story time: sex ed in the U.S.
I donât have a belly button - it was surgically removed in the process of treating Crohnâs disease that progressed to life-threatening peritonitis about four years ago.
This isnât a story about a belly button, or about intestines or any lack thereof. This is about the United States.
As part of a âgetting to know youâ exercise a few weeks ago, a group of people and I were playing âtwo truths and a lie.â For my turn, my lie was âI used to live in Canada.â I was called on immediately after the game was over for confirmation that my statement âI donât have a belly buttonâ was true.
I complied immediately, revealing a set of long purple scars that stretch across my abdomen - one of which crosses through the midline, no belly button in sight.
I gave a condensed version of the story and the general consensus was âbro, sick.â Except for one guy, who looked utterly horrified.
âWait,â he said slowly, something clearly dawning on him, âhow are you going to have kids?â
This threw me for a second, but Iâm used to being asked that question - my abdomen is full of scar tissue, Iâm missing some key organs, the medicine Iâm taking to stay in remission is a known abortifacient and I may well not be able to have children. Iâve discussed it before, but generally not with strangers.
âUh,â I replied. âWell, thatâs a complicated question. There are a lot of factors and I donât really know.â
âNo, no,â he insisted. âYou donât have a belly button.â
âIsnât that how the baby⊠you know, eats?â
âSo like, the baby couldnât get food. Because thereâs nowhere for the umbilical cord to connect.â
âWait,â I said, deeply confused. âLike, how was I born? This is recent, I was born with a belly button. I lost it like fourteen years after being born, there wasnât a conflict.â
âNo, I get that, but if you had a baby, there would be nowhere for the umbilical cord to connect and it wouldnât get food. You donât have a belly button so thereâs nowhere to connect.â
I paused for a second, the realization dawning on me that this guy had a winning combination of no boundaries and literally no idea how pregnancy worked.
âDude,â another guy cut in, âthatâs not how it works.â
âThatâs how babies get belly buttons, man,â the first guy insisted.
âThe umbilical cord is a source of nutrients, yeah, but theyâre stored in the placenta,â I offered. âThatâs a totally different organ.â
âThen why do the mom and the baby both have belly buttons?â
The second guy was getting kind of upset, but I was totally beyond that - this guy had graduated high school and was heading off to college to study political science and didnât have a clue where babies come from. It was actually comical.
I decided to interrupt and change the subject before anything got heated.
âWhat do you want to do after college?â I asked the first guy.
âOh, I donât know. I guess I just want to be a politician - like, public policy, that sort of thing. Run for office, you know.â
And then the entire exchange made sense.