Notes : angst, lovers to exes to strangers, bittersweet ending, idol!sunghoon, fast-paced, both have reasons, everyone gets hurt at one point, communication is the key people gosh, 10 to none dialogues, more on narration
a depiction of what's it like to lose the spark and slowly lose everything of what had been there in silence
How Can You Look At Me And Pretend I'm Someone You've Never Met ?
Maybe it was your fault. Or maybe it was his. Honestly, you can't even remember anymore. Where it started, when it started, how it started.
"See, this is why I told you not to push it, you idiot!" You gently scold the boy, carefully putting ointment on his ankle. His fall on the ice had been a bit bad, the sprain was worse because it had already been hurting and he just had to push himself still.
He groans. "C'mon, it's not that bad—no it's bad! It's bad, so don't do it!" He pleads as your hand threatens to slap his ankle to prove your point.
You fake a scowl and brought your hand to tap gently at his ankle, his foot recoiling in reflex. "We'll have a movie and foodie night instead."
"As you wish, I'll make it up next week, love." He chuckles and leans it to peck your lips, earning a smile from you and a wider one from him.
2 years ago you would never believe you if you told her it would end up like it. She'd cry and he will console her, whispering how absurd it was and promising sugarcoated words that would end up nowhere.
"You... you're giving up figure skating?" You stared at your Sunghoon in disbelief. Was the world ending? There was no way in the seven pits of hell and seven thousand multiverses your ice obsessed boyfriend would ever stop skating.
He smiled sheepishly, but confident. "I figured I would try something new but sure. I think being an idol would suit me as well as good as figure skating too. It's interesting, besides, my looks alone already pass doesn't it?" He wiggles his eyebrows and smiles smugly.
Your eyebrows twitch. "You— that's not the point! Why now? You're almost at the peak, love, why turn it down now? Did something happen?" You know it's not a bad thing to try something new, and your boyfriend had every right to change his mind if he wants, it's his life, but figure skating had been his life since he was a child, your concerns go beyond what interests him.
He smiles fondly at your worry and ruffles your hair. "Nothing happened, love. This just... I don't know how to explain it. It's calling me, [Name]." He says with eyes full of determination and passion, and you can't disagree.
But something about it makes you feel uneasy.
But the present you couldn't even care anymore. At least that's what you forced yourself to do. You couldn't, because if you did, you'd end up ruining yourself. So you stopped.
"Holyshit, I actually got accepted." He shakes his head as he laughs, looking at the invitation letter in his hand.
The uneasiness inside you begins to clot again, but you force it down, not even knowing why it's there. "You say that after all the ego boost for yourself?" You pinch his nose.
He shrugs with a wide grin. "What can I say, charms through and through." You both share a laugh at his usual remarks.
You share his pain throughout the whole hell months of I-Land too. You shared his rants, his frustrations, his vents, his cries, his laughs, his improvements, his new friends, his determination, his persistence, and his passion. You've witnessed it all. His hardwork. The respect and spot he earned.
The smile you wore when he secured his final spot wasn't out of pure happiness for your boyfriend. Sure, you were happy and proud of him for coming and enduring this far, but there was something else.
As his time goes by in I-Land, your uneasiness grows with him. There was something about the thought of him becoming an idol that made you want to vomit. You couldn't place it. You couldn't think of any serious reason why. You tried placing it as just some worry because your dynamics will have to change, but something inside you knew something else was coming.
And it brought tears to your eyes as you clapped for him.
you've sold, i'm holding on too tight
Enhypen was a success. Their debut and overall current standing was smooth sailing and a huge hit. You were happy for them, really.
Belift and Hybe agreed to let you continue your relationship under the condition that you must never meet personally and continue being long distance. It was a hard decision to make, but it was your best shot, better than nothing, so you both took it, settling for calls and messages. You had no complains, everything was going smoothly.
You were happy. The uneasiness didn't bother you much anymore. It was still there, lingering, but wasn't a bother, so you dismissed it as just baseless worry for Hoon. Everything is okay afterall.
Until it proved you wrong.
There it was, the start. With Enhypen's growing fame comes with their growing schedules. Come one, well knew it was coming, inevitable, you understood that from day one. You didn't have any problem with your boyfriend's busy schedule as long as you'd still be together. You could deal with less calls and texts.
But that was the problem.
At first, you thought you were just overreacting because you got a bit used to always getting called after a shoot, Sunghoon would even bring along other members sometimes. The rowdy boys would always tell you how happy they were that this new brand and show collabed with them and how nervous they were. A few minutes later he would kick them out to have some alone times with you and he would tell you every fascination he had with his new idol life. He would tell you every ups and downs, you would see every tear that dripped from his precious eyes and you would console him and remind him of his hardwork. You would be his anchor.
You saw the stars in his eyes whenever he talks about his job, his passion, his newfound dream. Not even figure skating had him in this kind of chokehold.
Until those stories became summarized, the summarized became the name of the brand or the show, the names became 'another shoot', and the shoot became 'how are yous' and 'make sure to eats'. The first few times were easy to let go. You understood it came with their growing schedules, you couldn't blame him for being too tired because they were just starting to get used to being that busy. They don't have the original stamina to keep up with so many things to do. And so you left it alone. You hung up when he says he's tired, when his eyes drop, when he sighs, as a way of letting him rest.
It wasn't until your friend had asked how Sunghoon was that you realized something.
"I've been seeing Enhypen all over the city now too, gosh, you must be so proud!" Your friend gushes at you.
"Ofcourse I am, they've earned this. If they weren't all over the city I would've given them a virtual beating." You laughed and joked.
"In any case, how's Sunghoon, with all these, he must be really busy, huh?" Another asks.
You smiled at them and waved a hand. "Yeah, he's tired and busy."
"Not that, silly. Ofcourse we know he's tired and busy, that's common and usual idol stuff. I meant, any new particular stuff? How are the two or you going?" Your friend laughs and wiggles her eyebrows.
"How would she know what's going on in his stuff, he's the idol, not her, duh!"
"Well, she's not just 'her', she's the girlfriend, duh! Besides, it doesn't have to be idol stuff, we wouldn't know anything about that anyway. I wanna know if there's anything new in their relationship with this new dynamic."
"Tone it down, girl! An idol's life is supposed to be private, she's not supposed to share anything, including their relationship!"
"Sorry, it's just that before, she always knew something eventhough she doesn't tell us. We would at least get bits and pieces, I got too nosy, sorry."
Everything they said was a jab to you. The uneasiness grinned upon you again and swam around your stomach. Your throat ran dry.
She wasn't wrong, infact, she was completely right. Before, you always knew something, you knew everything, so what now? You didn't even notice the change because you were so busy understanding and thinking Sunghoon was tired.
Everything suddenly came crashing down to you. Your mind was in shambles, critiquing, analyzing, asking, looking for answers.
When was the last time you knew what happened in his day? A month or two ago? When was the last time you knew what he ate for lunch? When was the last time he confided in you? When was the last time you told him about your day? When was the last time you had a proper conversation? When was the last time he had asked you about you? When was the last time he looked at you, said he loves you and looked liked he meant it? When was the last time you've had a conversation that lasted more than 10 minutes? When was the last time you saw him smile? Oh, that last question can be crossed out, afterall, you're seeing him smile right now.
You don't notice the tear that drops on your cheek. Your lips unconsciously form a smile, it was shaking. Your mind was spiraling around, thrashing, the relationship you've built over these year threatening shaking. But you keep the smile. How could you not?
His smile does not only reach ear to ear, it reaches his eyes. His eyes are smiling, they're sparkling. He's glowing with happiness, he's radiating success and hardwork.
So how can you feel anything but pride for him?
And so the pit in your stomach reaches and grips your throat.
while you let go, this is casual
"Sunghoon, how was today? I saw the meet, there were so many people. Must be extra tiring." You start, setting down a cup of coffee opening your notes.
And only now do you also notice the loss of the precious petnames that used to always make your stomach churn with butterflies. It makes you pause before turning the page as if it's nothing. As if this is nothing.
How long can you pretend your relationship isn't turning to nothing too?
"Mhmm..." You hear rustling against his mic as he hums, it echoes. He must be in the bathroom.
"Are you in the bathroom? Getting ready for bed?"
No matter how much you tried to recall the details, you can't seem to. It wasn't like there was much to remember. It had been quiet. Too quiet. Almost like your relationship hadn't existed in the first place.
Because there had never been an official break up. There had never been a confrontation. You both just slowly drifted from each other until there was nothing but silence and a ghost of what had been.
You can barely remember how it transpired. The thoughts that ate you away as you tried navigating through your relationship with him. How you didn't even know how he looked like until the release of their new song and comeback.
How you realized you were nothing more than a fan in a label.
How you stared and waited for him while he was out there living his dream, his life. And you were there, trying to wait for what? And so you realized no one and nothing was gonna wait for you.
So you kept yourself together until the one-sided relationship crumbled none.
The saddest part? Both of you didn't seem to care anymore.
You smile bitterly at the thought. It wasn't as if you just forgot and moved on from it. You were bound to never fully move forward from it when it was never settled in the first place. But you learned to live with it, and continued to live as you please.
Seems cold, no? But this is life, it's not gonna wait for anyone to get over something before it makes time fly again. It will keep spinning and going no matter what, you don't have a choice but move along with it. The bitterness is there, the pain lingers, it will still hurt at times, it was never bound to go away with the way things went, but there is nothing you can do live with the decision you made.
In your defense, what could you have done? Should you have confronted him and cried? Begged to fix what was already set? Make a mess of what's already a stack? The relationship once built out of laughter and happiness turned into eerie silence where no one wanted to address anything. You weren't sure you could bear to break that silence and turn it into a more painful series of words, you couldn't bring yourself to dirty the happy memories you once had. And so you kept your silence and just disappeared.
That silence haunted you 'till now, but you cannot bring yourself to care anymore. Let it be there, as long as you can go your life, because you cannot wait again. You cannot stare at someone living their dreams while you make that someone your dream, a dream built on blind faith.
Was it selfish and stupid that you neither broke up nor say anything to him and just left? Maybe. You were young and just lost your first love, you were tormented by the happy memories and torn between breaking up and becoming strangers once again, or risking it and try staying as acquaintances. But at the same time, how could you even have the choice to stay friends when you were already a stranger inside the relationship?
How could you choose to be friends when you've already been something more and ended in nothingness?
how can we go back to being friends when we just shared a bed?
And so you just left because either way, you'll be strangers with memories.
When Sunghoon sees you again in person, not in TV or billboards, he doesn't expect it to be emotional or dramatic.
He almost laughs, why would that even be an option when both of you were closer to horror than melodrama with the ghost of a relationship you had. A stupid thought.
When he sees you walking the same red carpet he and his members walked on earlier, the first thought that crossed his mind was how you ended up in a similar industry as his when you majored a different program. But he guesses people change, he was one of those people, afterall.
When he sees you getting flashed by hundreds of cameras as he did earlier, a sense of bitterness piles up again just like it does at times.
He once loathed the way he let his first love go that way, but he's learned to live with it. He doesn't blame you, not in the slightest, for what you did, for disappearing. Whether you did it for pettiness or whatever, he thinks it was deserved. When you disappeared, he didn't bother calling or texting, because he at least knows and realizes he was an asshole. You left for a reason and he wasn't gonna mess it up for you, he already messed up your relationship.
It was also that time when Sunghoon realizes he was a true Drama King, even taking the 'regret it the end' and 'realizing when it's already too late' trope in real life. He wants to laugh, can this be called dark humor?
Sunghoon didn't weep and beg God for a second chance. He cried when the bitterness seeps at times and lets himself drown with Sunoo's sad playlist at 1 am. Those times were rare because obviously crying at 1 am in bad for you and he's an idol, it's one of his jobs to take care of himself. And so he takes the silence left in the ghost and keeps it inside him.
Call him cringe and dramatic, but what can he do but keep it all in? It's not like he can cry it out every single time.
Besides, he's used to it. Keeping everything until he bears the consequences. That's what happened to him, and the consequence just unfortunately happened to be his first love.
It wasn't like Sunghoon had a sad backstory or childhood shit, but he doesn't need to have one to be able to feel the loneliness and pressure sink in as he tries to become the idol everyone expects him to be. The weight of months of training, and then Iland, debuting and having huge amounts of expectations because they came from a popular label and show. He's had cameras since he was a kid, he's had to keep up a facade since he started figure skating, he shared all of that with you. But the burdens he had when he debuted was something he decided he couldn't keep sharing anymore, he can't let the only person keeping him sane be tainted with his burdens. And so he stays silent until he got so used to staying silent that he forgets to let anything else out.
He carries and accepts everything inside him but how can he not feel anything when you're just a few steps away? A man's first love never dies easily.
But you greet them and walk away like it's nothing. Like he was nothing. Really, what was he expecting anyway? Maybe seeing you again had him go crazy. He laughs bitterly internally because he can't burden his members with this too.
But it hurts, doesn't it?
how can you look at me and pretend i'm someone you've never met?
For some reason though, you don't wish for another chance. You both don't wish or think of a what if. You both don't look back anymore.
Because you both know it will never be the same again, even if you hadn't disappeared. Because nothing was there anymore.
It will ache, but it will never go back again.
