Fives

My Tumblr train of thought. I have no clue what’s going on. Over 18 and still crying over Stoic’s death.

[argillaforma]

sure sure sure cock-drunk shane but what about cock-drunk ilya like he just got done doing the tornado 3000 to shane’s dick and of course he swallowed every last drop and he’s out of breath and panting and his eyes are half closed and he’s got this stupid dopey smile on his face and his cheeks are pink and his hair is all over the place and he can’t stop nuzzling at shane’s crotch and licking and kissing as he giggles to himself

[what-even-is-thiss]

The reason your snacks are unsatisfying is that you need both carb and protein.

Carb starts your engine, protein keeps it going.

No carb, engine don’t start. No protein, engine dies out fast.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Easy carb add on:

Cookie

Fruit (canned or fresh)

Chips

Piece of bread

Popcorn

Crackers

Easy protein add on:

Nuts

Spoonful of nut butter

Cheese

Roasted chickpea snacks

Glass of milk (dairy or non dairy)

Small canned sausages or similar

[what-even-is-thiss]

Sugar in there.

[what-even-is-thiss]

I am pleased by people messaging me telling me that after adding a carb or protein to their snacks or meals they feel more satisfied all day. Yes, my plan is working. People are getting through their days with less hangry.

[breathbanana]

yuna: ohhhyour son could have made it to the big leagues? if he didn't have that shin injury? and his dad also played travel in high school? yeah that's sweet, I'm sure you guys are reaaally into hockey. anyways my son is shane fucking hollamder, #1 player in the league and he was so good at hockey that he got me a son in law, the #2 player in the league

[shrekhollander]

Au where a Make a Wish little boy from Canada gets to spend an entire day with his favorite Hockey star Ilya Rozanov (he watches Ilya on Vine because Ilya has a Vine where he posts a lot of funny videos of himself and with the Raiders) and Ilya takes him to Build a Bear and the kid has /the audacity/ to dress his bear as Shane Hollander and he names him SHANE HOLLANBEAR and Ilya pretends to be offended but in a cute funny way and the little boy explains that his sister is a big fan of Shane and that when he is gone he wants his sister to have Shanebear to let her know he will always love her and that he is always taking care of her (he is terminally ill) and Ilya's heart breaks.

Ilya and the little boy then visit an arcade, and get ice cream, and go bowling and go to a trampoline park, and Ilya is spotted in all these places holding the Shane Hollanbear and all the shopping bags with the toys he bought fot the kid. Paparazzi find it hilarious Ilya is holding the Shane bear with so much love.

Obviusly he texts his Jane a photograph of the bear and once he is all alone at night he calls Shane and cries talking to him about the amazing kid he meet that day.

[freakoutgirl]

Someone: Hollanov from the special edition of the Heated Rivalry books isn't real and can't hurt you

Hollanov from the special edition of the Heated Rivalry books:

[freakoutgirl]

more info, this book was a part of a collab Rachel Reid did with Mahogany Mail/Marley Must-Reads (whatever that is, I'm not in the romance books community). Here's the other endpaper I found

good news is though that the deluxe version coming out had the endpapers revealed and they look a lot better lol

[cottagehillsunset]

Ilya is used to carrying babies and small children in his arms. Because he used to hold his niece in his arms (though that became less frequent with each summer he went back to Russia) and he's babysat the Pikelings a handful of times now, so yes he knows to support a babie's head and can carry around a toddler no problem.

Cue Ilya making a rare appearance at Bood's Barbeque because it's the team's chance to meet little Milo for the first time. Everyone congratulates the parents and oohs and aaws at Milo. Cue Bood asking "anyone want to hold him?"

And Ilya is the first to volunteer, already reaching out his hands. And Bood, like any new parent, starts the "Alright here we go, now be careful to support the head-" only to trail off because Ilya does not need any help. For some strange reason, Ilya fucking Rozanov is a pro at holding a baby, murmuring to him in Russian swaying him softly in his arms.

The Groupchat ("CenBros NO CAP") goes wild because how the fuck is Rozy so good with babies. And then one of the rookies is like "maybe he has a baby??" and at first everyone scoffs because, hello. This is Ilya Rozanov we're talking about.

On second thought, though.

Ilya did move to Ottawa seemingly out of nowhere.

He did buy a house in the suburbs.

He is strangely secretive about who he's texting all the time.

He is skipping almost every team event.

Suddenly it all makes sense. Ilya has a girlfriend (wife??) and he moved to Ottawa for her so that they could raise their child together. And of course he's almost never attending a team outing or leaving early, he has a child at home! Of course he's secretive about it, Ottawa or not he's still Ilya fucking Rozanov, papped every second day. It only makes sense that he'd want to protect the identiy of his girlfriend (wife??) and child.

The final piece of evidence is overheard by Holmberg and Young on a random Thurday after practice. Ilya clearly hasn't noticed them as he walks to his car, a fond smile on his face and obviously focused on his phone call. "Goodnight, I miss you very much. I will be home soon", he says. It's followed by laughter and Ilya adding that "Yes, of course is necessary! I have been away all day, my daughter must hear me say goodnight to her."

Holmberg and Young (standing next to Young's car and therefore hidden from Ilya's view) stare at each other with open mouths and wide eyes. Because holy fucking shit Rozy just confirmed he has a daughter?? And based on the conversation also a girlfriend/wife??

Meanwhile Shane, who patiently sat next to where Anya was curled up on the couch with his phone on speaker so that Ilya could tell her goodnight, is happily talking with Ilya about what to cook for dinner.

[sabotage-on-mercury]

Now imagine Ilya giving the equivalent to his intense "I. Need. To. Win, fucking FUCK SAN FRANCISCO" speech to the Centaurs before game seven of the playoffs finals, the air is hot with anticipation, Ilya is the general leading them into war and they would all follow him into death and beyond, and Shane gets so hard and so buzzy and subby, the only thing that keeps him from passing out because horny for his feral man is that said man is yelling at them to LOCK the fuck IN and win that motherfucking cup and not that Shane wouldn't be deadset determined to do that anyway but now Ilya basically doms him around on top of it, and Shane CANNOT disobey that command even if he TRIED, his fueled by arousal and he need to please & he will skate like a demon possessed to get them the next cup win

[gloriousclio]

Luke Skywalker put away his targeting computer to destroy the Death Star so I don't need AI to help me write an email.

[mina-logan]

I had to make him into TLG Shane

[mutinsfromthemoon]

a short au idea where shane is using a dating app in the airport while he waits for his flight, scrolling through profiles and mindlessly swiping. he unintentionally swipes left on the most handsome man he’s ever seen and he sighs loudly in frustration when a voice comes from beside him and says “wow, cold rejection” and he looks over and it’s literally the guy he just swiped wrong and he’s like “no it’s not—“ and the guy cuts him off and goes “it’s fine, not the first time a cute guy has rejected me”. the problem is they’re not only on the same flight but seated in the same row, right next to each other. to make things even worse, shane is traveling for his friends wedding (im picturing like troy and harris wedding and shane is harris friend) and guess who else is there? the guy, and now shane has to spend the whole weekend trying to convince ilya that he swiped wrong and he actually wants him, and ilya’s like “you don’t need to make me feel better about it” and shane is literally almost crying because ilya is the love of his life and he just keeps accidentally pushing him away. shane is not the best at socializing, even worse with a man that he wants so bad and is so beautiful. and ilya is not the most confident guy in the world, even though he’s so sure about his sexuality and skill in bed, he’s not sure about his worth beyond that, so it’s just dumb and dumber having a lot of miscommunication while their friends are absolutely losing their minds watching these two idiots dance around each other.

[okoyestrainee]

The Centaurs live by two simple rules.

1. Evan Dykstra has no aux privileges.

2. If you heard something coming from Cap’s hotel room, no you didn’t.

Listen, Shane and Ilya are amazing people and amazing hockey players. They are the GOATs. Individually, they’re phenomenal. On the same team? Married, happy, in love, and on the same team? They’re absolutely unstoppable. Their joy and talent is infectious, seeping into everything and everyone around them. The team as a whole isn’t on a generational run because of #Hollanov alone. The Centaurs as a whole have improved by leaps and bounds in skill, strategy, training, and gameplay because the top players in the league have given their all to bring every last teammate up to their level. The Centaurs are not The Hollanov Show with random, no-name guest stars; they’re The Hollanov Show with a veritable powerhouse of costars who just needed the touch that only Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander seem to have.

So when Bood heard something he absolutely did not want to hear from the hotel room next to his after Shane’s first away game with the team? He ain’t say shit. He learned that night what Ilya sounds like when he’s having his soul snatched. He’s taking that knowledge to the grave and praying someone invents brain bleach before he gets there.

When Wyatt woke up out of a dead sleep after some weird ass hotel art fell onto the floor behind his bed, and he realized it was because the wall he shared with the room next door was fucking rocking? Yeah, he didn’t say a word. He spent half that night staring at the ceiling, trying to will “don’t stop, don’t stop” in Shane’s voice out of his memory.

When LaPointe heard what he thought was someone being murdered, only to realize that Shane’s capable of octaves that could be put to use in voice acting? Yeah, he puts that out of his mind and takes a vow of silence. If he can’t look Roz in the eye when he says “you’re the best” for the next month, that’s his damn business.

When Troy’s on FaceTime with Harris and they both learn what “I’ll lick it off your stretch marks” sounds like in a Russian accent? They hang up and exchange multiple texts, both admitting that it’s insane levels of hot. Then they never speak of it again.

Everyone’s roomed next to the couple for away games at least once. Everyone’s learned things about the First Husbands of Hockey that make them question themselves, their own stamina, their own sexual prowess, and life in general. Most of all, everyone’s acknowledged that what they’ve overheard is absolutely not going to be the thing that ruins the team dynamic or friendships. Not after everything Shane and Ilya have gone through to have this. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not. Saying. Shit. I’m not going to be the one that makes this awkward. Not me.

The problem here is that everyone abides by Rule 2 thinking that nobody else has heard anything. They’ve all “the first rule of overhearing Hollanov sex is that you never acknowledge you’ve overheard Hollanov sex”ed themselves into thinking that nobody else has overheard Hollanov sex. They each think their experience was a one-off, a one-time-thing. They figure there’s no way Shane and Ilya are fucking in every hotel room, every away game, every time.

Until it’s Luca’s turn.

He comes down for breakfast looking like hell. Bags under his eyes, hair a mess, shirt on backwards. It’s clear he hasn’t slept wink. He’ll definitely pass out the second their flight takes off in a few hours.

He keeps his eyes locked on the floor, for fear of making eye contact with anyone. He can’t look at them. They can’t know. They can’t know that he knows what a wooden headboard sounds like when it cracks in half. He can’t live with knowing that they know that he knows what that sounds like.

Unfortunately, Wyatt sits across from him and, purely as a reflex, Luca looks up and politely greets him. And with the way Wyatt’s face just drops, Luca knows he’s cooked.

“No,” Wyatt gasps. “No. Did—you were—…Oh my God. Oh my God.”

Across the room, Bood looks up from his oatmeal and conversation with Young. His face goes from confused to calculating to haunted. Then Young realizes who Bood’s looking at, looks over, and loses himself in a thousand-yard stare of his own.

“I know that face,” he whispers, eyes unblinking. “That’s the face of a man who’s—“

“Heard things,” Bood interjects. “But—“

“Holy shit,” Dykstra says around a mouthful of bagel. “I thought—“

“—it was just me,” Troy murmurs simultaneously. “Have…have we all heard?”

And in that moment, the entire team—minus Ilya and Shane, who are notably absent—comes to several realizations.

1. Yes, they have all heard some manner of freakiness.

2. Hollanov are fucking in every hotel room, every away game, every. Single. Time.

3. They were all pretending not to hear anything for the sake of team cohesion and to protect their friends from embarrassment.

They don’t discuss it any further. The entire team—again, minus Shane and Ilya, who come down to breakfast 20 minutes later in good moods that suddenly make so much sense—nods silently and vows to never speak of this again.

And if management just so happens to gift every player Centaurs-branded noise cancelling headphones before the next away game, that’s purely coincidental.

[emmiegoesinsane]

[elflutter]

re: @themoonandmyman comedy&kink challenge

shane and ilya are 1. rich 2. professional athletes and 3. roleplay freaks

stay with me here... ancient greek olympic roleplay over the summer at the cottage. maybe shane reads a fascinating book about the history of ancient sport, and he won't stop talking about it, and ilya jokingly mentions they should put on their own ancient olympics at the cottage. so obviously they go all out.

shane and ilya compete how the greeks would have: naked and totally covered in olive oil. they set up events like footraces, javelin throwing, discus throwing, wrestling on the lawn outside and make a day of it. the games feel so deeply unserious (everything smells faintly of olives) while also feeling like maybe the most important competition of their lives.

the juxtaposition between them both needing to win with the fact that the other is naked and hot and so fucking athletically competent makes it impossible to keep a straight face. the whole day is filled chirping, giggling, licking olive oil off the other and tumbling together for a quick fuck in the grass before jumping into the lake to clean off, reapplying the oil, and getting back to the games...

the winner gets an obscenely expensive historical replica laurel wreath, and the loser has to do whatever the winner wants ;)

[themoonandmyman]

This is so adorable and so hot they’d literally be playing with hard dicks for 90% of the day. And there’s no way there wouldn’t be oil and sex related injuries

Thank you for participating!

[elflutter]

concussion via slippery oil feet 😔😔😔

[themoonandmyman]

Coach Weibe: Hollander how exactly did you get a concussion during the off season

Ilya: you have heard of downward facing dog yes

Shane: Ilya -

Weibe: what-

Ilya: and you have also heard of something called ‘al fresco’-

Shane, interrupting faster than the speed of light: I fell out of a window

[snowsmoked]

It was common knowledge between Timbit league coaches, premium menswear brands, and the MHL, that there was not much that could deter Yuna Hollander from a task. 

She loved having a task, she excelled at having a task. 

Her current task, while with a bit more moving parts than others, was her most interesting task since Shane was 4 and Get Him into the MHL slotted into her mind. This task was a curly haired Russian, that she spent the better part of the decade indignantly annoyed at, sitting in her living room looking through a baby photo album with her husband while her red-faced son pointedly watched an uninteresting rerun game on the television. 

She leaned against the doorframe, allowing herself a moment to enjoy something she was starting to worry she would never have - Shane with a partner. Over the years, her vision of her son’s future shifted from him and hockey-loving, kind wife to him with a husband. But never could she have thought Rozanov would be that husband. Not that they were husbands - apparently they were only boyfriends as of a few days ago. 

Still, she always joked to her friends that Shane was married to hockey. His hockey rival and second best player in the league was probably as close as he could legally get to marrying hockey. 

She must have let out a small laugh that Shane misinterpreted as being directed at David showing Ilya photos of his fifth halloween - the first one where he was old enough to choose his own outfit. And, exactly two months after he started playing hockey. 

“Mom!” He whined. ‘Fully grown adult’ her ass. 

“Yes, honey?”

“A hockey player, Hollander?” Ilya teased, delight shining through his features. 

“Not just any player,” he grumbled. 

“You’ll never guess what he was next year.”

“Not the same one!” Shane protested. Ilya must not have realized that he stumbled into a decades long argument that no, Shane, dressing up as different hockey players is not a different costume. 

Eventually the conversation transitioned into dinner. After it was decided there wasn’t much at the house, and they couldn’t go out with Ilya with them, something that sent a little pang of hurt through Yuna’s chest, they all got on their various food delivery apps to look for a suitable place. 

Then eventually settled on a sushi-fusion restaurant that Ilya found and his phone was passed around for everyone to place their orders. 

When Ilya got his phone back, Shane leaned over and asked, “how much is mine and my parents?”

Ilya scoffed, a little insulted. Though he shouldn’t be, Yuna considered, Shane had always had a very rigid sense of fairness and would get upset if he thought something was unfair. A lot of people found it annoying. Yuna found it incredibly sweet. 

“I am worth 12 million dollars, Hollander, I think I can afford DoorDash.” 

“12 million?” Yuna’s eyebrows shot up. Because, what. That couldn't be his total net worth, could it?

“Yes, I am very rich.” 

“No, that’s…” she trailed off. “What are you spending so much money on?”

“Jesus mom, you can’t just ask that.”

“What? It’s a perfectly reasonable question. Between his MHL salary and sponsorships, that’s low.”

“That is low?” Ilya looked at Shane. “How much money do you have in bank?”

Shane groaned. “You’re as bad as her. And most of my assets are tied up in investments and stocks.” 

Ilya had a blank look. “Okay.” 

“Ilya, do you have a financial advisor?” Yuna asked. “Or a wealth manager?”

“I think so?” 

Yuna clicks her tongue. Task. 

“Shane’s net worth is public information - he’s worth about 120 million. He has about an eighth of that in liquid assets - money in the bank.” 

“You really have that much money?” 

“He’s the highest paid player in the league,” Yuna said with no small amount of pride. She did negotiate a ground breaking 8 year 50 million dollar contract after his rookie season. “He also has nine premium sponsors, not to mention his investment portfolio. You should be nearly at that too - you two have had very similar careers.” 

“Hmm,” Ilya shrugged and turned to her son. “Is okay, you can be my - what is the word, sugar daddy?”

“Never say that again.” 

“Anyway,” Yuna continued. “I can send you some recommendations for an advisor. I mean, it's your money of course, but it can go fast. Especially with how early hockey players generally retire. Or if you get injured, god forbid.”

“No, it’s,” Ilya shifted in his seat, eyes cutting to Shane. “That is good. You can send advisor details. Thank you.” 

“Of course,” Yuna dismissed. Ilya thanked them much too often. But it didn’t feel performative. It felt genuine. 

~*~*~*~

Eventually, Yuna got an opportunity to sit down with Ilya and his new financial advisor. He had asked her, somewhat shyly, if she would attend their meeting. Now that he and Shane were out, he had decided to take her up on the new advisor. But, as he told her, he was still not so good at English business terms. 

She had felt so warm that he asked her. 

She felt a little less warm that he asked her not to tell Shane what they were doing. As far as Shane knew, they were getting lunch. 

She understood when she started looking over the documents the new advisor laid out for them. 

Anger, hot and uncomfortable rose up in her chest. But she pushed it down because that was not what Ilya needed. Ilya, who was sitting with his arms crossed, not looking at either of them. A faint blush on his cheeks. 

Because his very limited investment assets were barely four years old. For the first five years of his career, he had sent nearly everything back home. There were payments to his father, his brother, his step-mother. Trusts for his niece and his step-mother’s children. There was a house bought in an uncle’s name. There was a private school for his niece. There were random wire transactions to his brother for odd amounts - 20k, 15k, 56k. There were even salaries paid to private chefs and house cleaners. There was a weird split of money between Russian and American banks.

What wasn’t sent back was spent on severely depreciating assets like sports cars. Rounds of alcohol at bars and clubs. Thousands of dollars spent on random Amazon purchases, designer clothes, etc. His Boston house with a criminally high interest rate. He hadn’t even bought it outright, even though he had plenty of money to do so. He had maxed out credit cards with debt he would wipe out today and not even feel it. 

His liquid assets, which were basically his only assets, weren’t even in a high yield account. At least, not as high yielding as it could be. 

He was almost living paycheck-to-paycheck in a very rich way. More like contract to contract. He would exhaust his 8 million dollar/2 year contract and then sign another one. His contracts, too. They were much lower and shorter than Yuna would ever allow her son to have with his stats and experience. 

His financial history read very much like an 18 year old boy who had been thrown into a foreign city, with a language he wasn’t totally familiar with, and no one with his best financial interests at heart. Only a family that wanted to exploit him and a new team he desperately wanted to impress. 

But Yuna pushed all that away, shook it off, and considered the plan. “This is a great starting place.”

Both Ilya and the advisor’s eyes shot to hers but she refused to back down, leveling the advisor with a hard look. 

“It is?” Ilya asked. 

“Of course,” Yuna gathered up a few documents. “You have 17 million dollars in liquid assets. You have a great contract with the Cens for three more years. That’s a much better starting point than the vast majority of people.”

“Not as good as Shane,” Ilya pointed out.

“No,” Yuna agreed with a little smile. “But if you go broke, I’m sure Shane will let you be his sugar baby.” 

[awfulsweettobealittlebutterbi]

"and then they fuck about it" is to Hollanov headcanons what "stop" was to telegrams

[bees-reads]

After Shane and Ilya get married Ilya is so happy to finally change his pfp to be one of him and Shane. To piss Ilya off Hayden also changes his pfp to him and Shane. Cue different NHL players slowly changing their pfp to photos of them and Shane. It basically becomes and unspoken trend that when you enter the NHL you need to get a photo with Shane Hollander to change your pfp as a right of passage.

[ticklefighthockey]

nothinggg is more ilya than the tampa hotel room sequence where shane comes out, ilya acts like a dick while keeping himself physically as far from shane as possible, shane gets his feelings hurt and starts looking a little chin-wobbly, and ilya audibly GROANS and flings himself across the room to sit next to him on the bed. but he’s still not looking at shane or touching him because ilya is NOT here to comfort him or anything ok he just randomly and totally unrelatedly got tired of standing up at the exact moment that shane’s big brown eyes started getting all wet and shiny with tears and the nearest place to sit down happened to be on the bed next to shane. do NOT read anything into this none of this means ANYTHING (in under two minutes he will be crying in shane’s arms btw)