Janaina Medeiros
Cosmic Funnies
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titsay
if i look back, i am lost
Stranger Things
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
izzy's playlists!
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
Monterey Bay Aquarium
Three Goblin Art
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
JVL
PR's Tumblrdome
todays bird
Kaledo Art
Kiana Khansmith
JBB: An Artblog!
we're not kids anymore.
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@iamnicoke
If you're an adult (especially Black or POC) and you got diagonses for DID or OSDD can you help me understand you did it because I want to try and get myself a formal diagnoses and I'm not sure what to expect or how I should navigate this tbh.
So I'm professionally diagnosed with DID
I just start to question my gender. I don't like it. For all my life I was okay with being a girl. Happy as a matter of fact. Told my therapist about it. I might be a trans man. I really don't want to.ni almost cried today because I realized I am not cis. I hate my female voice( I used to love it so much). My boobs and hips were fabulous(but now I can not really look in the mirror sometimes. I will look tho but I am okay with it). I want to cry so badly. I did start to question that I was a non-binary lesbian who used she/they pronouns months ago. I am confused and depressed about it again because I asked if I was a boy.
My gender therapist thinks I'm a system. Yes this therapist is a nonbinary person.
Man I'm struggling with my gender again boooooo. Identify as transmasc/transman for like 6 years. Unfortunately i didn't socially transition but i was called by those pronouns by my therapist and some online friends. It did felt nice but i still had so many identity crisis.
Now for the first time I'm considering she/her pronouns. At first i thought it was hormonal changes or suppressing myself. I got on antidepressants and I'm starting to feel way more aligned with my gender and i mostly want to date women and be a wife. Like i genuinely feel like a pretty girl or lady. The thing is it sounds weird in my head. Sometimes it sounds good but like I'm so used to my set of pronouns. I went to a gender affirming therapist recently and they told that this happens sometimes. Gender change overtime and ebbs/flows. Never had i heard that. I thought once you're trans or enby? You'll be like that for the rest of your life and dysphoric barely goes away. what about the past 6 years? What was that?? What about being anxious of using she/her pronouns more? Why am i beginning to like my deadname? Why do i strongly dislike looking like a man and why do i feel jealous over older black lesbians or older women getting the second puberty and being themselves. I mean i always had discomfort about it. Now this bad. I hate genderrrrr. Honestly glad for ssri, i actually like myself and took selfies today. Made me realize how much self hatred i had for 25 years
Update my therapist thinks I'm a system😭😭 #dissociativedisorders
Does anyone feels a presence with schizophrenic spectrum? TW: All types of trauma dumping
I am already going to my therapist and pyschiarist for this but idk if I'm the only who feels like this.
I know that this sounds odd but i feel a presence and idk why? A few minutes ago, i wanted a sweet treat to the point that it felt like i had to do it. 1 didn't want to but my the child auditory hallucination was happy and i acted childish for a second. Sometimes it feels like a presence is nearby. I know it doesn't exist and i don't see anything irl. But in my head i feel it, especially at the side of my hands or back. I get chills at times.
I already have a therapist and psychiatrist but weary about giving me diagnosis since these voices and presence were triggered by trauma. Also due to medical racism, they are trying to prevent the complications. All i know so far that they are coping skills i had developed as a kid from stress or abuse to save my body
Having these symptoms for a week now or 2. I used to get a little headache and yawning alot but the voices are there. headaches aren't there anymore but my temples and face shakes. Sometimes when they are nearby, i can tell what part my body feels chills, aches or their auras moving in my brain.
I always made characters in my head in my early childhood due to extreme social isolation, bullying at home and school. This was also Jamaica, so corporal punishment is bad. I am always imaginitive and making characters on my head. I have two consistent characters stuck in my head since i was 9. Sometimes when I'm lonely, sad and my cousin was around; i will create a lady who was a mother figure to me and confident similar to Beyonce/my mom. I would get a husband in my story too. Even after my imagination went away, my maldaptive daydreaming will pop out. Maybe even act like them sometimes when my dad neglected me at home. It will get so self absorbed that i force myself to stop.
Then i turn 18 and got obsessed with DID. I always knew about it and like a silly kid, i would pretend to have it. Sometimes i created characters but sometimes i will them into my head and act like them again at 10 years old. I related to every symptoms. eventually i chalked up to psychosis, daydreaming like everyone says online and to myself. Avoided DID/osdd content because that's when i start hearing the voices and the weird paranoia[ik no one is stalking me or 100% sure I'm seeing shadows]. It feels like it is nearby in my head, like i could 3d print it in my head and map the location(similar to spatial awareness).
Now that I'm 25 and experiencing the same symptoms triggered by the most stable person in my life. My body starts freaking out, sometimes i remember things but i concluded to my adhd. The thing, it's so bad that i forgot to say something mid convo. It's like my memory laspes and my barriers are slowly opening; it immediately snatching it up in real time. Recently, my dah to class is fully there but sometimes it is blurry; the one time i feel myself forgetting why i went to the bsthroom.my doctors suspect that coping skills as kid sre coming bad and finally getting out of this long life emotional bluntness.
Crazy thing about this all is that I'm a girl 100% after being trans man or masc after 5 years. It's like my deadname came back from this energy surge after taking ssri. Like i was here, but i wasn't there. Getting out it is like from a dream. FYI: THIS IS NOT A SAFE SPACE FOR TRANSPHOBIA. I am genderfluid now but atm, he/him mostly and she/her(don't use it 24/7). Maybe I'm just not accepting my gender identity so this is why the name Sage feels like a separate entity.
Something I’ve noticed in the journaling community recently is this rise in Christian nationalism from certain people. Especially a lot of these newer accounts/journalers. Now, I’m not saying they can’t post what they want and support who they want to support, I just don’t want the journaling community to become another alt right pipeline. And if you think I’m nuts, you haven’t been paying attention 👀
Been here for almost 5 years. You're right. I see so many trump supporters
I did not get the a5 sterling ink but i do have different sizes
My fav coworker died
I NEED THE A5 GRIDED STERLING INK NOTEBOOKS.
Gold edges and 520 pages. Caramel
Man I'm struggling with my gender again boooooo. Identify as transmasc/transman for like 6 years. Unfortunately i didn't socially transition but i was called by those pronouns by my therapist and some online friends. It did felt nice but i still had so many identity crisis.
Now for the first time I'm considering she/her pronouns. At first i thought it was hormonal changes or suppressing myself. I got on antidepressants and I'm starting to feel way more aligned with my gender and i mostly want to date women and be a wife. Like i genuinely feel like a pretty girl or lady. The thing is it sounds weird in my head. Sometimes it sounds good but like I'm so used to my set of pronouns. I went to a gender affirming therapist recently and they told that this happens sometimes. Gender change overtime and ebbs/flows. Never had i heard that. I thought once you're trans or enby? You'll be like that for the rest of your life and dysphoric barely goes away. what about the past 6 years? What was that?? What about being anxious of using she/her pronouns more? Why am i beginning to like my deadname? Why do i strongly dislike looking like a man and why do i feel jealous over older black lesbians or older women getting the second puberty and being themselves. I mean i always had discomfort about it. Now this bad. I hate genderrrrr. Honestly glad for ssri, i actually like myself and took selfies today. Made me realize how much self hatred i had for 25 years
The American Dream (Enhanced Edition).
⟡ ݁₊ . SOFTER (Billie Eilish)
Tags: close friends to lovers(eventually), slow burn,mini series,wlw,internalized homophobia(from reader),self denial, seeking heteronormative safety.
genre: angst, messy feelings
Synopsis: Y/N tries to ignore her feelings for Billie, seeking safety in someone else, but nothing fills the space only Billie can.
A/N: this is purely based on the song “Pushing It Down And Praying” by Lizzy McAlpine, there will be a total of 5 chapters
1/5
You can't remember when Billie stopped being just a person in your life and became the center of it. It happened slowly, but who were you kidding ? You both knew you'd be inseparable.
She wasn't just a friend ; she wasn't just a best friend ; she was your closest friend. She showed up unannounced with takeout and excuses . You purposely started leaving your stuff at her place just for an excuse to see her - her beautiful, contagious smile, her stupid jokes. You live for it. And soon her apartment became more of a home than just a hang-out spot, and Billie, of course, didn’t not mind one bit. In fact, she loved it so much that you had your own little space in her closet.
Most nights look the same. Billie sprawled out on the floor or the couch, guitar resting against her knee, sometimes picking at half-formed melodies while you scroll on your phone mindlessly, not actually paying attention to whatever you're watching . Your eyes always seem to find comfort in Billie 's . Other times she'll hum a tone that sounds promising, so you stare at her . She teases you and tells you to stop, but you never do.
When it gets late, neither of you mentions sleeping over ; it just becomes a part of your nightly routine to sleep with Billie. Sometimes one of you will mention how tired you are, and somehow that always ends up with you sharing her bed. Fully clothed. Innocent. Normal. Your faces are in opposite directions at first, always leaving a polite inch between you.
But in the morning , you both end up tangled in the sheets anyway.
Billie's arm drapes tightly around your waist, almost like it belongs there, your leg hooked over hers, your face pressed between her chest and neck area, breathing in her scent. The first time that happened, neither of you spoke about it; Billie didn't tease you , and you didn't tease Billie . She didn't stop it, but she didn't decline it either. Although why would she ? She loves feeling your soft breath against her chest or in between her neck and shoulder area.
It feels safe and familiar, almost easy.
And that's what scares you.
The realization doesn't come all at once. It comes in pieces, the same pieces you ask for and then ignore until they become such a nuisance that your only option is to accept them.
It's the way your stomach flips when Billie laughs with someone else ; that immediate nausea at the thought of someone else sleeping in your (technically) shared bed. The way you notice the exact curve of her perfect smile, the pure admiration and softness in her eyes when she looks at you. Like you're her whole world and more. The way her touch feels so different from everyone else : grounding, innocent, protective even. Like she knows your body better than you do.
One afternoon, you're sitting on the couch beside her, knees brushing when she reaches over without looking and intertwines her fingers with yours . You can't help the small smile that tugs at your lips, and to be honest, you don't want to.
It's casual, thoughtless even, or at least that's what you both tell yourselves.
So thoughtless your breath stutters.
She doesn't notice. She squeezes your hand once, distracted by whatever she's talking about . You sit there, frozen, heart racing, every nerve in your being screaming that something is, in fact, wrong.
But not exactly because it feels wrong .
But because it feels... right.
Later that night, alone in the bathroom , you stare at your reflection like it might give you some type of conclusion or maybe even an answer . You press your palms against the cold sink ; the coldness serves as almost a comfort, a reminder that it wasn't just a quick feeling... no, it was a feeling that lasts. You finally got the truth out, or at least you're finally admitting it to yourself: "I like her."
The words almost feel heavy, permanent, everlasting. Not in the playful way you'd usually say it to her. It makes you realize that this isn't just a crush or a quick phase ; this is now something settled and deep, and most of all, terrifying.
As soon as the words leave your mind , into your mouth, and out , the thoughts override your feelings - every story you've heard, every warning, every quiet rule about what kind of love is allowed and the kind that ruins things . You think of Billie , her career, her image, her life, and how selfish it would be to want to start something so goddamn complicated . You curse yourself for even thinking of her in that way.
You tell yourself you're confused, lonely, reading into things that just don't mean anything.
That night you decide you have to fix it .
So you do the most logical thing you can think of.
You start dating a guy.
He's nice in the way people mean when they're trying to convince themselves. He texts you back quickly. He laughs at your jokes. He introduces you to his friends without hesitation. Being with him feels... fine. There's no anxiety, no fear of being seen wrong. You know how to exist in this version of yourself.
It's softer.
You bring him up around Billie like it's no big deal. You mention dates in passing, laugh about things he says, act like this is normal, expected, inevitable. Billie listens with a small smile, nodding when she's supposed to.
She doesn't ask questions.
She doesn't tease you.
She just goes quiet.
You notice the changes even when you pretend you don't. She stops grabbing your hand absentmindedly , stops leaning her head on your shoulder when you sit together. One night, when you fall asleep on the couch, she tucks a blanket around you instead of waking you up to go to her room.
The space she leaves feels intentional.
It hurts more than the truth ever did.
At night, you lie next to your boyfriend and stare at the ceiling, wondering why your chest feels hollow. His arm around you feels unfamiliar, like it's borrowed. You think about the way Billie's presence fills a room without trying. How she knows when you need silence and when you need distraction.
You hate yourself for comparing them.
You tell yourself this is what you wanted. This is what you chose.
Still, when Billie texts you late at night, “you up?”, your heart jumps every time.
You keep going anyway. You keep choosing the version of your life that doesn't require bravery. You laugh louder than necessary when you talk about your relationship. You avoid being alone with Billie too long.
And when you do catch her watching you, expression unreadable, you look away first.
You tell yourself you're doing the right thing.
You tell yourself this will pass.
You push the feeling down as far as it will go, bury it under routines, expectations , and someone else's arms.
And every night, when the apartment is quiet and your thoughts are loud, you pray.
A/N: theres no dialogue in this chapter bc it’s more about feelings than actual interactions!!,so sorry guys!!,next chapter i’ll be sure to include sum convos
𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐦𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 ❤️🎄🧸
❣️ she wears oversized sweaters that swallow her hands and smell faintly like laundry detergent and pine.
❣️ she insists she doesn’t care about decorations but secretly fixes crooked ornaments when no one’s looking.
❣️ she hums christmas songs under her breath while baking, never the full lyrics, just the melody.
❣️ she lets the tree lights stay on all night because she likes how the room glows while she falls asleep.
❣️ she wraps gifts last minute, messily, but writes the sweetest little notes inside the cards.
❣️ she steals the warmest blanket in the house and pretends she didn’t know it was yours.𝐳
❣️she likes sitting on the floor with her back against the couch, hot chocolate balanced carefully in her hands.
❣️ she wears fuzzy socks that never match and refuses to explain why.
❣️ she gets quieter in december, softer around the edges, more thoughtful.
❣️ she plays old holiday movies in the background just for the comfort of the noise.
❣️ she always saves the last cookie for someone else, even if she wanted it.
❣️ she falls asleep halfway through gift-wrapping and wakes up with ribbon stuck to her hoodie.
❣️ she loves night drives with christmas lights blurring past the windows and music low
NO JUDGEMENT
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Summary: Another casual hangout with your silly friend leads to some misunderstandings. Billie's pretty chill about it tho.
Pairing: Bsf!Billie x Fem!Ace!Reader
Warnings: Fluff, making out, vulgar language, mentions of sexual themes, but no actual smut.
A/N: DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ. Simple as that. Anyway, Asexual awareness week is here and I decided to make a little something because the lack of ace representation is painful. Yet, Billie acknowledged asexuality and it made me happy. Are any aces out there? Also English is not my first language, pls don't hate :))
Word Count: 2.9k
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Being a college student was a wild experience. Swotting like crazy, just to pass to another semester. Wild parties with a lot of drugs, alcohol and other bad stimulants that makes your senses go numb, alongside with mindless hookups and one night stands, just to feel a little bit less stressed out. Being forced to get a part time job just to earn money so you could go back to that pointless loop. Such a lovely perspective, right? That's exactly how your roommate described it all to you.
Every time she had to study, or when she came back home barely standing on her feet, or even when she very eagerly shared with you the details of her really intense sexual encounters, she used the exact words.
"It's wild. Literally the best and worst years of my life. You wouldn't understand."
You couldn't even count how many times you've heard her say that. Honestly, you stopped counting a long time ago. Her complaints never stopped. Which was funny, because you were at the same university as her, just a different major. She made it sound like hell, but to you? It was completely different.
You rarely went out to party like there was no tomorrow. You much rather hang out with your close friends and family.
Studying? Came as easily as counting to five. You're smart, so what was the point on wasting your time on something you mostly understood? Besides, your major was something you were actually invested in, so whatever was new to you, you caught up to it in no time, with no bigger issues.
Casual sex? That's where it got a little complicated. Hookups were so not your thing. You really couldn't care less. But that last part was caused not by your rather Introverted nature, as you often described it to whoever asked, but by your sexual orientation.
The spectrum of asexuality isn't nearly talked enough about. Whoever you asked, simply answered:
"What the fuck are you talking about?" or said something offensive. They thought that you just 'haven't found the right person yet' or that you're just looking for attention, some even dared to say you should go to therapy because of it. And heavens forbid you make a dirty joke. People are really quick to point out that you're talking about sex, when you claim to be asexual.
So you stopped bothering. Not many people knew, and even less understood. Your roommate was one of those ignorant people, or more likely, blinded by the advantages of having regular sex. She was so determined to set you up for some kind of encounter with a stranger, that it sometimes was almost endearing, but nonetheless annoying.
"I have a friend, and she knows this girl..."
She never asked you about your preferences on gender, but she somehow knew that you were into girls to some degree. She set you up on a blind date with said girl. Which you didn't know, she was a worldwide known singer. Billie Eilish herself. Never in a million years you would've imagined that your roommate was connected to a celebrity, let alone that thanks to her you would sit by the same table as Billie, not to mention how much in common you both had.
That's exactly how you befriended the woman with ocean eyes. Nothing escalated between you two that night, maybe except for growing bond. Your roommate, the naive girl you hated and loved equally, was so convinced that you and Billie were regularly sleeping together, 'thanks to her', that she allowed you to invite the singer over to your shared apartment for the weekend, while she was away with her boyfriend.
What she wasn't aware of, was the fact that you and Billie used that time to get to know each other and spend some quality time. You grew close and became almost inseparable. You learned about her little antics and she learned about yours.
You didn't mind that she was clingy with you, that's how she showed her appreciation after all. And she didn't mind your rather dirty sense of humor. You often discussed sexual topics or made perverted jokes. Just stupid jokes, and none of them directed at her, and Billie found it amusing. After some time you could feel slight tension growing in between you two. The lingering glances, subtle touches and more frequent compliments. That has to mean something, right? Not to you. Billie was affectionate with all her friends, why would she be different with you. You didn't pay much mind to the obvious.
Right now was one of your many and regular 'girly time' together. You ordered some food, did your skincare together and sat on your sofa, playing the newest Venom on your TV. Throughout the movie, Billie made some comments about the title character, unable to stay silent.
"Girl, like honestly? You can't deny that his tounge would feel so fucking good." You looked at her with mock dissapointment mixed with disgust in your eyes.
"What? You can't tell me otherwise, look at him! That's one hell of a fantasy." She justified her words, pointing her finger at the character.
"Billie, that's an alien." You said lightly, the way your voice sounded betrayed a hint of playfulness. "So what? Alien or not, he would be really good at giving head." That only caused you to roll your eyes.
"You're so fucking weird. I sometimes genuinely forget that people have sexual impulses." You muttered under your breath, the crumbs of this odd tension audible in your voice.
Billie just looked between you and the screen, before nudging your side with her elbow. "And who's the weird one now? Miss low libido." She teased. "Come on, you can't tell me that you don't think from time to time how good it could feel to have someone just go down on you." Brunette uttered playfully, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.
"I don't know dude, the whole oral thing doesn't sound very appealing for me." You simply replied before popping a handful of popcorn into your mouth.
"You're kidding, right? You've never thought about giving, or at least getting head?" She joked, receiving yet another eye roll from you. You shruged your arms, not tearing your eyes from the screen.
"Oh my god... have you ever had an actual sex?" She questioned, her hand grabbing the remote to pause the movie. Billie looked at you, her head rests on her palm, her crystal eyes growing big. You smirked, founding her shook plain funny.
"Once or twice. Nothing too exciting." You replied honestly. It was true, you weren't a virgin. You being ace wasn't equal with you being a virgin till your death. But you not being a virgin wasn't equal with you actually experiencing a sexual attraction like an average person, either.
"And when was it?" Billie asked, her voice sounded angelic, so delicate even when she just asked you about your sex life.
"Long time ago."
"Okay, then... How about jerking it? Do you masturbate?" Was she serious now? You never completely got it, how people could be so invested in someone's sex life, to that degree.
"Can we not?" You cackled nervously, as you got just a bit uneasy about the topic.
Billie's eyes widened, pure excitement radiated from her face. "Oh my god..." She scoffed.
"Self pleasure is good for you, your self esteem and your health! I'm serious..." Of course she's serious. How could she not be? Billie's always been all about sex and body positivity.
"Don't you miss it? I mean, the pleasure... Or it was so horrible that it made you practice celibacy?" A small chuckle escaped her plump lips. Your own curled up into a smirk, as you shook your head. "Why do I get the impression that you're judging and mocking my life choices when it comes to Intimacy?"
"Oh hell no! Such a filthy accusations! I would never judge you, I'm just curious, that's all." She scoffed. "Okay, at least tell me when was the last time someone kissed you?"
"Long time ago." You repeated. "Can we go back to the movie now?" Billie just stared at you for few seconds, before she tossed the remote away and turned her attention completely to you. She was so close to you, staring at the side of your face. "Damn, that's just sad. You're missing out, really."
"Oh yeah? Missing out on what? Someone showing their nasty tounge down my throat, the awkward feeling on their teeth crashing with mine, or just someone's chapped lips scratching mine?" You didn't mean to snap, but you couldn't help but argue. All the hype that surrounded the topic of kissing, sex or romance was getting on your nerves. It was everywhere, like there's no better value in life than getting at it. Sure, it was fun to joke about, but in serious terms it just felt like something that was enforced on the society. Something that you didn't want to participate in.
Billie's expression showed pure shock. Her eyes softened, as she looked at you almost like she felt sorry for you. "It could be pleasant, you know?" Her words were barely audible. "I could show you how a girl is supposed to be kissed. In the way you could enjoy."
Your eyes snapped towards her, surprised by her sudden proposal. There were so many times that you've heard someone saying that you just haven't found the right one yet, or that they could fix you. But the way Billie said that, made the statement not sound annoying or hateful. She said it like she just casually offered you something that she didn't even mean.
"You?" A little snort came out of your throat, and your lips curled unto a subconscious smile.
"Yeah." She replied. "Friends kiss or hookup sometimes, without any hidden motives, you know?" She made you laugh more. Of course she'd say something like that. You knew her enough by now.
"If you're interested, of course. I'm not gonna persuade you into something you don't wanna do." She reassured you. Billie always made sure you were comfortable, asking you if the things she said or did made you feel uneasy or not. Sometimes she flirted with you, made some comments with the sexual undertone as a joke, but she never offended you. Even now when she literally prosposed to get intimate with you, only if you wanted to find out how a 'pleasant' kiss felt like.
"I think I'm good. But I know where to go when I change my mind." Billie only scoffed at your response, and she muttered a quiet 'suit yourself.' Her covered with rings fingers grabbed the remote and played the movie again.
Another half of the film played by mostly in silence between you two, momentarily broken by Billie's comments that made you either laugh or cringe, and your corny jokes, that Billie found just straight up silly.
There was one particular scene, that involved Venom's tounge, and you already knew what was about to come. "Okay but hear me out-" She starts again, and you groaned in slight annoyance. "For the love of God..."
Billie chuckled at your reaction. "I can't help it! That tounge can do many things. I bet the kissing would be amazing."
"Just admit that it's not about Venom's tounge, but your lack of action lately." You raised your eyebrow as you watched Billie's expression changed a little. "No! Of course not... okay, maybe... but it's beside the point." The singer protested.
"If someone kissed you right now, will you shut up?" You inquired, at what Billie just laughed. "You wouldn't." She chuckled nonchalantly, calling your bluff.
"Wanna bet?"
Without much thinking about the situation and your feelings, you leaned it. Your lips gently pressing against Billie's, as your eyes closed. The dark haired girl reached her pale hands out, to affectionately cup your cheek, making sure you were in comfortable position when she returned your kiss. The sensation was electric, nothing alike to what you've experienced in the past. She was so gentle with you, so patient. Billie took it slow, making the experience sensual and addicting. There was no forceful tounge shoving down one's throat. No lip biting till there was blood, or uncomfortable pulling on the other's hair. Just pure softness.
Billie pulled away and rested her forehead against your own. Her warm breath tickled your face, as a warm smile creeped onto Billie's face.
"You're a good kisser, for someone who doesn't have much experience..." She laughed. "Can I kiss you again? But this time... I want to do it a little differently." She asked for your consent. You nodded, and before you could even think about anything else, she pulled you onto her lap, kissing you again. This time she deepened the kiss, still keeping the mind on making you enjoy yourself. You melted into her kiss, as your fingers tangled into her hair.
But just after a while of soft kissing and mild making out on your couch, you could feel Billie's hands sliding down your body, before she stopped by your ass. She started groping your flesh gently, making her intentions clear. She pulled away and slowly kissed your neck, up towards your jaw.
You pulled away suddenly, causing Billie to gasp. "Hey, what's wrong?" She automatically asked.
"Billie, I know we were kissing, but I didn't want you to get all handsy with me." The tone you used came out as annoyed and upset, which made Billie worried.
A look of guilt appeared in her blue orbs, all the colours drained from her face, as she let go of you, allowing you to sit back on the sofa.
"Okay, fuck. I'm sorry... but I thought you'd like that?" Her voice sounded like she was asking herself rather than making a statement about you. "I mean, you know..."
"No, what do you mean?"
"Oh, come on. Don't act like you're not undressing me with your eyes every time you look at me..." She whispered, her voice changing from confident to unsure. "We are friends, and I love you as my friend... but I can see that you are into me... right?"
You started at her, not knowing what to say. She genuinely thought that you wanted to hookup with her. You blinded rapidly few times, and opened your mouth, but words died in your throat.
Billie's cheeks immediately turned red out of embarrassment. "Oh my fucking god... I'm so, so sorry! I totally misread the signals!" She whined, her words slightly mumbled but her hands as she hid her face from you. "I-I genuinely thought that you were attracted to me! I mean, you kissed me! I thought that you're into girls, but at the same time-" The girl in front of you started to ramble. You quickly grabbed her hands and pulled them away from her face.
"Eilish, oh my god, shut the fuck up." You laughed. "Girl, calm the fuck down. I swear..."
When Billie finally stopped talking and looked at you, you smiled softly at her, squeezing her hands in a comforting manner. "I do find you easy on the eyes. You're a really gorgeous person, in and outside. I really like spending time with you, but I'm not gonna have sex with you." You explained.
She almost felt stupid. "Then why did you kiss me?" She asked before you could continue.
"Billie, I'm Asexual." You blurted out, not thinking about what could happen. "I kissed you because I formed a deep bond with you. I didn't feel pressured and it made me feel comfortable. You said it yourself that friends kiss sometimes. You suggested and I took on that offer, but it didn't mean anything more. I'm sorry for giving you the false impression. It's not a you problem, it's a me problem."
"Oh..." In that moment everything made sense. The pieces clicked together, and Billie thought why wouldn't she figure it out sooner.
"Oh! Holy shit, that makes sense! Why haven't I thought about it earlier?" She exclaimed loudly. It kinda made you confused.
"What?" You were mentally prepared for another long and pointless conversation and explaining. But she seemed... to be acknowledged? You had to pinch yourself.
"Dude, I know what Asexual is, I'm just surprised you haven't told me." Billie sneered, displaying her mock offence. "I'm not that stupid, I did my research."
"I never said you're stupid. It's just... not a lot of people know what that means." You replied, nervously playing with your fingers.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" You just shruged your arms when the girl asked you that. You didn't have specific answer. Because what were you supposed to tell her? That you were scared that she's gonna judge you?
Billie grabbed your hand, squeezing it in her own palm, offering you some sort of comfort. "Wait. If you're ace, why did you have sex?" Another question came out before Billie could even think about anything else.
"The spectrum is really wide."
The singer tilted her head to the side, clearly getting more curious. "Can you tell me about it? I really want to know more." Her genuineness made you chortle. She was so sweet, even in situations like this. "Sure. I can tell you more." You said in between giggles.
Billie elbowed you, annoyed that you were laughing at her. "Don't laugh at me! I genuinely thought I made you feel uncomfortable."
"Chillax. You did caught me off guard, but it's okay, really. Just next time try not to fuck me."
🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁🃁
When “virgin!reader” is written suspiciously like a child…
THIS 🙌
Imagine #26 (HopelessRomantic!reader - dream world - WLW - insert female love interest - slight angst - witches and magic? - quick read - second hand embarrassment - 419 words) ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
It starts in a dream.
You’re standing in a forest lit by fireflies, barefoot, in whatever you fell asleep in. And in front of you stands…you.
Well, not you-you. But a witch! Who looks exactly like you, only softer-older-wiser. Hair longer, eyes glowing, and in those white nightgowns that reached your ankles.
She steps closer and cups your cheeks like she’s about to tell you a secret. “Stop hurting yourself, love,” she whispers.
“Tell her how you feel.”
You shake your head, cause in your dreams you’re always brave but still scared. “She’ll laugh at me,” you say.
The witch you, but not you only smiles.
“Confess. It’s time.”
You wake up with your heart pounding, with the witches voice echoing in your head like a spell that’s been changed repeatedly.
For the first time: you feel sure.
The universe gave you permission to want something.
So the next morning, you sit at your little desk, the gold sun crawling through your flimsy blinds. You write her a real letter. Pen to paper, ink smudge, honest and handwriting perfect for how shaky you felt but so determined.
You tell her everything!:
how long you’ve loved her
how she makes the world feel warm
how you can’t keep pretending your heart doesn’t jump out your chest whenever she says your name
You fold it, kiss the crease like a fool. Walk outside—well you speed walk about 10 minutes in your sleeping clothes. Without hesitation, without overthinking it, you drop it into the mailbox with a confidence that feels given from the witch in your dreams.
For the rest of the day you feel light and hopeful and magical.
Like they say: “calm before the storm.”
Because when night comes, and you’re laying in bed doom scrolling, smiling at the thought of her reading your letter in a few days.
You see the worst thing: A photo of her and another girl.
Posted by the latter. A string of cute emojis on the corner decorating the image of, her arm around the girl. Her smile so bright and foreign you've never seen before.
Your heart drops...not it shatters. The comments of their friends popping out on the left corner only hurts more.
You shut your phone off and scream into your pillow. Suddenly wishing the witch had never come to you at all. Calling yourself stupid for believing a dream.
Because now, that letter is already on it's way.
And there's no magic spell in the world that can pull it back.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
A/N: Hii! Just part a little imagine I had written out of bored one night, and since it's been months since I've uploaded I thought this was cute enough. Hope you enjoyed.
FUCKBOY!BILLIE x UNINTERESTED!READER
billie is used to people melting the second she smirks — but you don’t. and she HATES it (and loves it).
“c’mon, don’t pretend you don’t like looking at me.”
she purposely stands too close, speaking in a low voice, just to watch you roll your eyes.
“baby, just give me one chance. one. i won’t even disappoint you.”
she asks for your number every single time she sees you, like she didn’t already try last week.
“when can i get the digits?”
she flirts loud enough for everyone to hear, then looks at your reaction like it’s the most important part of her day.
“‘why do i keep trying so hard with you?’ she whispered, like she wasn’t meant to say it out loud.”
she starts dressing nicer when she knows she’ll run into you.
“‘one chance,’ she said. ‘i won’t even disappoint you this time.’”
she gets jealous when you give literally anyone else more attention than her.
“‘do you really not care? not even a little?’ she asked, almost too quietly.”
she’ll lean against walls, licking her lips, pretending she’s not watching you watch her (you aren’t watching her).
“why are you so hard to impress? what do you want, a magic trick?”
she shows up wherever you are — parties, lunch table, library — as if it’s coincidence.
“tell me what i gotta do to get a smile from you.”
she calls you “pretty girl,” “sweetheart,” “my girl” even though you’re not hers.
“you look good today baby.”
“i always look good, but thanks for noticing.”
she gets genuinely irritated when her lines don’t work on you. mutters “why tf aren’t you normal” under her breath.
“you’re the only person who doesn’t flirt back. it’s kinda pissing me off.”
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