LOBSTER SALAD

There are a lot of lobsters in the sea, maybe you’ll find yours in a salad!

[lobster-salad]

How are some people just able to do a French/Dutch braid for other people? You would have to have practiced on someone so many times and given them so many god awful braids

[lobster-salad]

The best part about falling asleep while listening to music is that you wake up to it and it’s sounds better than it usually does

....Downside is you miss your class cause of your nap

[i-am-a-fish]

I scream!

You scream!

We all scream!

[lobster-salad]

WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?????????

[lobster-salad]

The Flex Tape Guy is the epitome of Big Dick Energy don’t @ me

[lobster-salad]

I think it’s fine if you complain about your job, say you dread the work, and claim you’ll call in “sick” the next day if on the inside you know you don’t hate your job as much as you bitch about it with your colleagues and friends. That’s when you know you like the work you do!

[lobster-salad]

People who are allergic to water are probably just secretly mermaids. My proof? H2O: Just Add Water

[lobster-salad]

I was invited to a Sauce Party...

[lobster-salad]

I feel like Martha Stewart could kick my ass

[lobster-salad]

Lobster Story!

So was recently at an aquarium and I saw that a lobster was lying on its side and thought, “well damn! Did it get knocked over or something? Will it ever get up? Why is it like that????” But then, I realized something bigger was happening.

THERE WAS A LOBSTER EATING HALF A DISEMBODIED LOBSTER ON TOP OF THE SIDEWAYS LOBSTER

The cannibal lobster was saving the sideways lobster for later and making sure no other lobster came for its meal.

So, it was at a family friendly aquarium that I learned that lobsters engage in cannibalism when in captivity

🎉

[lobster-salad]

A Story

Turtle:

Me: Oh! Hallo little friend! Do you have little turtle buddies?

Turtle:

Me: NoooOOOooo! Don’t leave! I want to meet your friends! Don’t do this to me!!!!

Turtle:

Me: nooOOOOOOOOOOOoooo!!!!!

And that is how a turtle broke my heart. Fuck you Franklin

[lobster-salad]

If you want to be famous, you should star in a shit ton of commercials. People are forced to watch you while they’re watching tv, you don’t have to be a great actor, and I’ll be damned if the My Pillow Guy isn’t making millions and living in a mansion!

[lobster-salad]

Memes on Twitter are the new cartoons in the newspaper

[lobster-salad]

Dating Advice

If I guy wants to take you to the movies for a date, stuff your bag with a 5 course meal. That shit is so dark, you can hide anything from him