May 2nd - August 7th, 2017
Time spent with you was not pain.
The truth brought to light just soured it.
I do not feel like any less of a person.
In fact, I gained from it.
My happiness in those moments,
Feelings I cannot describe.
The anticipation, the warmth, the pure bliss.
Stained by feelings not reciprocated.
You seem to think I left with a broken heart.
I can say with infinite certainty that was not the case.
My heart was heavy; itās true.
But it did not break with a goodbye.
A slight crack maybe, the tears shed an indicator.
It was set in a box; forgotten and replaced.
The latest model already purchased.
A shift, a crack. The handle with care sign ignored.
Dust collected and pressure built up.
Beat by beat it crumbled.
Hope allowed it to carry on.
But alas, the fractured remains stay in that box still.
Waiting for someone else to discover it anew.
We met as the spring petals bloomed. Both a little inebriated; giddy almost. You talked to another and I waited. You were handsome then. I agree with my past self, however painful that is.
We talked as we walked to acquire burgers, REAL burgers. You had your opinions and I questioned them innocently, trying to pique your interest. We didnāt sit next to each other in the circle of friends; I kept looking at you. I wanted to talk to you more. Little did I know another had already captured your attention.
You asked to travel with my convoy but we changed our plans as time ran out. A missed opportunity. I didnāt think much else would happen with the guy who encouraged me to write some months prior.
You inquired into my life. I reciprocated; my interest innocent, unencumbered by preconceived doubts. It was refreshing to be sought after. Thatās probably when I started falling honestly.
We met in the big city; equidistant. A shared hotel room: nervous anticipation. I enjoyed your company a little too much, but you probably wouldnāt have known; my nervousness an annoyance to you. Just a girl trying to figure out her feelings for a boy. I began to relax and thatās the me you liked, my real self is so rarely shown to strangers. Honesty; something you so desperately wanted. Honest; something I always was with you.
We laid beside each other. A casual comfort between us, a soft kiss, a gentle caress. Nothing more, nothing less. We stayed up too late, I was exhausted but I wanted to be in your presence. I wanted to know you. That morning was special; our kisses a bit more heated, our touches meant to arouse. Those moments are some Iāll never forget. My first moments of pure desire thought to be shared in its purest form.
The next day was divine. We got to explore and experience together. I wanted to please you so much, I might have lost sight of the moment. I finally felt like I was on a real date, a real connection. I was naive to think Iād finally found someone to let my defenses down with. Someone to call my own. Oh, what a foolish mistake.
We laughed and stayed up again, this time more comfortable. Our last first morning one of bliss, all feeling and sensation. My first time, my second mistake. (Though I would not know that until much later.)
I latched onto you, enamored, so many thoughts and emotions flying through my head. I knew it was just for fun but isnāt that how anything meaningful starts? So much time sacrificed for something that meant so little, just another girl who fell for it.
We parted ways for the first time, something weād grow to become familiar with; something I should have known was an indicator of my time finished. Others free to come and go in the in-between.
Our third meeting was at a camp, among nature and friends. You werenāt gonna come, but in the end, you did. Another sign: a last minute decision on your part, something Iād been planning for weeks. You came, then you came. We wasted no time, you obviously only wanted me for that. I was so easy.
We drove with friends, I thought we were growing closer. We sat beside one another, it meant nothing. The camping was fun though. Your tent too small, another sign. I cried over you, I knew then I was falling hard, my drunkenness did not help.
We fooled around in that impossibly tiny tent. We connected, nothing between us, inebriation mixed with desire.
We came back with less time than anticipated. Again, we couldnāt keep our hands off each other, barely making it to your train. A mysterious headache, a long journey back home for you. I watched you part with your taste still in my mouth. How many times can one person be so blind to what could have been so obvious to others?
I drove to you for our fourth meeting; my desire to spend as much time as possible with the one I was falling for overriding logic at that point. Ā I wanted you, desired you: all I could think of was you. I used an excuse to see you, but we both know it was just that; a way to make sense out of something entirely excessive.
That drive was one of the longest of my life. I stared out beyond the hills and mountains and thought about us. I looked out on the sea, drove over mountains, Ā passed the setting sun and smile; the anticipation of seeing you outweighing any exhaustion. The beauty in that journey as not in the miles I drove, but to whom I would find at the destination. You became an amalgamation of future hopes and desires. These are things Iāve grown to disassociate from. Impossible expectations to place on one single person.
I arrived and collapsed in your arms, we kissed lazily. I was so tired. My excitement created mock wakefulness. I wanted to spend so much time with you. I couldnāt sacrifice our precious moments to sleep. We ate together, a little place near the station, a fun moment, a date.
We traveled; visited a castle, walked within a beautiful garden, and looked upon the moon by Oceanside. Looking back on it now, itās as if it was all a dream. We could barely keep our hands off of one another. Touches, kisses, teasing words. Pure desire; my perspective dirtied by the beginnings of love.
The next day was spent in your arms, any an all moments were with you, beside you, around you. It was intensely passionate and ultimately the only time Iād see you as you were, without pretense. I loved it. I wanted it longer, I wanted you longer. I wanted to live, wake, clean, cook, all beside you. But you wouldnāt even let me clean up after us. Nothing I did was right. Nothing could please you. Only one thing, the only thing you ever wanted from me. And even that was not to your satisfaction. I was shy, too shy for you. I was new to it all, your patients ran out too quickly. You made me feel inadequate for something I was barely at the cusp of understanding.
Our last day arrived too soon. We ate burgers again, REAL burgers. It was delicious, but I felt awkward sitting with you. I donāt know why exactly. Was it the frustrations in the car? Was it the fact I was leaving you again? Was it because I wanted to tell you then that I loved you? That I was so happy being with you? I just wanted to be what you wanted so badly, and that was the beginning of my downfall. From the very first time we met, Iād wanted to impress you and you just perceived it as being fake.
I dropped you off at the station again. I almost said it. I cried. I wanted to tell you so badly. I wanted to be somebody to you. But you left, you walked off and I cried in frustration at my weakness. My weakness for not telling you, and possibly for the whole idea of love; the powerlessness you feel when you so desperately want someone thatās only amplified by the idea that they might want you in the same way too.
I drove away. I drove and drove and drove. The weather was bad. The rain kept pouring down, down, down. I finally arrived home, much later than I wanted, but it was worth it to spend that much more time with you. That past weekend was one of those that Iād cherish forever. Where the effort put in was given back in full. I think back and wonder if youāve ever had anyone drive 16 hours to see you before? I suppose, in the end, it just shows how desperate I was. I only thought of you, and you thought of so many others. That will always be the difference between us.
The anticipation of our last meeting was enough to make me giddy with excitement but also full of dread at the thought of letting you go. I went in with a hopeful heart, a stupid decision, one I should have avoided altogether.
I waited at the station, my heart thumping, looking for you in the crowd. Every passerby a stranger, every face unrecognizable; until my gaze fell upon you. You looked incredible. I smiled and embraced you in an instant, I wanted to kiss you right then and there. People would have been disturbed though, two foreigners embracing was attention worthy enough.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā I couldnāt keep my eyes off of you, I wanted to collapse into you and grab at you the whole time we traveled to our dinner reservation. I was so happy. My heart would have shattered though if Iād known you were with another only a few days prior. Our meeting wasnāt as anticipated or as important to you. I only say this because I had zero desire to even look at another person much less sleep with said person. You did, and that hurts me so much now you wouldnāt understand.
Our dinner was magical, that of novels, fairy tails, and sappy chick flicks. You were almost the perfect gentleman. Again, I was nervous but who wouldnāt be? The night was perfect, the company was amazing, and fireworks were involved. Everything was divine.
We went to Tokyo Tower. Got in before it closed for the night. We kissed gently, it was beautiful, it really was. The lights, the atmosphere, the teasing. I loved every part of it. We snuck away to the shrine beside the tower, touching, kissing, tempting fate. It was entirely too exciting and yet I just wanted you more and more.
My feet hurt so much, but it didnāt matter when I was with you.
We went back to your little temporary abode. It was rushed and desperately needed. Three for three. Your around the world comment was surprising. I so wanted to please you and it felt so good. I guess if Iāll be known for one thing that would be it. I always go all out.
We went out after, I was sore but it was fun. Being with you was always fun.
You met my friend, would she like you? Lunch was incredible. The day preceded to be amazing. I took pictures, I thought those meant more than they actually did. A girl trying to impress a boy. A girl who was desperately in love.
We went to a bar, a place you really liked. A place I will never forget. The place where I stood in front of you and cried. I cried because of everything I wanted with you. I cried because my naivety was starting to fade. I cried because I knew what I would say was something that was going to hurt. I cried because when I said those three words you didnāt say them back and you looked almost disappointed. An āI knew it.ā slipping from your lips. I never knew hurt like that. We were interrupted and I had to leave. You got an escape, you let me walk away, you didnāt say it back. I was shaking with how confused, scared, and lost I was. I fell asleep with a heavy heart.
The next morning we met and you pulled me into your arms. I whispered, āI love youā. A joyfully fluttering heart, a tight hug. I was so happy.
I climbed a mountain with the man I loved who loved me back. Another blissful moment. Another amazing day. I loved every second of that treck. It was hard and we struggled, but we finished. We reached the top of that mountain and kissed as lovers do when they accomplish a great feat together. It felt so real. It WAS real. I was truly happy in those moments with you. We drank at the top, a toast to life it seemed; a toast to our accomplishment. My heart was soaring with you above those clouds. I cannot even begin to describe my pure joy in being with you on Mt. Fuji; watching the sunrise. I thought I found my one. I thought.
Descending that mountain was the beginning of the end. It was tough, we were tired. We talked the whole way, I kept pace with you even though I wanted to rush ahead. A squabble at the hot spring. Something you commented on later. I was surprised.
We went back to the city. We drank coffee and had a delicious meal. Everything was wonderful again. We stayed together. A hotel was chosen and enjoyed. It was magic, you were brilliant; I wish weād done more. I wish I couldāve made you feel even better.
Our last day, you chose to spend with me. You bought that train ticket. You didnāt have to and yet you did. Why? Maybe to properly say goodbye? Maybe because you truly cared. Maybe because you loved me. We went right into a storm, walked around with an umbrella, hands clasped tight. I was cold, I was wet, but I was with you. I was happy. My heart was so full, but it hurt so badly. It hurt because I knew I was going to be losing you. The person I put so much of myself into, the person I loved so much, the person who was the first to make love to and love me. It was all so lovely, but so beyond reality. We kissed beside that raging river, an exact representation of my heart. My tears fell like the rain, my heart heavy like the atmosphere.
One last coffee and then a goodbye. I didnāt want to let you go. I didnāt want to say goodbye. I finally met someone I could love and I justā¦ walked away. I left you behind and I hurt every day for it. How will I find another like you? How could I possibly meet someone as cute, nerdy, smart, challenging, and handsome as you were?
I left and you moved on. I hurt and you loved. I still canāt let you go and youāre tired of me. I understand. I know. Itās time to let you go. Itās time to move past these innocent feelings of first love. Itās time to be me again and not hope for you to be there beside me.
I wish you the best with her. I hope you are as happy as I was in those last two days of being with you. Be naive, be vulnerable, and most of all be humble. We are all imperfect, we all make mistakes, and we all just want to be loved.
areudirty
dededos
baratheonpilled
dailybridgerton
janainaart
prguitarman
