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@kittybean
anyone thought of harris doing a taskmaster-style video with the centaurs?
obviously the first task would be âmost watermelon eaten in one minute winsâ and ilya would smash that shit as soon as he gets his hands on it and ends the task dry heaving onto the floor because he basically inhaled it
Guys what if the paper towel dispenser in Vegas had been motion activated.
He slings his arm over to do his cute little dommy suck my dick pose and itâs just loudly spitting out paper towels.
Or god forbid it was a hand dryer and the whole things starts blowing air so loudly they canât even hear eachother. He thinks itâs done and starts trying to recover the situation and then it just starts up again.
Heâd just have to give up I think. Just walk right back out and try again next year.
Has anyone figured out whatâs so viscerally wrong with this woman yet
Sheâs so one dimensionally evil you guys đđ how is she real
read this and remember it. read this and remember that she is going to use the profits of her fucking ego-stroking reboot to decimate trans rights. read this and remember that every time you pay into her IP, you are emboldening her to hurt us more.
our lives matter more than your fucking nostalgia.
trans lives matter more than your fucking nostalgia.
Heated Rivalry AU where Ilya dips out early from a post-game party with Boston, and someone gets the idea to put on a Hollonov compilation as a joke.
The whole team settles in with rapt attention, ready to roast the shit out of Roz over it via group chat, only to see. Well. It's a series of interview clips over the years. It's made up exclusively of three things. One, clips of Hollander "stealing" linguistically challenging questions that the whole team knows Rozanov hates. Two, clips of Rozanov derailing questions that are about Hollander's "representation of his community," which gossip on the street says makes Hollander uncomfortable. Three, Hollander and Rozanov commenting individually on the rivalry, with vicious comments such as. "He's of course a great player, but he'll find us difficult to beat." Such fire in Rozanov's comments are especially damning, given his whole chirp-king-schtick. The video editor, with all the obsession and perception of a true fangirl, makes sure to circle every instance where you can see the shadow of Hollander and Rozanov pressing their feet together - and in one instance holding hands - beneath the interview table. (You wouldn't see it unless you're looking for it - or unless someone circles it in red for you.)
The video finishes, and the team sits in a kind of shocked silence as the next video auto-plays. This one is a compilation of Rozanov chirping Hollander on the ice. Here, the editor has helpfully drawn an arrow to Hollander's face whenever he blushes. The editor has also inserted text overlays with comments like. "Look at how fiercely Rozanov insults his rival." And then puts smaller arrows pointing to Roz's body language, with helpful texts like "excited wiggle indicating absolute fury," and "besotted grin indicating deep hatred." The sarcasm is distressingly accurate in its point.
(Listen, the whole team knows what Roz looks like when he's chirping someone. This - this is not it. This is not it at all. This is him when he's being silly with people he really likes. What is going on.)
The video finishes, and this time someone has the presence of mind to stop the auto-play before another mind-breaking thing comes up.
Someone else, trying to lighten the silence with a joke, and maybe dismiss it all as a fever dream, says, "Montreal Jane? More like Montreal Shane, am I right?"
And. Well.
Once it's out there, there's no coming back from it.
Cliff asks aloud, to no one in particular, "Are we just stupid?"
Ilya and Shane driving around one day and All The Things She Said starts playing on the radio and both of them immediately get out of the car and start dry heaving on the side of the road until they calm eachother down and hold eachother for a good ten minutes before getting back to the car and Ilya puts on one of his playlists and they never turn the radio on again
man. ilya is fine and fun and Mostly Okay until one day the chain on his necklace breaks and he doesnât notice until the next time he reaches for the crucifix and itâs gone. he never takes it off. where the fuck is it. where did it go. no no no no thatâs mamaâs necklace he canât lose that what the fuck what the fuck
and then heâs panic crying and he and shane have to tear the house apart looking for it and heâs about to start taking their fucking plumbing apart to make sure it didnât go down a drain or hire a navy seals team to dive to the bottom of the lake looking for it when shane finds it under the bed and ilya is so relieved he almost passes out. cue a long evening of soothing and crying and googling âunbreakable necklace chainsâ bc this can never happen again or Else
I think that Ilya, being both extremely hot and having a past reputation as a guy who was into casual hookups, would still get people hitting on him and trying to slide into his DMs even post-marriage, mistakenly thinking heâd be down to cheat.
And Ilya would act completely oblivious to those advances and be like âAh yes I see the problem here, you simply havenât heard about My Beautiful Husband Shane Hollander. In this essay I will-â
I just know after Ilya gets together with the Raiders after canon when he and Shane are out, married, settled that he doesnât know the raiders didnât put together the Shane/jane thing until one of the boys mentions his old flame or makes a joke about how wild his Montreal girl was and how Shane must give her a run for her money and notices how he freezes and turns red asf. I think cliff has to do like four double takes but is the one to figure it out within a couple minutes of Ilya damn near pissing himself laughing as Shane is internally dying next to him.
And thatâs how the raiders find out that The Shane Hollander is a fucking freak and Ilya Rozanov is much more of a simp than they thought bc they have vivid memories of Ilya smiling at his phone and talking about his lovely Jane :)
The thing is that even with people who are cool (or mostly cool) about the gay thing, the Rozanov thing is always a bridge too far. This bothers Shane, more than he lets himself admit, because it's inevitable, isn't it? He's always gonna have to defend his boyfriend against the people he loves, like Ilya's not the kindest, strongest, most beautiful person he knows. Like he's not the love of Shane's life.
It doesn't even occur to Shane that this conversation could go any better than it went with his parents, who had an impossibly quick turnaround on Ilya all things considered, until he's telling Rose and instead of her response being some variation of "why him?" she goes, "You're kidding me, Ilya Rozanov? He is so hot!"
And Shane freezes, the automatic defense sticking at the tip of his tongue. He tries to recalculate, but in the moment all he can manage is a flustered, "I- yeah. I mean he's - yeah, he is."
Something softens in Rose's expression, and then she's pulling at his arm, urging him to come sit down on the couch next to her. "You need to tell me everything, Shane! All the details, the dirtier, the better."
Shane sits, the relief flooding him enough to make his knees weak. His face feels warm but it's not embarrassment or shame coloring his cheeks - or maybe it's a little bit of embarrassment, because some of the details are really dirty, but mostly it's joy. It's pride, even.
"I'm not gonna do that," he laughs.
Rose raises her eyebrows expectantly. 'You, Mr. I-prefer-being-the-hole,' she seems to be silently saying. 'You don't want to share?'
"Okay, maybe some of the details," Shane concedes. He can't stop smiling.
"Fuck, yes," Rose squeals. She puts her hand on Shane's shoulder, standing. "Hold on, I need to get the rosé for this."
"You are such a cliché."
Rose waves her hand, an 'I know, I know' gesture.
The conversation lasts a couple of hours and Shane shares more about Ilya than he's shared with anyone. More than he even means to, so the rosé was definitely the right call. He can't stop himself because Rose is so happy, so excited for him. She gasps at all the right moments, giggles when Shane's blush gets impossibly brighter, leans in when Shane shows her pictures of Ilya and gives her gushing approval.
"Of course you landed the only hockey player who's even remotely as hot as you," she sighs. "You overachiever."
Shane laughs. "He's much hotter than I am!"
"Mm, agree to disagree."
And that, too, feels pretty good.
fall in love again and again...
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That was delicious. I genuinely don't think I've seen anyone line up those scene parallels so well before. This was a perfect snapshot of every branch, rock, and mattress they hit on their way down
Ilya slaviclly repressed Rozanov and Shane autistically repressed Hollander attempt at having a real conversation for 9 years
Arthur Pike gets diagnosed with autism at a relatively young age and it takes Hayden and Jackie about 0.5 seconds after reading the report to look at him, look at Shane, look at each other, look at Arthur, look at Shane, look back at each other and go, "ohhhhhhhhhhhh"
ok this is mostly a collection of ilya "good top" rozanov headcanons that took on a life of their own
ilya's reputation as a "womanizer" and a "ladies man" takes hold pretty early in his career
he's got a girl in every port, the man's having a lot of sex everywhere
(most of his teammates know that he's got a special fondness for jane in montreal, but that's neither here nor there)
shane genuinely isn't jealous, what ilya does when they're apart isn't his business, as long as he has ilya's undivided attention when they're together, which he absolutely does
someone makes a joke on twitter that all of the women he's banged ought to start a club
this leads to someone making a shirt that says "i hooked up with ilya rozanov and all i got was this lousy t-shirt" and starts selling it on etsy. a bunch of other people make copycat shirts and variations
the fad fades pretty quickly, but there's a brief moment in time where they seem to be everywhere, and jane texts lily every time he sees someone wearing one out in the wild
lily mostly responds with laughing emoji, but one time he responds with "i think that one's real i remember her" and shane has to remind himself that he's not jealous and it's not his business and he has to delete the picture so he doesn't go back and study it
not long after boston wins the cup, a package arrives at shane's secret sex condo, it's a version of the shirt that says "i slept with STANLEY CUP WINNER ilya rozanov and all i got was this lousy t-shirt"
shane is mortified, but also more than a little turned on. at some point he wears it under his other clothes when he meets up with ilya for a hook-up and ilya goes absolutely feral when he sees it
years later, when the whole dallas kent situation hits the fan, people start taking to twitter talking shit about other NHL players (and other pro-athletes in general) who treated them poorly
someone tweets out "i've never really talked about this because i'm not one to kiss and tell and it's really no one's business, but i just want to say that in like 2014 i hooked up with ilya rozanov and he was the most considerate lover i'd ever had. i was relatively inexperienced and so down bad for him that i would have done anything he said, but he checked in with me every step of the way, and *also* gave me crazy orgasms to boot"
and women start coming out of the woodwork responding to the thread with similar sentiments, that he'd set the bar for future hookups and relationships
and people are like "damn, consent king ilya rozanov, didn't have that on my bingo card this year" and "this man was really fucking his way across north america as a service to *us* teaching millenial women to have higher standards for their partners"
someone tweets out "i hooked up with ilya rozanov and all i got was multiple orgasms and really high expectations about consent" and it goes stupid viral
several months later when the fanvid debacle happens and hollanov are outed, that particular corner of social media has another meltdown along the lines of "and he's even bisexual? this makes so much sense"
someone jokes about getting shane a shirt, since he's a member of the club, this tweet makes its way back to harris, who feels like he should warn shane and ilya
ilya posts a picture to instagram of his husband lounging, wearing The Shirt, his underwear, and nothing else. the shirt is very obviously not new, has been worn and washed many times
in the picture, shane's left hand is draped casually across his stomach, wedding ring glinting in the light, as if to remind everyone: this one's mine
David shows up to a pride night game with a homemade âI love my gay son and my bi son-in-law and my gay grandsonâ shirt with pictures of Shane, Ilya, and Luca plastered on it.
thinking about how shane and ilya's expressions of queerness are so different and how it doesn't relate to their preferred positions during sex at all, because it's so refreshing to see.
shane is a bottom through and through, but unlike in many other queer media, he isn't effeminate or delicate. he's masculine and brash and jocky, he works his grill and sets up fires and wears fucking.. khaki pants or whatever. he's just a guy. a guy that prefers to be fucked.
ilya likes topping (although he would be down for whatever as long as it makes shane happy) but he isn't some burly, macho "i will dominate you" dude like tops are shown. he wears his cunty little jean paul gaultier tiger print and slutty tank tops, and he's sassy and has a gay accent in russian and makes these flamboyant hand gestures. they don't take away from his masculinity, but the important thing is that ilya doesn't have to be gruff and manly and stoic.
and it makes me so happy to see that the weird gender role adjacent stereotypes about topping and bottoming arent placed on them.
By this point, I don't even have to rewatch the series. I just close my eyes and the clicks of a faulty lighter ring in my ears. I am there.
Shane is so nervous for his first practice with the Centaurs. Despite Ilya constantly reassuring him that it won't be like Montreal, that this is a really good group of guys, he just can't shake it. He enters that practice timid and stiff, barely speaking beyond necessary introductions.
Ilya's way of handling that is by treating that practice as if there's a damn cup on the line. Scrimmages turn into a bloodbath, with Ilya specifically targeting Shane; checking him at every opportunity, throwing him into the boards, and chirping him relentlessly. Every drill is turned into a competition between the two of them.
All the Centaurs are so confused. Since the relationship was revealed, they've never really interacted with them as a couple, beyond some of them attending their wedding. If they didn't know any better they would say the rivalry is certainly alive and well.
By the end of practice Shane is threatening murder but has also managed to outscore Ilya, who's grinning so wide you could count every single one of his teeth.
