Ant

Posting my thoughts here. Please leave me alone. (Minors do not interact. You will get blocked.)

[insignificantant]

I'm so close to finally getting the love that I crave. I'm being enabled and encouraged to act obsessively... but I can't help worrying about if I'll really get accepted for who I am, for what I want to be.

This feels too easy and wonderful to happen just like that. This feels like it won't work because of something about me that won't be enough.

I'm scared and I want to love.

[insignificantant]

To feel this affection toward someone. To be so openly vulnerable to them and still feel deeply and genuinely attracted to them and have them encourage you obsessively talking about them would be a dream come true.

It feels like this will never happen because of my dating preferences.

[insignificantant]

I dedicate this to the one I will someday love wholeheartedly.

If you ever read this, we may have come a long way. I write this in times of great darkness in my life. I walk around aimlessly as I hope for a release that might never come. I wish to keep being a person who will never accept this life as it is. I want to let, not the world, but everyone else know that I will never accept this life I have because of the reason that I cannot change it anyways. I will never accept those who do whatever they want with us.

And because of that I carry myself a great burden.

You, the one I trust, have been part of my life for I hope quite a while. You know that I struggle beneath the weight everyone including myself would blame me for. I'm doing this to myself. But you might have understood why. You might understand me better than any person I've ever met. You suffer with me. And I will be the cause for many great deals of pain. The fact that you never neglected me is something I was wishing for my entire life.

This Account's purpose is to contain all my yearnings, all my delusions and hopes that I desperately cling to because nothing else holds onto me like the chances of finding happiness. I do not want to say that you are the sole meaning of my happiness but you might have played a big part in why I kept going despite all my anger towards everyone else.

You carry my burden with me.

No one would voluntarily dare to do this. It is unhealthy and toxic. But I'm trying to better myself. To somehow deal with this myself to not crush you under the weight of my problems. It is hard to do all by myself currently. I keep hurting people. And I will probably hurt you as well, or have done so already.

And you stayed.

It is impossible for me to think that such a person would ever exist. But the hopes of finding someone like you keep me going every day.

[thelostpretzel]

i get really disgusted when i think that somebody could love me but at the same time im extremely sad about it. what do you mean i am enough when i am alone. why am i like that. i dont want to be whole and alone. i cant do it all alone. damn why am i like that

[insignificantant]

So close to just ending it. I can't keep it up. I can't fucking bear being seen but not heard. This pit is growing inside me and every day I carry a little more of it with me.

People don't care. And when they do, I push them away. I'm chasing my own fucking tail here.

I'm so mad but I can't blame anyone. I feel so lonely and at the same time can't bear to share my thoughts. I feel so impulsive to go and do it but I'm really just gonna stay in my chair and never dare to.

It's always there, it's always present and it tears at my mind the weaker I feel.

The more people I meet, the more I drown in this sticky tar pit begging for a hand to reach me but never saying it out loud.

Fucking get me out.

[insignificantant]

I curse and adore being Hyperfixated on a person.

I love the joy I get from observing their pretty faces or cute looks. I'd love to give them a little drawing of them, how I see them, showing what goes on in my mind.

But there's this other side. When I slowly get to know a person. Seeing more and more things that I don't like about them. Realizing more and more how I idealize them in my head until my interest dies out.

Days, weeks, maybe even months pass but I always walk down this spiral again.

That's why I keep my distance. That's why I watch from afar. If I want to find out a little something about them, I look for a way to avoid meeting them. I get so caught up in the dream, that I forget that people are boring.

If only my fixation would dare to look back.

If only I would challenge their gaze.

[insignificantant]

Maybe I'm fucking delusional but maybe there is this one person in my seminars that keeps looking at me sometimes. I've started observing them and looking up their name in the rosters of the seminars we share.

I'm too shy to approach them like that haha. They intrigue me and are now my target of interest.

Maybe they are doing that as well? That would be so fun.

[insignificantant]

I feel this light exhaustion. I barely did anything today. And my mood is also just a steady "meh". It's not sadness but also no neutrality. Just a constant "I don't want this". "This" refers to anything, from simple tasks, to things I liked to do.

[insignificantant]

Good to know that you're doing well, I'm fine too

Okay

[insignificantant]

It's a trick ig... Idk. Anyways, how are you

I'm doing a little better since the last time I posted. How are you doing Mysterious Person that apparently knows me?

[insignificantant]

Sup, long time no see

Eh- uh.. apparently? I wouldn't know-

Is this a trick?

[insignificantant]

⠀ ↑ Another mental low has hit this person

[cadencescene-deactivated2026032]

there’s nothing hotter than being equally addicted to each other

[insignificantant]

To have someone fawn over you like a depraved idiot. Is it just me? There has to be another. Come on pretty plllease-

[insignificantant]

My body doesn't know how to sleep anymore.

I wake up at the same time every day, regardless of how long I sleep. When I go to bed earlier, I wake up in the night constantly. And if not I just feel shitty in the morning.

I think I have Insomnia or something.

[insignificantant]

I had a joke about paper today…but it was tearable🗒️

I am going to tear up

[insignificantant]

"I think I am in love with you." Are you though?

Would you fight me? Would you get into trouble with me? Would you actively participate in my life or just watch me from afar? You think it's just some cutesy stuff? Holding hihi hands and doing haha kissies? I'm not into that even.

I'd tell you my most depraved thoughts about you. I need someone to share burdens with. I need trauma bonding. Someone who grabs my wrist when I push them away again. Someone who also can handle my most aggressive side. Someone who doesn't care about anything else more than me (except maybe for family, I'm still sane). Someone who won't cross my lines. Someone who can cry and not be the most sentimental person in the Friend group. Someone who would stalk me if they could. Someone who would get my hints. Someone who actively states their unfiltered opinion.

I had enough jumpy rope relationships. Time to drag you down with me or burn.