(Janus, Logan, and Remus attempting baking without Patton, College AU and pt 2)
Remus, “We start by adding 28 prunes! Which is 28 too many,”
Logan, after Remus + Janus were looking at him funny after reading the instructions, “Don’t look at me, I couldn’t tell you where this is going. All I know is that it’s the wrong destination,”
Remus, “This has to be the most complicated laxative on the planet,”
Remus, enthusiastically while spilling some sugar, “Quarter cup of SUGAR!”
Janus, “Cook over a double boiler. We’re getTING BOUISIE TODAY!!”
Janus, to Remus, “You’re diluting peanut butter?”
Logan, grumbling while picking up a dropped ingredient, “Fucking gravity,”
Logan, furious, “THERE IS NO ‘SUITABLE’ AMOUNT OF LARD!”
Logan, reading off the recipe, “‘Chocolate zucchini bread’ from 1968,”
Remus, “Now, when I think of zucchini, I think of good barbecues, summer salads ..men!”
Logan, in time with the microwave, “Beeeep,”
Remus, “Now, for the zucchini, we need one and a half cups, shredded and all!”
Remus, “Time for the filling! Oh, wait, that’s a perfect name for a baking-themes OnlyFa—,”
Logan, describing the dish they made, “Like a hug on a plate,”
Remus, announcing the next recipe xey chose while laughing, “A crusty spam— hahaHAHAHAHA!”
Logan, grabbing the recipe from xem, “‘Crusty Spam Bake’ from 1965. Remus, you’ll be the end of us,”
Logan, reading off the first direction, “To start, we’ll need some corn flakes. I promise I’m not making this up,”
Remus, putting the cornflakes in a ziplock bag, “In lil bag! Nyoop!”
Remus, crushing the cornflakes, “CRUMBS!”
Janus, catching the spam can Logan tossed at them, “Now we get our can of spam and we cry,”
Logan, reading it off, “‘Slice into 8 pieces using a knife,’”
Janus, sarcastically, “Thanks for that tip, I was in danger of using a spoon,”
Logan, “To the cornflake crumbs we add two tablespoons of brown sugar! And a dash of cloves!”
Janus, “‘Drain a can of pineapple slices and brush using butter!’ Just another day in America!”
Remus, joyfully, “Coat the spam slices in mustard!”
Janus, with a pained laugh, “No.. don’t make me..,”
Logan, “‘20 minutes at 350 Fahrenheit!’”
Remus, after taking it out, “Hmmm,”
Janus, taking a bite, “Eugghh… that isn’t it,’
Remus, repeating what Logan told xem, “‘Beat until soft’.. Logan, I don’t need instructions. I’m single,”
Janus, while smoothing the pie and glancing at Logan, “Smooth top!”
Logan, not hearing what they said and responding thinking they were talking to him, “Yes?”
Remus starts laughing as Janus looks like they want to disappear
Logan, “We begin with a pound of ground beef,”
Remus, “You don’t want the sky beef, that would be scary,”\
Remus, at the ground beef xey’re cooking, “WHO’S MOOING NOW?!??”
Logan, “Onions and celewy! Celewy? Celery!”
Janus, while chopping up onions, “You know what stings more than a knife, mr onion? Rejection.”
Remus, “Now we beat! That tracks for the fifties,”
Janus, announcing the recipe, “Potato donuts from the Great Depression! Now, I say disrespecting donuts should carry a life sentence, so let’s see if we’re going to jail today, ey?”
Janus, “Y’know, a lot of things start with potatoes. French fries, hash browns—,”
Logan, cutting in like the nerd he is, “Famine,”
Remus, adding on, “Communism!”
Remus, “The potatoes are finished when they’re soft. I’ve noticed that with men, too!”
Janus, while bringing out a fire extinguisher from a cabinet of the kitchen, “This is the first time we’re deep-frying something,”
Janus almost falls over after taking a bite of the finished donut before managing to catch themselves, “Ohhh..,”
Remus is dancing in the background with a mouthful of donuts
Logan is looking with wonder at the one in his hand, “Best donut we’ve made,”
Logan, “‘Blancmange’ from 1901. Now, ‘Blancmange’ literally translates to ‘white dish’ and judging by the lack of spices here, it certainly is Caucasian,”
Janus, “There’s no jello in this, just the dark arts,”
Logan, holding up a date with a deadpan expression and voice, “This is what a date looks like. Now you’re looking at two fruits,”
Janus, with a sour expression on their face, “What’s more American than bologna and cake? Eating it,”
Remus, to xemself, “Boy, this sure smells like a cake!” Then also to xemself but in a deeper voice, “Louise, I’m taking the kids,”
Remus, “You like bologna? Cause there’s a POUND of it!”
Janus, reading the instructions themself, “She says, ‘you’ll find the rest of this recipe quite intuitive!’”
Logan, “No, I don’t. Certainly not!”
Remus, “Your friends are gonna love the circles of indistinct mammal,”
Remus, making a face after taking a bite of the finished product, “Are you supposed to eat this on crackers or on drugs???”
Janus, “I did have to convert this entire recipe from grams into freedom units,”
Janus, “‘The rice is RESIGNED to be overcooked,’ why you gotta say it like that??”
Logan, “Sounds like a court order,”
Remus, “I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO BE OVERCOOKED!”
Remus, squinting, “‘Then one half of scolded milk,’” then yells at the milk, “YOU’RE USELESS!!!”
Logan, seeing it was a typo, “No, ‘scalded.’ With an ‘a’,”
Remus, “No, it wasn’t a typo! They want us to yell at the milk!”
Janus, coming back with the rice, “Well, the rice resigned, all right. It is no longer with us,”
Logan, “FOUR TEASPOONS of baking powder! Is this bread going to space??”
Janus, reading the recipe, “‘Bake for 4 hours in a hot oven’ yes, I know it’s hot, you git! IT’S AN OVEN!”
Logan, after taking a bite of the finished rice bread, “Huh. It’s like a really smooth and fluffy cornbread. The rice does more than you think,”
Janus, “Cloves, it’s always the cloves,”
Janus is playing the accordion while waiting for something to bake
Virgil, walking in on Logan, Remus, and Janus, “Now, I’m scared of lots of things, including the IRS, clowns, and,” looks at Janus, “English majors,” looks to what they’re making, “and of beans in where they don’t belong,”
Janus, Remus, and Logan, broke college students, “This is a lot of food!”
