Growing, Learning, Evolving
My trauma does not define me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't leave me with challenges. A lifetime of emotional neglect, trauma, and abandonment has left me to be one highly functional fucked-up adult. Pardon my language.
The brain is complexed. Every brain is different, no two brains are the same as everyone is a combination of DNA plus their own developments based on whatever life dealt them. I struggle with quick, logical thinking when under pressure. If I have time and a positive atmosphere, I am more likely to be able to think logically. But being put on the spot with harsh reactions triggers my fight or flight mode. I always go into flight mode.
I find myself repeating the same mistakes, not being able to think logically and quickly. My anxiety goes full force and it's like my brain is blank and all I can focus on is breathing and not messing up but then I instantly mess up because of course I am not thinking of the right things.
It's not that I don't care, I do. I just simply do not know how to train my brain to not do that. It's not as simple as it may seem for me. I wish I could just flip a switch, keep my good mindset and not make these common, simple errors. But I struggle with that. And I don't know why.
I can do a good job in a low-pressure atmosphere. The office is my sanctuary, I work alone, and at my own pace and if I keep a good mindset then I thrive. I don't have an outlet to let my feelings out other than me and my trusty journal. Simply, because no one understands me, but how can they if I don't understand fully myself. You would think there would be empathy but there's not, often I am more of a burden in the workplace especially when I am doing physical labour.
I can have a good day if the person I am working with is in a great mood, but I often mess up and cause that to switch quickly. It's not my intention, I just get stressed and in flight mode. This sounds like a bunch of excuses but I do try. I'm my worst critic compared to others, I see my mistakes. I simply do not understand why I can't get common things like other people. I need directly explained directions or someone to show me how to do it AND BE PATIENT. If I don't have that, I can't wrap my brain around it. It's just not my learning style.
Everyone has different learning styles, different brains and different traumas. And I simply wish everyone could understand that.
I don't like the victim mentality, my past does not define me, I am more than capable of things. I can do things. That doesn't go without saying that I find myself with the victim mentality and I have to force myself out of it. It's not easy. But my problems are not everyone else's. My past doesn't define me, I am more than capable of many things and I can and I will.
No one prepares you for adulthood, everyone is growing and learning and I mean EVERYONE. There's not one life guru, everyone is changing, learning, and evolving at all times. Even the oldest wisest person. Sure, people are more experienced than others, but what works for them might not work for you.
Everyone has their own version of trauma and it's up to every one to break generational trauma and be the best person they can be.
Life is about learning and growing and evolving. Finding your own way and doing whatever you can to give yourself the best life.
For me, I need to focus on how to clear my head and think logically in fast-paced situations. I know I can do it, I just have to stay calm and not focus on the wrong things at the wrong times. I am not doing it for anyone else but myself, I deserve to succeed and feel happy and if I can manage to do that, it will also benefit others around me.
At the end of the day, I got this.
titsay
turnnoffyourmind
gamechangershow
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
