A Glass Prison

Once something is said, it becomes true and one can never undo what our words have just created. The mouth is an artist with permanent tools creating unchangable realities; a master of two extremes: construction and destruction. What, then, does that make the mind?

[khailiemarie]

These are things I keep to myself until I feel comfortable. Comfortable not only with my understanding, because I still have yet to learn, but comfortable with my ability to portray on words what exactly is my understanding of it in the moment.

You know how they say misery loves company? I feel like that was a saying made up by someone who doesn't understand. Misery doesn't love company. No; misery loves understanding. Sometimes people feel miserable. Its not that they want a room full of people who are miserable too. We just want someone who understands our misery. Someone who is or has felt what we are feeling right now. Yes we want someone to feel miserable with us, but we don't want someone who is satisfied with being miserable with. We want someone to cope with. Someone who is willing to scream or cry or throw things. But most importantly, we want someone to get up with. Someone who, maybe in the middle of it all, we can burst out into laughter with. We don't want to feel miserable but we do. What we want is someone who feels that exact type of misery to feel it with so together we can get through it and feel better. Cliche sayings are always taken out of context. Yes, I guess, misery loves company but that is because we don't want to feel it alone. What if going through our misery in solitude leaves our misery to become a state of being. We dont want to BE miserable; we just feel it right now. We want someone to feel it with so we have someone to come out of it with. Misery doesnt love company. Misery just doesn't want to feel miserable alone. We want a backup reason to help or encourage us to come out of our misery. People should be allowed to feel all of their emotions fully so that we truly understand them but you should always go into unmarked territory with a buddy. Everyone knows that.

[khailiemarie]

"It's only been a week; it will get better."

This is my hiding place.. a place that I can voice the thoughts I keep secret for fear of being misunderstood. Thoughts I don't want to share but want people to know they are thought of or felt. Better yet, this is my feeling place.

My dad died.

It's all I can ever form to say. I can't find it in me to describe the feelings I have because I have walls built around them. Walls that tell me, he wasn't just my dad, walls that tell me I shouldn't make this about me. But I'm not doing so well. I thought that he would get really old and need a caregiver, I thought that I would be the one to do it, take care of him until he passed. I thought I would be able to ensure his retirement. I thought a man who selflessly raised 6 children and stayed and loved a sociopath to ensure the love of those children would be rewarded with aging naturally and being loved and cared for in return as he passed on. I didn't think he would have a heart attack in a 7/11 and be gone before he hit the floor. And I am hurt and I am angry and I am lost and I keep telling myself to be quiet because my crying makes other people uncomfortable or interrupts my family's mourning. A piece of me is gone. Just like that. I'm told to listen to music because it would help, it doesnt. This is a level of depression that not even twenty one pilots can reach out to. A level of loneliness that no one can disprove or interrupt. I'm told to keep busy to take my mind off of it. I'm told all these things by people who don't even know how the mind inside of my brain works. There was only ever one person, one soul in existence who had the slightest grasp of understanding, who may have had a tip or advice that might actually be helpful and he is gone. And I know my world of peers and family is just trying to help, I know their intentions are good. But I'm sorry, I can't bring myself to care right now because I am so hurt and so distraught that I am numb. I don't want to do anything. I don't know what to do because the man who raised me and loved me truly, purely and unconditionally is gone so everything he put into me, all my character design that was made by him is up in the air because how does that live on when the designer is gone. Nevermore to adjust or correct or direct my being. A piece of me is lost. I hate when people say it will get better, I hate all those cliche sayings that people say because they don't know what else to say and they are just trying to be helpful. I'm sorry, it's not helpful, helpful would be bringing him back. If you can't do that, then what help are you to me? I understand this, I don't hold it against anyone, like I said I know their intentions. They are not bad or wrong but the reality is, there just isn't anything anyone can do. Nothing can heal this. All we can do is watch it bleed and hope the bleeding will stop. The truth is, bleeding only stops when you are dead and there is nothing left to bleed. So just give me time to figure out how to cover this up so none of us are in this awkward uncomfortable predicament. I just really miss my dad. My soul hurts, my body hurts, my mind hurts, my entire being hurts right now and there is nothing I can do to make that better. This is just a new level of hide and seek, I'll get better at hiding it, just give me time. I don't play with seekers, so don't worry, nothing is expected of anyone else.

[khailiemarie]

Soulmates

"I think I saw my soulmate once" he said it as if it were his last words but I knew it wasn't; there was so much more he had to tell. " She was beautiful, not to anyone in the room; she floated by ignored and unseen. It wasn't about her body shape or face or smile but the way all of those things wrapped around her soul. The way he hair swayed as she walked - even the strands that broke away from the masses and just floated with the almost non-existent current she pulled behind her. The way she microscopically frowned before she smiled and even right after. She always frowned after she smiled. It was almost as if she was ashamed in the slightest bit of happiness she could manage to find. She wasn't model status or anything like that. No one was flocking behind her with hopes of attracting her attention. She laughed, I didn't see it or hear it. I felt it though. The kind of feeling that makes every panic attack you've ever had finally making sense, like you finally understood why you had them in the first place because you heard violin music and looked up to see your bride coming down the isle. She laughed and I felt joy. For no reason at all my entire existence was filled with overflowing joy and I looked directly at her just in time to catch her smile fade into a frown. And just like that, my joy had dissipated back into an emptiness. I never met her though." For a long time that's all he said, the greatest love story I had ever heard and he just stopped in the middle of it. "When I was growing up I would have these causeless emotions consume me. I would feel happy with no thought that drove it, or sometimes, I would cry. I would weep endlessly and my soul would ache. I felt sad more often than not in my life. But just a glimpse of her and it all made sense. One of the boys at the bar had told the funniest joke I'd heard in a long time and I felt her laugh from the other side of the room. She never saw me and I never met her, but I knew, she was the one." I wanted so badly to ask what happened. My knuckles were white with the force I gripped on that park bench. He knew. He knew and he waited. He waited for what felt like forever and I was now feeling impatient with even the way the pigeons ate the bread crumbs he tossed at them. "I won't be coming back again. I spent the rest of my life running. The Dr said it's good therapy for depression. Why he gets paid to explain feelings I already understand, I don't know. But he tells me I'm wrong. He tells me she can't feel me running or laughing but he doesn't know. I know. They say my heart's failing. Failing, like it's a test, like it's purpose can be defined and graded. But it's not, my heart is fine. It's hers that is broken. It's hers that is failing, it's hers that is.... That is... Dying. All my years of running, I never felt happier. I never had more energy in my soul even when my body grew exhausted. Even when I would collapse retching cuz I pushed myself too hard. I felt joyous. I ran so my heart would beat so hard inside of her, she couldn't feel anything but it's lively love. I was never depressed... She was. I should have met her when I had the chance. She might have known what I did." The next day I came to the park only to find an empty bench. I sat down to feed the pigeons because I knew that they would miss him. Even if it were all fantasies, it gave him purpose. Love is a perfect purpose to serve. I grew to love that little old man and his desperate love stories so I fed his pigeons. I think I was too lost in thought to ever notice her sitting there. She was so frail but she glowed with unfailing happiness. She fell off her bench so I ran to see if she was ok. She wasn't. The ambulance drove her to the hospital and i sat in shock. She didn't survive, she was perfectly healthy but her heart just stopped. Death didn't scare me. But what she said... What she said terrified me. "He must be dying... I feel his heart slowing down" I run vigorously now. I tell myself jokes. I watch movies alone. I do everything to feed the purest emotions into this heart so that even if I never meet him, the soul on the other side will never ever leave me weeping as I feed the pigeons with a broken heart. I think I believe in soulmates. I know I no longer believe in mental/emotional ailments. Love is not an ailment, but I guess that's why they call it lovesick.

[khailiemarie]

She won't be controlled; she's not that type. If you try, she'll drop you and change her mind about everything she ever wanted just so you'll have no strings attached to her and see she's not your puppet. She's made up her mind of who she is and what she does, even when it changes, it's out of her own choice; she controls herself. That's why I just stand back and let her do her thing. She knows who she is.

Familiar Stranger

[khailiemarie]

Love everything with every part of yourself. Embrace the pain of a broken heart; it only breaks if it gives enough of itself to be thin and fragile. Give life your everything.

Nancy L Carter

[khailiemarie]

you stand there with your drink in hand too sober to sit, too drunk to stand so tell me, dear, where lies your logic?" "At the bottom of a bottle though I'm not quite sure which one I'll know it when they're hollow

Dialogues of an alcoholic

[khailiemarie]

&& if my shadow had a face, it'd turn it's back on me... && if my reflection could speak, it'd talk down to me. But I can't help that they don't like me.... I have to believe that I'm better than them.

The part of me that isn’t narcissistic

[khailiemarie]

I sit back on nights like these and long for great words to say But no quote puts me at ease and not one great thought may come my way. My heart burns with one million things that are to be said to one million souls... but my heart can not find it in it to let them go. No, it can not tell a soul.

Writers Block

[khailiemarie]

Dear you, Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope you love yourself with the heart of a love you deserve. Tell yourself you're beautiful. Treat yourself to nice things. Compliment your changes. Admire your hard work. Smile at yourself. Correct yourself when you need it. Do the things you like. I hope you love another as you should yourself. I hope that when you do that it is real. I hope you whole heartedly are willing to sacrifice all of yourself for that love. I hope it makes it hard to fall asleep because you're stricken with wonder of every aspect of how you can make his/her life better. I hope before you stick a bite of food into your mouth you wonder if he/she ate. I hope you can't go anywhere without thinking what things you see/hear/taste/smell/feel that he/she would hate/love. I hope your every sense is now controlled by your brain thinking from two perspectives instead of just your own. I hope your every action is too. I hope you never expect change from him/her but that you embrace whatever comes. And when tragedy strikes in a way that leaves you feeling like dust in a breeze or a candle in the wind, so much so that you want to leave, I hope you stay. I hope you love so purely, truly, intensely, selflessly. I hope you never seek reimbursement. I hope you never wonder what you get in return. I hope you never have to. I hope your love is matched. I hope you experience the truest of love in all of its essence. I hope the best for you. I really, truly do.

[khailiemarie]

Once there was a young teen. She was promiscuous and loved to party. She was in to doing 80s drugs. But a young man fell in love with her anyways. He saw her at school and just wanted to be near her. The woman had a very rough life so she hid from her life in her sins. She didn't love the man. Time went on and the woman had children with different men. Also with time, the man was able to get closer to the woman. He began babysitting her children while she went out on dates. He was a safe place for her children while she rode through sins rollercoasters. With time, the man fell deeper in love with the woman. The woman still did not love the man. Eventually the woman grew tired of being broken. She had four children by three different men. She wanted stability. She wanted safety. She wanted everlasting happiness for her children. She wanted everything the man had grown to become. She didn't love the man, but she loved her children in a broken way and didn't want to be alone. The woman accepted the man. She allowed him into her family. She thought she could learn to love the man. Together, the man and woman had two more children. They became a family of eight: a man, a woman and six children. Life was very hectic. The man stayed. The man and woman were married when the youngest child was about 2. The man worked all the time. He worked hard. He loved all six of his children. And all six now called him daddy. (Four of us used to call him uncle Jimmy.) Life went on, it had many trials but it went on. After alcoholism and marital battles the man and woman separated. Things got very ugly. No matter how hideous the man and woman's relationship got, the man always came running when any six of his babies called for him. Now I'm going to be 26 soon. I live across the country from that man. He still is ready to fight my battles and save me. He still works all the time. Today he is 50. I called him to say happy birthday but he was sleeping for work. I hope one day my life gets better so that I can put him into retirement. I want to give him the world. I want to make him rich just so he can relax. I want to take care of him because it was never his duty to take care of me but he did it anyways. He was the first man to fall in love with me and it doesn't have to be the romantic kind to be any more pure. My daddy saved my life all the time. My daddy rescued me when no one else would. He didn't spoil me through life and avoid it's trials, he didn't leave me to face them alone either. My daddy took me by the hand and walked me through side by side. He directed me through but made sure I put in the work to overcome it. And I know that's what a dad is supposed to do, but he really never had to. He willingly picked up another man's obligation and raised it. I was raised by what the world would call a step dad but he's the purest example of a father I know to exist. And I know that's true for my siblings cuz my brother just got engaged to a woman with four of her own children and they just had their fifth together. (They mutually love eachother) Happy birthday daddy. You are the purest example of a man I know, even through your faults.

[khailiemarie]

My very best friend

I was only 20 he was close to 90 I spilled food on him the first day we met; he called me stupid. He had dementia. I played along; he called me stupid. He used to spit peas at me. I used to flick corn at him; he called me stupid. He used to practice being dead. I used to practice being amused; he called me stupid. He would spoil movies for me. He said he'd never seen them before; he called me stupid. I took care of him. His name was Leonard; he called me stupid. Leonard wanted to die. He was old; I called him stupid. He called me his very best friend. I called him stupid; we both cried. Leonard said he wanted to go home. I told him if he's ready he should go; we were never stupid. Leonard died; I miss my very best friend. "I won't miss you. I'll be there all the time. You're my kind of stupid." - Leonard W Hansen

[khailiemarie]

So I found these notes

So I have struggled with depressions and suicide and disorders of such for a very long time. I don't like to give names to them because I feel like I am giving myself a crutch and it's hard enough making it through this life without allowing myself to be crippled by these "labels". Anyways, I have always wrote myself notes. Well to be honest I wrote suicide notes but then I would read them and reply to myself. And I know it sounds so crazy but it really was the most helpful thing. I started using it as a way to help myself through all of my hardships so as I grew older it wasn't just suicide notes it became regular notes too. I just thought I would share this exercise because it didn't prevent every attempt and self harm incident but it really did help me through them. The point is to find whatever little things you can and hold onto them for dear life. I found a few of my notes and though reading them really pulled up so many emotions I stopped and thought, I was so young and I saved my own life from suicide. And with my own personal hell that's going on now, in a way, realizing that really gave me a new strength to keep fighting for my own life. I believe that all of these mental disorders like suicide and depression and anxiety and the like could be prevented with love. We can't make people love us but we can always start with self love. I just want you guys to do the same. ❤

[khailiemarie]

I miss the snow. I miss the rain. I miss the thunder and lightning. I miss the sound of the wind howling my name. I miss the trees and bodies of water. It's desolate here; The hurt lies uncovered. The filth lie unwashed. The darkness has no beacon. No one calls me out of my emptiness anymore. I stand crucified with nothing to drink. ...I do not know my left from right.

[khailiemarie]

So I’m sitting here watching Disney’s tangled with my babies and there is something I wonder if people noticed. the psychology behind why Rapunzel never left the tower earlier isn’t just based on the psychological abuse that mother gothel plays on her. As a baby, Rapunzel felt pure genuine love. In and out of the Queen’s womb. But being a baby she couldn’t remember the face of it. She was taken young enough to forget. That’s why she looks at mother gothel the way she does because she knows something’s off but she can’t place it. Like her mind is trying to understand why she isn’t receiving the type of love she remembers coming from mother gothels position. It’s also why she is so ready to accept the Queen’s love, because once she seen her face and feels her touch she remembers. Thats why touch is so important after childbirth.

[khailiemarie]

Ok so i have this overwhelming rant eating at my soul but because I'm so empathetic to every living organism in the space of the universe I've just been biting my tongue. And in all honesty, what is complaining really gonna do anyways besides probably in some way leaving me look like the worst kind of hypocrite ever. You know what, be brave or wait for the grave, right? So here it goes. As a pre-millenial adult fan of Twenty One Pilots, I need to get this off of my chest. You all have no chill. I love and respect and admire with the utmost passion the cliques togetherness. Like my Gosh, I wish the musicians I listened to growing up did for my generation what the boys are doing for yours. I honor that with the absolute utmost respect. But for some, I can see like very unhealthy obsessions. I know we all want to find out the lyrics to the songs and their specific meanings to the boys but sometimes I think a little more.... I dunno, abstract? Like the meaning those songs have for the boys are very unique and special meanings to them. Like maybe that's their healing through their own experiences and it really doesn't need to be known by everyone. But like the importance is maybe them knowing relatable experiences exist within everyone and maybe the focus is meant to be more on pulling your own meaning out of it. Like, for example, my most sentimental, home-hitting song for me is A Car, A Torch, A Death and probably in no way whatsoever the way that it was written to mean to them, and that's ok. Also, being from the pre-millenial generation, we were raised on "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" I know that's diluted along the way and among my fellow pre-millenials, but honestly. If the dudes wanna shave or dye their hair or lose/gain weight or get married or be in relationships or not, like unless asked, your opinion isn't that necessary. Especially if it's negative. Especially if you consider their humility. Especially everything. You're their fans, you're their frenz. You're not their momma's/wives ECT. I know this is gonna piss off a lot of the clique. I'm ok with that. Who knows maybe I got it all wrong and I piss off the boys too. But I've already committed this far. I'm not trying to down the fan base or belittle anyone. Like I said, I love you guys' togetherness (dunno how much I will when you start coming at me) but they are still human beings that deserve some private life. Like I dunno, do they even get to walk to the store anymore? What if they gotta buy some TP? Like how difficult is it to notice fellow fans and clique all staring at them and maybe being like let's take a giant group pic, link up and share it so they have that many less poses and stops to make. I think that goes for all celebs. Like everyone has the ability to be a celeb if they push/try hard enough or link up with the right people who complete each other's mediocrity and form this superb... Thing. I just feel that with a fan base as big as theirs and with as much love we have for them that like we should up the ante on supporting their personal health too. Love them but dear Gosh, don't break them. I just don't want for time to go on and they start to look.... I dunno, shlumpy? Like I don't want them to be worn out because they are so important with such beautiful souls and hearts that love tremendously beyond themselves. I'm sure they're more than ecstatic for your love and support and excitement in them I'm sure they absolutely adore that they could be so important to so many people's lives. I just worry I guess. Last thing, calm down on the haters. Like let them hate because the more vicious you are about it, the more you deter from the boys support. Not everyone is going to understand them or like their style or anything. Yeah people are gonna complain about opinions on all their music being depression associated, haters been hating their whole lives let them do what they do best. Because at some point down the road they made need the boys like we have and maybe our over-enthusiastic, overprotective instinct to viciously shut that hater down will be the scar that deters them from ever letting our boys do what they do best and we're gonna have lost one. Be better than that, no? Like take what the haters have always given us and make it better, they gave us 0 f*cks let's try to give them at least one. They don't understand because they have no need to yet or maybe they aren't ready to admit that they do. Be open about it. We don't have to all like the same crap. Yes the boys do make all of us oddballs feel special but they just might be aiming for all humanity to feel that way. We all have our own battles. Make the boys proud of the fan base, not like parents who have to continuously apologize for their kids' bad*ss behavior in public. Rant over. It was a doozy ;P I'm sure from this point on its gonna be a lot of controversy so since you're still reading I'm just gonna say feel free to express yourself. I welcome correction it helps me build. But please don't get ugly. And well if you do, that's your own choice I suppose and feel free to remember what you're standing for and defending. I still love you all and still will try to maintain my respect. It's just my own expression of worry and I'm perfectly open to disagreements.

[khailiemarie]

Random memory: When I was younger, in elementary school, I didn't have any friends and I also was very introverted. My teachers were concerned that I was too overly independent. One day my mom felt the need to address that by saying "are you a hermit because you don't have friends or do you not have friends because you're a hermit" Hermit sounded like Kermit to me so for multiple years any classwork I turned in had a picture of a tiny hermit crab tucked into its shell with a quote bubble that read "it's scary out there" his name was Hermit the crab. My teachers didn't approve so we made a deal. And that's the story of how I survived elementary school and got everyone to leave me the hell alone.

[khailiemarie]

There are so many unwritten words suffocating my mind and it gets hard to decipher which are thoughts and which are emotions. The two have cohabited for so long they are symbiotic of eachother hiding together from their fears of the world outside myself. But lately they have both agreed so the three of us (myself, my thoughts and my emotions) have decided that we are tired of being sad and afraid. Not of feeling these things but of being these things. I think it's very important to express that there is a significant different in feeling and thinking and being. Understand that's why I separate myself into three. I know realistically I am one being. I know mentally and emotionally I am as well. I'm not MP or BP or any other health label but if you best want to understand me, understand that I am multidimensional. With that, all my dimensions are tired of being sad and afraid and every negative emotion. I am ready to be happy.