I’m walking everywhere like this from now on.
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@hopefulgarbage
I’m walking everywhere like this from now on.
hot take maybe but spinach is superior to lettuce in basically every conceivable way
*eyes snap open at 3:47am* i’m unlovable
That’s a deep… dock.
by Penzilla
Tumblr: @pennypenzilla
This is like “do you love the color of the sky” but good
[picks up an alligator and kisses it]
the alligator kisses back
but watch out
Funny Animal Snapchats That Will Leave You With The Biggest Smile
I love genuinely innocent “boys will be boys.” Just saw a guy come out of a frat house to poke a pair of jeans they’d left outside - they were frozen solid, and as soon as he confirmed that, like twenty more boys came rushing out of the house going “YOOOOOOOOOO”
I heard grunting outside my window the other night and there were four boys struggling to push this giant snowball (like 7 foot diameter) down the sidewalk.
I once lost my keys at a frat house.
My drunk ass had actually walked home without them, pounded on my apartment door, gotten let in by my rightfully-disgruntled roommate, and proceeded to pass out on the couch. Apparently I puked in the toilet before passing out. I do not remember this part.
The next morning, I schlepped back to the frat house. I stood there, right in front of the front door. This was a novel experience for me. I’d never been at a frat house in broad daylight before.
A boy, presumably, of the house, asked me what I was doing.
“I lost my keys in here last night,” I called back. “I was seeing if I could go in and look for them?”
He opened the door and gestured for me to come in.
“Go wherever you want.”
I’d never seen a frat house post-party before. Wandering up the stairs and through the halls, I was surrounded by hungover and still-drunk frat boys stumbling around in their socks and sandals and gym shorts, seeking out food and showers like moths to a porch light. A few of them threw puzzled glances my way. I’m sure they thought I was some post-bacchanalia hallucination.
I entered one room where a boy was drunkenly watching some Old Yeller-esque movie on a tiny TV in the corner of his room from his bed.
“Do you like dog movies?” he asked, voice all mumbly from grogginess and also from the fact that his face was squished against his pillow and half-buried by his blanket.
I told him I did.
He mumbled again, pleased, and asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking for my keys.
“Sorry, I haven’t seen any keys around here.”
I didn’t doubt him.
Twenty minutes had passed. I’d searched just about every bedroom and nuclear-waste-dump-site of a bathroom in that house. I’d given up on ever finding my keys and was prepared to beg my roommates’ forgiveness and get a new set copied.
As I stood there in the hallway, silently bewailing my predicament, a particularly-burly frat boy approached me.
“You need help with something?”
“I lost my keys here last night and I can’t find them, I’ve looked everywhere.”
“What do they look like? I’ll put it into the group chat.” He was already pulling out his phone.
No one ever checks a group chat, I thought, but what the hell. It was worth a shot. “Um, it’s just a ring of keys. The keychain is a pink plastic cat, though, like yea big. Like bright pink, you can’t miss it.”
He nodded, presumably typing this description faithfully into the group chat.
“Alright, I sent the message out. Good luck.”
And with that, he turned and left.
A few moments later, I heard a distant thundering. It was coming from upstairs, and it was getting louder and louder. One assumes that how I felt in that moment was how Simba felt seeing the wildebeest stampede through the ravine as a horde of large young men all thundered down the stairs, making a beeling for me.
“Someone tell the girl!” One of them shouted, faceless in the mob. “Girl! Hey, GIRL!!! We found your keys, girl!!!”
They circled around me. I hadn’t felt that small since I was maybe eleven years old. One of them split himself off from the crowd.
“Are these -” he pulled out a ring of keys from his pocket, “your keys?”
And lo, there was the distinctive bright millennial pink cat keychain dangling off the ring.
“Yes,” I whispered. “Oh my god, yes.”
“EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!”
The cheer went up.
Turns out he found them in the bathroom upstairs. I thanked them again profusely. There was a scattered round of “no problems” and then, just as suddenly as they descended, they all dispersed, like ships in the night.
I think the best “Boys will be boys” situations are when they all collectively share one brain cell over the most simple of tasks
Nasal congestion is so stupid. Your body stops breathing properly as a defense mechanism
Plants:
The human body: OH SHIT! *stops breathing to avoid dying"
Shout out to Ellie’s relative who fires a gun in church
raccoons have people hands
or do we have raccoon hands
My last two brain cells
LMAOOOO
how to kiss a boy
grab his waist
slip your hand in his pocket
steal his wallet
dont even kiss him
just run
Oh my f u c k i n g god
@snapplepaps
O h m y g o d
Ya’ll talk about the Mom Friend and the Older Sibling Friend but I hear nothing about the Goblin Friend
Eats food up off the floor screaming something about the five second rule
Sweatpants count as a look
Throws everything in a pile on the nearest surface as soon as they’re home
“Haha that’s gross let me see”
Hoards of some sort. Mugs, pens, notebooks, anything
Sitting in a dark room for hours wrapped up in seven blankets in front of a laptop unblinking
Makes weird noise effects to express emotions
Laying on random surfaces