The common trigger warning tags I use: suicide/tw:sui,suicidal thoughts,suicidal ideation (both tagged tw:sui talk) tw self-harm (tw:sh),self-harm talk (tw:sh talk) and possibly pics (tw:sh picture)
I'm melda, any pronouns, and this is my side blog for either things that are related to jirai stuff or things that I relate to but are too depressing to be put on main. I'm a lifestyle jirai,I am heavily flip-flopping between getting better and getting worse at the moment and I'm always switching between wanting to die and wanting to live. This will partially serve as a vent blog as well! Life is a joke to me!
Disclaimer: I am not encouraging others to do what I am doing. I acknowledge that this is a bad thing I am choosing to do for myself and I am sharing my experience with it. Please do not attempt to do the same or at the very least, if you do, do it in a safe and controlled environment
Day 3 of carving hearts and stars on my thighs, more under the cut (◠‿・)—☆
It was raining today when I came back from work and I had no umbrella, so I took my shower right when I got back home. That made today's session a bit quicker than I would have liked cause I didn't want to take too long and be found out. I did both sides today tho!! I tried doing a heart on the right and a star on the left. I think I got the hang of that good enough now, and tomorrow, even tho I have to go to bed pretty early, I think if I give myself like, five minutes before showering to do it, I could carve at least one full shape. I like feeling the pain in my thighs like that tho. It feels nice to have a pain that's not affecting my energy. It's like a controlled area of pain. Plus, I have to eat a regular amount if I sh. That's the deal, I'm replacing one pain by another baby!! If I can get a full form carved tomorrow, I might share some pics on Friday morning!
Disclaimer: I am not encouraging others to do what I am doing. I acknowledge that this is a bad thing I am choosing to do for myself and I am sharing my experience with it. Please do not attempt to do the same or at the very least, if you do, do it in a safe and controlled environment
At this point, I kinda wanna turn these into some kind of diary in a way? A self-harm diary sounds kinda silly tho. Just some sharing my thoughts out there into the void of this blog really. More about today's addition under the cut (◠‿・)—☆
So, the first marks are doing well it seems. Since I'm doing this on my thighs, I don't have much of an opportunity to see it, but I think it'll be gone in like, two weeks. I'm still figuring this out for now, so I'm not doing any deep cuts or anything. It actually kinda looks like a bite mark the morning after with all the tiny red spots.
Today I decided to do a star on my right side! This time I knew what I was doing more so I started with the initial form, and then went over the points until I saw blood. Some spots took longer than others. I washed it well with soap right after, of course.
So, some of you might be wondering why I'm doing this. And why am I treating it with such casualty as well? The main reason is actually to replace one form of harm to myself with another. I'm kinda tired of being hungry and low-energy so often, especially since there's not even any real visible changes. So I decided to go with a more direct method that will hurt more heavily once, take a bit to disappear and won't affect my energy or anything. Plus, it's something I can implement in my routine. Cut, take a shower, go to bed. Easy. And maybe by carving my skin, I can make it feel like mine. I don't know how long I will do this for. I have a therapy appointment Friday to maybe see alternatives, but I don't know if I'll find anything good that feels so real. Like yes, I did this, I have the proof of it right here, this is real, I am real... Idk I think I'm just tired
