2019 and you just had your adult circumcision appointment. You come home, wobbling through the door with your detatched foreskin clutched tightly in your left fist. She’s already upset about your decision, but then she sees the blood staining your pants like a piss stain, and dripping down your hand and forearm. And then, she spots your semi. This is where she becomes hysterical. The tears start first, just as the crockpot in the kitchen starts to beep: the Buffalo chicken dip, and then you hear the cacophonous wail of children screaming and glass breaking down the hall. You have some friends staying over and seem to have turned the playroom into a free for all human beer pong tournament, the kids serving as the projectiles. It also just so happens to be Super Bowl Sunday, and by now your pants are full of shit and blood and She is shrieking, throwing her hands over her ears and howling like a rabid wolf at the sight of your little pink tube falling out of your trouser leg along with a gallon of pus and piss. The children have escaped and your friends have begun full on swinging like the pits opened at a Dave Matthew’s concert. The last thing you see before hitting the cold linoleum tile of the foyer is Lili Reinhart aka Elizabeth Cooper aka your tradwife goddess, projectile vomiting over through her perfectly manicured but vain fingers.

[auckie]

[wifehaver103947]

can anyone help me with showijg tbis to a european as fast as possible

[diabonoquarto]

hi european here. what the fuck is that

[wifehaver103947]

🎇🎆🎇

UNCONTESTED

DIVORCE $399

SPOUSE’S SIGNATURE NOT REQUIRED

🎆🎇🎆

(plus court fees)

[hbmmaster]

a girl was born in 1986. she is still alive today and just had her fortieth birthday. how is this possible?

[frodo-of-the-nine-fingers]

you want to try pilates? the thing that killed jesus christ superstar??

[spaghetti-machete]

@apocrypals