“I think there’s been a mistake. Maybe you’re new here. Can you tell the receptionist that you have Heather Martinson in examination? Or you could just ask Mil’kan’it if she’s here.”
The insectoid alien stared at me for a long moment. It was funny how a look of stunned confusion was so often similar across species. All it included was a strange lack of movement and their eyes, whatever form they took, examining what was in front of them as if it might change into something more sensible. “I… What?” Their chittering translated back to me, as my English had to them.
“The straps aren’t necessary,” I told him, giving him finger waves from both immobilized hands. “Everything goes a lot faster if it’s easy to move the patient, right? And muscle relaxants and anesthesia mess with results. Plus, Mil’kan’it said some of the stuff they use on humans gets put on backorder so often.”
The alien glanced at the data on their tablet and then looked back to me. “If you’ll…excuse me.” With a final glance, they left the room through the automatic doors.
Leaning back into the headrest with a sigh, I stared at the smooth metal ceiling of the examination room in the alien spacecraft, feeling as if I were at the dentist. The biggest difference being that the lights in here weren’t shining directly into my eyes. One of the scientists had laughed when I told him about that issue. I guess when you’ve got a certain level of tech, needing sunglasses to have work done on your teeth would seem hilarious.
They had actually done a couple scans on me over time that took a while, leaving me laying down with nothing to do, but unlike the dentist, the folks here were delightfully generous in entertainment. I’d been able to see two movies so far that had hadn’t even been released on streaming services yet, projected on the ceiling above me. When I explained it was no problem for me to lay there for two hours if I had something to watch, they’d immediately asked me for my to-watch list. Apparently, there was even one special request from their psychology department for a brain scan to be done specifically while I was watching a movie, and the more complex and emotional it was, the better.
The doors smoothly opened, and I heard a familiar voice say, “Heather! How are you?”
“Ixira,” I said in surprise. “I thought you were heading back home?”
The scientist’s antennae flicked in what I recognized as irritation as she came over and used her graspers to unlatch the straps on my wrists, ankles, and forehead. “I did. Then I came back, because apparently this place falls apart without me. It’s a whole mess, forget it.” I sat up, stretching. “I’ll be off on my vacation for real soon enough.”
“All right then. Introduce me?” I asked, motioning to the alien beside her.
“Right. This is Unkiwar. He’s been with us for…about seventeen…Earth days? I think that’s accurate.” She motioned to me. “Unkiwar, this is Heather. She’s a regular here. We pick her up once every {six weeks} or so, ever since that first abduction when we worked out she’s fine with it.”
“Fine?” he echoed. “That’s not the typical…reaction.”
I chuckled. “This is free healthcare, my alien friend,” I said. “Free hyper advanced alien healthcare. You know what that means to an American Earthling?”
Ixira gestured her agreement. “Where she lives on her planet, the health issues she struggles with cost an extraordinary amount of currency. So, she’s happy to donate time to our research when she also benefits. It was an easy deal to make. Being able to pick up the same subject for repeat examinations, with full cooperation? It’s been fantastic. Two other humans have the same deal and we’re working to increase that number. Heather advised us to go to certain territories on the planet, where healthcare is sparse.”
“Yeah, and as soon as you explain the whole colonoscopy thing, you get a much less pervy reputation.”
“Pervy?” Unkiwar exclaimed. “It’s an examination of where your waste exits your body!”
I grimaced and glanced to Ixira. “Just tell him later.”
“Yeah,” she said dismissively.
“Teeth health is a big deal too,” I said, clacking my jaws together twice. “I lost the genetic lottery, and even brushing and flossing like it’s a religion only does so much.”
Unkiwar turned to Ixira. “I don’t understand. Why are the bones in her mouth difficult to maintain?”
“They’re not bones,” she explained. “Human skeletons are protein collagen and calcium phosphate. Teeth are dentin, enamel, and cementum.”
The male alien shifted in a way that indicated an irritated dismissal. “So?”
“So,” I sighed, “they need maintenance because they can’t heal themselves. If they get infected under the tooth, it can be agony. And if they get damaged it costs somewhere between my cell phone bill and a new car.”
“I…don’t know what that means,” Unkiwar said slowly, “but it doesn’t sound pleasant.”
Ixira looked down at her tablet to poke and swipe at it. “It’s all in this seminar lecture I watched a while ago,” she said absently. “There. You should watch that one and…this one. Human biology is fascinating, despite the nonsense their evolution has put them through.”
“Anyway,” I said, drumming a beat briefly on my thighs, startling Unkiwar, “what’s on the agenda today?”
“Let’s see… Standard examination,” Ixira said with a nod, reading something on her tablet. “We’ll also need four blood samples, because not only have the labs not gotten their act together about sharing yet, but we have a fourth lab that just qualified to assist in research.”
Grinning, I chuckled. “Ah, I’m just too popular.”
“Indeed. Today is Muscle Day, so we’ll be taking those samples as well,” she said slowly, “and it’s time for another full body scan.”
I sat up straight. “Do I get a movie?”
Ixira’s body language shifted to haughty delight. “I got you the new Mean Girls movie.”
My jaw dropped. “That’s not even in theaters yet!”
“Apparently stealing a film is not as difficult as stealing a human,” the scientist chuckled. “Go figure.”
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