a. g.

lower-case, bi, girl?, in love

[himbomarleau]

Thinking about a scenario where Marleau goes to all stars instead of Ilya because Ilya is injured and he ends up hanging out with Shane all weekend and they actually hit it off? Shane is nervous because he knows Marly is Ilya's bro and he doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of him. Marleau is sticking with Shane because he's a bit in awe of playing on the same team as The Shane Hollander. Eventually Shane starts letting out his bitchy one liners under his breath and Marleau is eating it up. By the end of the weekend they are a chirping machine. Marleau is teeing Shane up and Shane is landing the most devastating insults.

Marleau comes back to Boston and is like man Roz you would love Hollander if you could get past the rivalry and Ilya is just staring wide eyed at him. Marly is going off about how funny Shane is and talking up his hockey iq. Ilya is just like ha ha. Yes. If only I didn't hate his guts... meanwhile he's furiously texting "Jane" "Marleau is my friend. You can't have him"

[chrisweedpiano]

one of my favorite posts of all time

[argillaforma]

if anything ilya is the guy with a 5 step curl routine and shane has been using the same brand of shampoo that yuna bought him when he was 15

[whosname]

[id. A twitter post by @/Bennieeexyz Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat. Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records. My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now. Called the county clerk. Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty. Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons? Me: Yes, but he's a cat. Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county? Me: He's a legal cat. Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption. Me: He can't file anything. He has paws. Clerk: You can file on his behalf. Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat." Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons." Me: What's the medical reason? Clerk: He's a cat. Me: That's not a medical condition. Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving. Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later. "Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement." Took the letter to my vet. Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty. Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty? Me: Excellent question. No good answer. Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten. Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve? Vet: On what grounds? Me: He's a cat. Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings." Me: Perfect. Sent it in. Got another rejection. "Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court." My roommate thought this was hilarious. Roommate: Felix is going to jail. Me: This is serious. Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens. Decided that was actually the only option left. Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters. Checked in at the courthouse. Clerk: Name? Me: Felix Martinez. Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix? Me: Yes. Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat. Me: I've been saying that for six weeks. Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption? Me: I filed three. All rejected. Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief. Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation? Me: Twice. Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this. Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me. Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote? Me: You tell me. Supervisor: This is a data error. Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out. They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience. Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry. Me: Appreciate it. Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted? Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats. Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card. For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was. Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud. Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent. Roommate: That's what they all say. Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now. Fitting end to his legal career. end id]

[argillaforma]

yeah yeah ilya is a big strong russian man who can break your skull on and off the ice but don’t forget that man is also a Diva™️ he is using eight different hair products and he has shit talking sessions with svetlana while cuntily smoking cigarettes and he clocks everybody’s tea and he loves ugly designer clothes and his hips sway like a pendulum when he walks and if there’s one thing he’s gonna do it’s be dramatic about it

[indomie-fried-noodle]

Cliff Marleau, I'm so fond of you.

[ilyarozanovsmouth]

You can literally see it in his eyes:

When he realizes that Shane isn't actually upset and he's going to have so much fun with this. His little smile, too!!

[sparklequeen1989]

Shane doesn't use the Pride Tape on his stick. He doesn't like the feel of it, he likes his specific tape and his routines. After the Fanmail Outing, a reporter asks him if he's going to use the Pride tape now and Shane is like "no? It's cool that other people use it but it's not for me" and people keep bugging him about it and someone online posts a big thing about internalized homophobia and Shane just posts online

"I'm not homophobic, I'm autistic, thanks for making me reveal something about myself I wasn't sure I wanted the public to know about AGAIN"

And Ilya, who never used the Pride Tape because of the whole Being Russian thing just posts a selfie of him and Shane post-fuck with the quote

"how can I be homophobic, my bitch is gay"

[ivviannaa]

shane comes to dinner with hayden and jackie alone, explaining that ilya had to go to a meeting with wiebe or fulfill some other captain duty, and makes a joke about how hayden must be happy that things are 'back how they used to be.' and obviously hayden laughs along and agrees, but internally he's horrified because his immediate reaction was disappointment. he misses ilya. he doesn't know when the hell he began to count on ilya's presence, but he clearly was now

cue later that night with hayden nearly in tears being like "we're friends, jackie. i am FRIENDS with ILYA ROZANOV. this is awful" and she thinks it's the funniest thing ever

[aslongasitsblack]

yes shane not realising people are flirting with him but also shane not realising that HE is flirting with men he finds attractive shane who naturally flutters his big brown sparkly eyes more often whenever hes talking to a big strong handsome man shane who automatically tilts his head slightly down so his gaze is directed upwards shane whose voice turns soft and buttery while he’s delivering smooth jabs and quick compliments shane whose mouth quips into a glint of teeth and scratches the back of his neck so his bicep strains against the cuff of his t shirt shane who says ‘yeah you’d like that?’ without thinking and hums round and airy ‘mhmm’ in acknowledgement shane insisting ‘i was NOT flirting with him.’ when ilya brings it up later and ilya shrugs and says ‘you cannot help it…you’re super gay…i don’t mind, im the only one that makes you nervous’ and grins wickedly while shane blushes and makes a sound in the back of his throat as ilya descends upon him

[brokentoasterrr]

ilya posts a video on instagram with the caption “my husband and the dog he didn’t want” and it’s shane cradling anya like a baby outside the vet’s office whispering “you were so brave, honey. we’ll get you a pup cup on the drive home and you can sit in my lap while papa drives. you did such a good job when the scary lady poked you. such a good girl” and people everywhere lose their fucking minds

[brokentoasterrr]

i hate that you’re so right re: the orthorexic tendencies (and everything else. shane is buying slow feeder bowls and treat puzzles and feeding anya dog friendly soup once a week)

[hollanderthoughts]

What can I say he made my hookup apartment feel like a hookup HOME <3

[bad3idea3]

So Shane Hollander is put on IR for something minor and gets to join the Ottawa WAGs for a game. They are so jazzed they get him a WAG jacket just for the occasion. They’re coming down the stairs of the stadium in a pack and the jumbotron catches them. The WAGs all jump up and down and start waving, grabbing and pointing to Shane’s jacket as he blushes, until one new girl in platform heels buckles her ankles and nearly biffs it.

NEARLY because Shane Hollander catches her with his professional athlete reflexes. With no room to move on the crowded steps, he pulls her into a bridal carry like she weighs peanuts and twists and shuffles her to a seat. He places her down gently and gets on one knee to ask if she’s ok. She is truly swooning. Everyone in the stadium is swooning.

Shane rights himself and to his surprise a grown woman and girlfriend of his teammate is requesting “uppies”. He tries to laugh it off. Dr. Lisa Hayes announces “You guys are amateurs, watch this!”

She sprints up a couple of steps, turns, and jumps. Shane catches her immediately, but flops her into a fireman carry. He goes full captain about how unsafe this is and they should all know better. He then puts Lisa down just as gently and she high-fives the new girl with no remorse.

Every Centaur accuses Shane of trying to steal their girl. Ilya wants “uppies”.

[scunthotter]

Ilya and the Centaurs hanging out with all of Ilya’s old teammates after playing Boston. Ilya does his disappearing act (aka going outside to talk to Shane for 30 minutes) and the Centaurs and the Bears are chatting and they start talking about the person they all have in common when Bood kinda shares a look with Hayes and goes "So, like, when he was in Boston was he this..."

"Scarily obsessed with Shane Hollander?" Cliff chimes in " Yeah, we're all a little worried he moved to Canada to stalk the man."

Everyone at the table gives a half hearted laugh at the "joke".

Ilya comes back, not even smelling like cigarettes smoke and the first thing he says is "Did you see the deke Hollander pulled against the Admirals goalie tonight." and no they had not seen it because they had all, Ilya included, been playing hockey at the time. Which means that from their perspective he had just been outside looking at Hollanders highlights for 30 minutes and suddenly everyone at the table is just a little less convinced. Like Cliff was just joking.

Probably.

Rozanov was almost definitely not stalking Shane Hollander.

That would be crazy right?

[regainingparadise]

When #myshane retires, he doesn’t go into coaching or podcasting or whatever.

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

I think that, if he’s not the one actually playing, this would be a dream job. It involves Knowing Things About Hockey, Judging Shitty Hockey Players, Getting Recognized As The Best at Hockey, Being Correct, and Making Hockey Better. He should get to do all these things

[strawberry-crocodile]

ill be real the "poly people are uglyyy" thing just feels like cope? like theyre in a polycule. they have directly proven that multiple people find them hot enough to want to be in a relationship, often sexual, with. you have what? one single Monogamous Jessica, and you're terrified she'll leave you as soon as she sees a rooster with bigger tail feathers?

[strawberry-crocodile]

we have a winner folks, @some-stars got it in one

[limpwristedrose]

Someone asking Luca after Shane's first season as AC on the Centaurs: "So, is it difficult with basically three captains, especially if two of them are married that must be hard to get used to.

And Luca and the other rookies being like, oh you mean the Dad-Trifecta? it's the best thing that has ever happened to us.

You loose your skates or you need help with paperwork or you're just feeling kinda sad and need a dad hug - you go Bood. he will grill you some chicken and go speak to Coach for you. You call him or Cassie if you're sick and they will pick you up and deposit you on the floor with Milo and you are their baby now. I'm 23 years old but that's my dad tho

If you're having trouble with other players, or if you're in like, a crisis? Mama Bear Ilya, will 100% get arrested for any of us and/or pick you up from the middle of nowhere any time of night. You wanna ragebait other players? He has the perception of a God and can tell from one look when a players second wife will leave him. He can also tell when you're feeling like shit mentally and he will pick you up take you to Harris farm and make you dog walk with him while throwing sweets at you. Holmberg got high sticked the other week Ilya spent like, 2 hours going through the guys Instagram with us while wine drunk and ripping his entire life to pieces with us.

and Shane? He will come early to practice for you, he will tell me things wrong with my playing I didn't know EXISTED. Boyle was in a slump Hollander turned up at our house with a fucking smoothie get your ass out of bed we're going to the rink and he will completely pull apart your playing style with such precision that's it's beautiful to watch and I'm not even mad about it. Roz will be giving a fucking captains speech about how we can do better next week and he'll fucking pipe up in the corner going, well we will if Lapointe improves his footwork Coach, we're gonna be staying late on Saturday and Wiebe is like, sounds good Hollander like COACH you can't Agree For Me and he'll just go, Shane Hollander is giving you a private lesson I don't care what you're doing cancel it