My Journey

Trying to figure out life

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

He says he will grow old with me, that we will be 90 years old sitting on a porch

But he can't really believe that right?

Does he not know that his liver will fail by 40 years old?

Is he really that delusional not to see that years of drinking is slowly killing him ?

That when we hit our 20 year anniversary, I'll be visiting a grave stone rather then sitting at our favorite restaurant.

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

You promised yourself that you wouldn't be that mother that "stayed because of the kids"

Yet here you are

Staying because you can't trust the system

Staying because you know that regardless the years are nothing because he only pretends to care when he wants something

Staying because you are a mother who will sacrifice it all for her babies

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

As we are apart

I can breathe

My chest doesn't feel so heavy

I can sleep peacefully even though I am alone

The weight of everything isn't so heavy anymore

I don't have to worry of when you'll come home

There is no fear of how heavy your foot steps are

I feel so at peace as i heal

My body needed this time before I knew it

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

I thought I loved the chaos

I labeled it as crazy in love

But turns out it's abuse

It's gaslighting

It's manipulation

It's control

It's all of the things real love doesn't have

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

I've learned that I wasn't what you wanted

That I'm someone who is just here

You took advantage of it

And I let you.....

I've learned that I lost everything I was to you

Creating a person I don't recognize in the mirror anymore

The bags under my eyes, the weakened fake smile I try to give

The weight I no longer have, just skin and bones

I gave you everything and more

But I was the one who took it all from you though right?

The narcissistic gaslighting Dravo life you have given me

I lived with it , I adapted to it, I learned to accept it

Because that's what victims do ....

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

Just, thank you. For putting into words what I can't ❤️

Thank you for the support ❤️❤️❤️

Stay strong love!

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

I watched you ruin what was left

The absolute last crumb I had left to give

You stomped on it and looked at me for more

But I have no more to give

You ruined every single piece all the way to the crumbs

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

I showed you love when you needed it the most

I showed you compassion when you were breaking

I showed you attention when you were lonely

I showed you that I could give you everything

All while you broke me

Little by little

Destroyed my version of love

You showed me that I could be lonely sitting right next to you

Showed me that compassion isn't what I'm worthy of

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

It's about the way you ruined everything in me

Slowly taking and taking

Bits and pieces of my soul

Took my personality as if it wasn't mine

Like it belonged to you

The way you made my hunger disappear and slowly after my weight followed

How my heart felt like it was going to explode from the anxiety I felt when you walked in the room

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

You start to think you deserved this

That you are in this situation because you deserve this agony

You try and try to make the best of it and try to ignore how miserable it makes you

But you are miserable

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

Chest is heavy when you walk into the room

I feel anxious just from you being near

You bring the fear out in me

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

I stood still

Eyes wide open

Stuck in a flash back

A flash back that made every bone in my body hurt

The kind of memory that made me paralyzed in silence

My skin crawled as if I was being bit a thousand times over and over again

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

I no longer react

I stay silent and walk the other direction

I no longer hunt for evidence

I just assume it's there and move on

I no longer waste every minute waiting for a answer

I know you didn't care

I no longer have love for you

I'm here for the kids now

I'm finally detached

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

You are just a shell

When I look into your eyes it's empty

Your bones are showing now

You look like you are barely fighting to live anymore

You have no emotions

You are just a shell

And soon

You will be nothing at all

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

He broke me in a way that made me feel as though I was never enough

He broke me in a way that felt like my chest was heavy when he was near and when he was gone it was empty

He broke me in a way that I battled, loving him and hating him at the same time

He broke me in a way that I don't know what's the truth or whats a lie in every situation

He broke me in a way that I don't know who I am or who I even was before him.

He broke me without a care

A.Val

[lifeofafreckledredhead]

I lost everything loving you

I lost my sanity

I lost My identity

I lost my standards

I lost my morals

I lost my boundaries

I lost myself loving you

A.Val