My OCD Journey

She/They | Asexual-Greyromantic | AuDHD, C-PTSD, GAD, Depression, plus a bunch of other stuff (probably) | Mentally ill adult trying to enjoy fandoms again.

[lava-grunge]

The beginning of a journey

Hello, everyone!

It's been a while since I've had a tumblr, but I couldn't think of a better way or place to document my journey and struggles, and hopefully connect with other people going through the same things as me.

I've recently discovered that there is a very strong possibility I suffer from some form of OCD (especially moral OCD). I know that 'self diagnosing' can be a divisive topic in online mental health circles, and I do intend to get properly tested for this, but I hope everyone who reads this understands that I am simply trying to understand myself and the chaotic soup that is my brain better. I've done my research and suffice to say, a lot of stories and personal accounts from people struggling with moral OCD (especially moral OCD in regards to fandoms, media, and social media, which is what I am in particular struggling with) hit far too close to home to simply be ignored.

One of the tips I keep seeing pop up when it comes to dealing with OCD (other than medication, which I hope I can try in the future) is "meditation". Meditation does not work for me at all, my brain becomes too full and too loud and the thoughts just don't stop coming. I need a place to empty my mind out, to try and untangle all of the anxious thoughts that creep up on me and leave me a debilitating mess.

And I want to try and find some sort of community to help me understand what I'm going through better (and to tell me that I'm not crazy on the days it definitely feels like I am).

Hence, this blog.

This place is going to be my dumping ground for every anxious "oh my god am I secretly a terrible person?" thought that runs through my mind, as well as a place to try and word out exactly what is bothering me and why.

I hope I'm able to at least get a better understanding of my own mental illnesses and mental health struggles through this, but my ultimate goal is to try and get to a place where I'm able to enjoy the things I love the most again (namely: fandoms and fictional media) without being paralyzed by the idea that I may accidentally consume media that's "pRoBLeMaTiC", or one of my favorite celebrities and heroes end up becoming "pRoBLeMaTiC" in the future. I am genuinely terrified of enjoying literally anything because "what if it turns out that the creator is secretly actually a terrible person and I become so invested in their world/works that when it comes to light they're actually a monster everything I've come to love about it is ruined and I can never enjoy anything about it ever again because if I do then I am a terrible person because I am condoning what that person did and everything they touch is ruined-" etc etc ad nauseum.

I literally am too scared to continue reading a book series I've come to love with a main character I started to look up to and seek hope from in these very dark times, because it happens to have a certain romance in it that is vaguely problematic even though it's more nuanced than just black and white "Good or Evil", just the idea, the possibility that something I've put so much value into might be problematic and not "pure" has stopped me from reading any further, even though I still love that series and that character, but then I get wracked with guilt for loving it because of the potential problematic side of it- etc etc ad nauseum.

And that's not even touching on being paralyzed with fear because "what if something awful happens to this character that I love and they start going through an arc that makes me fall out of love with them and they become ruined for me" or "what if they die horribly and so every time I think about them I just get sad and want to cry and they go from being a source of joy to being a source of grief for me FOREVER" or "what if the studio/people in charge of this universe changes the canon to something that I can't stand or ruin this/these characters and I can't enjoy them anymore, even the stuff that came before that I still enjoy?"

(Though I'm less sure if that last paragraph might be OCD related and more overly empathetic AuDHD related, or even something else)

So yeah, I hope I've made my case about why I think I might have OCD! And I hope that, even if it turns out that I actually don't, I can learn something from this experience/experiment that still helps me.

That's all for now. Thank you!

-Lava

[sweetpeasosweet]

The weight that gets lifted when you finally get diagnosed is crazy, especially if you have a strong feeling you have it but hate self diagnosing

[solarcassus]

I used to think I didn't really have OCD because I thought it was checking doorknobs, flicking light switches to prevent something awful from happening, or cleaning things. But it can present in a lot more ways than that and is shockingly more common than I had been led to believe.

[sailorsally]

none of that top/bottom discourse. the only valid question to ask is who cries during sex

[merthurtrenches]

Dean Winchester

[sailorsally]

love when my post finds the audience it was written for!!

[somethingmissingthiswaycomes]

Is it...

So it probably IS legal, but just in case, I'd like to ask

does anyone know if there's some legal issues Tumblr could get into if they go through with soliciting free labor from their userbase?

[lava-grunge]

Holy shit this is a BAD morning for me, fam

Like-

*wakes up late*

*no wifi so; can't order Uber, can't put money on my public transit card to catch the bus, next train isn't for another half hour, no idea if I'll be late for work or even be able to get to work, Brain Gremlins out in full force so at least part of me thinks I died in my sleep and I'm actually in Hell, brain obsessively thinking about upsetting things like my biggest phobias*

It's been.... a ROUGH hour and a half

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[lava-grunge]

Welp, this is gonna be a dumpster fire

[writercultureis]

Writing culture is promising myself that I’ll finish this chapter then start five different fics and only finish one of said five. -🐝

[dear-ao3]

[whirlipedal]

does anybody remember free the nipple. i wish i wasnt a stupid ten year old when that was a thing because i didnt know how good that movement really was. can we bring that back? the idea that womens bodies arent inherently sexual? all womens bodies? can women be braless or topless without it being a big fucking deal? please?

edit: kind of ironic i didn't think about it considering i'm transmasc myself but free the nipple applies to nonwomen with boobs too

double edit: stop tagging this as "#free the nip nops". they're nipples. nipples on boobs. be mature about this

[dragon-in-a-fez]

accidentally said "invasive thoughts" instead of "intrusive thoughts" today and actually I think I'm onto something. this thought does not belong here and it is harming the local ecosystem

[thekidsfromyestergay]

This was on a post about how it's ignorant and privileged to wear headphones in public and I fear its already become a part of my vocabulary. Must everything harbor a moral failure.

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

[fixing-bad-posts]

when someone says 'there is no platonic explanation for this' 🙄

[lava-grunge]

How Internet Culture Is Making OCD Worse and What We Can Do About It — Katey Olson Therapy

We’re more connected than ever, but for people with OCD, that connection can come at a steep cost. The internet has evolved into a space tha

Even if you don't have moral OCD I highly recommend giving this a read, especially if you participate in or frequent fandom spaces, it was seriously eye-opening for me.

Some of my favorite "Holy shit" parts:

The internet has evolved into a space that fuels compulsions, rewards black-and-white thinking, and reinforces a need for certainty and moral perfectionism, all things that OCD thrives on.

And-

You feel anxious → open a search tab. You have a thought you hate → post in a forum. You feel guilt → reread texts, check if someone’s mad. You fear being bad → confess online, ask for reassurance, scroll for proof you’re "okay."

We need to have and give more space for "moral shades of grey" and stop with black and white "pure good or irredeemably evil" thinking, especially with the media we consume and how we interact with that media and other people concerning that media.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pirate the second season of Sandman.

[jjcocker]

can ii throw my 2 cents here i Really like both this post AND this article. lemme get a bit more in depth bc this will kind if be long winded

i especially really resonated w point 2: performative morality and cancel culture intensify scrupulosity.

it's pretty damn Hard to feel safe when you feel like you're walking on eggshells, actually Everyone is, that you're one wrong wird away from being Problematic.

to be Problematic is to generally be. Looked down upon. idunno. its being A Bad Person in ppls eyes.... and the more time I (unfortunately) spend online, (as also said in point 3), its evident tht the internet allows, encourages and Rewards black and white thinking- especially that "us vs them" thing

....ok look I hope i dont derail too much if i talk about shipcourse here. its been a frequent worry of mine snd worrying about it only makes me feel Worse. that said;

upon seeing the arguments from both sides, the "us vs them" thing holds true . to Both sides. I could say"oh especially with antis" but like It Would be Biased because I have stayed on the anti side for longer (it's not like im 100% leaning on yhe other side now too, but i do think being generally against harassment over fiction is like. A Good Thing. because it Is. fiction is fiction and while yhat doesn't mean nothing in it matters since it Does draw at least some things ftom real life, its still not the same as causing any real life damage)

it's always this Fear and villifying of the Problematic person, who ships Problematic things. Problematically - and like. From my experience (as a Severely online teenager (sighs)), it only reinforces that Fear and feeds right into scrupulosity. if xyz ship is slightly off colour, then its Problematic. its Weird and probably Problematic if it has an age gap. its a bunch of buzzwords at this point.

it gets worse when it starts feeding into the Thoughts. youre Problematic because you thoight of Something Problematic. you're Problematic by Association. it feels like no matter how much you try to cleanse your hands and rid them of all the Problematic Elements that you may or may not have, you'll always be Somewhat Problematic.

and that is more than distressing for someone w moral OCD; this gnawing fear of secretly being against their own morals, of being a Problematic Person who likes Problematic Things, and thanks to the widespread online sentiment that if someone does anything Problematic and takes accountability in the 'wrong' way, they're being ostracized 4ever pretty much. so you reflect - and worry and worry and worry - are you problematic? if you think about (x) are you a Problematic Person? does it cancel out what good youve done? are you a Bad Person? youre a Bad Person. because thats what being Problematic is. of caurse.

it's all horrible and counterintuitive,and really. This post put into words a sentiment ive had for a little qhile now. ok byeeee sorry :p

[lava-grunge]

Something I think I'm finally coming to terms with is just constantly being a little bit uncomfortable all of the time, because I don't know if I'm a horrible person with terrible takes or not. And I'm not going to know, until I speak to an actual psychiatrist about my possible OCD and maybe even get on meds.

I don't know for sure, I can never know for sure, because my brain is a liar, it is a trickster God straight out of the twilight zone who has warped my perception of reality just enough to make me question everything.

And that's okay. It's okay to not know and to just sit with it. And it's okay to not know where you stand on nuanced topics. Hell, I'll even go so far as to say it's okay to have a bad take, or a potentially bad take. It's okay, because life is nuanced and messy and we're allowed to be nuanced and messy too.

(Me @ my OCD) YOU WILL NOT GET THE BEST OF ME!

[lava-grunge]

Having moral OCD with hyper-empathy is SUCH a combo

[lava-grunge]

Chidi's relatability suddenly makes A TON of sense 😭