Kerma B

Writer. Artist. My own illustrator. Find my art here: https://www.deviantart.com/rafun1312

[primarybufferpanel]

I love a highly specific pet advert

[elen-aranel]

@elodieunderglass are they looking for the polar opposite of O Holy Thunder?

[elodieunderglass]

Apparently, and I want to see the candidate videos!

[fuckyeahchinesefashion]

OP breaks down how online influencers make form-fitting clothes look more appealing and drive sales

[starburst2000]

She went from Jessica Rabbit to Olive Oyl.

[beatrice-otter]

If you want the Jessica Rabbit look, you are much more likely to get it by strategically padding yourself out than by any other method, including a dress that looks like Jessica Rabbit on someone else.

And the thing is, up through the 19th Century, people knew it. If you want a specific silhouette, okay, fine, you use corsets and strategic padding and bum rolls and hoop skirts or whatever you need to achieve that silhouette.

Now we think that you should achieve that look by "diet and exercise" and plastic surgery.

I don't think this is a step forward ...

[prismatic-bell]

I think it would be a step forward if we admitted that's what we were doing.

[igneousbody]

"In the 1960s, after his seminal work on barn owls, Roger Payne switched his attention to whales. In 1971, he published two historic papers. (...) The second showed that fin whales—the second-largest animals after blue whales—make extremely low-pitched calls that can be heard across entire oceans. It nearly destroyed Payne’s career.

That controversial paper was born of the Cold War. To listen for Soviet submarines, the U.S. Navy installed chains of underwater listening posts in the Pacific and Atlantic. This network, known as the Sound Surveillance System, or SOSUS, picked up a deluge of oceanic noises. Some were clearly biological. Others were more mysterious. One especially enigmatic sound was monotonous, repetitive, and low, with a frequency of 20 Hz—an octave below the lowest key on a standard piano. This hum was so loud that people doubted it could be coming from an animal. Did it have a military origin? Was it produced by underwater tectonic activity? Did it come from waves crashing on some distant shoreline? The actual source only became clear when Navy scientists started following the sounds to their sources, and often found a fin whale at the end.

Human hearing typically bottoms out at around 20 Hz. Below those frequencies, sounds are known as infrasound, and they’re mostly inaudible to us unless they’re very loud. Infrasounds can travel over incredibly long distances, especially in water. Knowing that fin whales also produce infrasound, Payne calculated, to his shock, that their calls could conceivably travel for 13,000 miles. No ocean is that wide. Together with oceanographer Douglas Webb, Payne published his calculations, speculating that the largest whales “may be in tenuous acoustic contact throughout a relatively enormous volume of ocean.” The response was brutal. Leading whale researchers told him that his paper was pure fantasy. Colleagues hinted that critics had been questioning his mental health behind his back. “When you get to distances like that, people just refuse to believe that it’s true,” Payne tells me.

Payne’s work made a more positive impression on Chris Clark. A young acoustician and former choirboy, Clark was recruited by Roger and Katy Payne to be a sound technician on a 1972 trip to Argentina to study right whales. It was a thrilling and formative time. Camped on a beach beneath the Southern Cross, with penguins bumbling past and albatrosses wheeling overhead, Clark began listening to whales. He placed hydrophones in the water to eavesdrop on their songs and found ways of assigning specific recordings to individual whales. He went on to compile libraries of whale calls, recorded all over the world, from Argentina to the Arctic. And all the while, Payne’s idea of giant whales talking over oceans stuck with him.

In the 1990s, with the Cold War over and the threat of Soviet subs diminished, the Navy offered Clark and others a chance to observe real-time recordings from their SOSUS hydrophones. Amid the spectrograms—visual representations of the sounds that SOSUS picked up—Clark saw the unmistakable signal of a singing blue whale. On his first day, Clark saw that more blue whale vocalizations had been recorded from a single SOSUS sensor than had been described before in the entire scientific literature. The ocean was awash with their calls, and those calls were coming in from enormous distances. Clark calculated that one individual was 1,500 miles from the sensor that recorded it. He could listen to whales singing in Ireland with a microphone situated off Bermuda. “I just thought: Roger was right,” he says. “It is physically possible to detect a blue whale singing across an ocean basin.” (...)

Although blue and fin whale songs can traverse oceans, no one knows if the whales actually communicate at such ranges. It’s possible that they’re signaling to nearby individuals with very loud calls, which just happen to extend further afield. But Clark points out that they repeat the same notes, over and over again, and at very precise intervals. A singing whale will stop calling when it surfaces for air, and come back on the beat when it submerges. “That’s not arbitrary,” he says. It reminds him of the redundant and repetitive signals that Martian rovers use to beam data back to Earth. If you wanted to design a signal that could be used to communicate across oceans, you’d come up with something similar to a blue whale’s song.

Those songs might have other uses, too. Their notes can last for several seconds, with wavelengths as long as a football field. Clark once asked a Navy friend what he could do with such a call. “I could illuminate the ocean,” the friend replied. That is, he could map distant underwater landscapes, from submerged mountains to the seafloor itself, by processing the echoes returning from the far-reaching infrasounds. Geophysicists can certainly use fin whale songs to map the density of the ocean crust. But can the whales do so?

Clark sees evidence in their movements. Through SOSUS, he has seen blue whales emerging in polar waters between Iceland and Greenland and making a beeline—a whaleline?—for tropical Bermuda, singing all the way. He has seen whales slaloming between underwater mountain ranges, zigging and zagging between landmarks hundreds of miles apart. “When you watch these animals move, it’s as if they have an acoustic map of the oceans,” he says. He also suspects that the animals can build up such maps over their long lives, accruing sound-based memories that lurk in their mind’s ear. After all, Clark recalls veteran sonar specialists telling him that different parts of the sea had their own distinctive sounds. “They said: If you put a pair of headphones on me, I can tell you if I’m near Labrador or off the Bay of Biscay,” says Clark. “I thought that if a human being could do this in 30 years, what could an animal do with 10 million years?”

The scale of a whale’s hearing is hard to grapple with. There’s the spatial vastness, of course, but also an expanse of time. Underwater, sound waves take just under a minute to cover 50 miles. If a whale hears the song of another whale from a distance of 1,500 miles, it’s really listening back in time by about half an hour, like an astronomer gazing upon the ancient light of a distant star. If a whale is trying to sense a mountain 500 miles away, it has to somehow connect its own call with an echo that arrives 10 minutes later. That might seem preposterous, but consider that a blue whale’s heart beats around 30 times a minute at the surface, and can slow to just 2 beats a minute on a dive. They surely operate on very different timescales than we do. If a zebra finch hears beauty in the milliseconds within a single note, perhaps a blue whale does the same over seconds and minutes. To imagine their lives, “you have to stretch your thinking to completely different levels of dimension,” Clark tells me. He compares the experience to looking at the night sky through a toy telescope and then witnessing its full majesty through NASA’s spaceborne Hubble telescope. When he thinks about whales, the world feels bigger, stretching out in space and time.

Whales weren’t always big. They evolved from small, hoofed, deer-like animals that took to the water around 50 million years ago. Those ancestral creatures probably had vanilla mammalian hearing. But as they adapted for an aquatic life, one group of them—the filter-feeding mysticetes, which include blues, fins, and humpbacks—shifted their hearing to low infrasonic frequencies. At the same time, their bodies ballooned into some of the largest Earth has ever seen. These changes are probably connected. The mysticetes achieved their huge size by evolving a unique style of feeding, which allows them to subsist upon tiny crustaceans called krill. Accelerating into a krill swarm, a blue whale expands its mouth to engulf a volume of water as large as its own body, swallowing half a million calories in one gulp. But this strategy comes at a cost. Krill aren’t evenly distributed across the oceans, so to sustain their large bodies, blue whales must migrate over long distances. The same giant proportions that force them to undergo these long journeys also equip them with the means to do so—the ability to make and hear sounds that are lower, louder, and more far-reaching than those of other animals.

Back in 1971, Roger Payne speculated that foraging whales could use these sounds to stay in touch over long distances. If they simply called when fed and stayed silent when hungry, they could collectively comb an ocean basin for food and home in on bountiful areas that lucky individuals have found. A whale pod, Payne suggested, might be a massively dispersed network of acoustically connected individuals, which seem to be swimming alone but are actually together."

- Ed Yong, An Immense World : How Animal Senses Reveal the Hidden Realms Around Us

[andmaybegayer]

measure once cut also once, no prablem

[andmaybegayer]

#i know i already reblogged this but i need to like. cross stitch it or carve it into wood or quilt it or something

concept for a vcarving project

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

no i get you this was perfectly centered when i wrote it

[shaydh]

I have done the cross stitch

[poolboydivision]

in honor of all the times I've made this mistake irl

[makeitdewey]

702 Miscellany of fine and decorative arts

[diaryofandnwoman]

[cbarc]

okay let’s get all this straight.

the FIRST figure skating backflip was performed by this guy Terry Kubicka

now Terry landed his flip at the Olympics in ‘76 and in ‘77 the backflip was quickly deemed illegal in this level of figure skating as it was considered dangerous and, some argue more crucially, couldn’t be landed on one foot, as is the required landing for all other figure skating jumps

Fast forward to 1998 at the Olympics once more and French skater Surya Bonaly.

It is widely discussed and disputed as to whether Surya was historically underscored by American judges. She won five straight gold medals in the European championships from ‘90 to ‘95 but couldn’t break past 4th place at two Olympics during this period of time. It was at her 3rd Olympic Games she pulled out her backflip and crucially landed it on one foot.

The one foot landing was seen as the big obstacle in the way of the backflip being legalised. That and its danger level. In the time between Kubicka and Bonaly however many skater had already added two foot landed flips to their performance routines (ie not scored competitions)

Some people see this as the moment the backflip should had been legalised in competitive figure skating. Many skaters had executed it safely and Bonaly proved she could accomplish the one foot landing. Bonaly placed 10th at this Olympics, incurring harsh deductions for the illegal backflip. The backflip was at no point considered in contention for legality despite Bonaly’s accomplishments, (one of which being the first female skater to land a quad jump at the Olympics). Her Olympic backflip was seen as a middle finger to Olympic judges and the stringently unprogressive nature of the sport. There were more moments than this throughout her career such as her initial refusal to mount the second place podium at the ‘94 worlds for reasons unclear. There are rumours of her ‘throwing tantrums’ or being ungrateful, and while this may be true, it’s not an uncommon sight in the world of figure skating, and given how black women are still treated in sports today, especially those that take physical appearance and body lines into account, it is undoubted that Bonaly faced racial bias during her professional career.

Surya Bonaly continued to preform her now signature one footed backflip in performances. And the backflip remained illegal in competition.

Within the conversation about Olympic figure skating backflips, there is one skater who may well be the most overlooked. The one who got the committees to legalise it! And that would be this guy, Adam Siao Him Fa

At the 2024 worlds he told himself if he skated his routine clean he would finish with a backflip, a move he had been practicing with his coaches despite it still being an illegal move. Fa did skate clean, and did preform his backflip, and so incurred the mandatory penalty of a 2 point deduction for the use of an illegal manoeuvre.

In a figure skating full circle moment, one of the judges on the panel for that competition, was Terry Kubicka himself. Almost 50 years on from his backflip he has since commentated on the irony of seeing the move he began in the 70’s and being required to deduct points for it. This two point deduction wouldn’t stop Fa from still claiming the gold medal that year. He preformed an illegal move at the end of a perfect routine and took the gold. Mere months after this at a scheduled review the backflip was removed from the group of illegal moves. It would not be granted any technical points like other jumps but would no longer incur a two point deduction.

Today at the Olympic Games in 2026, Ilia Malinin, thanks to these three (and many more performance skaters) before him has landed the first backflip at the Olympics since it’s legalisation.

So to wrap up.

First backflip (two foot) - Terry Kubicka - move made illegal

First backflip (one foot) - Surya Bonaly - move still illegal

Legalisation turning point - Adam Siao Him Fa - move made legal

First fully legal backflip - Ilia Malinin - flip still does not score points

In the future personally I hope to see the flip be utilised by more and more skaters, be given a score, and personal creativity to be more welcomed into the sport, because really we could have had 50 years of Olympic Backflips at this point.

[boomer-mythology-destroyer]

[kedreeva]

@teameagleworks

[zaolat]

This video has been getting AI accusations and it isn't! All these types of woods exist! Though some of them are local names, I was able to track all of them down! Here are all the woods shown in the video!

Purpleheart Wood: Peltogyne genus, native to Central and South American rainforests. Freshly cut it's light brown, then turns into rich shades of purple. It turns brown in UV light so it has to be finished with a UV inhibitor to keep those gorgeous colors.

Namnu (various): A type of precious wood found in China/South Asia, sourced from various different species of trees, hence the different examples shown here. High grades of the wood are known for the optical effect shown in the video. Unfortunately the types of trees that produce the wood are all critically endangered, which is why the examples shown are all items or pillars or fragments of pieces. The species are all strictly protected and new trees cannot be harvested.

That example in the video is just that one video that goes around with the inside of a tree that's been struck burning while it still stands, but sometimes trees that have been struck by lightning and are cut down can have neat burn patterns in the wood (example), as the lightning goes to ground, so some people might want that. Who am I to judge.

Chicken-blood vine wood: Species is Spatholobus suberectus and it's only that bright when it's cut, it dries to a more woody color. Here's a page with examples of what the wood looks like when it's dried and some things made with it.

Amber wood: This one took a while. There's a video out there claiming this is "petrified amber wood". That's not possible, I'm a geologist I would know. Since the video is in Chinese originally I presume, "amber wood" must be a translated local name. It's sandalwood, which has that gorgeous bright red color. Even tracked down the video the clip is taken from. "Chandan wood" is another name for sandalwood. Which smells amazing.

Rosewood: The most well known of the woods here in my opinion. There's a number of rosewoods, all in various shades of pinks and reds. True rosewoods are from the genus Dalbergia. Sadly they're all endangered, but illegal harvesting continues.

Purple hainan huanghuali: Dalbergia odorifera, the Chinese rosewood.

Pink oak - Likely pink ivory (Phyllogeiton zeyheri). You need a permit to cut down one of these trees, but it really is that pink. One of the most expensive woods in the world, up there with sandalwood.

Burmese huanghuali: Rosewood...3! This is either Dalbergia oliveri or Pterocarpus indicus, but given that Pterocarpus indicus is descripted as having purplish heartwood, I'm guessing it's Dalbergia oliveri. Though it's not a true rosewood, Pterocarpus indicus is also sadly endangered.

Liudao wood: This is Abelia biflora, though it looks like it has been reclassified as Zabelia biflora recently. Either it only looks like that when the bark is being peeled or it's the lighting in the videos. BUT this wood is used in making Buddhist prayer beads because of both its grain pattern connects to philosophy and its mention in Tibetan Buddhist texts.

[kedreeva]

Thank you for all that work!! I recognized some of the woods (since my siblings in law woodwork) but not all of them, and was going to look into them when I woke up, but you've gone and brought up all the treasure from the rabbit hole!

[primarybufferpanel]

[pantserspen]

How to Fix Underwriting

1. Slow down at emotionally important moments.

Big emotions need space to land. If a scene feels rushed, pause the plot briefly to show how the moment affects the character.

2. Add reactions, not explanations.

Instead of explaining what a character feels, show it through physical responses, hesitation, or small actions that reveal emotion naturally.

3. Ground every scene in the senses.

If a scene feels thin, add one or two sensory details—sound, texture, smell, or temperature—to make the moment feel lived-in.

4. Let thoughts interrupt action.

A line of internal thought can deepen a scene without slowing it too much. Thoughts show stakes, fear, longing, or conflict beneath the action.

5. Expand consequences, not events.

You don’t need more things to happen—you need to show what matters. Focus on how events change relationships, decisions, or self-perception.

6. Strengthen setting where emotion peaks.

The environment should echo or contrast the emotion of the scene. Setting is not decoration—it’s emotional reinforcement.

7. Add specific details instead of general ones.

Underwriting often relies on vague language. Swap “they argued” for one sharp line of dialogue or a specific breaking point.

8. Let dialogue breathe.

Short dialogue exchanges without pauses can feel flat. Add beats—silence, gestures, interruptions—to give the conversation weight.

9. Show transitions between scenes.

If scenes jump too quickly, readers feel disoriented. A brief transition helps establish time, mood, and emotional continuity.

10. Clarify stakes early in the scene.

If readers don’t know what can be lost, scenes feel empty. Make sure the character wants something specific and fears losing it.

11. Use the “what are they feeling right now?” check.

After each major beat, ask what emotion is dominant in that moment. If it’s missing on the page, the scene is likely underwritten.

12. Expand scenes that feel “too clean.”

If a scene resolves too neatly or quickly, it probably needs more tension. Messy emotions and unresolved feelings add depth.

[sheikonfleek]

“You need to believe in things that aren’t true. How else can they become” - Hogfather, Terry Pratchett

[captainlordauditor]

it’s seasonal lads

[captainlordauditor]

IT’S SEASONAL AGAIN LADS

[terrible-tentacle-theatre]

‘Tis the season so I’ll reblog my absolute favorite Terry Pratchett quote ever

Happy holidays folks

[otatma]

welp

[variablejabberwocky]

#The wisdom#The kind that sits on your chest heavily#And you don’t so much get over it as you learn to keep existing with its weight

[homunculus-argument]

There's no greeting more unnerving than some variation of "I'm glad that you, specifically, are here". The fuck you mean thank goodness I'm here. Wdfym I'm just the man you wanted to see. No version of that is a good thing.

It either means that someone just found a huge problem and already figured out that I somehow caused it, or that someone found a huge problem and figured that I could somehow fix it. Worst case scenario, it's both.

[panerasexual-deactivated2017100]

drop whatever you’re doing right now and climb a tree

[nintendowii2011]

its pitch black outside, and freezing cold. I think ill climb a tree tomorrow

[panerasexual-deactivated2017100]

you climb that fuckin tree right now

[likes-dinos]

I’ve literally never seen this post on my dash when it is not after dark and cold as balls. I’m beginning to think this is a conspiracy to get us eaten by some nocturnal tree demon.

[the-place-where]

everybody put in the tags at what time you saw this

[elumish]

As a continuation of my "people are bad at writing training in books" saga, I think there's an impulse especially when writing low-technology fantasy to equate "can fight good as an individual" with "good at military stuff" or even "good at fighting alongside other people" and those are not really equivalent.

Even ignoring that many main characters end up in leadership roles as a result of their good fighting, and the fact that a strategic understanding of military or paramilitary tactics isn't really tied to how good you are with a sword, the goals and requirements for fighting in a military or paramilitary group are often fundamentally different than fighting as an individual.

If your character is really good with a sword, it doesn't necessarily mean that they know how to fight while in close proximity to allies, for example, or how to follow orders, or how to give orders, or how to hold or advance on a position, etc.

What ends up happening with some books is people have their character learn what may be very impressive martial arts such that they can match with any other character--and then drop them in some sort of military or paramilitary setting and just sort of pretend that the character either doesn't need any other skill involved in fighting in a group or gleaned them magically via osmosis.

If you are writing a character who ends up fighting as part of a group, I recommend doing research on things like basic training, law enforcement training, etc. and seeing how people train or have historically trained for different types of fighting.

Your character doesn't need to get that training, necessarily, but it does often read as a little silly when a book pretends that Spars Good is a functional equivalent for it.

[waterandsilver]

crazy how the printer is the only piece of tech that acts up like that almost every day of its life. and we just accept it

[waterandsilver]

i don't think i've ever met a printer that actually wanted to be a printer. i think most printers have dreams of being on the stage

[in-the-drowning-deep]

I met a printer early in my IT career that did not want to be a printer. it sat in a school reprographics room, sullenly chewing any job it was fed - if it deigned to notice them at all.

then one day, a miracle occurred. an exhausted physics teacher, instead of punching in 12 for the number of copies she wanted of the 30-page booklet she had made for her A-level physics class, punched in 1200.

and that printer came to life. this print job was its moment, its magnum opus! it WOULD NOT be parted from it, no matter what we did, until we physically unplugged it from the wall, by which time it had printed almost 200 copies.

moral of the story: no printer wants to be a printer, unless you also do not want it to be a printer for a bit.

[netherworldpost]

printers do not want to be printers because they want to be problems

[elumish]

Actually I keep complaining about operational worldbuilding, so here are some recommendations for it:

Ask yourself "what is this organization accomplishing" and "would this organization, as written, accomplish that thing?" For example, magic academies/schools/universities for adults: what are they training their students for? Is it more like a vocational school or a university? Are students being trained for specific jobs? Is it a training for government? Is it primarily a place to foist the idle rich off to to get them out of the way? For a military training, is the goal primarily training or a weeding out process? Is it basic training or specialized training? If someone fails out of the training, do they end up in the regular forces or do they fail out of the military entirely?

Ask yourself "how did this practice come to be?" For example, a trial or competition system: why was this system established? Do the requirements for the trial/competition match what the end result is (e.g., fighting competition to win a fighting position)? If not (e.g., scavenger heart to become the consort), why is that the competition that is used? Do the potential outcomes of the trial (e.g., death) merit the rewards for it?

Ask yourself "if this system is horrible, why do people put up with it?" For example, a school or organization where people are allowed to attack and/or kill each other: why is it allowed to continue? Why do people send their children or voluntarily join it? If it is mandatory, do people fight against it, and if not, why not?

[atlas-the-worldbuilder]

Just as a side note, this isn't saying you have to have organizations that perfectly answer these criteria. Think about how things are in the real world - very rarely do things make logical sense, and when that happens, there are people who bring attention to it.

Maybe there's a protest group complaining about how magic school doesn't prepare them for society? Maybe there's people looking to cheat the trials? Maybe murder school is training its students to kill protesters who want to shut it down?

Look hard enough, and you can find a story just about anywhere!

[elumish]

Just to clarify, these are questions, not criteria. Specifically, these are questions that you (the author) should be asking yourself when you are writing.

You don't need to write a good organization, or even a functional one, but it really does help to know the answer to things like "what is the purpose of this organization?" and "does this organization accomplish that purpose?"

The answer to the latter question can be no. But you (the author) should make it no on purpose.

If an organization is stupid or pointless or ineffective or counterproductive, or a practice is awful or useless or cruel or being subverted, you (the author) should know that it is, and why.

[ao3commentoftheday]

memes are fun and relatable and all that, but don't let them discourage you. all of that stuff that doesn't make it into the final product is part of how the final product gets made

[elumish]

I'm reading a romantasy series that I am actually enjoying a remarkable amount, but it is reminding me of an issue I see a lot of stories have:

Everything gets resolved a little too easily.

I think there's a continuum of how difficult it is for characters to resolve problems, and on one (bad) end is "characters beating their head against a wall fruitlessly for ages only to break through it by sheer force of headbutting to discover another worse wall" and on the other (bad) end is "everything characters attempt to do succeeds the first time with limited negative consequences."

The problem with the first one is that the story at some point starts to just become an exercise in frustration--everything fails and any victory is so pyrrhic that it just becomes sort of miserable to read.

The problem with the second one is that it does away with a lot of narrative tension. It's clear at this point that everyone has plot armor and nothing worse than status quo is going to last very long, and so the reader stops going into any new scene with the concern that any action or decision has any risk to it. The reader already knows that things will work out, because that's how it's gone for the last 3.5 books, basically without fail.

[tinyyellowflowers-blog]

During lockdown I worked on two projects: one was a ditch that needed to be cleared out of tules and cattails but turtles lived there. So I’d follow the excavator scooping out the vegetation and make sure no turtles were trapped in it, and if they were, freeing them and putting them in a safe part of the ditch. It’s extremely muddy, sticky work. Hold on, I have a photo of one of the guys:

No one is having a good time.

The OTHER project was going to destroy rare salamander habitat and so we had to buy some appropriate habitat. But every mitigation bank was sold out. I found a guy selling future mitigation bank credits through the powers of making a lot of phone calls and then, through the power of polite requests, got our Wildlife Agency rep to sign off on this plan. Except. You can’t say “I gave seven figures to a guy who promises to someday make habitat”, that guy could abscond. You also can’t be like “I supes promise to pay for mitigation AFTER the project.” because WE could not pay out. We were, for various reasons, disinclined to delay the project. The Wildlife Agency rep — bless her, she really held my hand through this whole process — was like “how about you put the money in escrow?” Great. A plan.

So I call an escrow company — which was not an organization used to being cold-called, much less by someone standing next to an excavator, covered in mud. I was trying to provide only the information needed to enable success and NOT go on a five-ten minute rant on salamander life cycles. Also I was DEEPLY out of my depth.

“Hi! I was wondering if you could hold money in an escrow account for a longer period?”

“… Well, in some circumstances we can hold it for up to 90 days — but we’d need to know the circumstances.”

“Ah! I need someone to hold it for up to two years? Do you know of any companies who’d be able to help me?”

“What. What is happening with the house that this is necessary?”

“Oh uh. It’s not a house, per se, it’s a rare salamander mitigation bank. It needs to be built.”

“The salamanders need a custom house?”

“No no no no no uh. They need a pond. We’re paying someone to make a pond. But! They need time to make the pond. Hence the escrow account. So. Who could?”

“So like a lizard house?”

“They are amphibians?”

“Let me. Transfer you to my supervisor.”

<after a pause a different person comes on the line but also unfortunately at this moment the excavator operator fishes a turtle out of the ditch.>

“Hi! Sorry one second I need to put down the phone to help a turtle.” <interlude> “Thank you so much for waiting! I’m back! Can you talk to me about escrow options?”

“What was happening with the turtle?”

“Oh it was trapped in some cattails but I got it out. Sorry for putting down the phone — you need both hands to grab them because they bite! I need an escrow account to hold funds for up to two years?”

“For a house for lizards? Are you a zoo?”

“Ah! Salamanders, actually! And a mitigation bank, not a house. I actually work for X organization.”

“What is a mitigation bank?” (The critical question!)

“Oh when you’re building something and need to impact some rare species habitat you can pay someone to make new rare species habitat.”

“Huh.”

“But this habitat is incomplete! It doesn’t have a pond. So my organization won’t pay until AAAAAAAAA excuse me sorry I fell into a ditch. My organization needs there to be a pond there before they pay for the property. So one path forward is an escrow account.”

“Are you OK?”

“Yes absolutely!”

“What’s the cost of this bank?”

“Two million dollars.”

<the tenor of the conversation became markedly warmer at this point.>

“OK if you get my your contact information then I’ll email you some options and then we can discuss — do you have time now?”

“Unfortunately I do not have email access right this second. Also I need to get out of the ditch. Could we put a pin in this conversation and circle back tomorrow?”

“Of course, I look forward to working with your organization?”

“Thank you so much!”

“Good luck with the. Ditch. And turtles?”

“Thank you! Have a great day!”

[baronfulmen]

this sounds like a pain in the ass, I'm not sure I want to navigate -did you say two million dollars that we get to skim interest from for a while two years holy shit how can I help you

[e-seal-deactivated20210319]

Necromancer that doesn’t know they’re a necromancer and thinks they’re just a really good emt

[raimagnolia]

That is the funniest thing i have ever read

[ofgeography]

the thing was, she wasn’t going to be able to pass the recertification exam, and she couldn’t figure out why. annabelle studied. she practiced. she pulled out every trick and shortcut she’d learned during her two years as an EMT and none of it worked. she just – she didn’t get it. it made no sense.

“wake up,” she urged the dummy, pressing her hands to the pulse points on its wrists. “come on. what the fuck.”

“yeah, i don’t think that asking nicely is going to do the trick,” hank said, his eyebrows raised. his helmet, the special one they’d decorated for him with craft supplies from michael’s when he’d gotten promoted to firestation chief, sat askew on his head. “i can see now why they didn’t pass you.”

annabelle rolled her eyes. “it’s a psychological thing,” she said. “it’s like, you give the brain an instruction and it follows naturally. and the pulse-point thing always works. i don’t know why it’s not, like, in any of the books, but i swear to god it’s worked for me every time.”

it was true that annabelle had the best record on low body counts, which was good because she was the smallest person on the team not counting Georgie, who was a corgi. jake and lillian were always making fun of her for having been the shortest of their whole rookie class. but it hadn’t ever been a problem before; annabelle rarely had to carry anybody out, because she was good enough at getting them on their feet.

but none of that would matter if she couldn’t pass her stupid recertification exam, because they’d take her badge and she’d have to go be, like, a doctor or something.

hank blew out a long breath and sunk down to where she was kneeling on the station floor in full fire gear, giving CPR to the practice dummy, whom they called dierdre. there was a little light that went on when you’d saved its life. it had been a dull gray for an hour now.

“look, AB. i know you’re a good firefighter, and i know you know how to deliver CPR. just do it like you do it during an emergency. you’re overthinking it.”

“but this is what i do during an emergency!” annabelle cried, throwing her hands up. “i put my hands on their pulse points and i use psychological mumbo-jumbo and they just get up and walk!” 

hank blinked. “…really,” he said, voice flat. “people who’ve been inhaling smoke for half an hour just … get up and walk.”

“the brain is an incredibly powerful organ,” said annabelle, shrugging. “look man, i don’t know, okay? but it works. i haven’t had to actually do CPR in like a year and a half.”

he gave her a long, quiet look and said, “well….huh,” before pushing himself back up onto his feet and frowning off into the distance. “keep practicing,” he said after a minute, and left her there.

-

hank switched her team.

“what the fuck, man,” she said, sliding into the truck next to him as the sirens went on. “i can’t get CPR on one fucking dummy and suddenly you don’t trust me to do my job without supervision?”

carl and bethany very carefully did not meet her eyes in the rearview from the backseat. bethany pulled a magazine from beneath the seat and said loudly, “look, carl, jennifer aniston and brad pitt are getting back together.”

“thank christ,” said carl. “i’ve been really worried about jen.”

hank gave annabelle the flat look that had gotten him promoted to firestation chief in the first place, the one that said i’m your dad and you don’t want to disappoint me. as always, annabelle wilted underneath it, sliding down in her seat and crossing her arms over her chest. it was a difficult feat in full gear but she wanted him to know she was feeling sullen.

“i trust you completely,” hank told her, his voice a light scold. “i want to see you in action so i can help you figure out what’s going wrong with the dummies. sometimes it’s hard for the brain to accurately remember everything that happens during a crisis.”

annabelle rolled her eyes. “i told you,” she said. “it’s just – it’s the same thing every time, I’m not like, blacking out.”

“great, then i’m about to learn a cool new trick,” hank said serenely, and pulled the truck out of the lot. annabelle kept her gaze focused out of the window, watching the city pass as carl and bethany talked loudly about which celebrities were dating which other celebrities and who wore what better. she tried to swallow down the nerves that tightened her throat. maybe the dummy was right. maybe she was doing something else and didn’t remember it. maybe the last two years had been a fluke and she had no business being a firefighter. maybe she was about to get fired.

there wasn’t a fire, though the alarm was going off. instead they found a bag of smoking popcorn and the collapsed heap of a forty-five year old bachelor type, down to just his boxers and a pair of slippers with llamas on them. he had no pulse. 

hank held carl and bethany back, directing them to deal with the smoke from the popcorn; annabelle he pointed toward the resident with a jerk of his chin. 

she sighed, kneeling by his side. she pressed her hands flat to his heart and then dragged them across his chest and down each arm, to his wrists. with her thumbs on his pulse point, she hissed, “let’s go, man. up and at ’em. you’re not meant to die in your underwear while cooking popcorn, come on.”

she held her breath for a few moments, conscious of hank’s eyes on her, and let out a long sigh of relief when she felt his pulse jump beneath her, watched his eyes flicker. “what the fuck?” he asked, voice a croak. “what happened?”

“you gotta eat more vegetables, bud,” annabelle told him, and looped his arm over her shoulders to help him get to his feet. she was so relieved she could have wept, but instead met hank’s eyes with a challenging glare. see? she thought. i told you. “let’s get you to the ambulance.”

-

“the bad news is that you have a lot of practicing to do if you want to pass your recert,” hank said without preamble, showing up at her apartment. she didn’t think she’d ever seen him in jeans before. it was weird. “the good news is i understand your problem now.”

annabelle stepped aside, beckoning him in. “what problem?” she demanded. “it worked! you saw it work. that’s the opposite of a problem.”

hank shrugged. he handed her a trifold that he’d clearly printed off at home. it said so you think you’re a necromancer. annabelle blinked down at it, and then up at hank, and then down at the trifold again. “i … don’t understand what’s happening here,” she told him honestly. 

“i’m not in the community and they’re kind of cagey, so i can’t really tell you a lot,” hank told her, stilted and visibly uncomfortable. “but i have a cousin who is, and um, i just want you to know that this doesn’t change anything. you’re still who you’ve always been and you have my complete support. we’ll figure out how to get around the recert. maybe i’ll – i can put you on admin duty to give you time to study. we’ll say it’s because of an injury.”

“hank,” annabelle said, with some urgency. “hank, this flier says the word necromancer.”

“yes,” agreed hank, looking relieved. “oh, good, you’ve heard of it already. i thought i was going to have to have the whole your body is changing talk.”

annabelle shook her head. “no, i – hank. you know that … um, you know that necromancy isn’t real, right? people can’t bring other people back from the dead. that’s crazy.”

“annabelle, not four hours ago you instructed a dead man to stand up and he did.”

“okay, he wasn’t dead, obviously. he was almost dead, at best.”

“no. he was dead.”

“i felt his pulse! it was very faint!”

“you called his pulse. no one else would have felt it, because it wasn’t there except in response to you.”

“hank, what the fuck.”

he shrugged. “read the flier,” he instructed. “and bring dierdre home with you. you’re going to have to practice a lot if you want to get recertified, considering you haven’t one time had to use any of the skills you learned the first go around.”

he bussed her temple as he went by, letting himself out of her apartment with a friendly wave. annabelle looked down at the flier in her hand with a frown. when she unfolded it, the first page said, everyone’s necromancy journey is different, but most people discover their gift by accident. have you ever brought a pet back to life? touched an elderly relatives hand and seen some of the color flood back into their face? or perhaps, more subtly, been able to keep cut flowers alive long past their purchase date?

annabelle looked at her kitchen table. she’d had the same vase of tulips on it since she moved in, three years ago. it was true they periodically started to wilt, but she usually just changed their water and they were fine, popping back up one after the other as she slid them into the fresh vase. 

“well shit,” annabelle said, letting the flier fall from her hands.

[deepestangelcollective]

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