I wanted to come back to this post now that donor babyâs (fondly referred to as Unethically Sourced White Baby, or USWB, by the server Iâm in) return has occurred, but havenât be certain on how to formulate my response. I tried. So, in a (long) defence of USWB:
I think, as a donor conceived person, that the discourse regarding the TheoandBuck of it all so far is just missing some context? People may just not know what itâs like to be donor conceived and/or adopted, have forgotten how Henâs family is constructed, and/or be ignorant to the vast amount of ethical issues surrounding sperm- and egg-donation. Thatâs fine. Iâve just been seeing a lot of accusations of bio-essentialism and found family dismissal (which the show doesnât do), and personality retconning (the behaviour is consistent with the plotâs introduction in season 6) all to give Buck a baby, and Iâm not sure I agree.
I viewed a lot of Connor and Kameronâs behaviour during the dinner, in addition to their reasoning for seeking out Buck for help in season 6, as pointing to Theo being an attempt at a designer baby. Sperm- and egg-donation exists in a precarious position that can shift into eugenics rather easily: though people with genetically hereditary diseases are often barred from donating for health reasons, more and more people are pointing out that refusing donations based on mental disorders may be related to the eugenics (and thus, creation of âdesigner babiesâ) driving the industry, and Iâm inclined to agree. Connor and Kameron largely didnât seem to be asking for help in handling Theo (other than the âCould we speak to your mother?â comment), and instead sought out someone to blame. It didnât come from my side of the gene pool, you better not be a criminal, heâs absolutely your kid, weâve visited a number of professionals and none of their suggestions have helped and he might be [said ominously] Diagnosed with Something so we must ask if you are too and withheld it from us.
Itâs no secret at this point that disorders like ADHD and ASD may be hereditary. Itâs also no secret that it doesnât have to be: realistically, Theo couldâve exhibited the same behaviours and symptoms if Connor had been his biological father. Thereâs fine line between âitâs okay if youâd rather your child didnât have thisâ and âitâs okay to pick and choose genetics to have The Best Childâ: you cannot truly remove âa person with autism/ADHD shouldnât donate sperm or eggsâ from eugenics, and you especially cannot disregard the optics of Connor and Kameron specifically choosing a white man to donate when Connor isnât white.
Prospective parents should, of course, be able to make an informed decision, but as my mum put it: Buckâs behaviour, to Buck, does not include symptoms of ADHD. Itâs just his behaviour. He helped them make an informed decision with the information he himself could provide, based on the questions he was asked. To go to his house and essentially blame his DNA for Theoâs behaviour (great parts of which are not solely caused by undiagnosed ADHD, because there is such thing as permissive parenting, especially if none of the four experts they consulted could come up with even slightly helpful solutions and methods) is very plainly weird. Any parent worth their salt of a donor conceived person wouldnât blame all their childâs âbadâ behaviour on genetics. Theyâd be removing their own hand in raising the child. That, specifically, would be bio-essentialist.
The show doesnât have a habit of using that line of thinking. Mara and Denny are not biologically related to Hen and Karen, but thereâs no doubt theyâre not their kids. The fandom keeps comparing Chrisâ behaviour to Buckâs, Buckâs to Bobbyâs, May and Harryâs to Bobbyâs, and nothing is written accidentally. The show itself even has suggested Buckâs impulsive streak comes from his parentsâ emotional neglect: the flashbacks of Buck Begins are steeped in the idea that he was desperate to receive their attention, and getting hurt was the only way he could.
I could go on like this. Had Bobbyâs father not been an alcoholic, Bobby likely would not have drunk the whiskey after his death to connect with him. Had Ramon Diaz not had a job that had him away from home for such long stretches of time, Eddie likely wouldnât have been so insistent on what a fatherâs role is in a family, and might not have joined the army after Shannon got pregnant. Youâre coloured by your environment and the way you grew up, not just by your genetics. My own behaviour is most similar to that of my legal fatherâs: nurture, not nature.
Of course Iâm not ignorant to the showâs potential implication that Buck may be better at handling Theo because theyâre relatedâor at least, because he understands his own mind and behaviours, and as such would understand Theoâs. But then he wasnât shown to be better at handling Theo. He was shown to be somewhat capable handling him whilst babysitting, which is different from parenting: when he canât give Theo all of his attention, Theo almost sets his kitchen on fire.
Disliking this storyline doesnât mean itâs inherently an amoral depiction of something, much like enjoying a storyline doesnât mean itâs inherently a good portrayal. It ultimately exists in a grey area in a reasonably progressive show that, from time to time, proves itself as one of the more democrat-aligned shows of American procedurals. But as someone donor conceived, I simply donât see this storyline as particularly problematic, as Buck doesnât even want to be Theoâs parentâheâll (perhaps only initially) be a foster parent at most, underlined by the show (and Buck himself) differentiating between âBuckâ and ânext of kinâ. And if anyone could encourage Buck to foster, it would be Eddie, as Eddieâs been concerned with people falling through the cracks of the safety net the entirety of season 9. That would be the found family youâre looking for: choosing to help and to love.
So before you write this storyline off as fridging, bio-essentialist, or out of character, please remember that the show has a habit of relating a childâs behaviour to how theyâve been parented. Remember that Buck doesnât consider himself to be Theoâs dad. And remember that in season 6, Connor and Kameron were pushy, stepped over boundaries, and chose Buck because he was Connorâs tall, handsome, heroic, (white), friend without a criminal background. Their behaviour hasnât been retconned since; itâs just been built upon. If that means some viewers therefore see Buck of all characters as the better option, then so be it.
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