The beginning of a journey
Hello, everyone!
It's been a while since I've had a tumblr, but I couldn't think of a better way or place to document my journey and struggles, and hopefully connect with other people going through the same things as me.
I've recently discovered that there is a very strong possibility I suffer from some form of OCD (especially moral OCD). I know that 'self diagnosing' can be a divisive topic in online mental health circles, and I do intend to get properly tested for this, but I hope everyone who reads this understands that I am simply trying to understand myself and the chaotic soup that is my brain better. I've done my research and suffice to say, a lot of stories and personal accounts from people struggling with moral OCD (especially moral OCD in regards to fandoms, media, and social media, which is what I am in particular struggling with) hit far too close to home to simply be ignored.
One of the tips I keep seeing pop up when it comes to dealing with OCD (other than medication, which I hope I can try in the future) is "meditation". Meditation does not work for me at all, my brain becomes too full and too loud and the thoughts just don't stop coming. I need a place to empty my mind out, to try and untangle all of the anxious thoughts that creep up on me and leave me a debilitating mess.
And I want to try and find some sort of community to help me understand what I'm going through better (and to tell me that I'm not crazy on the days it definitely feels like I am).
Hence, this blog.
This place is going to be my dumping ground for every anxious "oh my god am I secretly a terrible person?" thought that runs through my mind, as well as a place to try and word out exactly what is bothering me and why.
I hope I'm able to at least get a better understanding of my own mental illnesses and mental health struggles through this, but my ultimate goal is to try and get to a place where I'm able to enjoy the things I love the most again (namely: fandoms and fictional media) without being paralyzed by the idea that I may accidentally consume media that's "pRoBLeMaTiC", or one of my favorite celebrities and heroes end up becoming "pRoBLeMaTiC" in the future. I am genuinely terrified of enjoying literally anything because "what if it turns out that the creator is secretly actually a terrible person and I become so invested in their world/works that when it comes to light they're actually a monster everything I've come to love about it is ruined and I can never enjoy anything about it ever again because if I do then I am a terrible person because I am condoning what that person did and everything they touch is ruined-" etc etc ad nauseum.
I literally am too scared to continue reading a book series I've come to love with a main character I started to look up to and seek hope from in these very dark times, because it happens to have a certain romance in it that is vaguely problematic even though it's more nuanced than just black and white "Good or Evil", just the idea, the possibility that something I've put so much value into might be problematic and not "pure" has stopped me from reading any further, even though I still love that series and that character, but then I get wracked with guilt for loving it because of the potential problematic side of it- etc etc ad nauseum.
And that's not even touching on being paralyzed with fear because "what if something awful happens to this character that I love and they start going through an arc that makes me fall out of love with them and they become ruined for me" or "what if they die horribly and so every time I think about them I just get sad and want to cry and they go from being a source of joy to being a source of grief for me FOREVER" or "what if the studio/people in charge of this universe changes the canon to something that I can't stand or ruin this/these characters and I can't enjoy them anymore, even the stuff that came before that I still enjoy?"
(Though I'm less sure if that last paragraph might be OCD related and more overly empathetic AuDHD related, or even something else)
So yeah, I hope I've made my case about why I think I might have OCD! And I hope that, even if it turns out that I actually don't, I can learn something from this experience/experiment that still helps me.
That's all for now. Thank you!
-Lava


















