Greetings, loved ones

dan, they/them, big dumb nature queer

[kristina100000]

[paper--machete]

??? Sad mommy?

[monzterzack]

[voiceboss]

Visit Original Link

[Yes, I had to do it. Yes, all the voices are me. Lyrics under the cut.]

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[lizluvscupcakes]

I wish I could fear, because I know I’m supposed to fear this, but I’m kinda into it.

[lizluvscupcakes]

Wow ok lyrics are no longer below the cut so I’m just gonna-

Kermit: it’s the muppets show!

Female Chorus:

It’s time to burn the incense,

It’s time to slay the sheep,

It’s time to wake the muppets from a thousand years of sleep!

Male Chorus:

It’s time to raze existence,

It’s time to banish light,

It’s time to call the void in on the muppets show tonight!

Statlor: So tell us, where’s your god now?

Waldorf: I guess you’ll never know

Statlor: your life becomes a torture

Both: when we begin the show!

Chorus: And now let’s get things started!

Audience: Why don’t you get things started?

Kermit: It’s time to get things started,

All:

On the aberrational, no-salvational, incantational, muppetational,

This will be your final muppets show!

[gglilyallin-deactivated20250618]

RAISING A GLASS TO THE GAYS AND THE BIS AND THE TRANS AND THE GIRLS AND THE BIG BALD MEN!!

[bleachersgirl]

10 year old college humor sketch that i watched at 1am last night and have since watched five more times

[modogoblin]

[elfgrunge]

Going insane reading this wikipedia quote about the real life Cocaine Bear, which is taxidermied and kept in a mall in Kentucky (though it may actually be a different, unrelated, taxidermied bear)

According to the bear's owners, the Cocaine Bear has the authority to officiate legally binding weddings in the mall where it is kept due to Kentucky's marriage laws. This claim is only partly true; the bear does not have the authority to solemnize weddings, but the state of Kentucky cannot invalidate marriages performed by unqualified persons if the parties believe that the person marrying them has the authority to do so. As such, it is a belief in the Cocaine Bear's authority that allows it to officiate legally binding weddings in Kentucky.

You have to BELIEVE in the power of your Cocaine Bear Marriage for it to take effect. Fucking magical.

[tiktoks-for-dead-pope]

[space-arcanist]

I can't get over "and comes fucks me".

[the-doctored-pepper-deactivated]

This video ruined all those aesthetic photos of fog for me. I can’t see a foggy landscape without this video playing in my head.

[commandtower-solring-go]

It's Comes Fucks Me Wednesday babes

[rabm]

a butch baby would have one of these on their belt loop

[memewhore]

[txttletale]

every band name can be ranked on the 'is this a thing i would want in my house' scale between the police and the violent femmes

[txttletale]

some bands require nuance however. while it would be wonderful to have a lizard wizard in my house my doors are never open to royalty so i do not want to see king gizzard. similarly i would love to have a few gecs in my home maybe a dozen. but 100 is just too many

[txttletale]

they might be giants? well. i have to say 'no' just in case they are. bc there wouldn't be enough room. maybe this wouldn't have been a problem if they were more clear about their giant status :|

[ina-gartens-weave]

video ive been thinking about for days

[crazy-brazilian]

[slavery]

How does anyone hate kids they are so funny I sold tickets to incredibles to this little girl and her mom and she’s like mom are we sitting next to each other and the moms like ya and the kid screamed YES so loud it broke my ears

[pkslider]

The other day I was bringing an older gentleman up the hill in a golf cart and we drove past this huge YMCA group of kids like 100 kids and driving past the first chunk like 10 of them yelled out “let me on” in unison and then since I’m driving so slowly to be safe, halfway in some kid leaned up and said “do you play fortnite” and I told him I played a little and he just pointed and shouted “THIS GUY PLAYS FORTNITE” and then like 20 kids started talking to me all at once about fortnite

[low-budget-mulan]

A kid asked me if I lived in the ambulance. I said yes.

[patron-saint-of-smart-asses-dea]

The hero we deserve

[treerot]

When I was on register at Kohl’s a little girl came through with her grandma and she was so very excited to tell me the meaning of her name (I think it was like warrior of god) and she begged her grandma for her phone so she could google to find out what my name means too

[newterjuice]

i wear two spinner rings on one finger and one time at my last job a young girl (probably 6-8) said “your ring is very pretty” and when i showed her it was two rings she GASPED and said “does that mean you’re marrying two people?!”

[siren-singing]

I have this necklace with a mermaid on it that I wear to work a lot and I got asked by a kid if it gave me magic powers. I leaned in real close and told her in a low voice it gave me magical girl powers but it was a secret. She got this real serious look on her face and said to her mom “that lady has superpowers, don’t tell anyone or the government will take her away”.

[business-pug]

The other day i had to give a speech at my school despite my horrific fear of public speaking and afterwards i had kid come up to me and say well done to me. It was so cute.

[mcr-minivan-deactivated20200108]

god I love tiny kids

[uberfluss]

there was a kid in one of our science camps and he spent the whole week in a lab coat and goggles screaming “CHEMICALS” at the top of his lungs. he wouldn’t even tell us his name for the first two days just screamed CHEMICALS instead.

[moth-doe]

I was watching these kids at church today and one of them screamed and threw a toy car into the wall and it broke and the other one looked over calmly and said “does your insurance cover that?”

[armandyke]

I was taking the drink order for a family at work and I asked their kid what he wanted to drink and he just looked at me with a completely deadpan expression and said “vodka” and me and the parents just fucking lost it

[bemusedlybespectacled]

kid I used to babysit asked why my lips were different (she was two), and when I told her that it was because I was wearing lipstick, she yelled, “MAYA, I WANT LIPITZ.”

[itsmydrink]

I work in a school and every time I draw anything on the board (I am a terrible artist and usually resort to stick men), the kids will all go ‘I love your picture, that’s a great drawing Miss’. So blindly supportive.

[the-stray-liger]

One time my younger brother ordered a “non-alcoholic fanta” at a hotel bar and the bartender lost his shit and I was never the same man

[swankivy]

When I was student teaching, I was taking my fourth graders back from lunch and noticed one little girl looking longingly at the playground, where the younger kids were having recess. She heaved a big sigh and said, “I used to be that free.”

[ibibibi]

oh my god little kids in the library are the BEST one time i was looking for a book and a little girl tried to help me cause we always help HER find the books she wants. sometimes when i’m helping them check out they’ll tell me about the books they’re getting. i know so much about dog man.

[ibibibi]

oh man! another hilarious thing kids in the library do! they will straight up TELL ON THEIR PARENTS!

mom: the book was like that when we checked it out

child, innocently confused: i thought (little brother) did that though?

dad: yes that’s our correct address and phone number

child, barely paying attention: we MOOOOVED!! :D

parent: we never checked that book out

child, trying to be helpful: yes we did, that’s the one we lost at grandma’s house, remember?

me, fighting laughter and trying to decide whether or not the enter the child’s testimony as official evidence or not

[beingatoaster]

I know I’ve told this story on Tumblr before, but one of my favorite retail experiences was when I was stocking shelves once and dropped a couple of small plastic toys, and a little girl ZOOMED up, grabbed them, held them up to me, and when I thanked her, said “I’m closer to the floor, so it’s TEAMWORK! :D” and zoomed off back to her mom

[solarishashernoseinabook]

I was telling a kindergarten class (4/5 year olds) that we’re hosting a book fair next week and they would need to ask their parents for money. One girl very excitedly told me she has “one money” in her piggy bank. Her classmate, vibrating with excitement, said, “I have TOO MUCH money! I have ten dollars!”

[marzipanandminutiae]

a little boy, maybe around 7, looked at our piano at the museum and asked me very politely, “why doesn’t it have all 88 keys?”

I googled it for him after the tour, because even I didn’t know how many keys a piano was meant to have, or why this one had fewer (earlier pianos were just Like That, seems to be the answer)

we love baby nerds in this house

[koshercosplay]

a marathon route ran past my apartment this morning and from my window I heard a small child yell at the top of her lungs, utterly bewildered, “WHERE ARE THEY ALL GOING???”

[jvgsjeff]

[yahenni]

[doctor-wormm]

please reblog this i spent way too long on what was supposed to be a quick edit

[everythingfox]

Me on the ice rink for the first time

[theriu]

The fact that the others are having NO trouble makes this way funnier

[liveleaker-deactivated20250423]

Yall are like “I’m baby I’m baby” because you can’t control your sensitivity and emotions due to bad habits you developed during your teens on bpd tumblr and then see an actual baby crying in the theater while you’re watching frozen 2 because you kin elsa to cope and suddenly yall don’t like babies anymore? ok googoo gaga

[cherieu]

Omg

[calamity-cain]

Of course we can’t handle distressed babies because we ARE the distressed babies and we need adults

[liveleaker-deactivated20250423]

You’re not a distressed baby you’re an adult who writes incest fanfiction

[reallycoolsoup]

Tumblr really has the best PvP of any social media

[rannulfr]

Boss's wife upon hearing I'm a medieval scholar: Isn't it crazy all the things medieval people thought would stop the plague?

Me: *Fighting all my devils & angels not to bring up that she drank horse antiparasitic last year.*

[rosslynpaladin]

You’re a better person than I