the hardships of being

20 | english & russian | enthusiast, writer and gamer — or a moth cover photo by graves-yard !!

[loudmothbother]

overcoming perfectionism is difficult. it pollutes every thought and creeps into those areas of life where, it would seem, it does not belong. i want to use this blog not only as a way to share my interests, thoughts, and creativity, but also as a way to combat the perfectionism i suffer from. so, enjoy!

[loudmothbother]

obligatory price month art ft. old man cosmic yaoi and rocks

[kokica1]

Thinking about Eridians loafing like cats and it's everything.

[kokica1]

Thinking about Eridians knocking shit off countertops for the fucking hell of it just like cats do, too, so there's that.

[loudmothbother]

eridians who help each other minimize their pain by nesting closer and vibrating — purring — the same way as cats do with their humans

[loudmothbother]

i love the fact that so many people figured that ryland must have been the brother who had to suffer additional pressure from their father, leading to courtland taking the man's life, and yet, when i watched court's confession, my train of thought went a little sideways, so

the twins were separated at birth. their mother wanted to get away, and she was allowed to by their father — allowed, because she knew without it she'd be found dead sooner than later — but she had to leave court with him, because he was old enough to be of use, and one of the twins — because their father wanted another child, it just so happened that two were born

and she did, leaving colt with him. she moved, and she gave ryland the life all of her children deserved, except that she never told him about who she had to left behind for him to be safe. and while, yes, the man wanted to have a second son, that want soon turned into demand, explaining why he had so many expectation for colt to follow in the first place

and all of that means that court protected colt, because ryland had their mother to protect him

[loudmothbother]

tom ryder having unrequited feelings for ryland grace? amazing. tom ryder not comprehending the possibility of his feelings being unrequited and so trying to pursuit grace through ambiguous gestures of attention? fantastic. tom ryder approaching grace — again — on set to greet him, smacking his ass, not realising it's colt? marvelous. tom ryder freaking out, simultaneously refusing to admit it as well as that he made a mistake, and so pretending it was, in fact, his initial intent, because that's what you do with your bros, and what do you mean you never saw him do it before, he does it all the time with all of his buddies? stunning.

[graves-yard]

I got attached to this post @loudmothbother made and needed to write some softness. Here’s Colt getting flowers for his and Jody’s first date.

————

Colt had blood congealed up in his nose. He keeps trying to sniff it back up, causing this gross, snorting sound to come out. There was a clot in there just begging to pop and create the new modern bloody Genesis Flood right here in California.

That sounded kinda cool actually. Like a movie where there’s this big blood-filled typhoon that wipes out California. They could call it like, “Blood Tides” or something. He bet he could think of a million cool stunt ideas for that. Maybe he should tell Jody about it.

Jody! Right, right, Jody. Jody, Jody, Jody.

Colt wipes his nose against his jacket, quickly checking to make sure there wasn’t any blood. He works his half-jog up to a full jog as he makes it to the plant store.

“Woah, wait, wait, wait!”

He slams his hand against the shop door, stopping it short with a loud jingle from the door’s bells just before the man could close it.

“Sorry, sorry,” he quickly apologizes, snorting up another blood clot. “I just need to pick something out real quick. I’ll be really fast, I promise. In and out.”

The man—shorter than Colt, but not at all small—glares at him through dark, hooded eyes. His hand is still on the door and he looks about ready to slam it shut on him. Colt tries working up the charm on the stranger, leaning harder against the door and smiling pleasantly.

“Really, it won’t be long at all,” he says. “I have a date in about 20 minutes that I really do not want to be late for. First date, you know? She’s from my work, and we’ve been flirting back and forth for a while, but we finally said ‘screw it’ and bit the bullet—”

“You get five minutes if you just stop fucking talking.”

The man’s surprisingly deep voice cuts him short. He opens up the door and Colt practically falls inside. He nods his thanks at the shopkeeper, wiping his sore nose again and walking inside.

The shop was packed full of plants of all kinds. Ceiling to floor, they were everywhere. There were carts lined up in the middle of the small store, creating very narrow aisles that Colt definitely wouldn’t be able to go through without knocking into one of those hanging plants and tipping the whole thing over. The worker wasn’t that much smaller than him, he was actually just as built. How the hell did he make it through them so easily?

Eventually, in the sea of green, Colt’s eyes catch on the flowers. They have a whole bunch of them built up in bouquets, colorful, rich, and plentiful.

“Woah,” Colt heads straight for them. Carefully stepping around a couple floor plants and leaning over the display. He points at them with dirt underneath his fingernails. “Do you guys make those yourself?”

The man walks behind the display, shoulders hunched. “I just make sure they don’t die. Elli cuts and arranges them. She’s got a better eye than I do.”

Colt grunts. He stands back up, chewing on his lip and tapping his foot insistently. He stares at the rows of pretty flowers, slowly spiraling into anxious thoughts about what Jody would like. She wasn’t too girly. Feminine, but not overly so. She wore makeup, liked dressing lighter in earthier tones, but still mostly had her hair up messily and stuck to a lot of shirts and pants. He remembers one jumpsuit of hers having flowers on it. They were pink, or maybe white. Maybe lilies? Lilies were nice flowers, right?

He thought about how the word “lilies” would sound with her accent. He could practically hear her surprise, see the eyebrows raising, a smile she was actively fighting as he shoved them under her nose.

“‘Lilies? For me?’” Colt whispers to himself, chuckling at his horrible intimation of her voice. His face flushes and he reaches out to thumb at a flower’s petals, rubbing his nose again with his other hand.

“Those aren’t lilies.” The man startles him, making him jump.

“I know,” he clarifies. He clears his throat, dropping both of his hands and shifting on his feet. He snorts his nose again. “I was just talking to myself. Do you have any lilies? Pink ones? Or white, I’m not picky. She’d probably like it either way. Or just throw them away.”

He just levels him with a hard stare. With their awkward staring contest, Colt could see a bit more of the guy. Mostly, the hunched shoulders half hiding the distinct lack of a left arm. Not that it was any of his business. He doesn’t stare.

Colt sniffs again. The smell of the place was really irritating it now.

The man points at a mostly yellow bouquet. “We only have those right now, but I wouldn’t get them for a date.”

“Oh,” Colt’s shoulders fall slightly, pouting. “Why’s that?”

“I dunno,” the man—Colt finally looks at his name tag for a second—Simon grunts out with a shrug. “Apparently they mean friendship if you give them to someone.”

“Really? Flowers have meanings?”

“Fucking, I guess so.”

Colt sighs and looks back at the selection again. He chews hard on his lip, eating away at a bit of skin. Bad habit of his.

“Can I have five more minutes?”

“Fuck’s sake—” Simon grabs a bouquet of one of the few flowers Colt does know and pushes them carefully into his arms. “There! Sunflowers. Those are easy and cheap. Now pay for them and get out so I can close.”

Colt looks down at the flowers in his hands. The sunflowers weren’t the only thing in the bouquet. There were also little compacted orange flowers and flowy looking salmon pink flowers. They had little leaves sticking out all over the place too, all carefully wrapped in white tissue paper.

He smiles at them. They were perfect! He’s seen all these colors in Jody’s wardrobe. She looked especially good in a salmon color. It matched her complex really beautifully.

“Awesome!” He exclaims. He tucks them gently in one arm, as he busies himself fishing out his wallet and following the man to the register. He uses his one hand to thumb out his card, slipping it out with two fingers and handing it off to Simon. “Thanks for your help, by the way! ‘Preciate it.”

Simon reaches for the card, but pauses as he does a quick double take when he looks at Colt. His face shadows over and he grimaces. He quickly takes the card and puts it on the counter without first inserting it. He, instead, reaches for something under the counter. He pulls out a box of tissues and pushes it towards Colt before grabbing the card again.

“Your nose is bleeding.” He grumbles out as he finishes up the transaction.

Colt starts and his hand shoots up to his nose. He can’t believe he didn’t feel that. His nose was practically gushing!

He dives for the tissues, quickly plucking out tens of them with bloody fingers. “Shit—sorry, man. That happens sometimes. The smog outside and the stuff I do for work. My nose has been broken more times than I can count.”

“‘S fine,” Simon mumbles. He rips the receipt out from the printer and holds out both that and the card to Colt, waiting surprisingly patiently. “Just be careful. You’re getting it all over your girlfriend’s flowers.”

Colt cursed again. He shoved a wad of tissues up his nose quickly before plucking another tissue to take his card from Simon’s hands. Hand. Fuck.

“Thanks again. And sorry again. Fuck.” Colt rushes to the door. He shoved everything into his jacket pocket, bloody tissues and all. “Shit, shit, shit, I’m going to be late now. Uh, thanks, Simon!”

He doesn’t hear a response, nor does he wait for one. He practically sprints out the door, bells ringing as he slams it shut behind him.

Colt ended up 5 minutes late to his first date with Jody. His upper lip was still bloody, as well as his thankfully red t-shirt collar. But especially—

“There’s blood on these?” Jody says quizzically. She looks over the flowers in amusement, a light blush and smile on her face as she looks pointedly up at the blood on Colt.

“Shit!” He hisses and reaches out to pluck out a sunflower. He swallows his shame. “Sorry. I thought I got them all out.”

The laugh she gave him was worth the ache in his nose.

[loudmothbother]

look!! this is my amaze amaze amaze, GOD—

[loudmothbother]

let's play my favorite game. we try to write an aromantic character, simultaneously projecting onto them, because we believe ourselves to be aromantic as well. and then. then we have some troubles with it, because we don't understand our own feelings and experience enough, and so we feel like we can't relate to them at all. it's very fun, i promise. here, let me start—

[loudmothbother]

simon was raised in a cult, so it's fair to assume he received a limited education, only sufficient enough for him to fulfill his designated role — perhaps even a mission — and that this education was accompanied by emotional pressure due to the religious fanaticism

and it makes me wonder how did he feel when he had the opportunity to watch grace teaching his class. was he worried when he first found out that grace was a teacher? was he surprised when he found out that lessons could take place differently, that they didn't involve sermons and hissing warnings?

does he ever get reminded of the past, when one of the students is shouting, or distracted, and he almost expects grace to make remarks in a tone that is unusual for him, or to have a pointer in his hands?

how soon did he join the children, unobtrusively asking questions, learning about things that were hidden from him and his brothers, maybe just inaccessible to the survivors, until grace began to include him in the games he arranged himself? praising him, even?

just. thinking about it.

[loudmothbother]

in middle school, ryland decides to create a reputational "safety cushion" for himself, because he has been bullied by his peers from the past two years — even his brother's protection not being enough to stop them for poking him about his interests — and he doesn't want it to haunt him all the way to high school

and the one idea he comes up with is to do parkour. because it's cool, and he's seen colt do some of it before, always creating excitement on the playground, and if his brother can do it, then of course he can too

except he can't, not really. he may be athletic, but he lacks confidence when he has to flip, and he stumbles where he needs a firm grip. colt has to watch as he almost breaks his arm trying to jump over a fence before he thinks "to hell with it" and just. pretends to be ryland in front of his classmates, doing it himself

and it works, so the next step is to simulate ryland's injury — the one that would prevent him from practicing parkour in the future — so that no one can ambush him with a request to do it, preserving his reputation; and they do it, and they're successful

so ryland isn't surprised — at least not as much as their parents — when the very next year colt announces that he's going to be a stuntman

[loudmothbother]

hiiiii I liked your Coltland twins post. Do you perchance have an other hcs about Colt paying Ry’s bail because. Because my imagination is running wiiild

hi!! thank you so much for your ask, yes i do. i also can't imagine that grace would have gotten into too much trouble without a very specific set of circumstances, even with his short temper, but if it had happened, it would have been like this

the need for bail was caused by the fact that grace accidentally entered the territory of a state security facility, and was caught in two minutes

he got in there because he was stoned out of his mind, and was sure they were hiding aliens

he was incredibly disappointed when he realized that the alien turned out to be a stray cat

he hadn't planned to call his brother, but the guard persuaded him because even after he was taken into custody, he continued to grumble, and it was a lot to deal with this late in the night

he also cried a few times because it seemed to him that the cat was pregnant, and all alone

after colt bailed him, he had to take him to the nearest convenience store to buy something to ca him down, because grace had come to realize that this could affect his academic career

colt bought himself a burrito and grace bought himself five different flavors of gum

they spent the next hour on the cold sidewalk and were kicked out by the janitors at dawn

when colt tries to tell other people about it, no one believes him, and he has never regretted so much not filming something in his life

[loudmothbother]

once grace used his teacher's voice on colt — maybe he did it unwittingly, or maybe not — and colt looked at him, appalled at the audacity, because not only that's his younger sibling trying to parent him, that's the man who called him at four in the morning to ask for his bail to be paid, like, no you don't get to lecture me about my questionable decisions, you fuck ass

[c4t1l1n4]

Might I suggest that Ryland Grace excels at vicious mockery?

I think that maybe he was a bit more hotheaded during his time in academia, given the whole reason he was kicked out, and then just mellowed some as he got older/started being around kids. He defaults to deescalating situations because that works best for his students, but I think if you push the right buttons, he’s liable to rip you apart. And he’s observant and witty, so he’s not just gonna unleash a myriad of swears, but he’s gonna hit you were it hurts.

On that note, might I also suggest a Coltland twins AU twist to this, where Colt is the one everyone thinks is super protective because he’s ready to throw hands at any time of you insult his brother, but god forbid you say anything bad about Colt when Grace is around because he’ll verbally eviscerate you on the spot.

Bonus if he only really does it when Colt isn’t around, so Grace will purposely wait to catch the person who was being rude alone and then go back to Colt like nothing happened.

[praple-art]

rocky observes all....

[loudmothbother]

can you imagine the haunted look on stratt's face when ryland bursts into her office mere hours after the rocket launch, his hands shaking as much as his voice when he bumps into her desk, and for a dreadful moment, she believes it's him, his eyes the same shade of blue, and then he demands her to tell him where the hell is his brother, and the hurt in his voice is the same as when ryland was here last time, yet he's not?

[loudmothbother]

simon sitting by the sea while grace's working on something with rocky, and looking at the appearing stars, quietly wondering if they are real, or if they are the ghosts of stars that are slowly dying, too far away to notice the dimness of their radiance, wondering if this is in fact, a world that will never be immersed in the emptiness of the night sky, or not

[loudmothbother]

whenever picturing the dynamic between simon and rocky, i'm wondering about how the circumstances of them meeting each other affected it in a long run, and especially rocky

like, simon was in no way stable, and so his immediate reaction upon discovering he was no longer in the blood ocean — dragged from there directly aboard the mary — was to keep fighting the hallucinations surrounding him, even if those hallucinations were suspiciously present, encompassed by sounds he didn't know and smells that hurt his nose

so he attacked grace, the closes being to him, and grace was fine, is fine, but rocky remembers how his body collapsed under the other's force, and remembers the sound of grace's head hitting a hard surface, and it was too much like—

and the worst part is that it doesn't only happen once. it takes months for simon to stop flinching and grabbing grace when he comes up to him from the left, and to stop cursing at him when it seems like he's saying something he doesn't, and so on

and rocky hardly even understands why, so he's being cautious in a way that grace seems to not understand, and maybe this cautiousness is more about him being angry than anything else, still, the tension is feasible in the air, uncontrollable

and i imagine the thing they could bond over would be their fascination with human culture, because it's unfamiliar to both of them and requires not only grace's knowledge, but also his presence to guide them in the right direction. it's also one of a few things that requires them concentrating not on themselves, but on grace, who they both care deeply about

and while watching a movie or maybe even a documentary showing how trauma destroys not only the person themselves, but also their relationships with others — rocky for the first time not only understands how simon feels, but also, well, feels it, and he's very quiet when he whispers his apology, and is even quieter when simon whispers one back

[7-inches-of-satanic-panic]

k but imagine Rocky wanting to learn about how humans became the apex predators of their planet so he has Grace “hunt” him in the biodome as an experiment and during it he thinks Grace isn’t trying or taking it seriously which is bad bad bad because this is for research purposes

only for Rocky to get more and more tired as the experiment goes on just to realize that Grace isn’t which makes him panic so he puts as much distance as he can between them and finds a (hopefully) safe spot to sleep and when he wakes up the human is crouching over him like “got youuu” and Rocky has never shrieked so damn loud before in his life

[loudmothbother]

i just couldn't get over these tags, could i?