earl

this is a lil vent account just for myself

[kitty-heyadora]

the funny thing about you leaving, is that somehow, somewhere i knew.

two days before you said we're not friends anymore i almost texted you, asking if smth is wrong, if smth happened bewteen us or if you're ok.

i didn't

because there was no reason to ask. But you left me and a part of me wonders how i knew how i wasnt as shocked as i should have been.

im all alone now, the two clostest ppl i had left me, not even for a horrible reason or anything. you guys just left me.

i am hurt. and now theres not even sb i could talk to about it huh.. :/

[kitty-heyadora]

i hate being in a relationship.

and yet here i am.

and i cant express that sentiment because all it leads to is ppl telling me to just idk break up?

i wont do that, its not worth it.

but that doesnt change how much i actually im uncomfortable with romance.

ironically my partner identifies as aro ace

which yes absolutely

its just very diff from me, aspec and all

i dont think ppl get it. my partner doesnt get it, or maybe they do. I just feel very invalidated by my surrounding by no fault of their own.

it just hurts when they casually go like oh yeah im aro too and happily being in multiple relationships (they'r aro dont get me wrong just diff struggles!!) or when they said theyr feelings about smth are also their identity since its how they feel, but thats not the type of identity i was talking about. its invalidating. when i try to explain my uncomfort to people and they ask about my partner.. all i can ever say is oh its a special situation..

its not, its just what it is and they just think im fine with romance if i just find a special person liek my s/o

but no!! its not like that!! :(

i just want to be seen, understood. i want my uncomfort and pain to be validated

im not even comfy with relationships labeled as queer platonic, and as a child i couldn't call anyone my bff, partially bc no close friends but also 💫uncomfy💫

[kitty-heyadora]

its so sad having to tell your mom that you wont have a big 18th birthday celebration. why she asks? well yk just bc some ppl dont rly speak the same language or dont rly know each other... its just more chill not too. :)

but in reality its just because people dont get along. Im so sick of people falling apart. Everyone has flaws and at this age its normal to discover yourself and learn and grow but what it truly means is that friendgroups dont really hold on and that the individual friends you have either dont know each other or actively can't be around each other. There rarely ever is a person who did wrong, just people being incompatible.

but i couldn't tell my mom that, she always wanted me to have friends, and now i do so explaining to her my struggles... we dont have that kind of relationship.

i just wish people coudl get along.

im sad i wont get to experience a birthday party with people im close to.

[kitty-heyadora]

how do ppl keep telling me how nice i am.

as if my niceness isn't a result of me caring way to much about what ppl think of me, paired with chronic ppl pleaser syndrome, paired with my adhd masking, paired with me being absolutely totally touch starved.

oh what i wouldn't give to be the fucking rudest person in the room.

to fucking dominate the ppl around me, gaslight them, manipulate them, make them dependent on me but never giving anything in return.

to just being able to be me and have people still like me bc even if im the biggest asshole im not alone and they wont leave me.

to just stop giving a shit.

and the thing is, i like being nice, i like to comfort people, i love giving conpliments and being there for them and hug and pet them and just be nice.

but its exhausting

but also the only thing that brings me any semblance of joy or purpose

because what am i if not a person people will lean on to tell me how horrible they feel while i hug them and tell them how it's going to be alright, and checking in on everyone to make sure noone else needs this comfort.

im in constant conflict but also nothing will ever change

[kitty-heyadora]

at first i hated my brother

and then it turned into indifference

and now i feel like a piece of shit bc i can see his life derailing, having weird friends, prob drinking at a way to young age, problems with the parents, problems with the school, self hatred and whatever else

but he's a literal stranger

i dont know him

and i feel like im the worst and i cant do shit about it.

i was a horrible sister

and i regret it so much

but also what was i supposed to do i was a fucking child and he got a thrill from seeing me loose it

and not even that i mean it's not his fault i couldn't deal with his verbal and physical stims, i didn't know why he would do this shit

[kitty-heyadora]

im not fucking ok but also im totaly ok like nothing i would change in my life but im still awake and i know i wont get enough sleep and i wanna reach out to sb but just for the motion of reaching out bc it wont do anything and worry ppl who actually have problems and the "its going to be ok! im here for you bla blah" like ik and i write that shit too but like what does that bring me ik its going to be fine its literaly fine rn too

[kitty-heyadora]

im doing an exchange year and it has been 3 days.

im in my bed and eating snacks and i cant get up. im feeling bad.

ik i shoudlnt have expected my bad feelings to go away, but im now feeling anxious about them bc im not performing like i shoudl, i shoudl go and socialise and helo my host fam (whos great btw) but i just can't.

there's not even a reason. im jsut. not ok. for no reason.

my feelings dont feel valid bc tehy arent.

hell, most of my close friends have issues, and everytime we talk about them i have this little voice tahts basicaly jsut saying "dont u whish u had their problems? then at peats uou goudp get teh comfort you want bc rn you dont deserve any bc u have an amazing life with no issues"

and the sad part its true.

im so tired. so so tired.

[kitty-heyadora]

nothing like the last family dinner in 5 month getting ruined bc ur brother decides taht heyy, making microagressions is funny actually.

no but fr, my fam is so blind to their microagressions and talking to them is like talking to a brick wall.

but whatever its fine *isnt

[kitty-heyadora]

so i recently made friends

and its very weird

in a good way tho

but ill try to use this app as a solution to me oversharing.

bc i need the ppl to like me. and they do, but i dont want to get annoying. all the little things that amass and then at some point theyll have enough.

so yeah, im craving attention but like who isn't lol

[kitty-heyadora]

ok sooo

who should i trust:

myslef and my friends opinion taht i had anxiety as a child.

or

my mom who says i just had emotional dysregulation in relations to my adhd

liek it coudl be both but i just had a convo with my mom and feel so invalidated.

bc my dad (whos a psychiatrist) gave me a book on psychological stuff, kinda complicated read, but on the section about anxiety it just rly reeinforced my feelings and i do plan to go see a therapist etc etc. but ill have to talk to my parents, and i just dont knwo what to think anymore.

looking at the criteria for diagnsotics i do fit, but i mean if my mom tells me it isnt the case (just about my past, i avoid discussions about my current self lol).... well idk

[kitty-heyadora]

this is prob kinda niche but ive been rereading the webtoon weak hero and damn. im down bad for teddy jin.

look at this cutie drinking his coke.

anyhowww i may or may not have a type for long haired cat dudes. oops.

also ppl named teddy are always so hot and for wahttt?????

[kitty-heyadora]

anyhow i have a soicial burnout but bc im alone its pretty ok ill just recharge trough dariwng and youtube 😤

social burnout is for the weak /j

[kitty-heyadora]

adding to my post from before.

one of the reasons why im behaving very hyper around ppl (maybe results of masking...) is because im emulating people.

specificaly people who seem social, aka, extroverts* and im trying to behave like the ppl who are confidnet and energetic towrds others

but it is just a pretend and tehrefore maybe not rly organic and it coudl be throwing ppl off ig.

*i dont belive in ex-/introvertism but it works as a description of behavior :)

[kitty-heyadora]

everytime i asked people about how "heyy you know how your a diff person alone vs with ppl?" they always said yes ofc everyone has taht.

...

bitch

i dont think everyone has the feeling of going on autopilot when with people specificaly friends and having a voice inside screaming at you to not act like taht but you are and you cant stop neither the voice nor how you behave and your just totaly overacting certain things.

as example: i tell a joke, ppl laugh, i wont stop making references to the joke weeks later and at first the joke was fine but im just ovwrdoing it but idk how to stop and ik im only doing it bc my brain associated it with ppl liking what i do.

and a friend i told taht suggested mayyyybe its how i mask.

for reference i have diagnosed adhd

and i was like.. wahttt... nooo... meee...

but the thing is taht idk how to stop and, to make it worse, what i realised is taht hanging out with ppl "on teh surface" is easy and chill I'll just be hyper and have a nice time copying the vibes. but when im with ppl i wanna get close too i just camt have that much fun because ill try to have fun etc and be myself and it doesnt work and its exhausting and i constantly fear of fucking smth up bc idk how to act. with long term friends its easier bc they wont just drop me and i kinda know how to act out of routine so i dont constanrly fear of fucking up.

but yeah idk just life ig :)

[kitty-heyadora]

yk the thing is im feeling bad but bc theres no reason to i cant stop it. i fear taht its just the normal state of things and tahts just not good so i just hope itll get better even tho ik tahts not how shit works.

[kitty-heyadora]

nah bc why do my mood be slpit in 4 over the span of 2 weeks. LIKE PLS STABALISE BITCH ???!

anywayss hows ur life going 🤠

[kitty-heyadora]

i feel like screaming into teh void and i fuckinv love it