Survival in a Modern Day Hell

I am a college student that has been through enough to make me feel a lot older than I am.

[juggalo1212]

May 27/28/29

The past few days have been a fair bit more active than those before it. I've spent every day going and visiting Ting, usually spending more time arguing with each other than actually lifting weights. Today he challenged me to a mile race on the tradmills. At 0.95 miles, his calves seized, and I was able to beat him, but then I spent the next ten minutes making sure he was okay and didn't want me to take him to the hospital. 

Yesterday I went to the community college and received my student's ID card from the college, so now I'm officially a student at two colleges, even though I'll only be taking two courses here. The classes start on Monday, which is closing in on me faster and faster. I'm still not sure whether I should be excited to hesitant.

We picked up my niece today. She began crying at one point because her loose tooth "hurt so much." I don't remember loose teeth hurting to the extent she was claiming, and neither had my mother, but we went out to get her some pain relief and then took her to dinner (her's consisted of mashed potatoes and applesauce). 

I went to visit Delaney today. The first thing she did when I saw her was smack me (five times) for being home for two weeks without texting her to let her know I was home. She was a little bit intoxicated with her friends, but it wasn't bad. We all sat around the fire and talked a little bit. Of the people at her house, I only knew her and her boyfriend, but I spoke with pretty much everyone there. I left at around 10:30, when everyone was moving on to do something else during the night. I wasn't in the mood to go party-hunting, so I decided to come home.

Tomorrow is the first day in awhile that I can sleep in as late as I want. I'm taking full advantage of that, trust me. 

[juggalo1212]

May 25/26

Yesterday was an extremely slow day. I played video games with my niece and helped my mother around the house, and didn't even end up leaving for the entire day. Normally I'd be upset with myself for not doing anything, but I still feel like I'm on my break, and it doesn't bother me as much.

Still, I'm starting to feel the quiet and the silence, and it's starting to get to me. I do wish I had some people here to meet up with the break the monotony. The problem, of course, is that no one wants to see me. It's pretty surprising how quickly people can turn against you. Then again, if they turn so quickly, they weren't real friends to begin with, eh?

I woke up early today, trying to pull myself back into a more normal sleep routine. I played more video games for the day, and helped my mother prepare Memorial Day dinner for my parents, sister, and I. I also went on another run, and I'm continuing to improve my athleticism steadily. A lot of people are commenting on my transformation from the chunky nerd to the tall and fit adult I am today. I'm still a nerd though, that doesn't change.

I'm going to reach out to a couple of people in the next coming days, and I'm going to try and get out there and do something while I'm home. Classes start up again in a week, and I am not very excited. But, I might find some people to talk to as well, so it's up in the air.

[juggalo1212]

May 23/24

Yesterday I got to pick up my niece for the first time in awhile. She's missing her two front teeth, so her look is a bit more goofy than it usually is, but she was extremely excited to see me and made it clear to everyone around her. She ran around making noises and being weird, which is pretty normal for her.

I took her back to the house, and then we didn't do too much exciting because the weather outside was pretty gloomy and rainy, so we stayed inside and played a couple of video games together. Later in the evening, I had her watch The Incredibles, because I always liked that movie, and I heard the sequel would be coming out sometime. She loved the movie, and ran around pretending she had super powers for a little awhile.

Today, she woke me up. I helped her with a part of her game she was stuck on, then my mother began teaching me a course in math that I had never needed to learn, but that was important to know for the tutoring. The math was all really simple, and I got through the lesson without much difficulty. Then I went for a run while my niece and mother walked around.

After my run, we went out to dinner at the restaurant my sister is a waitress at. She was happy to see us and was her usual self, especially when interacting with my niece. The two of them are just troublemakers, and they enjoy tormenting everyone else. After dinner, we came home.

I played Minecraft with my niece, and then fought Ginger in Soul Calibur V and Devon in Naruto.

Right now, my life is pretty slow. I've hardly seen anyone since I came home, but I don't really want to if they're not going to express interest in seeing me, or at least even bother to message me. I've got Holly and my family, plus a couple of other people. And, hopefully, once the summer courses start, I'll find another person or two to strike up a conversation with. 

[juggalo1212]

May 22

As usual, I still hate waking up early in the morning. Unfortunately, I was "requested" to go train with my trainer bright and early in the morning. So I pulled my sorry ass out of bed and went to visit my trainer, Ting.

Ting is my "short, buff Asian with a high voice." I've been working with him since my junior year in high school, when my mother and father began expressing concern for my weight and health, and my tennis coach recommended Ting. Since then, I've gotten much skinnier, in much better shape, and I've developed a kind of friendship with him. Although the two of us spend most of our time arguing stupid things and coming up with insults for the other.

Today wasn't so different. We lifted weights for a little while and then he invited me out to lunch and then to see a movie at his house. His wife was excited to see me too. They're a new couple, but they seem to be squeaking by together, which is good. They both need each other.

After the movie, I headed back home and up to my favorite trail to walk with Holly. Although we didn't get far on the trail (because she didn't want to get muddy), it was nice to talk with her for a little while and catch up the past few weeks where we hadn't talked much. We didn't get to spend much time together because she had to attend a CPR recertification class. 

After she left, I was unexpectedly tired, so I spent the rest of the day playing video games, eating dinner, talking to my mother, and soon sleep. Tomorrow I get to go running once again, but I'm in no rush. I also get to see my little niece and get my car checked. It's gonna be busy.

[juggalo1212]

Update + May 21

So the end of my freshman year of college went, for the most part, pretty uneventfully. I spent a lot of my time working on my video game final project, which ended up taking almost 100 hours of coding work. The end product was a pretty well put-together game, but still obviously not a finished product. Either way, it was packaged well and I received a 98 on it, which is close enough to perfect for me.

I took the rest of my final exams the following week, which kept me on my toes and stressed out often enough. In the end, my grades broke down like so:

Physics II: Pass (Pass/Fail) Game Mechanics: A History and Culture of Games: A Multivariable Calculus: A Data Structures: B+

In the end, my GPA for the entire year was a 3.87, which I am damn proud of.

When my tests were over, it was time to begin to prepare for my trip back home. I packed everything up, helped my roommate leave (but he missed his train and had to stay an extra day), and said my goodbyes to the few people that I wanted to go see. Then my mother came up, I checked out, and then went home.

I haven't been home a week quite yet. I've been unpacking my things, trying to find places to keep them in this house that's jam-packed with junk, and trying to get comfortable. My mother nags a lot, but she is apparently happier than she's been in awhile now that I am back home with her for the summer. 

This summer, I plan to take two classes at the local community college, in addition to tutoring math in the math department of the college as a part-time job. I filled out the paperwork today. 

I've also been thinking about joining the Army ROTC next semester, but there might be some conflicts with my scheduling and with the fact that I missed a whole year already. I'm planning to talk with Holly about it more when she comes home tomorrow.

So far, nobody's really noticed that I'm back home. Which is fine for me, most of my old friends would rather pretend I didn't exist because it makes them feel better at night. Hopefully, I can make some new friends in my hometown this summer with my classes and with this tutoring gig. It shouldn't be too tough, with the new attitude I've been looking at life and relationships with. I'm no longer afraid to be alone, and I only want to give my time to those that want it and deserve it.

Anyway, the mother just came out and bitched at me to go to bed because I have a workout with my trainer in the morning. Knowing him though, there'll be more debates about why the other person is stupid than there will be weightlifting...

[juggalo1212]

I'm Back

Hello.

It's been awhile. I've been extremely busy recently as a result of finals and moving back home. The list of excuses could go on, but I'll just stop there. I plan to resume daily updates starting tomorrow night. I'd write tonight, but it's past 2 AM and I'm pretty tired. 

-Dan

[juggalo1212]

April 30 / May 1,2,3

I have been extremely busy for the past few weeks, and it doesn't seem to be letting up any time soon. So the blog's posts will have to be delayed like this until the school semester is over.

Nothing too eventful happened this week. Amy came over on Wednesday and we spent a few hours in bed. I took a Physics test and did horribly on it, but thankfully I pass/failed the class so it won't be too much of a problem. I finished my final Data Structures homework, and I am extremely pleased I'll never have to do another one ever again.

I spent all of today working on my final project for my video games class. I built all seven levels of my game, which was no small task. Now I have to animate the enemies, write all of the scripts for the behavior of everything in the game (will take like a week), find and implement sounds for the game, and add the story over the top of the game. I have until next Monday to do all of that.

I do regret not going out to party tonight, but I've been so exhausted recently. Next semester will be much easier on me, so I'll plan to party more and get out there a bit more. At the moment, I still have too much on my plate.

[juggalo1212]

April 29

I've been so bad about updating this, I'm not even going to try to remember everything from the entire past week. Not that too much has even transpired anyway.

This weekend was 150th anniversary and formal for my fraternity. I went with a girl that I was set up with. The entire night with the girl was pleasant, but nothing more. Half way through the night I realized that as soon as the night was over we would probably never talk to each other again.

A lot of the brothers there knew of my brother and they offered their condolences. It got to be pretty difficult for me at one point so I ran away and sat by the fire pit, but then a couple brothers sat with me, and one of them, my brother's business partner, gave me a bunch of my brother's old shirts he'd been holding onto for me.

I have a video game project that I've been working on for awhile. It's about a guy who was diagnosed with severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Paranoid Schizophrenia, and he has to battle off his inner demons. The story for the game is actually quite strong. My artistic skills are... lacking, but I hope that my story and game mechanics make up for my shortcomings.

[juggalo1212]

April 21/22

Classes began all over again yesterday, and they began in full force. Physics was horrible to sit through early in the morning, the lab was a pain to work my way through, but then History and Culture was bearable. I've mostly gotten over being sick, despite the occasional stuffed nose and sore throat before bed. 

After all of my classes yesterday, I went running for the first time in quite awhile. It was a really nice day, so I told myself I would go up to the track and run a 5k no matter how long it took me to complete it. I surprised myself when I went. I have hardly lost any of my progress in running despite my poor eating habits, sickness, and sprained ankle, and I finished the 5k in a total of 27 minutes, which is only about two minutes slower than some of my best times.

After my run and the subsequent shower, I stopped by the house because the brothers' girlfriends had prepared a present for all of us. They had hand-sewn sets of letters for the fraternity for every single brother, and made their own which had the frat's nickname on it. It was a very nice gesture, and the brothers certainly appreciated it. I had dinner alone afterward, and then stopped by the house for elections.

Unfortunately, the meeting for elections did not have quorum, which is the minimum number of active brothers needed in order to business like elections to take place. So the meeting accomplished very little and the elections were postponed for this following Sunday, the day after Formal.

Today was also a rough day when it came to my classes. It was nearly impossible for me to focus in any of my classes throughout the entire day, despite the fact I probably should have. Being in huge lecture halls with hundreds of kids and freedom to be distracted by my phone or laptop causes me to have a lot of difficulty. 

I learned a number of new tricks for making games in my Game Mechanics class today, and during my walk back to my dormitory after the class I thought of a concept for a game that I think will work quite well. Now I just need to keep with the lessons and begin teaching myself how to make my plan a reality.

The Destruct homework proved impossible to begin. Nobody around knows what to do for it, so I'll have to stop by office hours sometime tomorrow to ask questions about it so I can even get started. 

I played a lot of minecraft today, in addition to Darksiders. I beat the latter, and I was quite pleased with my success. I've decided to make my wallpaper on my laptop a slideshow of all the games I've beaten since the beginning of college. Some nerd pride right there.

[juggalo1212]

April 17/18/19/20

Thursday: This was a busy day for classes. Thankfully, there was no Destruct homework, and I managed to get through all of my classes without much difficulty. The night was full of some more fraternity stuff. Fraternity stuff is the reason I haven't updated recently, as I wouldn't get back to my room until late every night.

Friday: Friday was the day of initiation for the pledges. The ceremony took a very long time to arrange, and a long time to go through for each individual pledge. I had a speaking role in it for awhile, but my voice began to give out later on. I was very proud to initiate the five new pledges, they worked pretty hard to get here. I also did find a date for the formal next weekend. I got setup with a girl from a sorority by one of the brothers. She seems like a nice girl, but I'll have to wait until I get the chance to meet her.

Saturday: I had to wake up early on Saturday to volunteer for the Habitat for Humanity. I learned a lot in the short time I worked there, and I helped by constructing walls and setting them up. By the time my entire workday was over, we had managed to set up and install the walls for the entire second floor of a house. It was a great feeling to help like that. Then I took a nap for three hours before stopping by the house again that night for a night at the house. I played a few games of beer pong and talked to a bunch of people before going home late at night and passing out very quickly.

Sunday: Happy Easter! I woke up and ran over to the house to catch a ride to the Easter worship service that the brothers were going to. The service was a bit cliched and poor, but it was nice to go to the church for the first time in a long time. When it was over, I went with some of the brothers to a local barbecue joint and had some brunch. Then I went back to my room. In the afternoon I played some tennis with my roommate and one of the guys from across the hall. I was really rusty and didn't do very well,  but neither did the other too. Then I came back to my room, and had a Skype call with my family. My brother, sister, and mother were there. They seemed happy to see me, and we sang happy birthday to my sister who celebrated her birthday a day early. Then I finished up what little work I had and now I'm planning to shower and salvage what little sleep I can.

[juggalo1212]

April 14/15/16

April 14: Monday I focused heavily on my classes in the morning and in the afternoon. Once I managed to get through all of my work, I got to prepare myself for a Destruct test in the afternoon. What sucks, though, is that I began to get sick on Monday, so I suffered my way through a horrifyingly difficult test with my head pounding and my throat tearing itself apart. When the test was through, I had an interview with one of the pledges and then the fraternity events of the night.

April 15: Tuesday was a day filled with even more work! But thankfully, two of my classes were canceled. Destruct was canceled as a result of the test the previous day, and Game Mechanics was canceled because the professor had an issue come up with his family. I went to his class at the allotted time anyway to work on my math homework when I found some of his students filling out a card for him. I signed the card, then turned in my work after speaking with the mathematics woman about the class I had been wait listed in. When all was said and done, I went back to my room for awhile to just rest and enjoy myself. More fraternity stuff went on that night.

April 16: I got to sleep in today too. It was great, for sure. I had to do a Destruct lab, and I got my test back. I got a 65 on the test, but the huge curve turned that into an A- (a 68 was an A). I'm pretty pleased with that. I played games with my friends after I finished the lab, went to dinner and sat with Tina for awhile, and then went over to the house once more for more frat events. The frat events will be going on each night for the rest of the week until their initiation on the weekend. After the pledges were traumatized and had left the house, me and my pledge brothers had a meeting about the upcoming elections and who wanted what position. I am unsure of which position in the house I would want to pursue, but I know I want to take an active part in it.

[juggalo1212]

April 10/11/12/13

April 10: I woke up to some startling news. I had a project apparently due the Tuesday before. It was a group project, and I had gotten absolutely no start before and barely any notice. Since nobody in the class mentioned a word of it, more than half the class fell behind and didn't complete it in time. Luckily, one of the kids I befriended in the class decided to let me join his group and I didn't get completely boned as a result of missing out. Once my classes were done for the day, I spent a bit of time focusing on my programming homework and trying to finish it before the events of the night at the fraternity.

April 11: Thankfully I did finish my homework in time, and I was able to relax a little more this day. I did have a math test to prepare for once all of my classes were complete, but the test proved to be a cinch and I was walking out feeling great. Even better, my roommate was gone because he'd left to attend Pax East. I enjoyed having the room to myself fully. In the evening, I went to an improvisational show and then I went back to my room, played games, and passed out late.

April 12: This day was "Work Day" at the frat. An entire day devoted to working hard on the house to make it presentable to the alumni returning for the 150th anniversary. From 8AM to 5PM, I worked pretty solidly on digging trenches, shoveling stone and dirt, weeding, and spreading grass seed. Thankfully, a lot of work got done and the house manager was pretty pleased with what I accomplished. When the work was all done, I rested in my room for awhile and took the longest, hottest, and nicest shower I've taken in months. I also got a call from my older brother. He's out there, and he broke down crying on the phone. He's very emotional. 

April 13: I had to get up moderately early again today as well, because it was a brief clean up day after the work day. It only took an hour. Then I went with some of my brothers to a dodgeball tournament. Five teams in total turned out, but our team ended up taking the certificates home. We were very proud of them, so we put them in the trophy case (which no one had the keys to, so we took the door off the hinges). In the afternoon, the room lottery went on. I was so close to getting a really really nice room, but because I rolled a five on a die throw and the other rolled a six, I got second pick. The room I ended up getting isn't bad, but it could have been better. I went to the house meeting and then went back to my room for the day. For a weekend that was supposed to be spent resting, I do not feel rested.

[juggalo1212]

April 9

I slept in so late this morning. There were no classes today as a result of a school holiday involving election. It was lovely.

I spent most of the day playing Minecraft with my friends. I took a half hour break to go play a foosball game with Amy, but then she had to go and I went back to my games. I ate both of my meals today alone, and for the most part I didn't really talk to anyone. Both of the people I've asked to go to the formal with me are too busy to go with me, and the loneliness is creeping in right now.

Right now I'm not feeling necessarily depressed. I'm feeling hollow. I'm not too sure how to react. I know that I need to keep focusing on my work and focus on what matters most, but my attention is almost gone.

My post today also sucked, but that's because I honestly did little today. No deep thinking, no emotional events... just existing.

[juggalo1212]

April 8

I had a lot of trouble trying to focus in my classes today. For the most part, I focused on my phone or on my laptop in all of my classes. I had to install a few programs for my Game Mechanics class though.

After my classes were over, I had to go and speak with the woman again about my Mathematics course. Apparently, the class now has a waitlist and she seems confident that I can get into the class as long as I go on the waitlist. So hopefully things work out and everything works out in that respect.

I played video games for awhile, stopped by the house for awhile for a meeting with the pledges. Then I ate dinner, played more video games, and then went over to the house again for an hour and a half to socialize with a bunch of people that went over to drink for the night.

I'm thankful that the depression spike last night ebbed away today, and that it didn't hang on any longer. Here's to hoping that it stays away.

For the most part, though, nothing interesting happened today. So there's not much to report.

[juggalo1212]

April 6/7

April 6: Waking up on my final day at home was really nice. I woke up and played a few games with my niece. I spent some time with my mother, and then I prepared to drive all the way back home. I was pretty relaxed and pleased throughout the day, and nothing much of note happened. I attended a meeting when I got to the school, then went out to eat, unpacked, and went to bed.

April 7: Today was a lot more eventful. I woke up early for my Physics, and then struggled my way through my classes. I had to meet with one of the professors afterward in order to settle an issue regarding my transfer credits, but it went by without a hitch. When class registration came around, I managed to get myself into two classes; Character and Stories for Games and Foundations of Computer Science. Another class I should definitely be able to get into. The other isn't a given, but I can be hopeful.

When all that was done, I stopped by the house, had some dinner, and helped out the house manager with a task. Coming back to my room, I played a couple of games with Ginger and Martin. It was right as they got offline that it happened.

The depression hit again. Out of nowhere, with no precedent. The fact that it strikes so quickly and so unpredictably is terrifying in and of itself. Knowing that no matter what, you never will know if you're safe or not. I thought for a while that I was finally in the clear. I was smiling and happy and things were going the way I wanted.

Now I'm dreading going to bed. And I'm dreading waking up in the morning. Every task becomes a mountain to climb, every thought a careful step through a minefield of horrifying pain and upsetting emotions. I just want to be through the minefield and into the open. But it's the moment I tread lightly for once that I set off another mine.

[juggalo1212]

April 2/3/4/5

Wednesday: On Wednesday, Amy came over to visit. We spent three hours in my bed, two of those hours without any clothes on. After she left, I didn't have much time to rest and recover, though, because I needed to get to work on all of my assignments that were going to be due, and on my test that evening. The test didn't go the hottest, and I was getting pretty burned out by the late evening.

Thursday: Thursday is the day that I did all of my driving. It was a lovely four hour drive at night, filled with playing music, answering phone calls, and thinking about the programming code that I'd tried submitting with some incorrect answers. I stopped at a rest stop to fix it at one point, and I didn't get in to Holly's until past midnight. But I was finally there and I was able to rest for a little.

Friday: Yesterday was Milball, the event I'd gone to visit Holly for. She was all dressed up in her ASUs and I was stuck in a stuffy old suit. It was a nice time though, much more casual than I thought it was going to be. Thankfully, it seemed to be that Holly enjoyed herself, and that's all that matters. :). I ended up being the sober driver, but that's alright with me. At the party we went to after the ball, I met a very cute girl named Meghan. I also met a guy that knew my name, what school I'd went to, and that I was the tennis captain. Turns out he was one of the other player's older brother. 

Saturday: I woke up groggily today after sleeping on the floor. I dragged myself up, went out to get food with Holly, and then bid the smelly one goodbye as I plopped into my car again. When I got here, I was greeted by my excited niece and mother. I played some games with my niece and then had dinner with the family. Both my mother and father are concerned that I'm not eating enough and that I seem pale to the two of them. I think it's just me being overworked and overstressed with everything. I can't wait for this semester to end. I also watched the season finale of the Walking Dead, and now I've got some thinking to do about where this story line is going to go.

Tonight, I finally get to sleep in, in a real bed.

[juggalo1212]

April 1

I wanted to make a long post as a prank about amazing things that had happened to me like getting abducted by aliens or meeting Donald Trump in person, but that's not sporting since I am technically writing this after the holiday is ended. Perhaps next year.

My work began today, it was jam-packed. I went to my classes from 10 to 4 and finished as much work as I could in between the classes and lulls in the classroom. When my classes were all over, I ran to my room and began work immediately on everything that I could.

At six o'clock, I moved on over to the house to attend the pledge meeting. One of the tasks that the pledges had been assigned was to create a composite of every brother's sister. I messaged my sister to warn her that a bunch of pledges were going to go looking for her, and she blocked her FB, but somehow they still found her. She called them amateurs, though, because the picture they got was a lame one. This is why she's my sister.

I continued my work until later in the night, when some more antics with the pledges began. While the brothers waited for the pledges to complete their tasks, drinking all the awhile, I escaped to the basement and kept my work going on everything. When I finished mostly everything, I came back to my room for the night.

Around 6:30 is when I assigned the group member that had slacked off his work. Around 8 I received a pity message from him, having a break down and saying he couldn't do all the work I gave him, and that he NEEDED help. The work I gave him wasn't that much, maybe three or four hours max. Compared to the 8 or so hours I've sunk into the project, his pleas fell on deaf ears. Even our other group mate felt that he was being whiny and uncooperative. An hour later, the group member said he had motivated himself and promised to finish everything no matter what. We'll have to wait and see.

Tomorrow is going to be another big day of completing work and budgeting my time as best I can. Data Structures needs to get some major progress, and I need to prepare myself for the Physics II exam the best I can.