The important things that I wish those who love & know me could understand about me
Let's clarify; I do NOT want to die. I think I just lack the capacity to succeed in life. Loved ones describe me as "too soft", "dumb", "so nice that it's really irritating and looks pathetic" and I tend to "just let people treat and talk to you like shit and giggle about it".
All these things are true. I let the world and the people around me climb up onto myof shoulders while I'm slowly sinking into the ground and burying myself alive under all of their weight. All because I'm so fearful of hurting anybody else that I harm myself trying to make them happy.
Then maybe, after all of that, I might be somebody's first option; the only option they wanted or needed; I would just be enough for them to finally love me, respect me and be proud of me instead of feeling like I can't come out from behind their shadow to be treated as an equal, instead of just a fraction.
I've gone my about life with one key consistency, my mantra or motto I guess. The model in which I've been content with living my life.
It goes; "If I can just give people enough of myself, eventually they will love me; they have to, right? Eventually those people will give me the love that I've been ripping away at pieces of myself and giving it to them just to try and receive back. I'm not asking for too much… am I? Maybe I am asking for too much, I don't need it anyway… "
They say that you can't pour from an empty cup, but I think you can pour as much as you're willing to let go of. I've always chosen to give more, even if the recipient never even bothered to glance back my way and say thank you. All because I had always naiively hoped that life was fair, that the world and its people weren't inherently cruel, and that eventually I would also one day be worthy for somebody to finally love me as I them, and recieve the same care and regard and kindness as I was giving because surely I would deserve it, then.
That's not the way it works, but my reasoning as to 'why' may differ from most; I believe that to love somebody is to understand them. To TRULY understand somebody requires the patience and effort that most people have limited themselves of, because its often painful and testing. To understand somebody is to accept them for whom they are, what they have to offer, and here's the not-so-whimsical factor; how much they are WILLING to offer, regardless of what they actually have to give. Ironically, to me, the willingness to give is the most crucial of all three- because if you are not willing to give everything you have to give plus anything else, you are not selfless enough to be able to understand somebody, accept somebody REGARDLESS of whether you actually agree with their particular ideals or love them fully. This is because the true extent and the purity of the love you give are limited to what you're willing to understand and also accept, faults inclusive.
If I were to die today, I think that it will lift the burden of carrying me through life off of everybody else's shoulders- I've been told that being in love with me and loving me is more like a curse than a gift, and that hurts, because I struggle to see even the cruelest actions perpetrated by the person I love as a curse. Instead I try to improve myself, thinking that if I can just be 'perfect' that I'll finally be that special gift that gets shown off because everything that you needed is in that one gift box, and no other gifts can ever match the sentiment that you only feel upon receiving perfection.
This is the one thing that I wish the people whom I love and who love me could understand. I'm not perfect, I'm not always right nor do I always make the correct decisions, but in your frustration please try to remember that I always tried to, because all that mattered to me was whether I was good enough to love you and be loved by you.
Keep this is mind:
Everytime something was said or done to me that was exceptionally hurtful, I just assumed that I had to try harder to make that person see my value and worth, and so I would keep giving more of myself away to people who continued to pick away at my self worth and watched me unravel.
My ultimate thought being "If they could just see the pain I was in because of their behaviour, they may realise what they have and stop doing things that were hurting me. Why won't they stop hurting me even though they can see what it's doing to me?"
I would cry for hours asking myself what I wasn't doing enough of to make them stop what they were doing that was destroying me.
I would always give up on myself before I could bring myself to give up on somebody I love.
Written by Kate Gentile
