Most stay-at-home moms simply can’t afford child care.
Can you remember the first time you heard about “tradwives”? I can’t, and yet I have the vague feeling that at some point a handful of years ago, all at once, the term became inescapable. On phone screens across the United States, beautiful women with glossy hair seemed to materialize en masse, flipping sizzling patties of meat and rocking impossibly calm babies. Conservative commentators embraced them as evidence that women want to stay home. Critics called them agents of a regressive right-wing agenda.
Now, in 2026, Americans seem just as captivated. This spring, Caro Claire Burke released her debut novel, Yesteryear, which follows a modern-day tradwife influencer who wakes up in 1855 and has to face what “traditional” life really looks like. It became a near-immediate best seller; Amazon MGM Studios snatched up the film rights, with Anne Hathaway set to star and produce. In April, Hulu began airing the series The Testaments, a sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale that depicts teen girls trained to be docile homemakers. Instead of math or English, they’re taught to embroider, to cook—and to regard a provider husband as the ultimate goal.
The truth, though, is that the tradwife—as symbol, TikTok genre, source of fascination, and wedge in America’s culture war—doesn’t easily map onto a real-life category of person. The women who post about their impeccable meals and beloved husbands might be better understood as businesswomen; some are making huge sums from this work, supporting their families. And other stay-at-home mothers—well, they’re not all in it for the love of domesticity. Many are just exhausted, low-income moms who can’t afford child care. “The real path to becoming a tradwife,” Jessica Calarco, a sociologist at the University of Wisconsin at Madison, told me, “is typically through economic precarity.”
The housewife of popular imagination has never been much more than a fantasy. Even the 1950s homemaker—an iconic vision of domestic bliss, standing in the kitchen in heels and a frilly apron—represented only a small slice of mid-century women, Caitlyn Collins, a Washington University in St. Louis sociology professor, told me. White women with high-earning husbands were generally the ones who could afford to stay home, while many other women—especially women of color, whose husbands made far less on average—had to work low-wage jobs to help pay the bills.
Since then, the situation has flipped: Child care has grown so expensive that many low-income women who want to work can’t afford to get a job. Of course, plenty of struggling moms are still employed outside the home; many of them rely on family members, neighbors, or older kids to watch young children for free, as some women of previous generations did. But not everyone has that option. A great number of parents, especially ones without college degrees, are struggling to bear the cost of professional child care. In low-income families, if only one parent works, they tend to be eligible for much-needed state benefits. But if both work, they might fall into what Calarco calls the “missing middle” of America’s social safety net: Their combined salaries bump up their income just enough that they no longer qualify for aid. And then they need to pay for child care—which, without assistance, they simply can’t manage.
When one parent in a straight couple needs to stay home, that role typically falls to the mother—even when both partners say they want an egalitarian division of labor, Calarco told me. Male-dominated fields tend to be higher-paid, she said, so a lot of women feel that giving up their job simply makes most sense; then, in many cases, their husband finds that any hope for a raise lies in working longer hours. The women are left with an even heavier burden of unpaid labor—and a shrinking likelihood of getting back into the workforce. Once those women are financially dependent, she added, some of them grow afraid to ask their husband for more help: “They have no bargaining power.”
This is the precarity-to-tradwife pipeline. Families with stay-at-home moms are three times more likely than dual-income families to fall below the supplemental poverty line, according to one report from the think tank Century Foundation. For her book Holding It All Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net, Calarco surveyed about 2,000 parents across the U.S.—and found that among families with stay-at-home moms, roughly 75 percent had a household income under $50,000 a year. Roughly half of those families were receiving food stamps and Medicaid, and more than two-thirds reported difficulty paying bills. And although some of these moms really did want to stay home with their kids, most of those she interviewed said they’d love to get a job if they could.
One woman she spoke with, referred to as Erin in the book, told Calarco that neither she nor her husband were offered paid family leave through work. They didn’t qualify for the public child-care program where they lived in Indiana, but they couldn’t afford any other option. When their son was born, Erin took a night-shift job at a grocery store; she’d clock in after taking care of her infant all day. But then she virtually never slept. That’s how she ended up as a stay-at-home mom. She told Calarco that she still dreams about going back to work. When she crunches the numbers, though, they never add up in her favor.
Erin’s everyday life bears little resemblance to that of, say, Hannah Neeleman—the tradwife influencer known as Ballerina Farm, who has more than 10 million Instagram followers, employs a team of gardeners, and sells electrolyte powders with “hand-harvested French sea salt,” which she markets by concocting homemade spritzes garnished with shaved lemon peel. (Her husband is the son of JetBlue’s founder, who reportedly has a net worth of more than $400 million.) In fact, Collins said, anyone who makes stay-at-home parenting look glamorous likely has some help: if not a fleet of gardeners, then perhaps in-laws shooing the kids out of the frame, or at least pocket money to send out the laundry.
Yet the Pinterest version of stay-at-home parenting, as Collins put it, might still appeal to a lot of moms who are plunged into a far less chic reality—moms who want to feel that there’s romance in what they’re doing, or at least some dignity. Many women, Calarco found, experience a lot of shame after leaving formal employment: about not working, or falling short of exacting and expensive intensive-parenting standards, or using government benefits. (Erin, for one, was determined to not use the food stamps her family became eligible for when she quit her job.) Some of those Calarco spoke with were drawn toward communities, such as conservative mom groups and evangelical churches, that assuaged some of that lonely self-consciousness. “They tell them, No, this is your rightful place. This is the most important work that you could be doing,” Calarco said. “And that’s a really validating message.”
For some mothers, leaning into the housewife identity may be easier than accepting that you’ve been pushed out of the workforce by circumstances beyond your control. Or perhaps a lot of moms have just internalized the very American idea that parenting is their responsibility alone. For Collins’s book Making Motherhood Work: How Women Manage Careers and Caregiving, she interviewed 135 mothers in the U.S., Sweden, Germany, and Italy. In the three European countries, Collins said, mothers generally assumed they’d have parenting support from their government, their employer, and their partner. And they do get that, at least to a greater degree than mothers in the United States. All three nations have some federally mandated parental leave, for fathers as well as mothers. They have public child-care systems that, though not always perfect, are generally affordable and high quality. They tend to have more options for flexibility, such as part-time work and parental-leave days that can be used over time, when an employee chooses. There, as here, moms still tend to take on more child care than dads. But the decision between paid and unpaid work isn’t always so starkly all-or-nothing.
When Collins asked moms in the U.S. how they thought the government might better support them, she said, most “just totally drew a blank.” That they might get some help—indeed, that they might be owed it—had not even occurred to them. Collins posed a question to me: If we woke up tomorrow in a country that guaranteed six months of highly compensated parental leave, where everyone had affordable day care near their home, where part-time work existed across industries, would the tradwife exist? Even if some women would still choose to stay home, maybe the trope wouldn’t be dominating popular culture in the way that it currently is.
In the U.S. that actually exists, the average parent has to make difficult trade-offs. When the New York University sociologist Kathleen Gerson interviewed 120 midlife adults about their thoughts on work-family conflicts, she found that among participants who adopted a “hypertraditional” approach to gender roles, 55 percent of women and 50 percent of men wanted a more equitable balance. Women tended to want more career possibilities, and men more time with their kids. The participants who were trying to share duties across gender lines were happier with their approach than any other group was; 88 percent of women and 81 percent of men said that they preferred it to any other option. But even they tended to feel dissatisfied. Their commitment to caregiving left them worn down, short on sleep and personal time, and worried about underperforming at work.
When Collins teaches about child-care costs, students—usually young women—find her after class, panicking, asking, “How can I possibly have kids?” The tough thing is that there’s only so much she can say to ease their minds. She tells them to remember these challenges when they vote and also when they look for jobs: What’s this employer’s parental-leave policy? Does the office have lactation rooms?
The tougher thing is that her students aren’t the ones who most need to worry. Thanks to their level of education, they’re relatively likely to get higher-earning jobs with flexible hours, to have the bargaining power to demand help from their partner, to be able to outsource care so that they can keep working. If any of them become tradwives, they may be among the lucky ones who’ve actually chosen it.
you have to be in a certain specific mood to listen to classic rock because sometimes a guy is playing his guitar and you're just like shut the fuck up man
youre a stronger person than me cause ive kinda given up on women esp male attracted women as a group cause like the lenghts they will go through for dick and when u point out how harmful and humiliating it is, how much they play an active role in their own oppression suddenly You are the bad guy.
not saying ofc het partnered women deserve to suffer or anything like that, but the comphet is SO strong its impossible in the majority of cases to help them see the Truth about the patriarchy :/
I can’t give up on male attracted women because I am one. I know from personal experience that’s it’s possible to decenter yourself from seeking male validation through sex and focus on your own desires and sexual pleasure.
I fully believe sex (which I define broadly as involving direct genital simulation) is a neutral act and that sexual desire is healthy human behavior. Men want sex. Women want sex. Everyone wants it to feel good. We want to connect with each other physically. To give and receive pleasure. Wanting is normal.
But women are shamed for wanting. For seeking sex and pleasure. We’re raised from birth to center men and their pleasure. Taught that our worth is based on how many men want to fuck us and on denying sex to all but the one man the deigns to marry us. Then our sexuality belongs to him. We’re supposed to submit to our husband’s desires and not bother him with our own.
Women aren’t supposed to want sex so what happens when we acknowledge that we actually really really do? It twists us up inside. The cognitive dissonance is too much. How can a woman want sex so much when it’s wrong and disgusting and degrading to admit out loud much less actually act on it?
I think 2010s sex-positivity did a lot of good in acknowledging the fact that women are sexual beings with wants and desires and the ability to experience sexual pleasure fully and independently of a man’s pleasure. However I also think that the pop journalism wave carrying the sex-positive feminist message spread a lot of half baked and reactionary takes like BDSM is progressive and any critique of any sex act is conservative and paternalistic to women. I think this has left a lot of women with the ability to acknowledge that they want sex and intimacy but without the tools (or willingness) to examine how socialization and outside pressures influence their understanding of their desires.
There’s no instant cure for this. Some women will never be able to break free of their socialization, especially when validation is itself so incredibly pleasurable. But it’s still worthwhile to encourage women to embrace their natural sexuality while also trying to decouple their desires from the patriarchal social expectation that sex exists solely for male pleasure and that any pleasure a woman experiences during sex is derivative of the man’s pleasure from fucking her.
I would encourage all women (male attracted or not) to really sit with their own sexual desires and try to figure out where the source of the desire is. Does it feel good because your body reacts positively? Or does it feel good because it makes you feel hot and wanted even if it hurts you or is physically uncomfortable? Does giving up control really stimulate you sexually? Or does it relieve you of your embarrassment from being inexperienced or your shame of admitting that you want sex?
There is undoubtedly pleasure in giving pleasure but make sure you know the difference between actually receiving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure and experiencing the pleasure of validation and performing to social expectations.
I am not sharing this essay to make fun of the writer or to direct scorn to her comment section, but I would encourage y’all to read this with a critical eye to how she describes her wants and desires and what she thinks is driving them.
and still searching for love in the modern dating age
also "blue no matter who" is not what got Platner on the ballot, you idiots. blue no matter who is for the general election, when it's down to brass tacks and you have two options, Republican or Democrat. this was a primary with multiple Democratic fucking options! we told y'all for MONTHS about the Nazi tattoo, the misogynist reddit posts, the warmongering, etc, but y'all screamed "BUT HE'S A LEFTIST" and about your purity politics
this was on Y'ALL to pick a better candidate to back in the primary because WE FUCKING TOLD Y'ALL
we BEEN telling y'all for fucking DECADES and y'all have helped the Republicans dismantle every bit of progress we scratched and fought for because if you can't have every pie in the sky dream immediately right now you just don't care if women, Black people, Muslims, Jews, queers, trans people, Latine, etc suffer for your precious class reductionism ideology
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