ICD-10-CM R45.851

// Trigger Warning //

[icd10-r45-851]

Broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years today and did something I always wanted to do. Here's my imperfect and funny smiley stick'n'poke tattoo. Kinda like a prison tattoo but in my case it's a forbidden psych ward tattoo :)

[icd10-r45-851]

I want to die so bad. I don't feel a thing anymore. Only emptiness. Nothing else. I want this fucking life to be fucking over.

[icd10-r45-851]

[icd10-r45-851]

Guess how's locked up in a closed psych ward with a bunch of really really scary creeps.. And guess who's in the room with the scariest mentality I'll old woman in the unit.. Kill me

[icd10-r45-851]

Puuhh.. Tomorrow I'll be having an important appointment that will decide if I can go to a certain semi impatient unit. I'm really nervous and scared because I just don't want to be locked up again and I think if I tell them exactly what I feel they probably want to keep me in a closed psychiatric ward again but I just don't want that. I need my bed, my cats and my weekends with my boyfriend.

The ideal plan is to go to this unit where you go to in the mornings and come back home in the evenings so you can spend the nights home. And it's only Monday to Friday. But the waiting list is long and it can take up to 10 weeks to get a place in their program.

I just really wish that it'll work but I doubt that.. First of all; I am suicidal and had a pretty recent attempt. I am also pretty much unable to sleep for months and when I do I end up having sleep paralisys and nightmares that seem so real sometimes that I think I'm awake. So I'm psychotic at nighttime.. And that makes me wake up way to late every day and I can't even hear three loud alarms buzzing directly next to my head.

So that would also be a problem because I am pretty sure that I'll come too late to the clinic every day.. And by that I mean a few hours too late..

Next thing is that I have this shitty alcohol problem because my sleeping pills and my meds against anxiety and ptsd don't work anymore and without high doses of alcohol I just can't go to sleep and close my eyes. Bacause I get too many rapidly changing and spinning flashbacks of stuff I just don't want to see and feel ever again.

I am so damn afraid because when I tell them everything.. then I'll probably not go as planned and I will end up in the closed unit again with all this creepy old people again and this will make me feel even worse.

But I also don't want to lie again. I don't want to manipulate the clinic staff and myself into believing I am something I'm not.. I want this nightmare to be over and the only option I have is a new therapy.. Suicide is not an option for me because I don't want my loved ones to live thorough this.

I just don't know that to do and say tomorrow.. It could be the day where everything changes again and I could loose my boyfriend and my hope.. Or the other way around. I don't know..

I initially didn't even plan to write so much rn, just wanted to tell you about my appointment and that I have not drank any alc this evening, which I'm proud of.

Nobody will probably read through all of this mess that I just randomly wrote down.. But if you did read this.. Thank you, for listening to me.

Good night friends🖤

[icd10-r45-851]

Can't sleep evey fckn damn night.. Barely alive at daytime

[icd10-r45-851]

5:22 am.. Still awake

[icd10-r45-851]

Well it's 3:56 am and I'm still awake

[valentina-poem]

[x-lil-sad-lil-anxious-x]

[icd10-r45-851]

What is sleep?

[justa-game]

[depresseddisneyprincess]

[queerlysad]

[chrishallbeck]

[learntosurvivexo]

“Kennst du diesen Moment, wo du nicht reden kannst weil du weißt, dass du sonst in Tränen ausbrichst?”

—

[icd10-r45-851]

Got sexually assaulted this weekend at a concert by the guitarist of a different band (I knew him a little before and he was always distant and friendly).. My boyfriend went to go to the toilet and just when he was gone this man started to grab me and wouldn't let me go.. Not taking my "no" seriously, saying "yes, you want it too". He tried to kiss me and touched me inappropriately.. He is a tall and pretty muscular, strong man in his 40s.. I'm 20 years old and pretty small. No one really noticed around us.

I started to cry and cry because this guy triggered my ptsd from being raped at 14 years old. He let go of me. My boyfriend got back and I told him that I wanted to go. I told him what happened and he told me to stay with some girls who cared about me and he went back in and beat the hell out of this guy and two other friends of his. We got escorted out of the concert hall and thrown out by security because of my boyfriend's angry rage.

We both were a little drunk but I remember everything because I had a little less to drink. My boyfriend did not remember a thing from that evening. Others told us what happened.

My boyfriend had some cuts on his arms, someone must have had a knife or something.

The good thing is that everyone is on our site because this man is actually known for assaulting women who are much younger than him. We never knew about this.. He isn't really famous generally but in the metal scene most know the band and him. I won't tell you guys who it was because I don't want to make all of that public and cause a shitstorm..

I'm just glad that nothing further happened, that he eventually let go of me.. Because I have experienced to much shit from men taking advantage of being stronger or older than me.

Another kinda sad thing is that I really wanted to see the headliner and we had to go before the last band even really started..

If any of you have experienced sexual assault or similar situations than feel hugged by me💕

I will now be even more conscious about who is around me when I'm a little drunk or vulnerable.