I Was Abused

Writing through the pain, sorting out the confusion, attempting to move beyond a childhood of abuse and neglect. I write about childhood abuse in all forms. I don't always tag my posts (I'm sorry) so please be careful about trigger warnings. I swear plenty and call my parents names when I write here. It's a form of release.

[maternalscars]

[maternalscars]

[maternalscars]

[i-was-abused]

It was only when I wasn’t living in an abusive family situation that I realized how intelligent I am. My problems at school with math etc was a combination of neglect, sexism, cultural attitudes and anxiety. It took many years for me to realize my potential.

[parentless-suggestions]

it’s crazy how they can be nice for a little while and i’ll start doubting they were ever wrong. it’s crazy how long it takes me to remember the way they beat me for talking back, or just looking angry when they insulted and ordered me around. how long it takes to remember they called me bitch, trash, monster. they threw things at me. i trusted them and they hurt me for it.

[i-was-abused]

This is why I am very low contact with my family.

[parentless-suggestions]

You accused me of getting sick to ruin my sister’s birthday. You refused to get me medical help until forced to. You’re disgusting and cruel, hope you die soon.

[i-was-abused]

Yep, all my illnesses and allergic reactions were just a ploy to be dramatic, a trouble maker, and to get attention. Even when a doctor told my mother to stop smoking in our home because it was making me feel terrible, my mother scoffed and accused the doctor of being judgmental and nosy about our family life. “It’s MY HOUSE and I will do as I please. There’s no goddamn way some doctor is gonna tell me that my mild smoking is hurting my kids.” That’s the attitude my mother had towards all of us kids. Even the foods we were being fed were causing so many problems for us too. But if we protested, we were being “difficult”. Um, I think the difficult, full of drama piece of shit was you, mum.

[eligantly]

teachers need mental health training. not to help students solve their complex health issues by any means, but to notice that missing a day of school is the least of our worries. to notice that an A+ doesn’t matter when your entire world is falling apart. teachers need to be trained to notice the unique cry for help instead of criticising it. telling a student that they’re failing and putting their future at risk does not cause progression.

[nonbinarypastels]

It’s not normal for your parents to be angry at you all the time.

It’s not normal for your parents to get mad about things that have nothing to do with you and scream at you over them.

It’s not normal for your parents to get angry at you over something you did to a degree that’s totally disproportionate to whatever happened.

It’s not normal for your parents to make mistakes or messes and scream at you like they’re your fault.

It’s not normal for you to constantly have to be on alert around your parents, monitoring your every word and every breath just waiting for something (anything) to set them off because something always sets them off.

It’s not normal for you to have to constantly live in a state of hyper awareness, caution and paranoia over your parents’ anger and how they’ll take it out on you because when they’re angry it’s always extreme and you’re always the one who gets hurt.

All of these things are signs of emotional/mental abuse. They are not normal. These are not things that good parents do. These are not things that happen in healthy parent/child relationships. None of this behavior is accetable, none of it is anything that you deserve, and absolutely none of it is anything you should have to deal with coming from the people who are supposed to love and protect you the most.

Even if they’ve never hit you, it doesn’t mean they’re not abusing you. Your parents don’t have to lay a hand on you to be abusive, the fact that they’re creating an environment where you’re living in constant fear of them and it’s breaking you down mentally a little more each day is enough.

[i-was-abused]

I see my parent’s inability to handle even the smallest amount of disruption and stress as a symptom of their personal struggles with depression and anxiety. They had a hair trigger response to EVERYTHING. If my siblings were having a lovely time (rare) playing together and being happy and laughing loudly, it was interrupted by my mother with her telling us to shut the hell up. We were to be seen and hot heard, and especially silent and disappeared when she was In A Mood. Which was all the damn time.  To say that my mother was irritable would be an understatement. She was perpetually angry, and that anger was usually directed at ME. I am the family scapegoat, and the narrative has always been that I am the difficult, moody, dramatic, unstable person in the family. This is a patent lie, of course. It was projection. My mother IS difficult, moody, dramatic, and very unstable. Her moods swings would have given Joan Crawford a fun for her money. Having been a parent for twenty years, I know for a fact that it is possible to come from an abusive childhood (just as my parents had), and NOT be a piece of shit to your kids. I made sure that MY problems remained MY problems, and to never pin them on my kids. I didn’t burden my kids with my anxieties, fears or uncertainties. I was honest with how I was feeling but I made it clear that they were NEVER the reason I was feeling the way I was, and I only talked about things in an age appropriate way. They were never subjected to the level of crazy I was, and I made sure never to engage in emotional incest the way my mother did with us. I didn’t want my kids to know about specifics of why we had low contact with my family until they were old enough to process the information appropriately. I wanted my kids to see me as a whole person who wasn’t perfect, but I made sure to let them know that no matter what, I was their parent and I would take care of them.

[drowsyd0ll]

[i-was-abused]

Dear Mum and Dad, You were in the same room many times when my grandfather would grope me and say abusive, disgusting things to me. You looked the other way. You dismissed those horrible things he did to me. You made excuses for him. You told me I probably misunderstood him. You told me that his disability and his own childhood trauma made him the way he was. You took HIS side instead of mine. Fuck you. You were supposed to protect me. You failed.

[parentless-suggestions]

I was always blamed for whatever my sister did that made my mom mad because I was the only one she could “let her frustration out on”, as a kid I knew I was always punished for my sisters bad behavior. I was told by everyone that that wasn’t true. I stopped believing that. Now I realize it and everyone tells me to stop playing victim. It’s hard though. Even outside of school, I’ve always been the victim. I was the easy target for bullies at school. I’ve always been a victim of others..

[i-was-abused]

Scapegoat. That ‘s what you’re talking about. And it’s sad. And once you internalize that role, that concept, it’s difficult to break free of it. It gets better. I promise. Get help and sort it out. It works and it’s gonna be ok. I’m the family scapegoat and now I don’t give a flying fuck about it. But it took nearly forty years until I realized that my family is fucked in the head, and that I made great strides to unfuck myself. I am a better parent for it. As a child and teen I was blamed for EVERYTHING. If my brother broke something he blamed it on me. “She made me do it” was the favourite. He’d come up with all sorts of ridiculous lies to get me punished for shit he’d do. And he’d antagonize me until I was screaming at the top of my lungs to be left alone. And I was branded the “difficult” child because of it. They ignored his incessant antagonization and bullying (which, he often carried on a school and would recruit other kids to join in). But because I reacted, I was the problem. My reactions were proof of how I was the bad one, the dramatic one, the one who wanted to cause trouble. I was “difficult”. No, I wasn’t difficult, I was a kid reacting to a difficult set of fucked up circumstances from which I had little to no relief. At school I found myself taking responsibility for things that other kids had done, even if I wasn’t near those kids! I figured, “I’m gonna get blamed for it anyway, may as well step up and speed the process up.” Soon, shitty kids were buying in and blaming me for all sorts of weird shit. Most teachers saw through it and stopped the bullshit, but some didn’t. It started in kindergarten and persisted into highschool. As an adult, I did it at work too. I felt obligated to cut tense situations and to relieve the stress and to pop the bubble if you will, in those sorts of situations where the boss or authority figure was on the hunt to pin a problem on someone. I became the one who would cover for people when they fucked up, take on abusive clients/customers, smooth over arguments or shitty situations. It took an enormous toll on my emotional and physical health. I’m still recovering. I’d scapegoat myself in my marriage too. My ex is an addict, and I took responsibility for EVERYTHING, including why he behaved the way  he did. I felt it was my duty, and my penance (for being a such a horrible, difficult, bratty child) to fix everything and to be the one to blame. Because why not? I was always to blame anyways my whole damn life….so………? Another way abusive people fuck over people who have been abused is to tell them to “stop playing the victim”. They’re basically telling you to shut the fuck up, because they don’t care about how you’ve been hurt, and that you’re looking for trouble. Stay away from those people. Because if they can’t appreciate what happened to you in the past, they will never appreciate that they may be responsible for how they may have treated you badly, and will likely continue treating you badly. Fuck them.

[lame-kid-on-couch]

Someone being decent or even good to you now doesn’t make up for the abuse they put you through then.

You don’t owe anything to anyone because they aren’t currently hurting you.

You don’t deserve to feel guilty over any bad feelings you have about them just because they aren’t currently doing bad things to you.

You are allowed to have your anger, your pain, your sadness and upset.

And you are allowed to refuse them entrance back into any part of your life you don’t want them in.

[i-was-abused]

This is why I maintain very low contact with my family. They are perpetually confused as to why I refuse to drop everything and run to them when they invite me to visit, or why I don’t participate in most extended family events. My parents want to project this idea that we are a caring, close knit family that likes to spend time together. Nothing could be further from the truth. Just because my siblings are foolish enough to fall for this bullshit, doesnt’ mean I have to. I refuse to. So what happens is that when I don’t appear when they snap their fingers,  I continue to look like the difficult, piece of shit kid compared to my scared, silly, doting siblings who jump for my parents. I used to care what extended family saw me as, but no longer. I don’t care if they think my parents are “nice people” and that I’m being “difficult” or “weird”. They always thought that about me because they preferred my parent’s versions of events rather than the damn truth. So fuck them, I don’t owe people shit. My family conveniently forget how they abused me physically, emotionally and psychologically and neglected me, and they expect me to forget too because they offered me furniture, money etc. I don’t accept the memory loss and I don’t accept the material bullshit they offer as a result.  They are irritated when I stick to my boundaries and try to use guilt and shame to do what they expect me to do. They have consistently ignored my needs and wants and circumstances, and expected me to keep pace with their expectations to buy gifts of a certain dollar amount, make choices that reflect THEIR personal tastes and values, live in a place that they deem acceptable, to work a job that they prefer etc. Basically, I can’t be ME, I have to cater to THEM. I ain’t doing that anymore. Even if they compliment me and tell me how “strong” I am. Fuck that, you didn’t like my being strong when you abused the fuck out of me and when I was strong and stood up to you, did you? Basically, they don’t respect me as a human being separate from them. They do not care that just because they smile at me now and offer the occasional casual amount of “help”, that it doesn’t make sense to me to accept it. Telling me that they’ll take me grocery shopping when I’m not well, doesn’t make me feel at ease after decades of telling me that I’ve made my bed, and I should lay in it. What’s changed? They suddenly care that I’m struggling financially now? Or that my health is poor? But consistently for over twenty years they were steadfast in NOT offering help because they wanted to “make a point”? What’s changed is that I don’t give a fuck about them anymore because I figured out that they NEVER gave a fuck about me or my kids. My abusers don’t hurt me now, because I am an adult who has solid boundaries. I don’t let them in. Even if their offers of help or support or whatever may be coming from a good place. I can’t trust people who consistently fucked me over for decades, starting in childhood. I would a goddamn fool to do so.

[milky-ai-deactivated20180509]

Suggest things to add if you want.

[iamnotsebastianstan-archive-dea]

anyone else have the burning desire to deactivate all their social media accounts and book a flight somewhere and just disappear and live a totally anonymous existence where no one bothers you and you don’t bother anyone

[notesforselflove]

If you are dealing with these:

Anxiety: I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment but everything is OK. Take some deep breaths for me. In for 5 hold for 5 out for 5. You got this. Just focus on my voice or focus on your breathing. Let the thoughts pass through your mind, but try not to pay attention to them. I am here for you. You are going to be OK. Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you? If not that’s fine, just know I care and I am here for you. You will get through this.

Depression: I am here for you. I care about you. You aren’t alone in this struggle. You will get through this. The storm won’t last for ever. I want to help you. I am here to listen if you want to talk about what is bothering you. I won’t judge you. I care about you no matter what. It’s going to be OK. I am here for you.

Sexual Orientation: You are valid. You are beautiful. You sexual orientation doesn’t change how I feel about you. I am happy that you trusted me enough to come out to me. I care about you no matter what.

Gender Identity: You are valid. You are beautiful. You gender identity doesn’t change how I feel about you. I am happy that you trusted me enough to come out to me. I care about you no matter what.

Bullying: Try not to listen to what they say to you. I am sorry that they don’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Don’t change who you are just so they accept you. If they don’t accept you for who you are they aren’t worth your time and effort. You are amazing. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are valid. You are worthwhile. You are smart. You are unique. You matter. No matter what anyone says. I am here for you. You are not alone.

Self harm: Please don’t hurt yourself. You don’t deserve to be hurt. You are so special. You matter. You are worthwhile. You are smart. You are valid. You are beautiful. You are strong. You can do this. It’s going to be OK. This storm won’t last forever and I am here for you if you need to talk. I care about you. You are not alone in this struggle.

Eating disorders: Please eat. Your body needs the food and nourishment. Even if you ate yesterday, you need to eat today. You deserve food. Try to eat 3 meals a day (Breakfast Lunch and Dinner). I understand that that isn’t always possible, so try at least to have small snacks through out the day. I am here for you.

Abuse: I am sorry that you were/are not being treated with the love and respect you deserve. Please don’t listen to what they tell you. It is never your fault they hurt you. You did nothing wrong. They are the ones in the wrong, not you. You matter. You are valid. You are worthwhile. You are special. You are beautiful. You don’t deserve to be hurt. If you are able to, please tell someone and get out of the situation. Though I understand that sometimes you can’t get out, for whatever reason. If you can’t get out of the situation please try to find ways to stay safer. Tell a friend, they might be able to make sure you have food/bandages/whatever you need while you are at school/work. Try to stay out of the house for as long as possible. Try to not be alone with who hurts you. I am here for you. I care about you. You matter. You will get through this. You are not alone.

Suicide: Please don’t kill hurt yourself. You don’t deserve to be hurt. You have survived every single one of your worst days so far, you can and will survive today too. You are so special. You matter. You are worthwhile. You are smart. You are valid. You are beautiful. You are strong. You can do this. It’s going to be OK. This storm won’t last forever and I am here for you if you need to talk. I care about you. You are not alone in this struggle. Please please reach out for help and talk to someone. You matter to me and I would really miss you if you were no longer here.

[violentviolette]

sometimes i am suddenly reminded that childhood abuse is not a universal experience and that some people have loving and supportive parents who have never traumatized them and im just like ????

[wordsnquotes]

“Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off. It’s about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can.”

— Unknown

[dog-teeth]

dog teeth #119 // do not reblog unless you’re a csa/cocsa survivor

[snackwizard]

adults, while forcing all children above the age of 5 to sit still, be silent, and obey orders for 7-8 hours a day with minimal breaks, reducing their exposure to fresh air and sunlight to almost nothing, forcing them to alter their natural sleeping patterns to increase productivity, and repeatedly telling them their self worth depends on their being able to follow these instructions perfectly for 13 or more years: kids these days are so lazy! they never go outside! they never want to do anything! clearly it’s not because of us!