Existencial thoughts + comissions maybe?????
Is it weird that I think I have no personality? :/
Like I'm slowly getting into this downward spiral of believing I am bland and boring, and yeah maybe I'm nice and stuff, but I don't stand out in anything. Not searching for pity here, it's just weird, I don't want to be normal, at least I know I am not destined to be normal (not the kind of ooh im a unique and special snowflakeee , just... outstanding),
I have two theories, or  t w o  r e a s o n s   w h y ["13 reasons why" intro theme starts playing in the distance] this might be happening
1. It might be the changes in life I'm set into. I always used to stand out in school, I was always had the best grades of my class, I was enthusiastic, I was good at art good at music at sports and everything, etc. One day in 10th grade I had to change that for the sake of my mental health because.. well that's another story, but the thing is I didn't want to be the best in my class anymore, so I just wanted to do art and get over school (I still had good grades tho, but not exceptional, I don't like studying lol), the thing is this other girl in my class was getting better at art too and she stood out more, you know, cause she was pretty and a very funny gal and had this unique personality so I just stood behind doing my thing, knowing I wanted to study something realted to art or animation. Last year I graduated from high-school and this year I entered college because I had to kinda delay my plans to study animation, and I was so fed up with college that I dropped out. So now I'm here, trying to get a job and making contacts to insert myself in the industry of animation and videogame development here in my country (which actually is very low level compared to the US or Canada or other big countries with animation industries) and kind of doing nothing too... I thought I maybe could make money and gain myself a reputation in the internet doing some freelance stuff, but the thing is I've tried for years, I have pages in every social media possible and nothing has come out of it other than improving my art. I also for some reason stopped being an energetic person and be very lazy, and it's even lazier staying at home. I don't have an especific goal yet and I thing it is so boring for my friends to hang out with me because I have so little energy ;^; ... so yeah the thing is, it maybe is that. That for now I am kinda stuck and I have to do something about it.
2. Maybe it's just the social media effect of everyone seeming unique and famous and stuff... Like people compiting even for their individuality. There are all this artists whose art is full of style and personality, and I think that my style just doesn't stand out enough to be recognizable... I don't want my art to be pretty for the sake of being pretty, I want it to be different. I also know that I can't be comparing myself to everyone cause that's gonna get me nowhere but it is so haardddd with all this people and I know I shouldn't be making art to get recognition but it is so tiring to try and try for years and having "two likes"
in a piece that took hours to make... Its kinda paradojical cause I do the art I wanna make and I want to get recognition, and people say fanart is the way to being known but I really seldom want to do fanart.. so yeah... maybe I should just stop complaining... the thing is I need to prove my mother I am doing something and getting money cause I don't want to dissapoint her either, more so that I insisted for years I wanted to do art for a living.
and the two things combined :O
, I think I just have to go on trying new things and give it sometime until I start studying animation or enter an art-school. I am also very afraid of life and very anxious about my future, so that doesn't help either.... like I sometimes shy out and miss oportunities just because of the anxiety and the fear of failure..............................................
I know maybe nobody will read this... but I still have hope´:D
And because of that, and if You! fellow reader, are reading this I want to announce that I should start opening a commision thingy more formally, so please, if anyone is reading this let me know if you would want to comission me or even suggest that is a good idea.. or even rebloging and saying your opinion on my existencial crisis would be very much appreciated. u.u
THANK YOU for reading! , peace, out!
