Where I Start Does Not Define Where I Finish
I was twenty years old when I first signed up for Planet Fitness. I was given a membership card, a t-shirt, and celebrated with a medium coffee – light & sweet – and a donut from the Dunkin across the way. One last hoorah?
It’s been quite the ride. In between my senior year of high school and sophomore year of college I had been to four doctors, had a colonoscopy and MRI before finally being diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. IBS is a horrible digestive disorder where my body struggles to break down food and often results in severe stomach pain. This can be triggered by outside sources, such as anxiety. I checked into therapy my freshman year of college only to learn that as a result of a toxic relationship and years of bullying, I had developed high anxiety levels. All the pieces were coming together.
My body has gone through more dramatic changes than a teenager in puberty.
The summer before I turned 21, a series of emotional meltdowns were taking their toll. My IBS was on overdrive and I lost 20 pounds in a year. The scale blinked 103 for about a year as I hardly picked at food and spent most of my time experiencing panic attacks and crying hysterically over things I could not control. Emotionally, I was miserable. However, I secretly loved the skinny body I was living in. I was no longer crying in dressing rooms or pinching the excess skin on my stomach and hips in disgust. On vacation, I didn’t care that I was spending more time in the bathroom with a stomach ache because the next morning I felt even lighter than the day before and it felt good to slip on the little black bikini I would never have dared to even try on in years past.
After my relationship ended in the fall, for awhile, so did my IBS. I was happy and suddenly had an appetite. I was partying with my friends at least three times a week. Eventually, though, the alcohol and late-night binges caught up with me.
It wasn’t until I walked in my Alma Mater’s annual spring fashion show surrounded by beautiful, fit, and thin young women that I realized my body had changed again. I stepped on the scale back home, only to see a haunting 125 pounds. The number was blinking, laughing, at me. I had gained over 20 pounds in less than a year.
I reached out to one of the models I had walked with and asked if I could shadow her at the gym. We started working out 2-3 times a week. I looked to her for a healthier diet. By the second week I was starting to feel better. I knew I was no where near my goal, but I felt confident the more I worked toward it. However, people will be people, and while I was proudly posting progress pictures on Twitter of the two of us in the gym, flexing our arms and stomachs, I was still bullied and, as the term goes, “fat shamed” over social media.
That was the start of a rickety roller coaster. I was eating 600-900 calories a day. My visits to the gym became frequent and lengthy. If I wasn’t at the gym, I was obsessing over what was going into my mouth, and if that wasn’t the first thing on my mind, planning the next time I was able to exercise was. I hated looking in the mirror. All I could see was enhanced arms and legs and a stomach that needed to be sucked in; a body that needed too much work.
It wasn’t until my senior year of college that I made the decision to recover. I wanted to be healthy and happy. I was tired and felt defeated.
Something amazing happened in September. I fell in love with a wonderful boy, Mark, who stood, and continues to stand, by my side, holding my hand through the dark. Through his support and the help of my friends and family, I have chosen fitness. I have chosen recovery.
I choose recovery every single day. I choose to love myself.
I have lost weight through a healthy diet, treating myself, focusing on exercise and believing in the power of a positive attitude. I surround myself with those who raise me up.
When Mark would tell me I was beautiful, I struggled to believe him and he knew. He wasn’t telling me to boost my ego or make me feel better; he was reminding me that he saw what truly made me beautiful and by not only telling but showing me his love, he made me feel beautiful and capable. We started cooking healthy meals together almost every night. If I had an episode, he was my rock. He was the first person I told when something felt wrong, and he was the first person I told when something felt absolutely right.
He was the first one I told about Pound. With two ripstix (¼ of a pound weighted drumsticks), a yoga mat, and it’s creators Kirsten and Cristina instructing through a 45 minute routine that combines yoga, Pilates, isometric movements, plyometrics and Isometric poses, I was hooked after the first session.
I have followed Kirsten and Cristina and have been a member of the Pound posse from the very beginning. That is why I have joined the Pound Tour to Summer; a 60 day fitness challenge that started today and will take me through to the beginning of my favorite season. Kirsten and Cristina encourage us to journal each day, so I decided to take this opportunity to establish my fitness blog and take you along for the ride.
I have proven to myself that my body is strong. I will never again make the mistake of underestimating its potential. I am joining this tour to only better myself and continue my journey.
My first day was a struggle because, of course, I have a very bad cold and my sinuses were not making anything easy. Was I modifying the moves? Yes. Did I still sweat? Absolutely. Taking it easy is still taking it somewhere. I may not have had the strength to weight training this afternoon, but I am proud of myself for waking up, getting as much of a workout as I could under the circumstances, and earning my shower.
Treat your body kindly, and it will return the favor.
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