173 days have passed. I woke up and wrote this at 6:28 after the tears had stopped.
“I lay his head upon my arm, upon my left arm, as in a 팔베개.
He said something like "if I don't wake up, ..." then something to me or maybe he said "i probably won't wake up so.... " then something to me.
I think I said "no of course you'll wake up, but just in case you don't, i want you to know I love you and I'm sorry and ...." something else as well.
He was so frail there, the opposite of when I was a child and he was the big adult.
And until then I do not know if he was the patient and I was the doctor or family member”
And I woke up with tears, wet and salty, streaming down my face, and I could not stop them.
I was confused. I am not actively grieving his death. I take solace in the fact that, in accordance with Parfit’s Reductionism, Relationship-R is still present between us. I have my memories of him, and in that sense, he is still connected to me. Parfit is said to have consoled a mourning person that just as someone who isn’t present in person is distant to us geographically, similarly is he who is dead – simply distant to us mortally. Just as we do not mourn those away in space, so too should we not mourn them for being away mortally.
I take immense relief and calm in this.
In this way, I have been living.
But this is the second time I have woken up crying – once in October, immediately after my trip to Korea, and once again today.
It is unlike me to let my rationality fall apart as such.
I must reread sections of Parfit.
gummygunk
titsay
baratheonpilled
origamiaround
tangentwithtanner
snowghoul
romaincrisis
