Crack Me Open

Perch in Vietnamese is Rô

[albva]

They should let you vomit a black sludge and when you are done you feel better about yourself. Also the black sludge forms into an evil clone you can make out with.

[hardlyhinged]

Soft mean dom Ilya who coddles and validates all of Shane’s wants but doesn’t let him act on them

“Oh sweetheart come here. I know is so hard, but you can’t cum yet. Yes yes, I know you think I am unfair, but this is what you need. I’ve got you, you’ll be okay. No more tears now, yes? Good, good boy. Now go on, keep grinding.”

“Malysh what is wrong? Oh you are uncomfortable? From mess in your pants? Oh no, I am sorry you feel that way. Must be so wet against your cock, sticking all around you, not able to get comfortable no matter how much you squirm. My poor baby. Hm? Change? No no no, you can’t do that. This is punishment remember. Is okay, I will help you be good.”

“Shane. Shane~ Ah, there you are. You were falling asleep on me baby. Yes, I can see, you’re very tired. Long practice and meetings after? Is too much isn’t it? Too busy, too many things you are expected to do, I’m sorry, but you can’t go to sleep yet. Yes, I know you are very sore. Yes yes, and you already came twice. But you have very pretty body, makes me want to keep using you. Is okay, I help you sleep after, I promise, just give one… maybe two more.”

“Hollander come on- hm? You do not want to go out? Why is that kotik? You are feeling overstimulated? Oh poor thing. Is okay, you can stay tucked against me, I do not mind. Yes, I’m sorry, you do still have to come. I know, so mean, am too mean my darling little baby. Yes, you deserve better, I’m so sorry for this. Just focus on breathing, I will hold you whole night. What about plug? Yes, it stays on highest setting, you know that. Now let’s go.”

“Open. Dorogoy, open. Shhh, shhh, don’t cry. Here, come here, put head here, right over heart. Shhh, just listen to beating. Breath solnyshko. There, is that better? So soft for me, my good boy. Okay, open now. No no, no tensing, just open. Yes, it hurts, I am sorry. I wish I could make you feel only good. Your poor hole, barely stretched enough for me and now needing to take another big cock. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Now open.”

[suraks-sweet-tits]

When Shane gets the stanley cup Ilya's name is already engraved on it. Do you think he tried to hold himself back from even looking for it because he was convinced that that would mean something? But when it was just him and the cup he couldn't stop his hands from running over it again and again and he refuses to think about it. Refuses to examine all the feelings he gets from the shape of Ilya's name being under his fingers.

[hollanov-ann]

I made Ilya a Shane Bunny pet 🤭 He loves him

[darkcomedies]

if you grew up in a sexually restrictive/off environment it’s kind of impossible to exaggerate the importance of a friend you can say the lewdest nastiest wettest squishiest things to no judgement

[darkcomedies]

it feels like this

[barbie-verse]

thinking hudson williams is hot is the most embarrassing reputation ruining annoying thing I could have done tbh like ohhh my god really? tall big muscles golden skin pretty hair and big brown bottom eyes kind man is hot? god fucking really. are you fucking stupid I hate myself. oh you think shane hollander is hot? fucking shane hollander? groundbreaking type shit going on here oh my god he’s tall should we tell everyone he’s tall and he's kind to people and his eyes twinkle wow she thinks the attractive man is attractive. you and everyone else. is pizza your favorite food too. fuck you. everyone look at her she thinks SHANE HOLLANDER is hot boundaries are really being pushed over here should we get her a medal because she thinks Mr Smile is easy on the eyes. “hear me out” and it’s a fucking marching band. should we call people magazine. vanilla. I DISGUST myself. summer blockbuster. I should be killed

(insp)

[extraaa-30]

[hothockey]

episode five...when hollanov are in bed and shane chirps ilya to move them into familiar play and ilya chirps him back to return the play.....and they get all fond and laughy and shovey and shane sinks with pleasure into the pillows as ilya yells and calls him an asshole......peak. PEAK. ilya chirping shane makes shane super giggly and delighted!!!! bc this is a language shane has been speaking for 20+ years with other guys and when ilya is nipping at him, that means shane is one of his boys, is fun and loved and welcomed into the pack. good grade in being a guy with guy friends: normal to want! possible to achieve!! and when ilya says it specifically, that means ilya likes him! its the other biggest, baddest dog in the yard paying special attention to shane in a way he pays attention to none of the other dogs and the way he bites shane is singular and secret and just theirs, just shane's. good grade in being a guy with guy friends fucked by the best guy! and well, success always tastes ever so sweet to shane hollander, doesn't it?

[subcultureblues]

no i REFUSE to get on board with mindfulness guru/licensed therapist/secure attachment style Svetlana Vetrova. emotionally stunted duo that is literally soOooOo Russian they never learned how to establish a kind of intimacy not onioned in 12 layers of cool, ironic detachment.*tearing up slightly* “i think i might almost miss you when i move to Boston” “Ew. Anyways. for unrelated reasons i have accepted a job offer in Boston”

like the Svetilya friendship is literally so enduring because they are each others Emotional-Support Enabler. they would feel so betrayed if bestie actually pushed them to open up about their (gross) feelings. when one of them looks too sad the other drags them off to a bathroom and lovingly racks up a line. Here baby do some designer drugs abt it. offered escapism as a love language. quit being passively suicidal and dress like a slut bcs we’re going out! I know you crashed hard out of the Olympics BUT, I brought you this twink as a consolation prize. *google calender alert for the anniversary of Well, You Know* cancel everything we’re weekending in Miami. Why don’t we fuck til it turns both our brains off. Don’t kill yourself I literally got us tickets to Coachella, I Am Here For You.

[grabmyboner]

do u think the death of harambe in 2016 pushed ilya over the edge. svetlana flew back from russia when she received a text from ilya saying “why do the innocent suffer” after the harambe news broke and she thought he was gonna off himself

[grabmyboner]

ilya’s a dramatic texter always. he texts marly “we must be gone to be truly appreciated” out the blue and marly has to drive to Ilya’s apartment in the middle of the night to find ilya watching a fucking documentary on sardine migration and how climate change is effecting fishermen’s catches and ruining their livelihoods and marly just cracks open a coke and sits close next to ilya and finishes the documentary with him because he loves him despite his dramatic ass

[giveemhales]

I am a big defender of Shane not wanting to come out and one of the biggest reasons that I haven’t seen discussed much is how much worse it is to come out as a Gay Asian Bottom compared to coming out as a bisexual (white) man who is already regarded as a sex machine. Like Asian men are already overly feminized in the west. Shane’s general demeanor is subdued, he doesn’t drink or party often, and he abides by strict rules and a diet that already makes him an outsider. He doesn’t sleep around and has only has one public relationship with a woman under his belt, which ended very quickly. He’s the exact opposite of Ilya in all these ways and it puts him at a disadvantage. He has a “soft” image he spends his whole life actively opposing. His image is working against him; him being gay contributes to it and worsens it. Ilya’s image is working in his favor; being with a man is an anomaly OR further proof of his sexual prowess. And bc of Ilya’s well known history of sleeping around and generally aggressive attitude, it will be assumed he would be the top. Through a heteronormative lens, which is obviously the norm in hockey, that makes him the “man” in the relationship. If anything, his ability to “dominate” another man may bolster his image, make him even more of an “alpha male”. But being a bottom is seen as inherently demeaning and effeminate, thanks to misogyny, homophobia, and rape culture. The less bulky, quiet, shy man with a shocking lack of experience with woman is obviously the bottom (and this is even worse if they have the height and body differences canon to the books). Shane will be seen as weaker (and what could be worse than that in a contact sport like hockey). He’ll be viewed as the “woman” in the relationship, which is to say he will be viewed as inherently inferior. And draws further attention to the parts of him he’s tried to hide (aka autism symptoms) which will now be treated as further evidence of his sensitivity and otherness. Everything he does now is gay. But being with Shane is the only gay thing Ilya does. Without the threat of Russia, Shane has far more to lose from coming out imo. And his team’s reaction proves that. He deserves some grace.

[cannissmajor]

Hollanov’s REAL wedding

[b0lyachka]

When I needed soul revival I called your name

When I was falling to pieces I screamed in pain

[transthatmasc]

Some old fart retired hockey player goes on ESPN and does an interview where he talks about how gay DEI initiatives are unfair and are ruining Hockey by keeping the good ole boys from getting their chance to prove themselves on the ice.

Ilya, as the captain of the gayest NHL team, is asked for comment on this. Of course, this is half way through the season while the Cens are sitting first in their division and second in the league. So Ilya says, “Ah, yes, I can see how he would think that. It seems unfair that being queer is clearly such an advantage for hockey players. We are just much better players, and having so many of us on one team, while very fun and nice for us, does seem to be putting us above everyone else in the standings. Perhaps more teams could play well if they had gay players? The Admirals are okay, but they only have one and we have four, so it is not quite fair.”

There is a rampant debate online over whether Ilya actually understands that the original comments were homophobic or if he genuinely believes that people think gay guys are too good at hockey. People also start speculating about who the fourth gay player is because Luca hasn’t actually come out publicly yet.

Scott Hunter has to put out a statement that he doesn’t believe his homosexuality has had any impact, positive or negative, on his athletic ability even though he believes being out of the closet and in a fulfilling relationship has made it easier to focus on the game.

Troy posts a tweet that just says “got gayer and got better”

Shane puts up a post with pictures of every time he won the Stanley cup and the caption “I’ve been gay the whole time and I’ve been great the whole time” with a shrug emoji.

[balalaijka]

heated rivalry fic recs! (absolute favorites in red)

like one of your girls - shane hollander's internalized homophobia and his jealousy duke it out. this was one of the first fics i read in the hr fandom that actually engaged with how a brutal sport and culture would messily intersect with desire and it's so good

tongues a-wagging - shane starts learning russian from a russian player. who isn't ilya. the monologue in chapter 2 actually made me insane

clear to a hedgehog - ilya is a hockey player, shane is a doctor, ilya thinks shane thinks he's a mobster, they still fall in love

the belly of the whale - shane as a creature that rejects all indulgence, except one, even though it won't love him back (or so he tells himself)

Rotten Saints - ilya going through the downward spiral of self-hatred leading him to propose that shane can sleep with other people, melancholy and beautifully written

Teenage Dirtbag - snapshots of ilya's childhood in russia, or my favorite crackfic in the fandom

World on Your Shoulders - a panacea to all the attempted woobiefication of shane hollander, who, as should be remembered, is a hockey captain with all the baggage that comes with it

Luchik, Darling - ilya and irina and russia and that odd grief of realizing your home isn't your home anymore, gorgeous prose

Dig Two Graves - wherein the centaurs-voyageurs feud gets ugly. this one is bleak and brutal but excellent if you're in the mood to get emotionally eviscerated

lone star series - hollanov and the existencial horror of the self and children, told through an abortion, a miscarriage and an adoption

Friendship in Retrospect - cliff marleau befriends ilya in the way one befriends a stray cat

free rein - i'll just drop a quote here: "You are not a god, Hollander told him once. But, oh. When he looked at Ilya like that."

as you mean to go on - babysitting the pike kids and the angst of wishing for the unattainable normalcies of other people's lives

Halt and Catch Fire - a massive data leak forces shane and ilya to go through the horrors of bureaucratized mhl homophobia, unconventional format with extensive research

Gambit - butch4(closeted)butch hollanov, wherein chess is sex

#noticing - svetlana and shane run into each other in a bar during the rose landry era

Pale Imitations - from the author's summary: "everything is about smoking, except for smoking which is about Shane Hollander"

Good Losing - alpha/alpha hollanov and the perversity of sexuality going up against what should be your nature

return of spontaneous circulation series - they're paramedics, written with incredibly verosimilitude as a medical drama (part 3 is also just *fans my face*)

coach, I'm threading needles - shane attempts to get better at saying no to ilya, ilya responds like any sane person would and sleeps with a girl in shane's jersey

we're strangers, we're not friends - ilya's rookie year as a mildly disastrous teenager

A Good Latch - per the author's tags: "tfw you want to knock Shane up and end up contemplating what it means to parent," incredibly fun

Old Habits - shane meets sasha at svetlana's birthday celebration, or: a spiritual successor to the scene where ilya rejects sasha and then looks at his phone at the thread from jane

behind enemy lines - the daemon au where they're also soulmates and find out in possibly the worst scenario (sochi)

autoclave - fuck or die with all the angsty consequences

Observations on Fatherhood - shane and david hollander and the pain of knowing you can only try to protect your child from the world

Wreck My Plans - shane attempts to deal with his feelings for his rival by setting up rules to guide himself by to not get too close. if he's succeeding or not is debatable

The Great Jane Debacle of 2016 - the raiders get stuck with post-tuna melt ilya's crashout, texting fic, hits the sweet spot of crack-angst

Sunday Blue - an absolutely dizzying cnc fic. they're insane about each other and it's so good

A Study in Denial - that feeling when you run into your ex-situationship in the bathroom of the club you're at with your hetcomp girlfriend and you're Totally Over Each Other

four steps to death - or: how to mourn a brother who hated you in a country that's becoming foreign to you

About Summer - the plane disappears, but ilya comes back. so i know i said that DTG was devastating but this. this one actually made me sob—"You will see the blue sky and think I saw that too. And listen to cicadas and you will remember golden dog days and being alive in the wrong hour of the world. You will think summer and then think of these things and then of me."

one of your eyes is always half-shut (something happened when you were a kid) - alexei rozanov's run out of luck in a long luck-less life with a mother who hated him and a brother who's too soft

Change Your Win Conditions - ilya's career-ending injury before he and shane can get back together means he becomes the centaurs' coach. shane finds him anyway

Dinner Tonight? - when you realize you're married and haven't been on a date before, which must be rectified in the most chaotic and perfect way imaginable, feat. a meet-cute in the grocery store, wedding ring theft and the misuse of the word "bro"

Table for Two? - in a similar vein to the above, ilya attempts to ask out shane for years during their situationship, one of the best takes on the oblivious trope i've read

Tuna Melts and Longitudinal Studies - the tuna melt incident, before and after, as seen by ilya's reddit posts, with some absolutely devastating banger lines snuck in with the crack

Fuckboy Fuzz - scott hunter and that olympics story where a medalist used his speech to beg for his girlfriend back, skip-style

Asylum - hollanov's centaurs stanley cup win sparks a backlash while ilya's trying to get canadian citizenship, feat. internet hate campaigns, lawyers and immigration (and also spine-chillingly good writing of how good exactly shane and ilya are on the ice together)

smoke on skin - rose landry's relationship to fame, identity, smoking, and ilya rozanov

it waits for you in the shadows - the ilya domdrop fic

Only You (Could Ruin Me Like This) - shane drunk-dials ilya after the club scene

Buzzer Beater series - orgasm denial, the ocean scene in part 2 is insane

and i'll show you fearless - under-negotiated kink as character study my beloved, incredible writing: "Shane is staring up at him with the moon in his mouth, bright and defenceless. Ilya gets the idea that even if he’d thrown a fist into Shane’s face at this moment, Shane would either let it pass through him like air, or else he would ask how many more times he could be hit."

wait for a different ending - another ilya goes to russia for the last time fic, feat. impulsive dog adoption

holy matrimony - that feeling when you marry the love of your life hastily in secret in a tiny office and for years it's a secret and it's enough but now you're faced with all the things you could have had at the wedding of the other big gay couple and it's tearing at your heart

virtue theory - shane hollander vs. the awful reality of the possibility of failure even if no mistakes were made

mosquito - in complete contrast to the above, ilya rozanov & the trainwreck experience of never denying yourself anything and then crashing out after being denied

anybody like you - shane and shane's figure skating buddy joe, or: closeted man is amazed at his comfort in a new group of friends, not knowing they're queer

6:00am, day after christmas - another shanebortion fic, nobody is having a good time but they're trying

sun bleached flies - svetlana on slowly finding your best friend unknowable, feat. the nuclear poison atmosphere of the rozanov household

no roses for my grave - ilya on the pain of being grigoryevich and, as fiona apple once said, "hunger hurts and i want him so bad, oh it kills"

pierce through me (hit me so physical) - ilya gets his ears pierced and shane is So Normal about it

oh come on shotgun bride - short but excellent fic with yuna & ilya

winners-verse series - so you know how by moving to ottowa ilya's ended the rivalry by downgrading? and how love and resentment don't cancel each other out but can grow together like a twisted tree? how the best intentions can have painful results and sometimes the only thing to do is to learn to live with it? this series is genuinely so fucking amazing, part 2 especially with the realization that love made me do this incredibly stupid thing and i hate it but i can't stop loving you. good stuff (also part 3 just dropped and it is !!!)

snapping birch - david hollander's phone gets hacked, prompting an outing and a twitter meltdown, directly engages with how exactly did it come to the point that shane didn't want to come out to his parents despite them trying to do their best

another uninnocent, elegant fall - aka what a messy celebrity ilya life would look like

Geryon - ilya, less than healthy sexuality and consent issues on all sides

Game Day - last addition, but i just finished this, great dark humor and an absolutely hysterical twist (but also remember it's dark humor)

edit: ok so this got more attention than i expected, ty! also go and comment on the fics!

[lavenderprose]

The thing about Hollanov is that they are constantly having nasty mean sex and Shane is like, yeah. That’s great that’s normal. As long as they kiss Shane is like Okay :) Yay :) Thanks Rozanov, see you in a few months. Stands up straightens his clothes and walks out the door and that’s it. Somewhere behind him Ilya is staring at the ceiling. Reeling.

Then they go to that god forsaken cottage and they have the kind of face-to-face under the blankets condomless sex that even the Pope couldn’t disapprove of and Shane is crying. Gnashing his teeth. Losing his fucking mind. The emotional release is fucking agony. Ilya says you are perfect you are beautiful and you are MINE and Shane almost safewords. Ilya says I’m making love to you do you like it do you like it when I make love to you and the bedsheets are tangled around Shane’s ankles and he feels like he’s going to die. Ilya says Shane Shane Shane and to Shane it’s the most perverted thing he has ever fucking done.

[showerwhoops]

au where harry quits the force and becomes a gym teacher again

[klapollo]

That guy from heated rivalry always looks like you just told him you went back to your shitty boyfriend again

[klapollo]