Have been out if work for nearly three months due to DV and had my first shift back starting yesterday.
Did I ease myself in?
Did I fuck.
31 hour shift completed
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@jaaaybear
Have been out if work for nearly three months due to DV and had my first shift back starting yesterday.
Did I ease myself in?
Did I fuck.
31 hour shift completed
After having to be out of work for about three months to avoid my ex finding me I'm so nervous about my first shift back. What the hell do you even pack for a 25 hour shift again?
After one of the messiest periods in my life, having to sleep on friends sofas for nearly three monthsto stay safely hidden in the middle of the pandemic whilst being a high vulnerability person, talking to the police, special support services, and taking my ex to court to finally get a protective order against them I have safely returned home. Now I can focus on uni and work again. Time for a fresh start.
Some of you know I've struggled with mental illness for most of my life. At age 8 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At age 10, PTSD and anoexia nervosa. I've lost count of how many times I've felt hopeless. Amongst other conditions, in 2017 I was finally diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder (emotionally unstable personality disorder) and dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder) and things started to make sense. There have been so many set backs including three admissions into psychiatric hospitals, the first of which was when I was 15 and spent 6 and half months in a hospital. I had to resit a year of school for this. During that time I promised I would return to a psychiatric hospital as staff and prove that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of and not something that defines your future or potential. Today I was offered a position as a health care assistant in a psychiatric hospital and can finally say that I've done what I've always wanted. I can now help others who have felt as lost and hopeless and I have. For the first time ever I can say I'm truly proud of myself and that I am not defined by my diagnoses.
I promise you it gets better
#mentalhealthawareness
Hello,
Make sure you’re giving yourself time to fully heal. Sometimes we rush our progress to match with others. There is no need to do that, because healing is not linear nor is it the same for everyone. Be gentle and treat yourself with kindness. 🦋
weird asks that say a lot
in
1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?
2. chocolate bars or lollipops?
3. bubblegum or cotton candy?
4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?
5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?
6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?
7. earbuds or headphones?
8. movies or tv shows?
9. favorite smell in the summer?
10. game you were best at in p.e.?
11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?
12. name of your favorite playlist?
13. lanyard or key ring?
14. favorite non-chocolate candy?
15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?
16. most comfortable position to sit in?
17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?
18. ideal weather?
19. sleeping position?
20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?
21. obsession from childhood?
22. role model?
23. strange habits?
24. favorite crystal?
25. first song you remember hearing?
26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?
27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?
28. five songs to describe you?
29. best way to bond with you?
30. places that you find sacred?
31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?
32. top five favorite vines?
33. most used phrase in your phone?
34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?
35. average time you fall asleep?
36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?
37. suitcase or duffel bag?
38. lemonade or tea?
39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?
40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?
41. last person you texted?
42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?
43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?
44. favorite scent for soap?
45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?
46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?
47. favorite type of cheese?
48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
49. what saying or quote do you live by?
50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?
51. current stresses?
52. favorite font?
53. what is the current state of your hands?
54. what did you learn from your first job?
55. favorite fairy tale?
56. favorite tradition?
57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?
58. four talents you’re proud of having?
59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?
60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?
61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?
62. seven characters you relate to?
63. five songs that would play in your club?
64. favorite website from your childhood?
65. any permanent scars?
66. favorite flower(s)?
67. good luck charms?
68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?
69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?
70. left or right handed?
71. least favorite pattern?
72. worst subject?
73. favorite weird flavor combo?
74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?
75. when did you lose your first tooth?
76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?
77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?
78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?
79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?
80. earth tones or jewel tones?
81. fireflies or lightning bugs?
82. pc or console?
83. writing or drawing?
84. podcasts or talk radio?
84. barbie or polly pocket?
85. fairy tales or mythology?
86. cookies or cupcakes?
87. your greatest fear?
88. your greatest wish?
89. who would you put before everyone else?
90. luckiest mistake?
91. boxes or bags?
92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?
93. nicknames?
94. favorite season?
95. favorite app on your phone?
96. desktop background?
97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?
98. favorite historical era?
Little White Lies
In the moments between waking and sleeping I convinced myself this was worthwhile
The rise and fall of your slow breaths and your softly flushed cheeks
bear the innocence of a child
And as I looked down at your perfect frame
I wonder how anyone could love someone as broken as me.
You remind me that you're special
That it takes a lot patience to love this mess I am
And I find myself feeling grateful.
Grateful for the time you've dedicated to this wreckage
And the hours you spent watching as I cry.
But this beauty of your character is only born out of my blurred, dozing vision.
If I look closer, the blues and purples that paint your knuckles mark a stormy sky of your fists
The thunderous blow from the hole you put in the door
still echoes in my ears
Breath shaking as I remind myself you love me
After all, you purposely missed my face.
If you didn't love me you'd have hit me by now
So that's how I know you mean it
It just takes a little practice in ignoring the cuts over my body
Your sword displayed on the shelf as a continuous reminder of its power
It's an object of beauty, its detailed folds making it a sight to behold.
Just like me
I know this because you said I was your masterpiece
And the scars serve as a signature, leading me back to you
Hey who has been messaging me on anon I'm happy to speak to you
Falling
The soft touch of a hand on my cheek feels more like a knife to me. And the way a mother whispers good night into the hair of her child as they settle to sleep
seems more of a goodbye.
An I-will-see-you-nevermore.
Goodnight cuddles and a loving touch
were both little things I longed for growing up but never really got.
Now the word hurting is synonymous with love.
You see, trusting someone hasn't come naturally for me
Every kiss was made of barbed wire
Lips crowned in thorns, teeth as sharp as daggers. Not knowing who to turn to or what to expect.
I embraced that oh so messy kind of love.
The type that leaves me bleeding but begging for more because this kiss will sooth the
sting of your words and if I'm
lucky enough you'll take me to bed.
That is, if my presence doesn't depress you too much.
I love whole heartedly, recklessly and with full speed. Full emotion. I never plan on having to love anyone else.
What would be the point in falling reservedly, saving half of myself for in case this doesn't quite work?
There are no such thing as speed limits when I fall, only speed bumps every so often when I suddenly wonder if I'm too much.
I should back off.
Yeah
it would be better for you if I wasn't here. I'm too clingy or needy,
my lips
bleed too much from the kissing and the only remenants of me in your room is
my blood on your floor.
This time not put there by us kissing. Not your thorn covered lips or weapon-like teeth.
This time the floor threw itself up at me whilst I was already face down and
my arms pinned behind my back, shoulder pulled in so tight I thought it would snap.
I was never meant to be part of that world, of your life.
With numbed right arm I would grab the chemicals and scrub my existence out of your floor
Tomorrow you could say you knew not of me,
Throw the promise rings away if you wanted since
It wasn't always you I saw them on.
I fall deeply and without questioning, at least initially.
It took three and a half years to question you
To question myself it took only minutes.
You see, I was taught love should hurt.
"No pain, no gain" and "love is worth fighting for"
But no one said what these fights would be. I didn't realise that battles against sanity and sleeping pills were somewhat out of the ordinary. You kept me there, half crazy, justifying how every thing I witness was not part of this reality but a little concoction that I made up in my mind
One along with the voices and bad guys
It took me three and a half years to realise the bad guys were on the outside too.
I had pills and vocal techniques to try and drown out the things I see but nothing to take care of you.
I have to admit it is both touching and frightening being a key worker at the moment.
Whilst everyone who is able to remains home to stay safe I go to work and ensure our lovely residents get treated with teh dignity, care, and respect they deserve. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for their families being unable to visit them during this time.
Stay safe please. Stay in doors. I don't need my health more at risk. I only leave the house to go to work and the thought that someone not respecting social distancing could pass something to me which I could take into the care home goes through my mind daily.
Please stay home
Whilst I am glad people are now taking into consideration the vulnerability of elderly people, can we please bear in mind that there are young people who may look very healthy but still be in high-risk categories due to invisible disabilities. Social distancing is designed to protect us as well. So please do not stand next to me and cough. It may not be COVID-19 but it still has the potential to make me very ill. Whilst to you it may be "just a seasonal cold/flu/cough" I have yet to recover from the cold I developed back in November. If we develop illnesses that most people can fight off easily not only may we get so poorly we take up a bed in the hospital that could be used to treat someone with corona we become at even greater risk of developing it and serious complications ourselves.
So please, if someone says that they are high risk and need to go first to get their prescription or food, or that they need people to respect the social distancing rules and not stand by them, believe them. Just because we look healthy doesn't mean we aren't just as vulnerable as that 70 year old man you gave space to earlier.
Absolutely love your blog! I hope you have a fantastic day and know that you deserve nothing but happiness 🎉
Awwh thank you so much that's made my day (was on a slight downer with the isolation going on)
I've just realised I have no way of knowing if these are meant for me or my study blog (whoops!)
But thank you so much I hope you have a fantastic day too ^•^
Why are you so daper?
Honestly I have always switched back and forth between goth and dapper/nerdish looks. When I came out as trans I had to get rid of my wardrobe (tonnes of gothic clothing) and most male goth clothes just aren't as cool. I love my shirts, jumpers, braces and bow ties - I guess it fits with the academic in me
But thank you so much that's actually such a big compliment ^•^
ask me anything
Since I am in self isolation and many of you have supported and followed my stop-start journey to improving my uni experience. Please feel free to ask me anything at all, no matter how personal or random! Or share a story of yourself! I could sure go for some human connection and entertainment at the moment <3
Ask me things or send me messages. Anons very welcome
I got my hair cut today and honestly feel so much better for it. I hate my hair when it's longer but I often lack the motivation to get it cut.
But on top of this say hi to this cutie patootie 16 week old doggy I got to cuddle as I waited in the barbers. Really helped my anxiety as I often worry people will call me out for being trans in the shop though the staff have always been amazing with me.
[He/They]
My hair matched my jumper!!
Excuse how crappy I look today ~ I've been stuck in the house all weekend because my binder is in the wash
Side note: i recorded my voice today and I actually didn't hate it. My voice has suddenly gotten so much deeper over the past couple weeks and I'm so happy and excited. It's nice to note get crippling dysphoria and cry whenever I hear my voice. It's still there a bit but so much less now
Five months on T my Bois.
Every time I convince myself I'm over it the nightmares of what you did start again