Misquoted Umbrella Academy

Mostly Klaus

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Klaus. Come here. Come here. Come here. A little bit closer. Listen. I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face against my palm, would you?

Five

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Klaus' Funeral

Diego: [At Klaus' funeral] Klaus was lost at sea about a year ago. Thought he saw a bird and he swam out to pet it, he never came back.

Ben: We all loved Klaus, even though he never had a phone number, or address, or a social security number. In the whole time I knew him he never cashed a pay check.

Luther: Sweet Klaus.

Ben: He was a sensitive man though. He told me he wanted to donate his organs to science before he died, so he could see where they ended up. He'll long be remembered and he'll be sorely missed

[Klaus walks up]

Klaus: Thank you, Reverend.

[All groan]

Five: Oh, Come on!

Luther: Really?

Klaus: Klaus was a great man. And I will miss him so much. And I will not rest until I find his killer.

Luther: What?

Diego: His killer?

Klaus: It is hard for me to believe that he is gone.

Diego: He's not gone!

Klaus: I feel that I just saw him yesterday!

Five: You were probably talking to yourself in a mirror.

Klaus: When I got the news, I didn't even know how to make sense of it!

Diego: None of us understand!

Klaus: Why? Why? Why did you take him from us?

Luther: You're clearly standing in front of us, Klaus.

Klaus: Goddamn you!

Five: Klaus!

Klaus: Klaus is dead!

Ben: No, Klaus' alive.

Klaus: [point to his own picture] Klaus is dead! Look at him!

Diego: He's not dead!

Ben: He's not dead, Klaus. You're not dead

Luther: You're Klaus!

Five: Klaus it's you!

Klaus: Klaus is dead

Five, Ben, Diego and Luther: No!

Ben: You are Klaus. Touch yourself.

Klaus: I am Klaus!

Five, Ben, Diego and Luther: YES!

Klaus: I'm alive?!

Five, Ben, Diego and Luther: Yes!

Klaus: [hysterically laughing] I'm alive.

Ben: Of course you are.

Luther: Oh for heaven sakes.

Diego: You kinda wanna- you kinda want to slug him.

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Five: Klaus?

Klaus: No.

Five: Klaus, it's you.

Klaus: I'm sorry, you must've mistaken me for somebody else. My name is Anastasia Beaverhausen. -

Five: -

Klaus: Oh, all right, all right, it's me! What in the hell are you doing here?

Five: Felt like a drink. And, you know, sometimes you want to go where... nobody knows your name. - I'm gonna need a martini in a Big Gulp.

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Patch: So this is it, huh? The family kitchen. I bet there's a lot of history here.

Diego: Yeah, sure is. Right there- That's the spot Luther got stabbed. And, uh... that's where I was standing when I 'accidentally' stabbed Luther.

Patch: ... Whereas I was thinking less along the lines of bloodshed and more along the lines of family dinners.

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Patch: Hi. Patch

Klaus: Well, hello, high Patch. I'm high Klaus. [to Diego] I like this one.

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Klaus: But I love him

Ben: You do not.

Klaus: Maybe I'm just in love with love.

Ben: Maybe you're just an idiot.

Klaus: Maybe...

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Five: (to Diego) So, what's going on between you and Luther? I'm sensing some tension.

[Later on]

Five: (to Dolores) I didn't sense any tension. I just wanted some drama and I figured they were a good start.

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Raymond: I can't believe we're burying this guy in the woods.

Klaus: I can't believe you guys didn't let me smash his teeth out and cut off his hands.

Raymond: ...

Allison: ....

Ben: ...

Klaus: What? You want to get away with this or not?

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Just so you know, I'm speaking calmly, but there is a tantrum brewing inside me the likes of which the commission has never seen.

Five

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Luther: I can't believe Dad grounded me for a whole month. Just because I came home late.

Diego: Well, you deserved it. I mean getting everybody's hopes up like that and then showing up again.

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Alison: Vanya, come with me. I'll take you to someone who will make you feel better.

Vanya: Is it my rabbit cottontail? The one who went to live upstate?

Alison: He died, Vanya. Dad buried him in the backyard.

Klaus: And not in that order.

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Vanya: I find your decision to go back to black empowering.

Alison: I thought you found my decision to go from black to blonde empowering?

Vanya: As a feminist, virtually everything a woman does is empowering.

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Klaus: Then I went to Mexico and I tried to enter a cockfight.

Vanya: ... As a person?

Klaus: Yes, Vanya, as a person.

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Klaus: So I said to myself Kyle--

Alison: Kyle?

Klaus: That's what I call myself.

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Ben: You're stupid.

Klaus: That's it?

Ben: Give it time. It'll eat at you.

(later)

Klaus: Am I stupid.

Vanya: Yeah, a little.

Klaus: Damn him.

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Reginald: Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.

Klaus: See, when you say it, it just sounds weird

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Diego: I'm a wanted man

Alison: Well that's impossible, you weren't even a wanted child.