This Is: Just Diana

[becoming-diana]

Mundane to Extraordinary, a Journey.

I've been a little tired lately, not sure what part of me needs the nap. Is it my mind, my body or my soul. If you understand this feeling, i am sorry. Currently I'm not depressed, I'm actually a bit at peace. Somehow I at least have that washing over me. Maybe i'm tired of the mundane world. I've always said that the mundane bored me.

This life bores me, not gets me out of here kind of bored. More than sitting through a math class you have already been through one to many times, kind of bored. As if someone had chosen to tell me a story over and over again to the point I could tell it myself. And it's not a quarantine type of boredom. Not the days blending together more like I've lived all of this. As if nothing new is to happen, as if it all already has.

No i'm not saying i've seen the future just that there is this impending feeling as if i've experienced all the good and bad and there is simply nothing left. Tomorrow I'll analyse this with my therapist. She is great but i have read so much about psychology that i'm sure this is more dissociation than anything else. So let's blame my mental health but at what point do i get to blame me. I feel like I deserve the blame for not being more, not having more going on.

Example one of the people i have come to realize is just an old friend but at some point saw him as a best friend. Regardless of his status in my life. He told me about this ridiculous drama that involved a group from high school I hadn't been part of . Not then and certainly not now. I had pulled myself away from these people years ago and somehow I was being pushed into them. I was glad when he had to go and ended the call. I didn't have the heart to do it, maybe I just didn't have the strength. The mundane conversation of drama i had no part in one that i hadn't cared about since i left high school. That was eight years ago. I could barely keep these peoples names straight let alone their stories. Until he said i was involved, he had entangled me in a problem that i had placed over a thousand miles between me and it. Regardless of what was being said, I couldn't care less. Again I found myself without strength, energy or mindspace.

It made me realize that even my connections to the outside world i thought i belonged in, was so superficial. I now needed to cut off a friendship I had thought would last a lifetime or at least until I could replace him with someone less drama inducing.

The little energy I did have couldn't afford to be wasted on someone who was not adding to my life in any way. I thought the mundane was just my daily life but it seems to include a lot more of the world then i originally gave any thought too. Turns out it's all mundane. It's all sameness. Nothing new, nothing changing. The opposite of extraordinary. The opposite of how I want to exist. But here we are you and me, living existing.

Maybe I wrote all this to say, I need to make myself live, I need to force it into my life regardless of who I must kick out to integrate some one or thing new. Let's do it then.

Me and you writing our way through adventure on a hopeful journey to excitement.

DIANA

[just-dianas]

Desire desire.

It took me a long time to realize what the desire for desire really meant. The crazy craving for being wanted, needed, that's desire. That is a cardinal human instinct. Like hunger or thirst. That also took me a while to realize, sex is just that thirst and hunger, also called desire. 

I met desire in a random way, on a youtubers channel, she discussed the desire to want to be desired. That made me think was i ever boy crazy or hiding my sexuality, or was i on a hunt to be desired. Did I want to be loved or simply entertained? That's the question: love or boredom? Which one left me wrapped up in social media stalking? Which one, if any, changed me to the core? 

The answer to the last question is none. None of them, not one of those men could change me to the core. Even the women I've dated couldn't hold such an impact. So where does that leave me? 

Wanting to be desired, that's where I stood for years. Until now, where I realized the only person that truly had to desire me, was me. I had to need and want myself. I had to desire my own attention, my own respect, my own everything. So i did, i am and i can tell you it is a work in progress. 

I have to constantly remind myself to do what I desire. From what to eat to whether or not I want to lose weight. Or if i want to spend my energy with someone no matter who they are. Family or friends. I am focused on me completely, I refuse to hold my tongue or do things just for others. 

That i think is true desire. Living and breathing my truth in every way, however that may look but most importantly wanting to live my truth. In conclusion, I no longer desire, desire. I am over the search for entertainment. I'm done with others validation and all that expectation placed on my shoulders.

 Maybe you too my dear reader should think about it. Do you desire being desired or are you simply at bliss with yourself? Do you take yourself into consideration before being? Yeah I said that being, you know, like existing. Do you think of you first? 

DIANA

[just-dianas]

Maybe a superpower

I know i have to write to all of you, i am aware of the commitment i have, the unwritten law between writer and reader. The one that exists beyond books or movies or tv scripts. So darlings here is a bit of a rocky topic. One that i wish i didn't or should i say couldn't write about. But I have a first person account with the inner workings of my mind. 

Mental illness has a bad wrap, especially things that are constantly jokes about such as bipolar disorder. We say someone, most often a woman, is bipolar. That she cant make up her mind or is unstable. 

It sucks when someone says it, as you slowly descend into your own madness of manic depression. For me I feel as if I was slowly melting into nothing, as if the constant switches in my emotions were simply a joke. A cruel game between nature and god. 

Today I woke up trapped in euphoria, trapped in fast talking, room pacing and destructive acts. No, I didn't do anything too crazy . I just spent 100 dollars on makeup on a credit card. I say I will never use it. I also looked up flights and an entire vacation to the state my manic mind at another time had decided to eventually call home. 

I felt as if some one had electrocuted me then given me energizer bunny batteries. If you know the reference you are at least my age. I feel a fire burn within so hot I am actually sweating. 

This can happen on and off in a matter of days, weeks and occasionally months. I can have every emotion the worse being anger. But currently the fire I feel sets me up for a lot. For this actually to be able to write you all as I feel the heat in my veins. 

They say that mania can come in many shapes and sizes, this isn't as bad as the time I booked a trip to another state to visit my friends with only a week's notice. Let's just say she was less than happy. And so was i once the mania subsided and the depression kicked in. that was back in September, in the middle of a global shut down. 

If i didn't have this illness, because that's what it is, an illness like any other. If i didn't have it i would chalk it all up to going stir crazy and i wouldn't have spent all my savings on it.

Now all i want to do is jump on a plane and explore, drink and be merry. I won't, don't worry.

My therapist calls this a super power, that is, as well as all bipolar humans. We have this ability to at one point or another feel every emotion, connect to every part of ourselves. It is inconvenient, but it might be a blessing in disguise. 

I can feel it all, empathy is my superpower. I know feelings inside and out. I can see them a mile away. I can describe them as well, but that might be me as a writer.

[just-dianas]

Mind power.

With this innate need of writing comes big emotions. Emotions so strong they can over power common sense. I guess that is where the day dreams come in. the ones where my mind wanders and I end up in mental situations that might take up my real life. 

For example hyper fixating on things like crushes, or situations. Maybe you understand, maybe you are like me, playing moments in your head whether they are plausible or not. 

Ok so again new tiktok crush. I have a lot of them, but frankly I'm a little too occupied with them, floating around in my mind. The latest one is beautiful and very much a thirst trap posting mess. Probably toxic in real life. But in my mind she's sweet and kind and funny. 

I'm aware that none of that might be true. But it doesnt kill a girl to dream right. Ok maybe it kills my productivity. But as a writer it is beautiful fuel. The muses bless me with creative energy, allowing me more to write about. 

Truth is if you really analyze the people I’ve been inspired by they have quite a bit in common. Being that they are a thousand miles away both figuratively and literally. Also they have no knowledge of me at all. So there is that. I guess that's the best part as well, they're all perfect. In my mind everything is well. 

I am not hallucinating or anything like that, but it's all nice to think about. Isn't that the case for everyone.

Well regardless of my sanity, i am just here to say your mind controls more than you think. Emotions, passions and common sense, all tied together. Your mind might even surprise you and control the outcome.

Diana.

[just-dianas]

TRIBE

I learned about true friends twice.  One , in high school, she dated my ex who I was still in love with. Then I learned again, this time from my own flesh and blood. Family doesn't mean friendship, or loyalty. That moment opened my eyes to my found family. So I learned twice, though I guess they were different lessons. I realized no one and I mean no one owes you anything. Regardless of what you have been though and regardless what you would do for them

Holding people to the same standards that you hold yourself too is a problem in this society. I'm not saying we all are like that, of course there's good people out there. But don't you think the rest of society should open their minds to the idea of being present in a friendship. To be loyal and caring and respectful. 

Why people who are born into your tribe, family would throw you under a bus for there pure 

entertainment. They would rather ruin you as a person then love you like you are blood. I have done things in places i thought i was safe to later be ostracized for murder when death has not once touched my finger tips. 

But the tribe i built, the one i've earned would have helped me hide the body. I have that with those whose names I can never disclose. But I keep their secrets under lock and key. Will they be my alibis in this crime no. But i can count on them to not talk.

Then there's the members of my tribe I've tattooed on my skin. They are also engraved in my heart, i call them my council for they hear me as i hear them. They are from different sectors of my life, one my sanity the other my emotional support. I call them home but even they are not the tribe I see others collect. 

Jealousy hits me as I see those with tribes so loyal they mesh into home and family and secret keeper and wise sage. I have yet to feel such a thing. Yet to build such a thing. I assume it has to do with the current location I reside in on this planet. Lets just say for the last six plus years i have been in a place that would rather stone me then love me. The stones would be  held by my family with the exception of my mother.

It's a witch hunt regardless of what i do. I pray and hope you are not seen as a witch at this time. I will continue to look for my tribe, you do the same.

Diana.

[just-dianas]

Coming out to myself the final frontier.

Let's finish this coming out saga. 

In hindsight I always loved women, my best friend in kindergarten, Heather, she was a tomboy that loved dinosaurs and star wars. i wonder if she grew out of it or if she’s actually a lesbian now. Then there was a friend i had from a couple months old until I was 10, she and i played house i was always the dad. Then I kissed my neighbor and wanted to every time I saw her. Honesty we kissed an awful lot for girls that always talked about boys this went on from ages 7 to 10. And so on go the stories of my strange feelings for women, until i was fourteen and came out as bisexual.

At this point in my life I was fourteen and extremely obsessed with lesbian culture. From watching The L Word to youtubers who spoke about being LGBT. I knew the terminology and every possible show I could watch illegally online. I was fascinated with lesbians, more than anything. I even did a paper in my high school psychology class about nature vs nurture. I Got the highest grad in the class, if you were wondering. 

Now let's fast forward to 24 year old me. Just a year ago i fell more and more into the lesbian rabbit hole of tiktok. I realized my for you page and my following page where strictly lesbians and not much else. The more i read about lesbians online and the more i saw these videos it became easier to really identify with the women i saw. For a while I thought well maybe it's the lack of lesbians in my area. Maybe since this is the only access to that community, that is what fueled my obsession.

I was wrong. The more dating apps I got and the more men I spoke to, the more time I would spend on my lesbian tik tok feed. The more I tried to connect with men the farther away I felt. So i changed my profile to lesbian. There the women and I seemed to speak differently, of course we didn't click enough to date but i made friends with them and that was good enough honestly. 

I gave up, or should I say gave in. I had more of a desire to be wanted then the desire for men. I just needed the attention and therefore would take what I could get. It was out of convenience then out of want, desire or even lust. My experience with men is more primal then me. You may see it differently but I am a gay women. 

Maybe one with a bit more experience in the men's department but mostly out of heteronormative society. A world that taught me to be desired by men, one that also seemed to cut me off from women before i had time to even explore that side of me. 

There is nothing I can do to change that. My past is mine and mine alone. It was a different journey that brought me to live my rainbow truth. One I now can accept as me. 

Diana.

[just-dianas]

Circumstantial or deliberate.

I am still in dire need of running. I urge you all to stop me before I go. I want to run but only to the home I envision in my head. The place with rainbows and rainstorms. One I must weather alone. 

I have never felt at home in my hometown. Its ground is still covered in snow. I once lived in the sunshine year around but that too was no comfort for my uneasy soul. 

I believe I found a place where everyday won't be sunshine, everyday will not end in rainbows, but there will be growth. That's all I ask of life to allow me to grow, to change, to evolve. That's honestly all I ask of myself, is to be more me everyday with every passing moment to be a better version of me then the last.

I know it won't come easy, it will definitely not be simple, but i do not want to stay the same. I don't care if they say i have changed, that i'm different or act weird now. I will smile and say thank you, that means it's working. If I lose people along the way that's fine, I want nothing stunting my evolution. 

The act of self discovery and true self love is a never ending process. It will last a lifetime, but it is the most beautiful adventure you could ever possibly go on. It's a stunning experience. 

I started my journey a bit late, but honestly I am glad when I was ready the world opened its arms and accepted what I thought were broken pieces and turned me to a never whole piece of art. Always being added too and losing pieces along the way. I have grown bigger, wiser, stronger and more self sufficient. But as i said that is a never ending process. 

I have seen those around me all grow at different paces, but there's a difference between circumstantial growth and a deliberate one. Circumstantial growth comes from life, it is things thrown at you good or bad and you having no choice but to acclimate. Then there's deliberate growth, that is a journey you set on consciously to grow from every moment no matter how small it may seem. 

Neither of these two is better then the other but when you are conscious of it, making decisions becomes lighter. It takes away a lot of pressure. 

For example choosing to move, like i am, means i get to start over, fresh. Looking at the opposite situation choosing to stay would stabilize me in the present, versus the future. Yet staying changes nothing, there is no growth. Therefore I need to head out. It might not be happening right now, but by next year, I will have a new home.

Since I am telling you, all you can now is hold me responsible for this decision. I will keep you updated on the ins and outs of moving. 

My dear reader, i'll leave you with this question, are you growing circumstantially or deliberately?

Diana

[just-dianas]

Affirmations or Not

My affirmation for today was “I am meant to do great things”. 

I understand the concept of an affirmation, to manifest what you desire, believing it as truth to make it true. Yet reading it made me think. Is it a bit self sabotaging to start your day saying something so boastful. Wouldn't it suck to spend the day saying this to then have a day where things just go wrong. 

For example, spilling coffee on your shirt having to change then being late for work. That then means you are late for the meeting that could lead to your promotion. Karen had to start the meeting without you and you rush in late , getting glasses from your colleagues and boss. A if that wasn't enough lunch rolls around Karen starts moving her things into the corner office and you decide to work through your break to make up for the time you lost while being late. Not to mention you are starving for the rest of your day. On your way hope you are stopped in rush hour traffic. Then the genius behind you causes a fender bender and now you are waiting for the insurance and rest of their information. By the time you get home it's late you realize you are out of cat food and need to head back out to get food for your cat. 

You see where I went with that. Yes i believe in the power of positive thinking but wouldn't a day like that make you feel like a failure. Wouldn't that day stop you from ever trying to affirm anything into your life again. I think affirmations should be a little more realistic. How about “i am meant to do my best in every situation I encounter”. That seems more realistic. On a day like I described you can only do your best regardless of the outcome you did what only you can do.

I'm not saying we shouldn’t manifest the lives we want but maybe not set ourselves up for disappointment. 

But hey that's just my opinion. Manifest or don't, stay positive and look up.

Diana.

[just-dianas]

Coming out, the first time.

Dear reader here is the story of how i came out the first time. Story of how I discovered my love for women, unfiltered.

I was 14 attending an art school, there was this girl she was beautiful and had these gorgeous green eyes. She had told me she had feelings for me after we became close friends. At the time she had a boyfriend. Which now i realized should have been the first red flag, but i was 14 so what did i know. About a week or so later i told her i had feelings for her as well, she then kissed me. Red flag number two. Again I was 14 and confused to begin with. Instantly I knew women were magic, but I had always been attracted to men, or so it thought. At the time bisexual seemed to be a label that discribed me and i shouted it with pride. At school at least I felt safe and was me completely.

I then dated another friend of mine, she was cute and had short black hair. With her I felt free and comfortable in a way I had never felt with a boy. Up until then I had always felt this pressure to keep their attention. Like I had to be this type of girl to keep them with me. But with her I was free. Held her against me during lunch, kissed her in the halls, I was different. Then she broke up with me for a guy, so that ended well. 

Then I dated guys.

Fast forward a couple years and I met a hurricane of a girl. She was in chaos in the middle of a rainbow. But her lips were sweet and her touch magic. She was my first. After about a year of on and off drama. My mother had pulled me out of my perpetual closet. She had overheard me on the phone and waited until I was done to corner me in the hallway of our home. 

The conversation started off as what do girls have to talk about for 3 hours. I replied with school stuff. My mothers tears flooded her eyes, are you gay, she screamed. I could have denied it, but what was the use. She asked and i answered, im bisexual. What i didn't know at the time was that to her that was even worse. 

She left to her room and I left to mine without another word. I picked up my phone to call my friends as I realized I was in danger. I feared she'd kick me out, and I needed to have back up. My voice shook as I explained to the people who had held my secret close to their hearts for over three years. They were my support as my world seemed to crumble. 

After a couple days of complete silence I realized I still had a home. About two weeks later the world began to return to normal. I was safe. 

Eventually in my senior year of high school at seventeen, I dated another girl. She was something else entirely and lets just say a mistake all on its own. My mother now slightly more understanding would approve of me seeing her after school and on weekends. Then of course that ended in her cheating on me and that was the last woman in my life.

After that I strictly dated men. For comfort not desire.

Now my mother has accepted me as such, she has apologized for not understanding who I am. My family has seemed to forget my sexuality as I have avoided dating women for seven years. 

Now at 25 I have come to the conclusion that men and I have never worked because they are just not for me. But that's another story, I will tell you another time.

Diana

[just-dianas]

Dating In 2021

Continuing on the post called “ONLINE CRUSHES” I must discuss dating as well. 

Due to the pandemic and just the current evolution of technology. Online dating is a thing. See i have tried it many times but that was before the process of coming out as who i really am. A lesbian. So mostly my profiles and dates where with men, there seems to somehow be an abundance of them in the world. Unfortunately most of the ones I encountered leaned to the side of man-child and not man. Not saying they were all bad but in the end it never would have stuck due to my gayness. 

Regardless of men and women, dating apps have graced my phone more than once. So let's talk about the rare find of a woman that isn't curious, experimenting or looking for a three-sum. Not to shame them at all, but those of us actually looking for partners have it all pretty hard. 

Let's chat about the one i have found recently. It's all great except she lives in another state, yes it may be adjacent to mine but it's still not in my radius of seeing her often. Another thing is i find myself falling into the typical lesbian stereotypes. 

Dating apps, give you the freedom to talk and get to know someone before a formal interaction. This could be seen as a negative or a positive.

I take it as a way to test communication skills. If a person can not get their point across in a phone call or text (especially if seeing them often isn't a possibility) you can determine how that would work. Or perhaps you see it as a way of exploring possibilities and rooting out red flags. Such as are they looking for what you are, in my case a serious committed relationship. Or are they just there for fun. Neither of those is wrong but clarity at the beginning is extremely important. 

Then you have the negative side, you can't see how a person acts in a public setting. My biggest fear is a little odd but hygiene is a make or break situation. I need a potential partner to smell clean, look presentable, clean and trimmed nails, clean hair, and of course dress for the occasion of the date. Whether it's an activity or a dinner( not that either is easy and in most cases possible during this time) but you get the idea. Many of us have  other fears that not even facetime, zoom or anything like that can rule out.

I have never asked for anything I cant reciprocate in a relationship. Even in the world of online dating I feel the same if not more inclined to wonder about receiving what I give. Will this person give the hundred percent I ask for while I give the same hundred back? Will they complement my life or complicate it?

I am at the stage of my life where dating is no longer a game, it's not testing the waters or anything of the kind. Dating is to find that life partner. I assume this is different for each of us. As I see my friends get married, have children and so on with their significant others, I notice it isn't just me. 

What app do we use where we can outline our intentions and filter or swipes to those that ask for the same? Where do I find such a thing? Is it even possible to create, in a day and age where we want everything quick and simple? Who would really use it?

Diana.

[just-dianas]

Friendship

We accumulate friends in our life, people who complement our worlds. 

I have a couple yet no human is perfect. Even i must acknowledge my faults, my missteps and my many flaws. I Diana, my darling reader, is not perfect nor do I ever try to pretend I am. After all we are all human. 

My acquaintances and I have an unspoken understanding, we do not share ourselves with each other. That is how we manage to come and go in eachothers lives as we please. Keeping it light without expectations of much else. 

My friendships are a bit more complicated, more of a trade off. We exchange what the other needs for what we desire. Its cold and rough but necessary all the same. They are the closest people to me, unfortunately it's all about give and take. 

I'm not sure what a good friendship looks like but so far those aren't its qualifications. At least not in my mind. To me they have to be a different kind of exchange, a trade of joy and laughter. Trading tears and misfortunes throughout a long period of time. Where does one find those?

They say soulmates meet for they have the same hiding places. Is the same true when it comes to friendships? Do I simply hide in the places I love and expect to build a tribe? If you have the answer please let me know. 

Maybe I am not in the right place to find a tribe. A group of people that help eachother grow into the best versions of yourselves. I must wonder where such a place is? I am tired of the endless roaming about, in search of people like me. Others who see the world like I do. 

Loneliness is a terrible thing to feel, even when self love is what you hold. Alone is a terrible way to be, even when the world surrounds you. Here I am both lonely and alone.

Diana.

[just-dianas]

Online Crushes

Even i am not immune to this current centuries relationship struggles. 

Even worse online crushes. Whether it is on tiktok, tumblr, instagram, ect. We often get drawn in by the humans that come across our screens. See we become hypnotized by the allure of who they project they are. We gravitate towards the smiles and laughs. Though the creativity or most shallow aspect of them, their appearance. 

My current online crush is a beautiful tiktoker with gorgeous blue eyes. She is funny and smart from my endless scrolling through her twitter and videos. Then there is her complete obliviousness to who I am. 

This is where our brains and hearts misaligned. We consciously know we don't know them, we might never even get to. That knowledge unfortunately stops at our imagination, we can somehow still create a persona for this person, that we have no information about. 

Example, do you post your ugliest selfies? Or how about the video of you looking like a distraught hot mess?  NO, i didn't think so. 

See my online crush will never disagree with me, we will never fight or argue. Or viewpoints are all the same and she smells like lavender and honey. You see where I'm going. This woman in my mind is nothing like the one behind my screen. Same goes for your online crush. 

If I ever came to know her i would figure out a multitude of aspects i would most likely deteste. Or maybe not, but honestly, Dear Reader, what would be the chances of that? At the end of the day you and I both know no one is perfect.

As I was saying we understand this concept but we fantasize a life of our own. Maybe it's as simple as them messaging you out of the blue. Or as detailed as a meeting. 

I find the human mind a fascinating place, but our need for the right connection is primal. It's an instinct to see beauty and to yearn for affection. Whichever love language that may present itself as to you. We are social creatures and social media has made it easier to socialize with those outside of our normal confines. If we don't get that connection from those around us we can simply look for it somewhere else.

You my lovelies know how much I want to leave the life I currently possess behind and start new. Therefore seeing people like me living these lives I have imagined for them makes me yearn for that world as well. 

In summary online crushes can be the best but we must be able to differentiate between reality and fantasy. Or we risk losing our minds when we discover they have a real life, one different from what we thought we knew.

Diana.

[just-dianas]

JUST BE.

Dear reader it's time for another confession.

 I have a lust for wandering. A burning desire to constantly free myself from the mundane life I call ordinary. So please withhold all judgment. I want to escape but only as a temporary reprieve from the stubborn world I am stuck in. 

Let's talk about my thoughts on travel. I want to experience something new, alone. I want to hide out in a hotel somewhere and experience a new city as much as i can during this complex time. Or even just stay in a room alone, turn off my phone and be. Just be. 

I want to read uninterrupted, write until my mind is clear and most importantly forget all social media. Take a walk mask in tow, to live free if only for a short time. A few days would do. 

I often wonder if a new home will find me as I travel. Maybe as I roam a city it will whisper my name and welcome me in. Maybe make a friend or two. 

Some of you might disagree with covid travels. But frankly I have not asking for your opinion and honestly I really dont care. I know the danger but i can't think here. I can barely breathe sitting here waiting for it all to just end. I see this as the new normal. It's been a year and we have not gotten closer to removing masks or standing near those around us. So here is my opinion take precautions, be safe and acclimate to what it is to be in the now and here.

Back to my need to run. It's more of a detour before I reach a forever home, one I have yet to set course for. Because darlings my current location on this planet is all but satisfying my need for life. There is nowhere to go even before the world enters its current state. There are no people I can identify with and I am utterly alone in my search for friendship and/or love.

I am just utterly alone. The fear of being ,this, forever haunts me. So when I say I am in search of a life, that is all I mean. A world where I am free of all the aspects that come with people's perceptions of me.

I want to wander and forget who they expect me to be. Uninhibited by social constructs. I just want to be.

Diana.

[just-dianas]

Lesson on Standing

Let me tell you a little secret my dear reader, I write to breath. Which is honestly not much of a secret but to think i can equate a natural human necessity with a passion i have. Though honestly sometimes it is labored. Today is such a day where the words fail me. Where my veins run dry from letters. You see, most days my blood is thick with every vowel and many concenets.

So here i will simply write of the current lesson i have learned. Today as i gave a friend advice on his relationship, or maybe it’s more of a situationship. That’s besides the point, as i spoke to him i caught myself in a wild understanding of a situation i have found myself in.

There is a woman that caught my eye, nothing crazy but I am for sure interested. I recently learned she is not looking for what i have to offer, and from what i see she probably shouldn’t. Her life is a bit busy and mostly messy though I understand things happen and control is not something we often possess. In a moment of naive reasoning I thought maybe I can change how she viewed me.

Regardless of my intentions I noticed something as i spoke to my friend. I was putting in so much effort on someone that was not giving me the same. We started out flirty, funny, and cute. It has progressed to distant, short and rare. She no longer calls me baby and neither do i, after all i know how to read a room. She is still roaming my mind, though I understand she can no longer live there rent free. I deserve more than breadcrumbs and half assessed conversation, because I give more than that.

After all if you don’t know where you stand with someone then you must be seated. With her I am stuck sitting in the back of the room. You and I, my dear reader know well enough that sitting in the back means you have a poor shot at getting picked. So as the conversation duindles into what one day might be nothing. I exit the room, friendship still remains but all else has been off the table for a while now.

In conclusion, I figured out that I deserve what I give, my attention should be reciprocated not merely acknowledged. I may be becoming Diana but I know very well what I expect is what I deserve. I ask for nothing unreasonable, nothing I can’t reciprocate. I want someone to complement my life, not complicate it.

[just-dianas]

The stigma

My beloved readers I have recently acquired the knowledge that labels are a scam. I have called myself many things in my 25 years of life. I have said i was manic, bisexual, lesbian, pansexual and heartless among other things. The label of sexuality has perplexed me on many levels. See the stigma a heteronormative society has about bisexual women, ( since thats my only form of reference, thats my perspective on the topic at hand) is obnoxious to say the least. Hetnom society believes that a woman is either seeking attention, or they perversely use her as an object of entertainment or vulgarity. There is no inbetween on this. Again my reader i am simply generalizing to prove a point, i am aware that there are many loving and accepting people in the world.

Now within the community known for loving outside of the heteronormative confindes, there is another stigma. One where a bisexual woman is simply in a phase and will eventually end up with a man. How is it that a group of humans specifically known for love is love, forget that bisexuality is part of the group. It is literally the third letter in the alphabet mafia title of LGBTQ+.

Now if i were to make a switch from Bisexual to lesbian would that break the stigma no. It would be seen as a validating point that bisexuality is a stepping stone for becoming a lesbian.

I could refuse to conform to the titles named by either community yet this would make me indecisive in their judgemental eyes. There is no winning.

Though the truth is I promised myself to be as honest as possible here, therefore I must confess. I am indecisive, but not about women, that I am very sure of. I am a woman who loves women, men on the other hand have alway bored me. After a few weeks or so I have felt suffocated or simply exhausted by their presence. Which I am sure isnt normal because no woman has caused me that distress.

Unfortunately my dating life with men is a bit more extensive then i would like to admit. I have realized that the desire to be desired is very different from actual attraction, i can want people to want me without wanting to want them back. Or wanting them in general. Just like we want people to like us regardless of ever having them in our lives more than for that moment.

For example your boss at work, yes you want them to like you, for promotions or better pay, but doesnt mean you will like them back. I want to say I don’t desire to be desired, that i am somehow so evolved past this concept but i am not.

Now I love women, that is extremely clear to me. Even my favorite superhero comes from an island of only women, I often catch myself wondering what happens on the island of themyscira. Wonder woman and the amazons cant be so evolved they surpassed the need for love or lust. Therefore, more women loving women.

I digress, i am not sure where i stand on the queer spectrum but i will let you know when i do.

Diana.

[just-dianas]

Welcome.

People have always complained about change, we are so used to the familiar. To the comfort we have even in our most dire circumstances. I hold the idea of change in high regard, as it has always been a friend.

Did you know sharks can’t stop moving or they will sink to the bottom of the ocean and die. They must find a currant where the water is in constant movement and then they may sleep. You see that I can easily admire it. Movement, change, all for survival. In humans it might not lead to a pretty life. But it certainly allows for a life where one can survive. As with currants life may change and therefore the shark must find another place to sleep. So must we.

With all this said, I am pleased to meet you all. This is becoming Diana a series of posts that I hope you will find at worst amusing and at best interesting. Though for those of you who find it neither of those things, but rather a nuisance in society. Please be a dear and keep it shut. I frankly don’t give a damn. So we can make that abundantly clear. This is but a fun outlet to release the daily struggles of wandering the earth at 25 years old.

Maybe this is a quarter life crisis, or a cry for help if my therapist saw it, or in my families eyes just an attention seeking ruse.  But once again I couldn’t bother to muster up the care in the world to give them my opinion of me or this blog.

Oddly enough i would like to tell you i am not who they think i am. I believe the very idea of me writing this might prove that. I might be a little lost, sure,  but I know where I am headed. I know what it all looks like, desperation or fear or mearly a girl that gave up long ago. But to me giving up looked like an 18 year old girl.

At 25, I have never regretted my decision to stay. Not once has the thought crossed my mind since I found my faith. Do not fret my dear reader this is just a fact about me, not a sermon at all. But as you will see this blog contains many things as do I and i assume as do you. If it wasn’t the case then maybe you wouldn’t be reading this. Honestly you probably wouldn’t have made it this far.

Since you are still here, I must thank you. Whether you decide to follow along with my journey or not. You spent some time with me and that deserves acknowledgment. May we speak again soon.

Diana.