āMaāam, I really must insist that you pay for the room and board Iāve been giving you! Itās been a week!ā
āFine, fine,ā I grumble. āI have a few options for payment: I could give you paper money, cheap gaudy jewelry, chocolate coins, spiders, some pretty seashells-ā
āSpiders????ā he repeats, baffled.
āSpiders it is, then,ā I agree equitably, and with a wave of my hand the bed Iāve been sleeping in for the last week turns into a writhing mass of various spiders.
āStop right there! Youāre under arrest for fraud, destruction of property, and-!ā
I yawn. āDidnāt ask, donāt care.ā A few gestures, and the guardsā swords are all transmuted into spiders, and then theyāre too busy to worry about little olā me.
āYou have insulted my honor and humiliated me in front of my children! I demand satisfaction! I demand a wizardās duel!ā
Shrugging, I say, āSure, okay, whatever. Right here and now okay?ā
The pompous wizard-noble blinks. āI- you donāt want to prepare? Get your wizardās staff or anything?ā
āNah, Iām pretty good with somatic gestures.ā
āWell, if youāre sure⦠here and now then! Have at you!ā He slams his staff down on the ground dramatically, a small shockwave of fire radiating out from the impact.
So of course, I turn his staff into spiders.
āAHHHH WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCKā
āSo if youāre too busy screaming to cast spells, does that mean I win?ā
āAUGH ONE OF THEM BIT MEā
āIām taking that as a yes.ā
After that, they start coming at me in waves, with cheap wands and staves and swords and bows bought in bulk, hoping to exhaust my magical reserves so they can get close enough to put a magic inhibitor on me.
They did not expect my reserves to be as vast as they were, not did they expect me to be able to transmute the inhibitors themselves into spiders.
āDidnāt you take Magic Basics in wizard college?ā I yell at the panicking mages. āInhibitors arenāt immune to magic until the moment they activate! Serious weak point in the design, tell your magitechnicians to fix that!ā
So of course they try assassins next.
Poison fails, because I transmute any food and drink I get into spiders and then transmute them back. Pretty easy way to get rid of poison.
So then they try knives in dark alleys. The knives bruise through my full-body spider-silk outfit, but do not penetrate, and they only get one shot before they have bigger problems.
Next is killing me in my sleep. None live to report back that the human-shaped lump under the blankets is actually a mass of highly venomous spiders.
The kingdom throws everything it has at me, and I continue to walk away, heralded by the chittering of spiders and the screams of everyone else.
Finally, I stand before the king himself in his overly opulent throne room, and by now he is a broken shell of a man in the face of my unorthodox tactics.
āWhat do you want?ā he practically sobs. āYouāve singlehandedly redirected the entire crownās budget for the next three years into replacing every weapon youāve turned into spiders. Much more and weāll be invaded by our neighbors! We wouldnāt be able to resist being annexed! So what can I give you to make you stop doing this?!ā
I pause and pretend to consider, tapping a finger against my chin thoughtfully. āYou know, you sent my brother off to war a few years back. That conflict with the Yughs up north, I believe. He didnāt want to go, so your guards forced him at spearpoint. I havenāt seen him since.ā
He seizes on that, as I expected. āYes, yes, Iāll have him returned right away! Tell me his name and Iāll honorably release him from duty and have him escorted safely home!ā
āOh?ā I raise one sardonic eyebrow. āAre you able to bring back the dead now, oh wise and glorious king?ā
He pales, and itās the most satisfying thing Iāve seen in years.
āYou have nothing I want,ā I growl, letting the anger slip through for the first time in years. āYou cannot bring him back, you cannot make up for my loss with all the riches in your kingdom. The only thing I want is to take everything from you, the way you did to me. Your kingdom will bleed out of resources, one of the neighboring countries youāve been trying to conquer for decades now will take advantage and annex this place, and you will either be executed or forced to work for a living for the first time in your life.ā
I glare at him, and he refuses to meet my eyes. āYou will lose everything you ever cared about in your life. One spider at a time.ā
I transmute his throne and crown into spiders (non-deadly; he doesnāt get to escape my wrath that easily), then turn and walk away, ignoring his screams and sobs.
And thatās why, when the Yughs finally annexed the kingdom I grew up in, they preemptively made Transarachnomancy a forbidden magical art. Not sure how they intend to enforce that, mind, but Iām not looking to challenge that. Iāve gotten what I wanted; if some other aspiring mage wants to try and follow in my footsteps, thatās not my problem.
Besides, in terms of magical skill, Iāve always been an outlier anyway. Most mages would be lucky to turn just one knife into a spider at a time; I can turn ten thousand with a few gestures. I doubt anyone will outdo my legacy.
But hey, if you want to try and surpass Georgia of the Spiders? Feel free. Iāll welcome the competition.