(Janique Hockaday)
Insecurities.. We all have them. Why do we have them? Everyone feels insecure from time to time, perhaps particularly in certain situations. You may feel that youāre not as attractive, intelligent, or well-situated in life as you could be. Comparing yourself to the people around you can make you feel even worse. You can also be made to feel insecure by actual events in your life. For instance, If you are lacking in your love life. You desire to be in a relationship but canāt seem to find somebody to be in one with you. Or when you are in that relationship, they might not treat you as you expected. Causing you to feel ugly, less than, or not good enough. Your teenaged daughter shouts in your face saying that youāre a terrible parent. Or, your parents can make you feel inadequate by pointing out all your failings and missed opportunities. In all of these cases, you wonder what youāve done wrong. Or let's talk about the VIsions that God has given us Some of us are called to preach, some of us are called to prophesy, maybe even be a doctor Ā or a psychologist. Whatever it might be, but because of those insecurities. We tell God āno, not meā, āI canāt do itā. Ā Why do we feel like that? Most of us will say, āWell, itās natural. We all feel that wayā Yes, it is natural. But it is also spiritual.You're probably wondering what do i mean? What I mean is. The enemy doesnāt want us to know our worth. He doesnāt want us to know how valuable we are. In Genesis 3:14 So the LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this, "Cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life.āJesus never told us that. Never did he curse us to crawl around. He has called us to move mountains and to rise above all. With all that being said. Satan hates us because of the power we have been given. But for his benefit, he needs us to be blinded and unaware of the anointing we have on our lives.That way we can be defeated. BUT GOD! He has a much better plan for our lives.I have gone through insecurities ever since I was a little girl. My insecurities were so excessive, teachers thought I had ADHD or some type of learning disability. Everything I would do or did i would instantly feel self conscious about it. I had a difficult time making friends, just because of the fact that I felt i wasn't good enough. Ā Anytime I would speak to somebody I knew or just recently met I would get nervous. My mind would freeze up and I would begin to stutter. I could never processes or hear anything that would come out of my mouth because i would be too distracted trying to analyze what that other person was thinking. If they would yawn, interrupt me, go on their phone, or not make eye contact with me, I would get in my feelings and assume that, what i was saying, wasn't an interest to them. I would shut down and think to myself āI always get interrupted when i talk. What i say isnāt valid, Nobody ever wants to hear me when i speak. I guess people get annoyed seeing me talk because my teeth are crookedā. Just ridiculous stuff like that. I would shut down completely and wouldn't say a word after that. I wouldnāt even try to speak again if i got interrupted after so many times. I used to feel invisible and unseen.Anytime, I would go anywhere I would ask myself if people were looking at me and what were they thinking of me. āAm I walking stiff?, Do I look to skinny?ā I would tell myself i couldnāt apply for certain jobs because i wasnāt smart enough. I couldnāt be friends with this person or date this person because I wasn't smart enough. I felt trapped, my low self-esteem caused depression to dwell upon me. Getting advice was the worse. If anybody told me I was wrong or if they tried to correct me. I would begin to hate myself āI always mess up everythingā āIām always ruining thingsā āWhy must i be so stupidā Then I would feel awkward around that person. Believing that they no longer liked me because they had corrected me. I was a slave to my insecurities and i didn't even recognize that i was. It was difficult for other people to love me, I was constantly offended.Eventually, I found a job at a place called Footers Catering I worked there for a good 6 months. It was the best job EVER! We would travel all over colorado catering for different events. I saw places I didnāt even know existed. After the Holidays business was slow and My hours began to drop, and I decided it was time to get a second job. In the meantime the relationship between God and I was going really well. I felt closer to him than ever. I felt like I was in a place that I had always dreamed of being in. I became very independent, I loved having time by myself, which i used to hate. i didnāt like being surround by my own thoughts and emotions. But now, I could go to walmart alone without dragging somebody along with me. Things couldnāt have been better. Ā Anyway, My second job just so happened to be as a receptionist at floyd's barbershop. Come to find out, working as a receptionist was not what i expected it to be. This job turned out to be quite difficult. From having to make appointments, logging all the appointments into the computer, doing laundry, answering phones. Basically, I was performing a 3 person task. This job stressed me out!! Ā All I ever did was work. I was working so much that I couldnāt even go to church. Church was a big deal considering the fact that I was involved in 4 different ministries. I wasnāt getting spiritually feed. As soon as I got off the clock at one job, i would immediately have to go to another. I absolutly NO time for myself. I began to Lose sight of my goals and dreams. I developed hopelessness, and lost sight of God. It felt like all the progress i gained before the double jobs was all out the window. I became weak and lonely. At the time, I had a guy best friend who I would cling on to at night just so I wouldn't feel alone. I spent most of my nights there instead of going home. So, here I was, back in the same place again. Hating to be alone.Afterwhile, I stopped staying the night over at my friends house. I didn't want things to become awkward between us. So, I expressed to him that I didnāt want to loose him as a friend. I didn't want either of us to start catching feelings. Ā After staying the night in my own bed, I gradually began to heal. Until I met another guyā¦ā¦...Yeah i knowā¦.. This Particular guy worked at footers. One that I had never seen before. He was probably one of the most handsome guys that I've seen working for the company, and oddly enough he just so happened to be interested in me. We flirted here and there. It must have been obvious because everybody seemed to notice. Asking me if him and I were dating and yada yada yada. He was 28 and I was 22, And let me tell you. An older man being interested in a 22 year old woman does something to her. She begins to feel like she accomplished something, she feels beautiful, worthy, and confident. It was almost to good to be true. I felt like i have achieved something great. Ā He ended up messaging me on instagram, asking me for my number. We texted each other back and forth, trying to get to know each other. You know how it goes. He was always asking me to hang out. Which unfortunately didn't work because of the fact that I was working two jobs. After my constant āi can'tsā he chose to just come out and ask me to spend the night.That same day my electricity went out in my apartment, Ā I was almost thrilled. I thought to myself. āWell, there's no way i can get ready for work in the dark tomorrow, i'd HAVE to sleep somewhere else.ā YEAH I KNOWā¦ā¦ā¦ WHAT THE FLIP WAS I THINKING? Staying the night at some dudes house, I only knew at work. I barely knew ANYTHING about this guy. But, I was...Lonely.That night we both worked the same event and went straight over to his place after work. He let me sleep in his bed and he slept on the couch. The next morning he had to go to work earlier than I did. He told me I could stay until I had to go to work. It shocked me because this guy doesnāt know anything but about me, and he trusts me to stay in his apartment by myself? I also figured out that my job was literally 5 minutes away from where he lived. Which was very convenient for me. After the first night, I started to stay the night over there more frequently. It just started to become a consistent thing. We even started sleeping in his bed together. I was there more than I was at home. I was so broken, That it got to the point that if i didn't stay there. Then I would be sad and depressed.Before I continue, Let me clear up somethings real quick. Itās normal for the human brain to assume that me and this guy were most likely having sex. But i'm just going to shoot down that thought before it escalates in your noggin. Not once did this guy EVER, and i mean EVER ask me for sex. Thatās one reason why I stayed over there so many times. He never implied it nor did he action it. I stayed over there 4-5 days out of week and Nothing! I mean NOTHING happened. Sure we kissed and stuff, but we didnāt do anything sexual until about a month later, and it was because I started it. But even after opening the doors to intimacy, I still remained a virgin. You're probably thinking that i'm lying, which is fine. I would think that I am lying too. But by the grace of God i knew better. Of course i thought about it., but i knew better.I never was the type of person that was into clubs and partying and things. But because he wanted to do it. I would do it. We would go to the club together, We would smoke together, snort coke together, and drink together. All at the same time. The crazy part was we werenāt even boyfriend and girlfriend. We were what you would call āfriends with benefitsāNow, I know what you're thinking. āJanique, your telling me that even after getting, SUPER high and SUPER drunk. You still kept your virginity?ā YES! that is what I am telling you. Basically, we would put a movie on and just get messed up on drugs and alcohol. Then go straight to sleep. He would be out before I was. But like I said by the grace of God. I was able to stay persistent in my purity...For the most part. Here in there, Ā we Ā would get intimate but it wasnāt as often as you would think.I began to lose myself. My main focus was to get attention from this guy. No matter what I had to do to get it. His attention fueled me, but once he stopped giving it, the more I would try to get it back. I was a christian and he knew that. Constantly, he would ask me why i would hang out with him? because he was a ābad boyā Every Time Ā I would answer with ābecause I see potential in you.āThis way of living essentially became a lifestyle for me. I Started investing into my own drugs and Alcohol. Which I never did before. I would just use everybody else drugs, and let other people buy alcohol for me. I Began smoking alone at home. I invited my friends to smoke with me, I would go out to the club every friday and saturday. I looked at it as, āI am just being young and living my lifeāThe thing was I Ā knew the Lord. It wasnāt like i just got saved. It wasnāt like I had a bad experience at church and decided to walk away from God. I KNEW HIM. I was a born again, church clappin, speaking in tongues, prophetic christian.I Ā was at that altar every wednesday and sunday. Worshiping! But once, I started to live my life differently was when I wasnāt up there as often. I KNEW that God had a plan and a purpose for my life. I gradually reached a point to where, i just didn't care, I would tell God over and over again that I would come back to him when i get bored with the worldly life. Iām still confused as to why God didnāt crack open the concrete under me, allowing a lightning bolt to push me in, sending me straight to hell. Cause, I doubt God agreed with my idiotic decision ā¦Bouncing back, Remember that guy best friend I had? He was going through a pretty rough time. I tried time and time again. to get him to open up to me, but he wouldn't budge. Turns out his mom ended up passing away. Causing him to shut down and to isolate himself from people. So, I decided to buy a whole bunch of gifts and leave it on his doorstep. This was a hard time for me and everybody who knew his mom. She was like a mother to everybody.. she was the sweetest lady, with the biggest heart, always willing to help others, and to treat them like her own. Sadly she had a mental illness that got worse over timeā¦ Causing her to days to be shortened. The heaviness started to weigh me down. I was upset to know this beautiful woman was gone and that my best friend was going through terrible depression. All I wanted to do was to comfort him but I didnāt know how. A few days later I got a call from my cousin. His name Is Ernest.Ernest is like a brother to me, He has helped me in ways nobody else has. He taught me how to strengthen myself, how to stand up for myself, he taught her how to drown out negative people, how to empower my mindset so i could stay positive. He has just done so much for me, I could go on forever.So, like I said, I received a phone call from him during the day which was already odd, just for the fact that he is sleeping during the day. I normally will get phone calls from him later on at night, But, this time was different.I answered the phone proudly, excited to hear from my big brother. Once he began to speak i noticed that something wasnāt right. He said that he had some news and asking me if i was busy. I told him that I was in the walmart parking lot. He then told me it would be best if I called him after I got home but I insisted to receive the news now. He sighed and he began to proceed āYou know our cousin Kopdon right?ā Replying quickly āWell duhā i said. (Kopdon and I were very close as well.) Ernest replied āWell, he uh, ...passed away this morningāAt this point time stopped, the air stopped circulating, the earth stop rotating. It was as if God had taking the remote to life and hit pause. āWHAT HAPPENED?!ā I Shouted. āAunty brenda went to check up on him and found him not breathingā He saidInstantly, the pause button was switched to play. I didnāt know whether or not If I should cry or not, I didnāt know what to think āfirst my best friends mom now my cousin? what on earth is God doing?ā Tears were busting out of my eyes uncontrollably. It was as if my lacrimal ducts sprung a leak. I Ā tried to swallow but it felt as if my saliva Ā was evaporating before it reached my throat. I wondered if I should forget the milk and just go home and cry, I told my cousin āthanks for the news, but, i don't know what to do nowā He told me that he felt the same way and it would be best if I to just go on home.But I chose to go over to my Aunt Brenda's house instead. I spent every night at my aunt's house to keep her and Kopdons brothers company. Fast forwarding, I had fallen into a DEEP Depression. I spent most of my day's sobbing and getting high and being isolated. I started to hate my life, it seemed as if nothing was working out for me. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep I was high. I went to work high, church high, out to dinner with my dad high, photography meetings high. I stayed high everyday for about 3 months straight. I didn't know how to live life without being high. I didnāt want to feel, I didnāt want to pray, I didnāt want to do anything. At the time I was no longer communicating with the guy from footers anymore. Nor, was I working at floyd's.Eventually, I became mad at God, I was always grunting and complaining to God āyou donāt love me, Why wonāt you take my pain away? i thought you cared about me??ā and blah blah blah. I grew bitter and hateful, throughout this time, not a single person was there for me. I spend days alone, not even my best friend was there.At the time She lived with me. So she knew what i was dealing with. Not even the people that knew my situation would check up on me, not even my own mother. My dad would speak life into me every now and then but I would just stay home and get as high as I Ā could. Nobody knew this part of me. People knew I smoked, but not like this... I told myself until God does something or until I run out of weed. Then I will stop smoking and get my life right. But for now, i'm just going to keep on keepin on.I remember this one night that I had gotten really high. The crazy part was I had only taken two hits. A couple minutes later I began to hallucinate, I could hear angels and demons talking to me. Yeah I know, what kind of weed was I smoking? I developed this overwhelming fear. Anytime I would smoke weed alone. I always had some type of spiritual experience. I went on google and did some research. I typed in google asking how marijuana is supposed to make you feel. There was absolutely nothing that described on how I was feeling. Which made me confused as to why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. So, I reached out to one of my young adult Ā pastors. He was a drug addict for years before God delivered him. so, I thought surely he would know what's going on. And do you know what he told me? Hi Janique, Personally, i think its a fools errand to think you can smoke weed and stay holy. The bible does not tell us Ā "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit." (Ephesians 5:18) for no reason. The same goes for any substance... in moderation it's no big deal but when it's done to intoxication then there is a problem. The problem with weed is, there is no moderation. once you smoke, you're high. and even though it's now legal doesn't make it right. Paul said that: Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. (1 Corinthians 6:12).After hearing this, i had no choice, but to agree with him. so, I began to asking him questions. Like āIf God doesnāt want us to smoke weed then why was it created?ā and then I shared with him what it was I was experiencing when I was high alone. He told me he believes that marijuana was created strictly for medical reasons. And what I was experiencing wasnāt normal nor was it Godly soā¦.. I should just probably stop smoking. 2 days went by without me smoking. I just so happened to have horrible day at work and i just wanted to relax. I was reminded by a random thought (satan) that i had an edible in my freezer, that me and my friend were going to eat together. But since i was impatient i came up with the idea to just eat it now instead of waiting for my friend. After eating it. It took about 3 hours until it started to kick in. AND let me tell you, once it kicked in, IT...KICKED..IN.. I gradually started to feel a little bit paranoid, then I started to feeling anxious, and then I started to panic. It was as if i was having a paranoia attack, a panic attack, and an anxiety attack all at once.My heart was racing, I was forgetting everything within seconds. I swore I was going crazy, I began to repent to God asking him for forgiveness and that if he to take away this feeling that I would serve him forever and get rid of my wicked ways. I went into my purse and throughout all the extra weed that I had left over. It felt as if every 10 minutes I would get higher and higher. I realized then that this high wasn't going to go away. I thought maybe if i go to sleep then i could just sleep it off.So I laid down thinking it was a great idea just to find out that it was a terrible idea. My body became heavy, I felt like 7 demons were sitting on top of me laughing. I felt the room getting hot as if I was lowering down into hell. I was convinced that i was going to die. I began to cry out to God āJESUS I AM SORRY!! FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS!! I DON'T WANT TO GO HELL!! DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME PLEASE!!! I WILL NEVER SMOKE AGAIN! REMOVE THIS FEELING PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!ā I knew(thought) i was going to die. I honestly felt that if i stayed home I would end up dying. I started to gather ideas of suicide āmaybe if i jump out the window or balcony I wonāt have to feel this feeling anymore, or maybe if i stab myself?ā I got fearful and helpless, the only thing I thought that could save me was to call 911.STAY TUNED FOR PART 2
