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@lesstobemore
I've been on this journey a good while now.
While I haven't gone back to over 300lbs, during the pandemic, my country's unrest, personal loss and professional challenges, I've certainly back tracked some.
The hardest part was losing my dad last year to COVID. More on that maybe later. It was unexpected and not easy, not anything to be "thankful' for. He suffered and my family suffered.
I've always eaten my feelings. From childhood abuse to adult domestic violence, food comforted me through the worst of my emotions. But food turned my emotions, depression, anxiety, and general mental illnesses into a visceral, tangible weight that I carried around for decades. I hid the emotions, but everyone could see the weight.
After telling him I just wanted to skip my workout and eat Taco Bell, a trainer once told me, "Why does losing weight and dieting have to be so emotional for you? Just forget about all of that and do it."
I did my workout that day and didn't go to Taco Bell, so he did make an impact, but I got a new trainer after that. Every pound, ounce that pulls me down was added on because of my emotions, and to think that loosing all that weight would be an emotionless journey was not only inconsiderate but a bit naïve.
I say all this because, like many of you, 2020 (and 2021) was an emotional year to say the least. I found ways to eat my feelings. While I didn't go back to the person I was before, I still found it easier to eat than to cry or talk.
So I probably sit at around 260lbs right now and I've gone down to 249lbs and back up the last month or so. It's not easy...
So to help, I made my 199 Wall.
I did the math and if I lose 2-3 lbs every week (starting back a few weeks ago so I have some ground to make) I should be at or below 199 by August 15, a special day for me.
It's behind my desk so I see it everyday! The goal! I surrounded it with pictures from where I started (over 300lbs) to pictures of my best selfies. You have to remind yourself you're still beautiful, no matter what your weight it.
I added mementos and cards from friends and family that encourage me and keep me going.
I put up a picture of me and my dad, and my family, to remind me why I have to be a healthier me. My dad may have had a chance if he'd been healthier. I want to set the example for my mom, niece, and others that it's possible to live healthier through all the challenges.
Lastly I have a side of the wall with pictures of my friends (and cats) and of course family is included. These are the people who love me no matter what I look like or how much I weigh.
That's my 199Wall. This is what helps me through the emotional side of my weight loss. Do you have things that help you you want to share? Would something like this help you? I love hearing from people!
If they put you in a box,
fill every corner,
every empty space
until they don’t see a box anymore,
they only see you.
Then stretch your arms
and legs,
lift your head,
and remind them
no one is shaped like a box.
more
the more i ate the more i lost myself the more i found comfort the more i forgot the pain the more i forgot everything the more i gained more the more i became less the more i ate
It’s a viscous cycle. Emotional overeating, eating addition. I didn’t gain this weight because I love food. I do love food. But that came later. I gained this weight because I was hurting, because in those moments, food was the more I found to give me comfort. The more I ate, the less I became. Less of me. Less confidence. Less hope. Less love. Less joy. Less friends. Less time having fun. Less time going out. So much less of everything but so much more food.
Sometimes I feel that less. It pulls at me everyday. But I have to remember my new more. I’m replacing food with friends, family, time doing things I love (like this blog and poetry), my career, more of everything that gives me life. Yes I love food still, but I eat less of it and still eat really good food. I enjoy it. It’s not something I do to cover the pain. Yes it’s my default when I’m in pain, but I have found other defaults (working out, writing poetry, crying like crazy lol).
If I can be more… more of me, more of the woman who weighs less to be more healthy, who eats less to me more active, who is less alone to be more with friends and family, then you can too.
I’ve been through it. That relationship where someone takes everything from you that you feel like you’re worthless afterwords. It’s taken me a long time to convince myself I’m worth it again. So the last thing I want to do is surround myself with people who make me feel that way. . . . I love to be sarcastic, have friendly competition, and joke around. But in the end when it comes to my friends wellbeing, I want the best for them. Don’t get me wrong, if we’re playing a game of Monopoly, I want you to go bankrupt! But in life, I want you to be rich! . . . I need people in my life who want the same for me. On this weight loss journey, accomplishments should be celebrated. Not greeted with harmful sarcasm. I’ve had real harmful wishes thrown my way enough, I don’t need the fake ones too. So if you can’t do that for me, how can I do it for you? Again! Surround yourself with people who make you feel worthy of being your very best person you can be and don’t make you feel guilty for falling short when you’re not quite there yet but encourage and motivate you to keep growing! * * * #jsydsjourney #jsydspoetry #thestruggleisreal #writers_creed #writerscreed #writersfollowwriters #illustrans #teacup13 #lesstobemore #weightlossjourney #fatgirlproblems #worthyoflove #selflovefirst #poetryriot #poetryportal #blotchedpoems #thejourneyisthedestination #domesticviolencesurvivor #besupportive #dontbethatguy
This is part of my story. Before I could lose this weight... I had to overcome this...
I’ve had to let go of some really close long time friends because ultimately they didn’t want what was best for me. I didn’t fit their mold of what they thought I should be and as much as I want to make them happy, as much as I love them and wish I could just say I’m sorry and let go of all the things I’m not and they’re not, in the end the only person I can truly change is me and sadly changing means letting go of the people who are holding me back.
It doesn’t mean I love them less. It doesn’t me I won’t say hello to them as they pass me by or even come running if their seriously in need, that kind of love will never be let go of. But it does mean I need space to spread my wings and fly around on my own for a while and discover who I can be in this world on my own.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and it breaks my heart. I don’t think they understand and perhaps they never will, but I’ll never stop loving them.
True change requires sacrifice. True sacrifice requires courage. True courage is a solo gig.
My philosophy…. @jsydbrantley
Needed a reminder...
A courageous young woman stood against her father when he abused her. We stand with her.. A courageous young woman stood against her father when he abused her and her...
This story broke my heart. Please if anything, just read about it. Victims of abuse very rarely speak up, they are silent. But this young girl had the courage to speak up. Not only to protect herself, but her dog too. She’s a beacon of hope for children across the world suffering silently. If the very least is to share her story, buy the tee to support the cause and wear it so people know, we heard her! We stand with her! We believe her! Then we will do it.
Thank you!
Jennie
a lake of stones/ one for each of them/ a body of skin and bones/ just enough heart left for one like him/ but he came from another shallow lake/ no shortage of heartbreak
20191117
Daily #2,398! Thank you strangers for reminding me of a thing I’m sensitive about. 😩 OTL
There is not a shortage of shallow men out there.
— Prove me wrong.
My philosophy…. @jsydbrantley
Needed a reminder...
My philosophy…. @jsydbrantley
Needed a reminder...
My philosophy…. @jsydbrantley
Needed a reminder...
My philosophy…. @jsydbrantley
Needed a reminder...