Life With Borderline Personality Disorder

My ups and downs of living with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I will be honest and explain my feelings and experiences. Names will be changed.

[lifewithborderline]

[lifewithborderline]

[lifewithborderline]

Sorry long post but worth it.

Im now in an amazing relationship with the most caring man. I've realized how the past relationships I've had have been abusive and had made my episodes come out. They played with my mind and made me insecure, and they knew how to make me the bad guy. But now the guy im with helps me see that abuse because he reacts so differently than im used to. There was a day that i was buckling in his kid and i set my coffee on the center console and said careful i set me coffee there and he forgot by the time he climbed in and knocked it over spilling it on the seat. I immediately began to apologize because i knew it was my fault and was prepared for shouting and blaming i was used to from past relationships but he just started apologizing and telling me it wasnt my fault as i had warned him and he was the one to knock it over. I tried not to cry because this was not the reaction i was used to, and the relief i felt was insane. It seems like a small thing to most people, but to me, this was amazing. There have been times when ive had a bad day or a few in a row and he just comes into our room and kisses me on the head and says if i need to talk he is here and asks if i need anything. He doesn't make me feel bad for having an off day, and he always makes sure i know he loves me. I had told him one day that i was scared he was going to get frustrated or just done with my up and down mental health, and he would leave me. To that, he said, "You know i love you, right? And i won't leave you." Then he kissed my hand. I told him i do know that, but when im not in a good mental place, i dont often believe it. He nodded his head and said ok i understand. I think this was his was of making a mental note to ensure he says i love you even more on my bad days. Having someone understanding and loving is making all the difference in my episodes. I hope others can find a partner as sweet and understanding as mine.

[lifewithborderline]

[lifewithborderline]

I am a grinch. I hate christmas. I hate the amount of people that are out. I hate that the focus is on gifts and wants. I hate that people have no consideration for those around them. I hate it. I went to walmart today to grab a few groceries and check out a few gifts i had left to get. In almost every aisle there was someone who had to take up the whole aisle and not be willing to move unless i said "excuse me can I pass by?". Why do i feel like the only person that actually pays attention to the people around me and tries to always be considerate? Its not that hard to pull your cart to the side and stand beside it while looking at the shelves. Its ridiculous to have your cart sideways and blocking the aisle. Yes im overreacting right now but my social anxiety makes me mad just being out but when there is inconsiderate people it makes me rage. How do i achieve that level of not caring? It seems like life is so much better for those who only care about themselves. Id love to not be constantly thinking and worrying im in someone's way or that what i say is annoying. I wish i didnt have a brain anymore. Im just sick of people. Im sick of christmas. Im sick of life. I cant do this anymore. Everyone is so selfish. Why cant i be selfish? Why do i have to give up my happiness for everyone else?

[lifewithborderline]

My ex wont leave me alone and im so F-ing done. Its been 2 years i have not replied or spoken to her in any way. Yet she will not stop leaving voicemails. Shes blocked on everything and has tried over and over to contact me. Usually the messages are her being herself and telling me to unalive myself and how awful of a human i am. Im so sick of it. Like 2 years of silence from me is not enough? What else can i do? I just wish she'd F off. I dont want to hear her voice or think of her. She Abused me in more ways than one. She made me get to the point i believed I was insane. She made me want to unalive myself. Then after 3 years of that she kicked me out and threw everything i owned out in the snow. Then charged ME with assault. (She broke my finger and smashed my face up good and the only thing i ever did to her was push her away from me). And after all that she thinks i would want to talk to her or even see her. She needs to find someone who can show her how shitty of a human she is. Im so beyond frustrated by this. My mental health isnt great right now and her adding to this isnt helpful. Ugh im so done

[lifewithborderline]

I just want someone, anyone, to care. I give my all to everyone but no one wants to be around me unless they need something from me. I wasnt even going to be invited to my moms bday party but i was last minute because my sister needed a ride. I told her no i could take her as i had plans. Family only cares when it benefits them. Its happened before this event too. My nephews birthday party. My mom slipped up and mentioned it and only then, the day before the party, was i invited. I declined as i had plans for the weekend already. Then later when i visited the nephew he told me how sad he was that i didnt come to his birthday. I just am sick of being forgotten. I am done. I just want to be done this life. Its sucks. Just everything is to much for me now. I cant do this. I just fucking cant.

[lifewithborderline]

Did you know that you can not eat anything for days or only eat a few bites when you are gonna pass out, and be losing weight but because you arent skin and bones no one notices and they all tell you how great you look and whatever you're doing its working? I don't eat because I gain weight. I've trained my body to think food is gross and not to want it. Yes i feel sick and yes my mental health is getting worse but hey "its working" right? Im glowing. Yeah right

[lifewithborderline]

Do you ever just feel so alone and empty that you just wanna die so at least someone might care? Probably not. Im just crazy and depressed. I wish someone could care for me. I wish someone would be willing to take the time to love every piece of me. I wish someone would make me feel wanted.

[lifewithborderline]

Trigger warning

Life never fails to throw things in my path when life is going well. My mental health has been up and down and my relationship with my gf has been up and down but more up lately as ive felt more connected and open with her. My relationship with my little sister has been a bit strained as i did not want to be around her jerk of a boyfriend and her girlfriend. But they broke up with her and needed my support so i had her over and we had a great open conversation. She opened up about a flashback she had and had questions about. She said she was about 5 and she was under the table with no clothes on and just me and my dad were home with her, mom came home early and me and dad came out from somewhere else in the house. We talked about how i have very few memories with my dad but i remember that day. I remember before mom left she put a phone in the bathroom bottom drawer and told me if something happened i should call and she would come home. Well i have no memory of what happened until mom came home early and dad freaked out. I know i called her but i do t remember why or what i said to her. I remember being scared. But being scared wasnt a new feeling when i was with me dad. I dont know why i was scared of him either. I have so many memories of going out with my dad but dont remember what happened when i got in the car. Only one memory i have was being pulled over by a cop because we didnt have seat belts on. My dad told me not to tell mom and if i did i would be in trouble and it was my fault that we got caught. So when my mom got something in the mail about the ticket she asked me and told me it was dads fault for not being responsible and i should have told her. Anyway, my sister bringing up this memory led to an immediate migraine. After she left i started crying, part from the pain in my head and part i didnt know why. I ended up having a panic attack but thankfully my partner was able to help get it under control fairly quickly. Many people have told me that i seem to act like i was abused as a kid and i never believed them. But now im not sure. Did i block memories because i was and couldnt handle it? Theres not much information on repressed memories or anything like that that ive been able to find. But looking up things that kids do when they have been abused sexually it was like describing me to a T. I dont know how to process something that only my body remembers and i dont know if i want to know what happened. It brings so many questions up and so much frustration. Nothing gives me answers. Mom doesnt remember, she has had brain surgery and lost a lot of her memories and she probably blocked some too if it was that bad. My little sister has blanks too. My older sisters dont know or wont say anything. And i dont talk to my dad anymore and dont really want to. I had a few really rough mental days but now i just dont know where to go from here. I havent seen my counselor in a while and am waiting for my appt to come up. I feel so lost, and depressed over something i dont know really happened. Its frustrating that i dont want to be at work, i just wanna crawl into bed and stay there. I cant seem to sleep. When i do sleep its that awful surface sleep that i can head everything happening around me and when i wake up it feels like i havent slept. Now it doesn't help that im getting sick.

Sorry that this probably is long, boring and doesnt make sense. But that how my brain is now.

[lifewithborderline]

Im not ok. My girlfriend broke up with me and ive been a mess. I have been not sleeping well and barely eating and doing nothing but working. I am having the hardest time being ok at work. I asked work if i could take a few mental health days because i was at a breaking point. But they wouldn't let me since we are extremely short staffed. I hate taking days off so i will work through everything. So when i do ask for time off or call in sick its gotta be serious and it was. I was struggling with suicide ideation so much and it was looking more and more inviting to not be a part of this world anymore. The only way i got through those 2 last days of work were knowing id see my counselor that Friday after work. My counselor is the best one ive ever had. She doesnt even have to have me answer her question fully or say anything directly, she just knows what i mean and what i feel. She knows how to help me validate my feelings and not feel worthless. Thanks to her and some alcohol i spent the weekend ok. Now im falling again. I just dont know how to stay up. Everything hurts.

[lifewithborderline]

Drive-in restaurants and movie theaters need make a comeback. Im tired of everything being shut down.

[lifewithborderline]

Last night i was folding laundry when i got a text from my mom telling me a 17 yr old girl in my hometown had passed from covid. I couldn't believe it. When we first moved to the small town we lived next door to this family, I babysat this girl many times. Now I visit her grandmother everyday. Today i dreaded the visit with the grandma because i knew she would be grieving and i knew it would break my heart. This lovely grandma told me how it all happened and how the parents of the girl were not able to go to the hospital with her since they were in quarantine. The hospital call the parents and said to get down here now and they were able to say goodbye. I cant imagine how awful it is for those parents and for that while family. Just a week before there was a big debate in my town about mask wearing and how most people just dont follow the guidelines. There were lots of people saying how covid is just the flu and that the government just wants control. I hope those people feel like shit after finding out this poor girl passed. Just because you havent seen the effects of covid personally does not mean its not real. I am sick of people who think they know better than people who devote their lives to studying something. I personally do everything in my power to make everyone around me safe, i wish others would care as much as i do.

[foreverscarredteen]

can we talk about how fucking exhausting it is constantly trying to distract yourself from your own mind? not being able to have any real time to relax yourself because you’re so terrified of your own head is so mentally and physically draining and if it’s something you’re going through i’m so sorry and i love you. this is a very real and common side effect of depression/anxiety/other mental health issues and more people need to talk about it.

[lifewithborderline]

When I was fourteen, a mental health specialist told me that if I was older, she would diagnose me with BPD. I told my parents, and they told me she didn't know how to do her job, "you can't have that", so on. I'm ashamed to say it, but I believed them. Fast forward three years, and I looked up the symptoms more out of idle curiousity than anything else, and almost all of them fit. That was a bit of a ramble, so I'm going to get to the point: do you have any advice?

Hello,

Some people don't believe someone could have this because of how BPD is portrayed. We are made to sound manipulative, and crazy. In all honesty its hard to have people reject things because they know so little about it. I hope that doing your research didn't frighten you or that you didn't find the sites that make it sound awful. When I first learned that I had BPD I found websites that made me scared to get close to anyone and made it sound like everyone, even therapists, would reject me. I thankfully had a great doctor that explained that I could live a normal life but that id just feel things deeper than others. It calmed me. My advice to you is to find a support system that will encourage you. Read materials that dont put you down. Be open and educate the people in your life about the disorder. They need to know its not a horrible life sentence. With help of Dbt and/or meds most become stable. Everyone is different though. I used meds for a bit but im better without them. DBT was a life saver for me. Please learn what you can so you can teach others. Thats the advice I have at the moment. Im sorry if that doesn't help. Im always open to messages if you need anything.

[lifewithborderline]

I guess I'd like to know if you have any advice on how to get over people who clearly don't want you in their lives? Like a lot of the time I'm okay, but then I feel the urge to come back, probably because I have literally nobody (I'm very wary of people and as such not good at meeting new people, and the ones I meet I always drive away a few months down the line anyway) and that can be lonely, but it's clear that they wanted me to leave and have no interest in ever seeing my face or hearing anything I say ever again. All they had to say was "You'll crawl back anyway 🙄". Like they don't want me, they hate me at best and feel completely indifferent towards me at worst, they never reached out to me, didn't check on me, they surely wanted to leave me anyway. But some part of me is like "What if you're a dumb bitch and just misinterpreting everything?" and like I know that that part is wrong and just saying shit because it's lonely and wants to annoy these people again even though that'd be selfish because they don't want me there. Plus even if it weren't selfish, I'm in the second to last year of school which means that in a year they'll leave me anyway and never talk to me again and if I got back with these people now it'd hurt me in a year again.

Also I feel like maybe it's important to say that a lot of these fallouts I have with people aren't directly related to BPD (I mean, some are, but not all) but instead to a trigger. I mean, I don't know if I should call it a trigger since technically I don't have diagnosed PTSD or CPTSD, but they're just things that make me remember traumatic memories that affect me a lot to this day and that shaped me as a person, and when I hear the phrase that makes me relive those things I usually get all anxious and my heart starts beating faster and I get hot flushes and I feel like I need to run away, like I need to run away from everything and everyone close to that phrase or it will happen again, like the situation will literally be recreated in real time by these people sooner or later, so I need to run away before it happens, I need to run because I'd rather die than go through all that again. So to others I suppose it looks like I freak out, start crying, either get really angry or look absent and start saying some wild shit (to me the things make complete sense because they're directly related to the things I went through, but I think that it may sound off-topic or nonsensical to others) and then it devolves into me apologising for no reason (my default response to someone doing something to me or blaming me for something is to apologise. In my life I've just learned that that's the best course of action to minimise the harm, along with just being quiet and taking everything), and then I just leave. Usually I don't show myself there / around the people ever again if those people and the place aren't something I have to be around. If it's like, family or school, I usually don't show up for a few months, often I just tell my doc that I feel totally like shit and suicidal and she sends me to a psych ward for like 3 months. I never really told anyone any of that because it's embarrassing. People already think that I'm a lunatic r*tard for having ADHD (not making this up. A part of my family literally thinks that I should be locked away specifically for that, and when I told some of my peers that I have ADHD, they literally said "You're a r*tard ? But you don't look like one! I thought you were smart!"), I don't need people laughing at me because I have some memories that probably wouldn't make others feel the way I do.

I am so sorry that there are cruel people in the world. I could rant about how they are the very thing they are calling you but ill save my breath. First I'd like to point out that you do not need to be diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD to have triggers. Trauma affects us. Our minds are sensitive and take a long time to heal. It sounds like your trauma leads you to have panic attacks. I used to have that happen to me a lot, its lessened out now so I have maybe one or two a year.

I understand what you mean when you say that the person seems like they don't want you in their life, I've had people do that to me. But in all honesty, its so much better that they aren't in my life. I went through ups and downs when I left/they pushed me away. And I wanted to come crawling back to them. They knew I would and they wanted that because my person was a manipulative b*#$%. I know your person might not be the same as mine but if they don't wanna be in your life then they don't deserve to have you. You are amazing. And no one should be able to take that away from you or make you feel less.

I know its lonely not having friends. I suck at making friends. When I moved across the country for this person and for school I had no one. The person treated me like dirt. And I had no friends. Then I moved home and was excited to have my old friends again. Only to see they didn't care anymore. They had made other friends and wanted nothing to do with me. So I get it. But keep trying to make friends. My biggest thing for me is to be open with people about my mental health from the start. That way you see who stays a lot quicker in than if you were to not say anything till you felt attached. It still hurts to see people leave after you tell them but it hurts less. I know there are lots of jerks in this world but there are a few golden people left.

Now to answer your question of how to get over someone who doesn't want you. It is hard. It won't be easy to clear the hurt but its possible. Talking about to someone and explaining all the emotions helps. But when you don't have anyone who will listen or don't have a therapist then writing out everything is the best option. Write a letter to the person and vent everything you feel. Then you can send it or burn it. I did that a few times, and I burnt the letters. Other ways are providing yourself with some self care. Find something that helps you think clearly and calms you. For me its sitting next to the river near my home or sitting in a hot shower for an hour. It can be anything you find helps as long as its healthy.

I dont know if I answered your question or not but basically it will take time but small things will ease the pain. Don't bottle feelings and be willing to forgive. Forgiveness takes time, im still working on it after 1.5 years. But it will happen.

Thanks for asking and if I can help in anyway im just a message away. ❤

[lifewithborderline]

Hello! I am new to this blog, it was recommended to me by a trauma advice blog, and I wanted to ask if this is mostly your personal blog or if people can also asks questions about BPD. I couldn't find any BPD advice blogs on my own so I'm just hoping that the advice blog actually recommended me advice blogs

Hello, welcome to my blog! My blog is sort of both. I answer questions people have about BPD or mental illnesses and at the same time I share my experiences with living with BPD. I'd be more than happy to answer any questions you have. I speak from my own experiences mostly but I have gone to university for psychology, so I do have some understanding in that field. I do not claim to be an expert at all. So I apologize if that is what you are looking for. Feel free to message me or ask another question.