Goodbye
I give up. I hate it here. Iām tired of being lonely and tired of feeling unwanted Iām tired of crying myself to sleep alone and...Iām tired of being tired. No one wants me here. I donāt have friends anymore, the one man I loved, Junjie Quian, now loves another. I talk and laugh with myself now. I donāt see anything changing anytime soon. Iām broken and bruised. I try to talk to people but nothing works everyone leaves. Tumblr used to be my outlet I could get lost in the stories and posts for what felt like forever but even that isnāt the same anymore. I tried to write about the guys I love but no one listened. Just like in the real world Iām invisible. I give and I give not because I want anything in return but because thatās just how I am thatās the goodness of my heart. But itās dangerous to be that way nowadays. I tried to hold onto hope thinking things would get better but theyāre progressively getting worse. I let people walk all over me in hopes that it will make them stay but they all leave anyway. But hope is a dangerous thing for a girl like me to have. So this is my goodbye no one will see it and if they do no one will care. ā¢ To my father, I know you tried to make up for how you left me at a young age. Youāre unmistakably the root of my problems. You tried to reconnect and mend the bond that we once supposedly had but Iām now in college and 19 years old...in all honesty whenever we talk it feels like Iām talking to a stranger. ā¢ To my mother, Iām sorry you have to finally know what your daughter goes through. I tried to tell you that something was wrong you sent me to therapy in hopes it would make it better. You tried even tho you didnt understand. Hopefully you will now. I hope it helps you learn how to deal with a child with bipolar disorder, ADHD, and depression and mental illness in general. Just know that I loved you sooo much despite everything you tried to give me the best life you could. Please know that it was enough and itās not your fault. ā¢ To my little brothers. Please know that I love you more than anything and know that this decision was hard to make. I tried to hold out and try to show you how strong your å§ (ane) was. But this burden, this pain was too much to bear. I hope to hell you never have to experience the pain ane went through. I love you both so much and know you will both do wonderful things.... ā¢ To my love, Junjie, I know youāre happy now and it hurts to know I couldnāt be the one to make you that way. I know if circumstances were different we would be madly in love. I was once told that fairytales arenāt real and there are no Prince Charmings but you were my fairytale and my Prince Charming. I wish you well. I hope you travel as much as you wanted. Always, Asuka. ā¢ To Calvin. You broke me. The pain you brought me outweighs the good memories we made. I tried to hold on tried to get you to see the love I had for you. But you hurt everything you touch. I shouldāve never let you touch me. When I looked at you I seen handsomeness, you were smart and witty, I looked at you and felt safe. But now I look at you and I see nothing. You became everything you said you wouldnāt be. But despite it all I canāt stop loving you. I wish you the best. ā¢ Finally to my wonderful Kpop boys. You brought me to the highest of highs when I was the lowest of lows. Thank you for being there when no one else was you sung me to sleep and hugged me when I cried, you laughed and danced with me and I canāt thank you enough. I didnāt cry writing this. This is something Iāve wanted to do for awhile. Iām truly sorry for the pain that I will cause but I just want to be happy...to be free. Goodbye.
