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it-just-feels-like-static

I wish life would give me a moment to be okay before throwing more shit at me.

it-just-feels-like-static

It's been years and this is still a huge mood

I just found this in our drafts:

"I'm so fucking sick of this.

I'm sick of feeling like shit.

I want to get better, but it's so hard."

I think it was about our eating disorder

It's really awesome that we've finally recovered from it

Hey, I’m going through similar shit with my parents. I’m sorry you have to go through this, you don’t deserve it. You deserve an amazing family who cares about you deeply. I hope things get better for you soon 💕

This has probably been in my askbox for a year or two and I'm sorry but thank you

Wow ok it's been a long time since anyone's posted on here

Since the end of 2018 I believe...

I'm still alive btw

Wow I have a lot of stuff to add to this vent blog now

I guess to start, here's a re-introduction

Hi, I'm Alex (they/them), and I'm a part of a DID system

Recently, my abusive partner of over a year killed herself, and so that's been the main thing I've had to deal with. My parents still aren't great, but they seem to be taking my emotions seriously now that my partner like actually McFucking died bc of emotions

So yeah.... sorry I disappeared, or well, someone else in the system disappeared.. I'm very new lmao

#vent tw #did system #death tw #suicide tw #abuse tw

They Won

They've taken everything from me.

I'm finally in a position where I would be able to do something about the abuse, where I would be able to get justice, and they want to change? They're fucking "sorry," and they're acting better? They want to fix the disaster they call a "family."

And they still won't stop being abusive. There's just no more physical violence. No more sexual abuse. Less yelling. That's all I get.

I can't do anything. I'm trapped. They won't ever have anything happened to them unless I kill myself.

No one will believe me. No one will take it seriously. No one will do anything about it. No one ever has.

Who would take children from a mother and father who are trying their best? Who aren't even that bad? Without any proof? The younger kid still wants to stay! The younger kid loves the parents! The younger kid says that stuff didn't even happen, and if it did, it wasn't that bad! The younger is a sweet kid. That older one is just a rebellious teenager looking for attention. The older one probably had it coming, anyway. The older one is a difficult child.

They took everything I had, everything I was, and everything I could have been. And now, now they want to build a better relationship? They want to act like it never happened, like everything's okay? They expect me to forgive them? To appreciate them? To love them?

And they're still going to be hurting me. There's still yelling. There's still guilt tripping. There's still fighting. There's still storming out of the room for no reason. There's still cold looks. There's still anger and hate. There's still do much wrong. There's just nothing I can prove, nothing I can stop, and nothing anyone will care about.

I have nothing. I can do nothing. I am nothing.

They won.

Sometimes I have to cook food with one of the wooden spoons I've been hit with. It's the only one left, and it's the smallest. Maybe if my mother hadn't insisted on hitting children with them, they would've lasted longer.

It's kinda funny in a sick way.

#physical abuse #abuse tw #violence tw #actually abused #actually traumatized #actuallyabused #actually cptsd #toxic mother #toxic home #toxic family #abuse #child abuse #abuse mention #abusive mother #abusive parents

When I was

A young boy

My father

Took me into the Walmart parking lot

To beat my ass

#trauma memes #trauma memories #actually traumatized #actually abused #actually cptsd #physical abuse #violence tw #abuse #toxic family #abuse tw #mcr #my chemical romance #welcome to the black parade #emo memes #mcr memes

She told that she can look at me if she wants to because she's my mother.

I still don't want her too.

She said it was okay for me to see those things because I was too young to remember it.

I remember.

She tells me I should hug and kiss her.

I really don't want to.

#abuse tw #actually abused #s*xual abuse #sex tw #actually traumatized

I'm doing that thing again where I just feel like static. I can't feel emotions, and I don't know how long I'll be like this.

#dissociation #actuallymentallyill #actuallytraumatized #vent tw

I wish life would give me a moment to be okay before throwing more shit at me.

#vent tw #vent post #vent

I'm very proud of all of my disabilities, but a lot of the abuse I went through is because I'm disabled and I wasn't diagnosed with anything for a very long time. My disabilities were seen as me being lazy, being difficult, not trying, and being bad for attention. I feel so much guilt. I feel like it's my fault. I feel like I don't have the right to complain. If I wasn't disabled, or if I had gotten diagnoses, I feel like I would be fine. I feel like I destroyed the family. I feel disgusting for ever saying anything bad about my parents, especially now that things are better than they've ever been. My family is still ridiculously toxic, but it's more bearable. That should be enough, right? Shouldn't I be happier? Shouldn't I love my family more? Maybe because I'm used to so much worse, when stuff happens to make it just a little bit better I don't realize how bad things are.

Tfw u really need help on an assignment, but u don't have anyone you can safely get help from, and it needs to be done in 2 days ago

Guess I'll die

#:/

I had never understood why people always say "I don't want to die like this," until the other day. I was at school thinking about killing myself, and I thought, "I don't want to die in that house."

I've lived in the same house my entire life. I don't want to die there. So many bad things have happened there, and I think it would be disrespectful to myself to die there. It's hard to put into words, but that's how I feel.

If I'm going to kill myself, then I guess the best thing to do is lie down on the train tracks after midnight on a Sunday. Like right now, but after I clean my room. I'd be to embarrassed to kill myself if my room was anything less than perfect. I don't want anyone to see how unclean it is.

#suicide tw #actually cptsd #actually traumatized #actually depressed #actually abused #death tw #abuse tw

I just don't want to deal with life anymore.

#suicide tw #actually depressed #actuallyabused #actually abused #actually traumatized #actually cptsd #actuallymentallyill #i want to d*e #vent tw #vent post #vent #depression

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit... disappointed that no adult has ever tried to see if something was wrong with my family.

Maybe they think that because I'm well behaved, my parents must be awesome? Maybe because my family acts so different, so nice in public, they don't think they could be bad at home? Maybe it looks like they're doing everything right because they don't notice the little things that can't be hidden?

Maybe no one cares.

Looking back, I don't know how no one thought that something was wrong with my family.

Hahaha I have a lot of anger issues

#im angry #all of the time

I'm absolutely disgusting, and I'm still too good for this world.

#fuck everything #i want to d*e

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