[An au based off Stray Kids' song "Side Effects" where Chan is struggling with life and one day he does the unthinkable and this is how he'll act after he does what he does. It'll most likely be a bunch of short stories that'll blend into one universe about Chan dealing with each one of his 'side effects'.]
what do you mean you're quitting Stray Kids?!" Felix managed to sputter out at his blonde haired bandmate in front of him.
Utterly dumbfounded, the younger of the two could do nothing except open and close his mouth wordlessly and just ogle at his bandmate. It seemed as if all notion of reality had completely been wiped from Felix's mind the moment he'd heard the shocking, no scratch that, life changing news, the only functioning part left wondering if the person in front of him was actually going to go through with it all.
"You heard what I said Felix!" Chan yelled back at the younger male.
Bitter tears welled up without any warning and stung Chan's eyes with unbearable pain as he forced himself to look up and look right at his face. Look at the hurt, the anguish, the pure grief written on Felix's face as clear as day.
It was only for a split second, but it was enough to shatter Chan's heart into a million pieces. Seeing Felix broken like that, it hurt the very core of his being in a way no amount of words would be able to describe.
Tears threatened yet none spilled out. There was no sudden garbled apology about how he was wrong and he actually wasn't leaving at all. There wasn't even any room for the small possibility that Chan and the rest of Stray Kids were pranking him and now they'd all come out where they were hiding from and say it's just all a joke, calm down Felix!
Chan couldn't regret what he was doing, deep down he wasn't entirely sorry for leaving. He knew Stray Kids would keep going as all 8 of them had the talent to keep it going, he knew all 8 of them were entirely capable and he knew he wouldn't be putting the group in massive jeopardy but probably for the first time since before debut Chan was selfish.
He wanted to do what was best for himself even if it meant ripping a world apart.
"... don't do this to me, please, don't look at me like that Felix."
"TO YOU!? What about the rest of us?? What about the future of Stray Kids, its nothing without you. You're like the glue that binded us together, made us come together as a team, bandmates and now we're more than that, we're family...
Felix inhaled a sharp breath as his tears finally fell. One solitary tear rolled down his right cheek and before long he was heaving up body shuddering sobs. As best as his ever juddering hands could allow he put his head in his hands and shut his thick tear filled eyes, just trying his best to make sense of the world in this moment.
His thoughts were as vast and never ending as an ocean, swimming in them Felix realised he could have said a million words to Chan then and there, let all of his pent up anger out since he heard the news in one raging inferno blaze, bash Chan for being insensitive, for being so selfish, just lash out at him for anything and everything he's ever done.
It became too much in his own thoughts so Felix hesitantly lifted his head out of his hands to come back to the harshness of reality.
Everything blurred in and out focus so he gripped a nearby chair to steady himself and when things finally felt normal he looked up at Chan's face.
Felix took in every detail of his face and the words he was thinking of spitting out earlier vanished into thin air. It seemed like his ability to speak was gone, all he could do was stare, stare intently at Chan's face.
It wasn't the fact that Chan's face was filled with regret and longing that crushed Felix like a tonne of metal bricks, it was the fact that it wasn't.
The fact that Chan had already been beat and pummeled to the ground again by this invisible force, an untouchable enemy that had already bested their amazing leader ten times over.
The fact that Chan was giving up, accepting defeat, after all this time, this, it had won.... and Felix couldn't bear it, he couldn't bear to see Chan like this.
"Chan.... just please don't do this."
"C-can't we still help? The 8 of us? Make everything better for you?"
"I know! We'll, we'll talk to the managers! Allow you to take some time off and get some well earned rest, take a break from the group for a couple days, months or even a whole year if you need it!"
"Just please...anything except leaving entirely."
A fresh batch of tears wavered in both member's eyes as Felix's voice managed to crack a little at the end of his speech of hopeless fantasies.
Felix let the tears spill but it wasn't as fierce as before, not passionate sobs that racked his whole body as before but instead eyes fixated on the floor as silent tears rolled down which made an endless tear track down both his cheeks.
A deep choking feeling had possessed the room at that point, suffocated them as they both realised entirely the feeling of impossibleness that had engulfed them.
It was impossible for Chan to even remotely get better without leaving but Felix never fully accepted that fact. He thought with each passing day Chan looked happier and healthier but all this time he was losing and now it couldn't work, he had to go.
"You have to tell the other members of my departure tomorrow Felix." Chan said looking dead on at Felix's downcast face.
Felix nodded slowly in understanding and gulped but he couldn't help it as his face scrunched up, a similar look to how his face would screw shut if he got kicked sharply in his genital areas.
He opened his eyes and spoke aloud to the older, willing himself to look him in the eyes as he told him his next few questions.
"Why me... why do I have to be the one who tells the other members...?
Was it trainee days, was it the fact that I supposedly receive more popularity according to all those graphs and statistics?"
Then he closed his eyes and tilted his head downward, saying his next words in something barely passable as a whisper.
"Why must you insist I be the one getting put through this torture Chan?"
An eternity passed in silence. Felix kept his eyes closed, head down and just listened calmly to the sound of his own breath repeating, each inhale and exhale repeating in unison. And the 'thud thud' of his heartbeat beginning to pound less in his ears at the newfound state of silence.
Chan stared at Felix, at a face even with closed eyes that still carried so much emotion and feeling with a state of inquisitiveness outruling all, calmly awaiting for an answer for his question.
Minutes ticked by and maybe it was because Chan felt sorry for Felix. Maybe it was because it would be their last opportunity to have a meaningful embrace together. Maybe it was because Chan felt a deep sense of regret bubble up in the pits of his stomach, regret for even making Stray Kids in the first place as he had seen the other go through so much pain but at the same time no because Chan knew deep down inside that without them he wouldn't be standing right here now or even have the chance make such soul binding connections with anyone.
It could have been a million different reasons, ranging from the extremely complex to the flat out simple that provoked Chan to do what he did but he stepped. That step turned into a walk. Then he reached his arms out... and binded Felix into a tight hug.
Felix felt a shift of body weight upon him, wrapping his arms around him. He didn't bother to open his eyes or say anything, this action spoke louder than words for the both of them. All Felix did back was wrap his arms around the others waist and let his head rest on the others right shoulder.
Felix thought it was comfortable and just melted into the others embrace. They both stayed like that, intertwined, just enjoying the others' shared company.
Until Chan spoke softly into Felix's ear, answering his final question that Felix had forgotten all about at this point as he'd been too busy just feeling Chan's presence there and being thankful for this one last hug.
"It was because I trusted you the most."
Felix didn't think a response to any question in his life hurt ever so bad as it had done then. Just when he thought he'd somewhat calmed down he started sobbing and crying violently again, this time into Chan's shirt, his knees bent a little as he couldn't support himself any longer and the only thing that was holding him up was Chan's large figure and embrace. He cried and cried and cried, never stopping. He just wanted to disappear from the world then, to forget it all, to just be him. Lee Felix.
As Felix's tears slowly but surely caused Chan's shirt to stick to his stomach and as he held Felix's figure up tight Chan couldn't process anything. Couldn't find it in him to feel anything or do anything except just be there. This world... he wanted to get away from it himself. Try to get better. He needed to go, face the world on his own. He... he had too.
"It's not the drugs that are causing me to act like this...it's something else. They're kicking in...
[A/N - I know my writing's shit lmao but hope you enjoyed reading either way]