strangers in the night | mafia!dazai x fem!reader
❛𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦❜
mafia!dazai x fem!reader. slight angst. lots of fluff. both dazai and reader are 17 here. underage drinking. mentions of depressive thoughts. it's actually pretty long. my first time publishing something like this oop. i have a one shot book fully dedicated to dazai on wattpad! check it out!
also read this with Frank Sinatra's "strangers in the night" for a better experience!
Dazai's existence was absolutely useless.
He never once considered his own life to have any significance or value for him being deemed worthy at any point of his life. How could he when all he experienced was suffering and trauma. He was weak. The weak fear happiness itself. They harm themselves on cotton wool. Sometimes they are wounded even by happiness.
That's why he was so afraid to feel any happiness. He knew he'd get some kind of disappointment sooner or later and that short and small spark of joy will turn out irrelevant and useless.
Dazai's throat burned due to the sake which was poorly held by his bandaged hand, his baggy, red eyes narrowed and just kept looking down to the glass, his depressive thoughts consuming him as per usual. If you actually took a look into his brown eyes, you'd see nothingness itself staring right back at you. Nihilism. Emptiness. Uncertainty. Hopelessness.
His body was usually cold as well and very malnourished at times as he only drank himself to sleep and never seemed to care about his outer appearance at all. It was all irrelevant. As long as he was present at the mafia to do his work, nothing else mattered.
The mafia was the only thing that gave him some type of purpose. If he could call that.
He seemed to be motivated a year ago when he first joined but now... he wasn't sure anymore. He felt stuck.
The young boy was at his lowest point in life. As if he hadn't been through enough already. That his life was capable to go downhill even more wasn't something he ever thought was possible.
Breathing no longer felt like a common thing for him. It was a chore at this point. Everything was. Getting up in the morning especially was very disappointing. Dying while he had finally managed to sleep sounded the most pleasant and painless way to die. But he kept meeting his ceiling every morning, being able to sense and feel his futon underneath him and wrapped around his thin body. He'd smell the alcohol from the bottles scattered around him. He'd have to hear the cars and busy people slide through his ears. And he'd taste the bitterness of not caring to brush his teeth properly every day.
It was the same thing every time.
He wanted everything to stop.
Why can't he just disappear?
Why does he have to exist?
Dazai abruptly awoke from his small dozing off with tired eyes and saw how the bartender of his favourite bar stared at him in pity, his hands cleaning the glass that was now removed from his rough hand. He exhaled through his nose and crossed his arms to lay his head on them for a second, a groan leaving him.
Inhaling very deeply he stood up and wrapped his dark coat over his shoulders and exchanged goodbyes with the other man, catching onto his body language that the bar was closing and that he should leave. The handsome boy ruffled his hair exhaustedly as he opened the door to exit the bar as the red neon light of the logo illuminated the left side of his face.
Someone bumped his shoulder as he turned to his left, not being bothered at all since he felt slightly numb all over and had his head elsewhere for him to register anything.
His head turned slightly to the right, all droopy and empty.
There was you, a young student who had to run errands and just was about to return home and you always did so by walking through this alleyway where the bar was. You stopped in your tracks and locked eyes with the stranger.
You couldn't help but notice how malnourished he looked, hair all unkempt, reeking badly of alcohol. Scrunching your nose at the stench, you took in the rest of his appearance. He was young, handsome but yet so... empty. The way he stared at you with his right eye covered by a bandage - in fact his neck and hands were covered by them too - his gaze on you was brief yet delivered so many things all at once.
Nothingness. Hopelessness. Exhaustion.
He had not said a word after you had apologised and just slowly turned around, his focus on the ground as he didn't want to be a burden to some random stranger like he always was. He was a burden. A heavy rock that just wouldn't leave his close ones' lives.
Dazai ceased his steps and just stood there, his long black coat that Mori gave him swaying a bit when he halted, never turning around still.
You sighed as you began to stride over to him before you were right next to him, slowly and gently making yourself present so you wouldn't overwhelm him. Dazai's eyes moved to your face again, this time having a much better view of your soft features, his eyes unconsciously analysing you as he did with everyone. His brain was always working, even when he wasn't sober.
"What are you doing here, drinking until you can't think?" you asked suddenly, a slight frown on your brows, sensing a new found urge to check up on this random stranger's well being.
You were always like that.
A bright person, who would always make sure that people were okay, that they were happy, taking them into your precious time to give them what they deserved. It's just who you were. You were practically molded to behave this way, you just couldn't help it.
When you saw the stranger's terrible state, you couldn't help but let your empathetic nature take over you.
Dazai, who was still drunk and felt his head getting pierced repeatedly from all the alcohol, not being able to think properly, parted his lips to say something, but didn't yet. His eyes lazily and exhaustedly watched your face, blinking and raising his brows to bring himself to do literally anything.
He was able to form a thought in his so fogged and messed up mind. He thought that you were only wasting your time on him and shouldn't care about him like this. He wished you'd go away.
"'Am tired... that's why," he finally uttered with a slight raspy tone. His voice was smooth and pleasant to hear, it made you calm down immediately for some reason, like honey would calm down a sore throat. His answer was short, his breath stinking of sake to which you dipped your head back a bit, still not trying to seem rude.
It took you a moment to understand at what he meant with 'tired'. It wasn't just him wanting to sleep. No. It was something way deeper than that. He was tired of lots of things, things that may have plagued his mind and he wanted an escape.
You didn't think about it any further as you didn't want to jump to any conclusions and it was none of your business. He's a stranger after all. With a small nod, you shifted on your feet a bit, your hands at your back, standing with a straight posture - a contrast to Dazai's, who was a bit slouched, legs a bit unstable from being so intoxicated.
"I see. You seem quite unstable... do you..." you spoke carefully, the words rolling off your tongue in a gentle manner as you trailed your eyes along his tall frame, "do you want me to help you?"
The brunette didn't say anything for a while. Again, he was reacting delayed, his dark eyes focusing and refocusing while he breathed out of his mouth in a laboured way. This shitty feeling was eating him up at the moment. Yes, he wanted your help. Yes, he needed company but-
"No. I'm fine..." he answered instead, being hesitant about his reply but settled for it. He didn't want to be a burden, that's what he kept telling himself the whole time. Dazai shut his eyes as he held in an unconscious breath before releasing it and licked his dry and chapped lips, tasting the sake again on them.
"I'm... fine," he repeated, though for more to himself than to you.
A big sigh left you at that and looked down once before you stared back at him, who had his attention to the ground now. "You're clearly not,"
Dazai heaved a bit of an agitated sigh at your words, turning his head to you once more, "Look, I appreciate your help but I already told you. I'm fine. I've handled this by myself many times," he gave a sigh of his own, beginning to move his limbs so he could walk.
But before he could, you immediately gripped his arm, halting him again and caused him to look at you with an irritated expression on his face, although there was another emotion that was hidden deep under that shell of his irritation. There was a pleading glow in his eyes, it was very very subtle which you weren't able to see. He wanted to leave. Dazai didn't want to stay here with your (e/c) eyes staring at him like that.
Please leave me alone. Please- just don't look at me like that.
He begged internally but he knew the instant you had that firm grasp on his arm, you had already made up your mind. The mafioso couldn't do anything about it, you had him under your grasp - metaphorically and literally.
At his reply, you breathed out through your nose and formed a small smile, your gaze never lifting off of his face, removing your hand from his arm and stood directly in front of him, face merely a few inches away from his own. The sake breath was now much stronger as it was hitting your face while you took in his features a bit more, finding him so pretty under the moonlight.
"How about this: I will take you to my place and I'll nourish you for a bit, take you to a lovely place where I always hang out when I feel down and take care of you. Physically and mentally. Does that sound good?" you offered, having leaned back to give him more space and intertwined your own fingers behind your back, anticipating his answer, regardless if he said yes or no.
You didn't know why you were so adamant to help this young boy out, but something inside you said that it was the right thing. That he needed this badly, this plan of yours.
Dazai just stared with a slightly surprised face. He was speechless for a moment. The brunette thought he misheard you. What? Nourish him? Take him somewhere lovely? This had to be a joke. What were you thinking? Did he seem that approachable to you at the moment? What did you even like about him, in this ugly state of his?
As he didn't reply yet again, you let out a huff and became a bit impatient. "If you let me do that, I swear I'll leave you alone afterwards. I promise. Just let me take care of you," you spoke, minimal desperation lingering in your tone. You yourself didn't understand your own actions.
The boy opposite you inhaled deeply, a bitter expression on him before he shut his eyes once more and opening them again, "Fine," he breathed out, eyes and the rest of his face softening.
He couldn't help it. Not when you stared at him like that with your (e/c) eyes. He let his inner desires get the best of him, to escape this agonising loneliness for a while.
It wasn't like he was unfamiliar with women wanting to spend time with him after a few drinks at the bar Lupin. He was a well known catch for the ladies and he loved them just as much. Dazai was a natural flirt, natural smooth talker that would get any woman or girl fall to her knees for him. He had that talent in him. And he used it for his own selfish needs or other things. For information or manipulation if needed.
But what he found in your eyes wasn't something lustful. It was actual care and concern swimming in them. You genuinely wanted to treat his terrible state, you actually cared about him.
No woman or girl had ever done this before. He didn't know how to feel about it. Should he be glad? Scared? He simply didn't know.
So after he agreed, you began to head to your place which wasn't far from the bar. As mentioned earlier, you'd always take this route through the alleyway as a shortcut and you would normally take it if you ran for errands.
"What's your name, by the way?" you turned your head as you two walked slowly, since the stranger was still somewhat unstable with his footing.
He turned to you, being ripped off of his thoughts and managed to smile a bit, which you thought was absolutely beautiful.
He simply answered, no need to say anything else.
You nodded at that and smiled a bit wider as you kept staring at him. "It's nice to meet you, Dazai. I'm (Y/n)," you said politely, his arm occasionally brushing against yours the further your legs moved.
The young man gave you another faint smile of his which you just had to catch a glimpse of and then silently followed you to your home. He didn't have to say anything further as you knew he wasn't exactly in the mood to speak that well. Dazai would sometimes drag his feet forwards, his body losing balance to which you would immediately catch him and keep him up straight.
"Thanks," he'd mutter, absolutely indifferent at this point and not embarrassed since he'd been in situations such as these before. Being touched by a girl, feeling comfortable in her embrace.
"Don't mention it," you'd softly say back with a small smile, the cool air of the night subtly hitting your skins, swaying your hair gently. There weren't many people around where you lived, so you two wouldn't be bothered or interrupted by anyone as you calmly kept walking.
About ten minutes later you'd arrive at the familar neighborhood you grew up in and went up the small stairs that led to your front door and unlocked the keys. Your apartment was relatively tall and average looking to Dazai, who would wander around his eyes in much interest and absentmindedness, his hands in his pockets. The names of your neighbours and the buttons for the bell were plastered on your left side in the booth-like entrance. He'd memorise every name by skimming over them with one pointed look of his, just out of boredom.
You entered the lobby and walked over to the elevator and pressed the button which glowed red around the edges in a circle as Dazai stood next to you, having begun to look better since he took some fresh air. His brown eye wasn't so tired and unfocused anymore but he still felt the strong effects of the alcohol in his system, his head hurting a bit.
Glancing to your left side a bit, you got a short view of his side profile which consisted of a sharp jawline, a perfect nose, soft yet chapped lips and that bandage wrapped around his head to hide his right eye. He was very handsome, you realised again. His hair looked sweaty yet you wanted to run your fingers through them. His mere presence looked so inviting, which was probably the reason why you offered him all of this the first place most likely. But you genuinely wanted him to feel better. He needed it.
Upon the elevator making a 'ding' noise and opening its doors, you both entered and you chose to break the silence. "Dazai, how old are you?"
His eyes found yours again as you two settled in the elevator and then looked ahead of him, shrugging his shoulders before he answered, "Seventeen. You?" the brunette moved his head so it was focused on your direction again while you had pressed the floor number for the elevator to take you upwards.
You looked back at him and smiled timidly, "Me too,"
His face seemed to look even better under the elevator lights, making you see his red cheeks from the alcohol, the shade of his brown eye shining a bit more which made your heart skip a beat. You immediately broke your eyes away from him and fixed your attention to your feet, the mirror beside you, the digital number that went higher the higher the elevator went - anything except his eyes.
What was wrong with you? He's a stranger. Sure you'll be spending time with him but you guys just met.
Still having a rather hazy mind, Dazai's gaze lingered on you, trailing it down your shorter figure and closed his parted lips before turning his head back to his front. A small micro-expression of smugness was evident on his face in a lazy way when his tiredness took over again and his face fell back to indifference.
When you reached your floor level, you exited the elevator and went to your door, unlocking it and lead him inside as you two removed your shoes.
Immediately, Dazai would dart his eyes around your place, having noticed other used shoes - female and male - which indicated that you didn't live alone and with your parents in full picture. He seemed glad for you. Someone as sweet as you deserved that. A roof above your head, decent clothes and a family that cared about you and loved you. Then he'd take notice of your place in general. The wallpaper, the aesthetic of it all, pictures, decorations, clothes or items lying around or hung at places. Your house's scent was pleasant. It smelled like fresh coffee beans, even being able to sniff out some laundry that had been recently done. Dazai immediately felt cozy by just standing at your apartment door in those ten seconds alone.
"Welcome to my home. Make yourself comfortable," you said with a polite grin and began to head inside more, guiding him to the living room. Your eyes threw him a short glance as you ran your hand through your (h/c) locks.
"You can remove your coat, you know?" you said, having seen his black coat hanging on his shoulders the whole time, him still being in a somewhat daze.
Upon hearing your words, he blinked, words a bit stuck in his throat as he felt a bit caught off guard. He gave you a nod, slowly grabbing his coat and slid it off of him.
You suppressed a giggle at his expression, finding it a bit amusing. As he had removed his coat, you came closer to him and gently took it from his hands, moving your head up a bit because of your height difference, heart fluttering a bit at that fact as you plastered a small smile. "Let me take that. You go sit on the couch and relax,"
Dazai returned your smile and shook his head in agreement, "Alright. Thank you," he said before he went to the couch and sat down, a quiet groan leaving him at how exhausted he was and only realised how sore his muscles actually were. From stress, his mental condition and his job at the Port Mafia. He leaned against the soft couch and threw his head back, letting out a relaxed sigh with closed eyes.
You had hung his coat next to all other jackets your family owned and then returned to your room, taking a fresh towel with you from your closet and then entered the living room again. When you saw Dazai sitting on the couch that way, a small blush crept up on your cheeks as you found it very attractive. He looked super good in that white button up shirt and that black vest with a matching tie, appearing professional and sophisticated. You cleared your throat at the thought with a frown and then went to stand next to the couch.
"What's up?" Dazai suddenly spoke, his eyes never opening.
Biting your lip at his intruiging yet attractive behavior, you found the words in your mouth and began to speak. "Would you like some water? You know, to sober up a bit,"
The brunette opened his eyes again before fixing them to you, a small smile displaying his lips and straightened his head again, his arms laid on the top of the back pillows. He had a certain glint to his visible eye which you couldn't place your finger on, but it seemed to be amusement. "I'd like that,"
At his answer you nodded and went to the kitchen to get him a cold glass of water and then placed it on the coffee table in front of the couch. Dazai sat up and leaned forward to grab it before drinking down the water, letting its cold sensation slide down his throat and finally ease that throbbing pain in his head. Your mouth formed an 'o' at the sight and then quickly walked off away to bring something.
Dazai watched you leave with a quizzical look when he saw you come back with a water jug and something else in your other hand. You placed the jug next to his now empty glass and stretched your hand out to him.
"Here," you said softly and opened your palm to reveal a set of painkillers to which his eyes perked up and his lip corners turning upwards slightly.
"Thank you again," he said genuinely and took the set and popped out one pill and brought it to his mouth before filling his glass with water again and swallowed the pill down.
You then shuffled to sit on the couch opposite the one he was on and began to relax yourself as you observed his movements with a faint smile.
Dazai had drunk a few more glasses of water and felt much better and more sober and leaned back again, his eyes locking with yours. "I know I said this a few times, and I can't thank you enough, but thank you for doing this," he said, his mood improving as you had been distracting him well from his previous depressing thoughts.
A giggle escaped from you at that and beamed at him, feeling warmth spread in your chest. "It's really no big deal,"
The mafioso's smile widened even more and laid his hands on his lap as he took in your face once more, absolutely pleased at the sound you made. It was very adorable to him.
After a few seconds you let out an "oh" and turned your body so you could grab the towel you had taken with you from your room and showed it to him. "Right. Since you have quite sweaty hair, I thought you might wanna wash it? You don't have to if you don't want to, but I do recommend you to do it," your tone was gentle and calming as the smile was still sitting comfortably on your lips.
Dazai couldn't help but chuckle at your considering nature, feeling so unfamiliar to such acts towards him and just smiled. As he always tried to. Convincing others of emotions he was supposed to show, yet struggled to even understand them. He'd always worn a mask in front of everybody - except Odasaku. He was different. If Dazai wasn't sure how to act, he'd hoped if he gave a simple smile that the person would accept it and move on.
"I guess I should take up the advice of a pretty girl such as yourself," he said in a smug tone, his flirtatious side returning as usual and stood up from the couch.
A warm sensation made its way to your cheeks at his words, your heart beginning to beat faster as he came closer to you and took the towel from your hands carefully, still smiling down at you. You were stunned and couldn't form any sentence and just stared up to him.
The boy merely grinned at your reaction in delight, knowing you'd do so since he could predict the actions of girls after he chose the right words every time. He then began to move his legs and turned to you again, his hands in his pockets. "Oh right, where's your bathroom?"
Gathering your composure, you cleared your throat and uttered your reply, "Just go straight ahead, the door right next to the kitchen,"
Dazai nodded and disappeared from your vision as you could hear the bathroom door lock. You let out the breath you were holding and rested back against the couch, your heart still beating profusely.
"Why is he like that?" you pouted annoyed with a frown before turning on the TV and chose to watch any show available for the moment.
The sounds of the shower could be heard and you figured that he now began to wash his hair as you suggested. That brought a smile to you face, that he decided to listen to you. Dazai had every right not to, you were still strangers after all but he still did as you asked him to and went to properly take care of him self for once.
You wondered just how much he actually cared about himself - if he actually ever did. The thought made you sad, that someone like him, who seemed charming was actually in a dark place and suffered all by himself. Then your thoughts wandered over if he had someone who cared about him like you did. If he had someone to talk to, to vent out to, share his inner most feelings. The imagination at that not bring an option for him released such an unpleasant and upsetting feeling in you.
Minutes later, the bathroom door opened and Dazai stepped out, the scent of your shampoo spreading throughout the apartment, hitting your nose which soothed you greatly. He then walked in the living room with his hair all wet and messy, looking way more refreshed than before. He might've become even more handsome.
You managed a smile and looked him up and down, content with everything at the moment.
The young handsome man stared back at you with the same smile and would dry up his brown locks with the towel you gave him, stepping closer to you. "You were right with this. I feel much better," he beamed, his brown eyes having more light in them now.
Joy spread inside you at his words and giggled softly, "I told you so," you sighed and tapped your fingers on the armrest of the couch. "I'm glad you're doing better,"
He didn't answer as he kept his gaze on you, the eye contact between the both of you longer than needed, making your face grow a bit red before you spoke up again to get rid of the awkwardness within you. "So... you wanna dry your hair, I assume?" you teased a bit.
Dazai chuckled at that, "Yeah, that'd be very much appreciated (Y/n)," he threw you an amused look.
As you had taken a closer look at him, you had noticed something. "Wait- Did you take one of our bandages for your eye?" you observed, narrowing your eyes.
He looked away from you for a second, bringing a hand behind his wet hair and shrugged with raised brows, "Maybe?" he admitted by meeting his gaze back with yours and grinning cheekily.
You shook your head at that with a soft chuckle and stood up, "Seems like you got the skills to spot and find things quickly, even in unfamiliar places, huh?" you mused, very impressed by him, even though rummaging through some stranger's stuff was a bit questionable but considering his rather reasonable nature, you knew he didn't have bad intentions or was rude.
The male shrugged once more as he looked down at you with a small smirk, holding the wet towel in his hand as his brown hair stopped dripping of droplets of water. "I suppose so,"
You then led him back to your bathroom and brought your blow dryer from your room and handed it to him. He thanked you again and you stayed at his side this time while he did his job, having crossed your arms as you watched him stand in front of the mirror.
The heat of the blow dryer would reach you from time to time, actually feeling quite nice, the hair on your body standing up at the warm feeling, the sound echoing throughout the bathroom. When Dazai was finished he unplugged the object and wrapped the wire around it before giving it back to you. You smiled in response and continued to pin your eyes to him, who adjusted his hair a bit more, staring into his reflection. His eye met yours again through the mirror and you both found yourselves smiling upon that unconsciously, a certain atmosphere hanging between you.
"Alright then," you started, taking a basket and filled it with fresh fruits your mom had bought recently with some chips, sweets of all kinds, biscuits and soft drinks as well.
Dazai quirked an eyebrow at your actions as he kept eyeing your movements, growing more and more perplexed by each second. "What are you doing?"
You turned to him next to you and began to smile widely. It was the way your face brighened up as you glanced at him, radiating that warmth he grew to like the moment you had declared to take care of him just minutes before. The sentiment of it so right, so delicate, he could drown and bask in that warmth of yours any time. And your eyes shone in a way that would send a small shiver down Dazai's spine and that smile... Oh that smile of yours.
"You'll see," you gave him a teasing giggle as excitement continued to fill you. Stuffing some more things into the basket, you asked him, "Could you give me that red and white checkerd cloth, please?"
He did as you told him, walking over to the corner of your kitchen and then gave it to you which you put in the basket as well before shutting it closed, its weight making your arm go weak. Dazai took notice and formed a small smile holding the object from underneath so it wouldn't be too heavy for you.
"Here, let me take it," he offered and slid the handle off your arm and gripped it with his right hand, the bandages wrapped around it really accenting all the curves and bones. You accidentally stared at it a bit longer than you intended and then immediately looked away, to his eyes, a faint tint of pink on your cheeks.
You then led him out of your home after you two wore your coats, as it was almost 2 am in the morning, the weather much colder than before with the moon shining brighter onto you both, illuminating every inch of your path beautifully. The only sounds that could be heard were your footsteps since you were the only ones outside, complete silence except for some grasshoppers engulfing you.
Both of you loved the night.
It was the best time of the day, providing you a period of time fully to yourselves, your thoughts, your wishes. Was it the way the darkness of the night that hung above you every day resembled the one that lived inside you? Was that why you loved it? Did you find an odd sense of comfort knowing you were surrounded by that very darkness?
"So tell me... where are we headed?" Dazai questioned as his footsteps synced with yours.
His voice reached your ears after a long pause of silence, the tone gentle and full of curiosity. You could sense how much better he was doing. This made you so happy.
"Just trust me on this. I want to surprise you," you grinned at him to which he chuckled beautifully.
You took the handsome stranger to the place you'd escape to when you felt mentally drained, spending your time there as long as you wanted, being comforted by the stars themselves than your own people. It was at a meadow further away from your place but not very far that you'd grow tired. The exact spot was something like a cliff of some sorts but the area was filled with all kinds of flowers and nature. If you were to look up at the night sky, the moon would smile back at you, sitting close to you at that very spot.
Arriving at your comfort place, you faced Dazai, still wearing a big smile as he looked down at you with a soft expression, anticipation flowing in his dark eyes. "Close your eyes,"
Again, he did as you asked him to, unintentionally smiling, awaiting this surprise of yours. The beat of his heart grew stronger as he sharpened his ears to listen to anything you did, becoming impatient by each second due to excitement.
You immediately took the basket from him and took out the red and white checkered cloth and spread it on the grass ground and then put the basket on top of it. Taking the food out one by one, you made sure to make everything presentable for Dazai. You wanted this to be a memorable night for him after all. The ripping of flower stems could be heard faintly as you placed various types of flowers across the cloth and properly seated yourself among the things you set up.
Then you looked back to the young boy in front of you who was waiting patiently and had his eyes closed the entire time, looking so cute.
Upon that Dazai unsealed his eyes and met with the sight of you having prepared a night time picnic for him to which his mouth hung open in utter shock, his eyes growing a bit wide. You kept surprising him every moment and he wasn't complaining. Something in your eyes was so inviting. Something your smile was so exciting. Something in his heart told him that he must join you, to not hesitate even one bit, to spend this precious night with you. He felt something so unfamiliar within himself. He just couldn't explain it. What was this feeling? The boy hadn't felt it in a while he gathered.
It was the feeling of pure joy.
Without wanting to waste any time, he sat down opposite you, his sparkling eyes marvelling at the food he saw you pack in the basket with confused ones moments before. He never expected this night to go to any of this direction when he was rotting in that bar before. Never would he have thought to have someone as enticing as you by his side when he had those agonising and life draining thoughts. Never.
"You did this... all for me?" he locked eyes with yours after taking in everything around him on the ground, absolute admiration living in those brown hues.
A blush tainted the soft skin on your face, nodding your head as you took a strawberry in your hand and smiled gently towards him, "Yeah. To make you feel better. I told you, didn't I?" your voice was so sweet, so pretty, Dazai loved the tone so much. That sincerity which would always cling onto every each word leaving your soft lips.
He'd smile greatly at you, his heart fluttered at your actions. He absolutely didn't deserve any of this. He didn't deserve you.
You brought the strawberry near his mouth and kept holding onto that softness on your face. "Eat it," you urged meekly.
His lips stayed in the same position as he leaned in and took a bite of the juicy fruit, it's sweetness spreading on his taste buds, earning a hum from him. Dazai took more bites until it reached the white part, which you then put away in an extra plastic bag for the trash and extra. The lovely flavour still lingered in the brunette's mouth, the saccharine sensation having given him a push of serotonin.
Just like her own sweetness.
"That was splendid, dearest," he commented, his eyes never leaving yours.
You let out a soft giggle, tilting your head, also not breaking eye contact. "I'm glad, Dazai,"
After that you both tried everything you had taken with you for the night picnic. You made him eat the chips, the sweets and the biscuits and each time he'd give you such an adorable reaction. He was so precious. It warmed your heart so much to the point you swore it was beginning to become dependent on his presence. Seeing him so joyful at the littlest things actually made you sad in a way. Spending time like this was the bare minimum.
Did he really never get any of that?
This caused you to nourish him even more. To help him, take care of him even more.
"What brand is this?" Dazai asked as his cheeks were stuffed with the biscuits you brought with you.
You laughed at his adorable little antics and pinched that very cheek of his. "It's (brand name). You like it?" your entire being relaxed by just looking at him.
He nodded in response, gazing back at you, "Very much,"
You hummed, a smile tugging at your lips, "You can take the whole package then if you'd like,"
"Really?" his eyes shone bright, a childlike wonder on his face.
Heart racing deeply within your chest you giggled once more, "Yes. Take it,"
Dazai couldn't describe the feeling he had when he was with you in this very moment. It was like he could be a child again, make up for all the times and experiences that were stolen from him. He wished nothing more than to just spend the rest of his time here with you, at this wonderful environment, away from blood, violence, the stench of dead bodies and that physician's cold and piercing glare.
When you two had craned your necks to look up at the sky, the time being 2.30 am, you just enjoyed each other's company while admiring the stars, which stood out in the darkness more than usual.
"That one looks like a bunny, don't you think?" you pointed towards the stars above you as you two were sitting next to each other a bit more, having decided to filter out some star constellations.
Dazai raised a brow at that with a chuckle, "A bunny? You think so? Looks like noose to me," he corrected with a casual shrug.
Your mouth hung open at that with wide eyes and a frown, "What the hell? A noose? Are you serious?" you asked in disbelief and genuine confusion.
He nodded in honesty, seeing no problem with his claim, "Yeah? Is that bad?" he had an innocent spark in his eyes which really made you question things.
Moving your head upwards again, you asked him yet again, "And that one? What do you see?" you wanted to be sure if he was joking or actually serious.
The mafioso glanced to the spot among the beautiful stars and moved his mouth, "A gun or knife of some sort... I don't know," he said with another shrug, turning back to you.
A huge sigh left you at that and made your whole body face towards him a bit more, face growing a bit concerned now. "Dazai... are you... are you okay?"
When you questioned him that, he made note of your tone, how soft and wary it was. The question made him look down to his lap, taking a breath before answering you.
So your suspicions were right about his mental state. You decided to ask further.
"I'm sorry to hear that... Do you want to... maybe talk about it?" your eyes scanned his now more serious face.
He was breathing calmly and then latched his eyes back to your own face. "I suppose we could... but only a few things..."
"Of course, that's totally fine," you formed a comforting smile.
Dazai instantly mirrored your expression before he told you about some of his struggles. His heavy and deep depression. His suicide attempts which made you sick to your stomach but served as an explanation for the bandages around his whole body. Your heart would sink every time he'd describe his emotions... if he could even call them that.
"What about your eye? Was that self inflicted or...?" you tried to act as carefully and respectfully as possible, not wanting him to feel at unease at all.
The brunette merely smiled at your question, grateful to your politeness, "No it isn't. My boss... who happens to be a physician, treated my eye long ago. It's still healing though," he explained, running a hand through his brown locks.
Nodding at his reply, you looked down to your lap. "I see..."
You heard his voice as you had been in a small daze for a second.
"Hmm?" your focus returned to the boy beside you.
"Did you go through something too? If so, you don't have to share," he wore a warm expression, pools of tenderness in his eyes.
"Do you think life has meaning?" he added once more.
You had to think about that for a moment, gathering your thoughts and emotions, the question being a very deep one of course.
"I suppose to me it does have some meaning. But even if I described it to you, it would be kind of useless don't you think?"
He had to nod at that, pointing his lip corners downwards while he pondered for a second. "You're not wrong, however I'd still like to hear your version of the reason to live," he smiled softly.
That made you smile as well before you stared towards the sky once again, "If you say so... I think that the true meaning of life can't be found so easily. You have to search for it. It isn't presented to you on a silver platter or anything. Life is deceitful, destructive and down right unfair. But despite all of that, it has it's beautiful moments... for someone like you that might seem impossible but trust me... you should cherish even the smallest spark of positive emotion. Just keep it to yourself like how you'd want your wife to treasure the ring you gifted her. I've been through a lot too, not nearly to an extent like you did but I understand how you feel, Dazai. You're stuck in a place I'd never want to return to. I'm glad I escaped that void. And I hope you do that too,"
He listened to every word you spoke, being attentive and tried to understand everything. Dazai liked the way you talked. It was soothing and tranquil. He nodded at your reasoning, finding it somewhat logical.
"I see what you mean. Seems plausible to me," he responded with authenticity. A long and tired breath escaped his mouth as he stared upwards again. "I really do hope to leave this hell hole called mind. I feel so trapped every damn day. I'm just waiting to see the day where I can look at the world through your eyes,"
You smiled with deep emotions within you at his words, feeling the same hope accompanying you, wanting nothing more than his happiness. You didn't say anything after that, thinking your facial expressions were enough to assure him you agreed with him. Darting your eyes around you, you studied the beautiful area again that you had memorised by having come here so many times. No matter how many times you'd return to this place, it would always give you solace like nothing else in the world. Every blade of grass, every tree, every single flower, every brush of wind and every company of the moon was enough.
Your nights here were drenched in long talks with yourself about things that should've been but couldn't be.
"Yes, sweetheart?" he answered almost immediately, as if it was a reflex to him to call you sweet names.
You looked back to him with a wide grin, redness coating your cheeks.
At that you had taken out a CD player and put a Frank Sinatra album into it and skipped to a certain song and pressed play. The sounds of a lovely melody reached your ears, flutes, violins, the bells and drums echoing around the beautiful area, the scent of the flowers making the experience much better.
'Strangers in the night exchanging glances. Wondering in the night. What were the chances we'd be sharing love before the night was through'
Dazai made a satisfied sound at the song playing and smiled broadly. "Excellent song choice, belladonna," he moved his head to you as you two were standing now, next to the picnic set up.
"I know," you said cheekily with a giggle when you held your hand out to him. "Will you allow me to dance with you, good sir?" you joked playfully.
He chuckled, completely enthralled by your idea, giving you a short nod and placed his hand on yours, gently holding it, his slightly rough skin colliding with yours. You two came closer, having had this proximity again like before, when you had asked him to come with you. There was this tension, this feeling that was constantly clinging onto you which just never let you tear your eyes from each other. It was like time had came to a halt whenever your eyes met.
Dazai's other hand found your waist as yours did with his shoulder without any question, as if you two had done this multiple times before. You'd smile like idiots when you two got ready in a comfortable stance to dance along. And that's what you did.
You let him take the lead as the calming and nostalgic song played in the background, laughing amongst yourselves. Whenever he'd take a step, you'd follow immediately, his hold on you so careful and graceful, you felt as if you were a princess in his arms. The sound of his breathy laughter was like music to your ears. He was just too breathtaking to you.
His hand that was gripping yours moved above your head and made you spin for him, you giggling at the action before he caught you again, pressing your back against his chest. The whole time your smiles wouldn't disappear. How could they when you were having such a lovely time together. Your stomach flipped at the feeling of his body pressed to yours, never ceasing to blush at Dazai's every little movements.
Right after you turned around and took his hand again to make him spin as well, earning a pretty laugh from him yet again, his brown eye glistening under the moonlight like never before this whole time you two had been together. Your hand was practically glued to his as you didn't want to let go, since his skin was so comforting, like a pillow. Everything about him was, to he honest.
"Turned out so right, for strangers in the night."
You both sang in unison, absolute glee dancing along with you, the words somehow having latched themselves onto your brains, making you think further, to other places. The young boy's face was close to yours, close enough to feel his breath on your skin, having a great close up view of his beautiful features that you found yourself adoring each time. Impossible was it to rip your gaze away from those deep, profound and complex chocolate eyes.
The air around you changed yet again, your hands on his shoulders, his on your waist, the gap between your bodies almost non-existent, just breathing calmly. You could swear his eyes flickered down to your lips, yours doing the same automatically. But you both never went any further. The two of you had flushed faces and had your throats stuffed with unspoken words.
You inhaled deeply with a deep blush, eyes darting to your side, to the picnic before you got too lost and too comfortable in his hold, "We should..." you trailed off.
Dazai's hands relaxed on your waist, a short exhale coming from him, sliding his touch down to your hips cautiously and smiled in understanding, "Yes we should,"
As it had become 3 am already and the weather was getting colder, you both chose to pack the leftover food back into the basket, Dazai carrying it again for you while you slowly made your way back to your apartment. He had given you his coat since he could tell how you were trembling a bit, you holding it close to your body, smelling his cologne and a bit of alcohol and sweat too, but it wasn't that unpleasant. Just having spent this time together you could feel how much closer you had gotten. You were so much more comfortable in each other's presence.
The thought of each other's lips wouldn't leave your minds or your scents, and how intoxicating they were to the other. It felt like both of your presences were now actively and permanently living inside your heads, sending waves of happiness to each other.
Once you arrived back at your doorstep, you spun around to face him again, wanting to see that soft expression of his again. A bitter feeling washed over you at the thought of never seeing him again after this. Not being able to hear his laughter anymore or to just listen to him talk.
Dazai travelled his eyes down to the basket and held it higher, "Should I come with you again? To help you carry the basket upstairs?" he asked with care.
He was such a gentleman, you appreciated it so much. You shook your head slowly and stepped closer to him. "No, it's fine. I can do it myself," you reached out and took the basket from him, it being much lighter due to you two having eaten so much of the food. He was still gripping the biscuits package you let him take for himself though.
Your eyes found his again and you just kept staring in silence, his brown ones examining you once more, wanting to burn your memory into his vision and mind as much as possible. You did the same, your attention glued to his gorgeous face.
"Um... my..." Dazai pointed towards you, a small chuckle leaving him.
"Oh. Sorry, I forgot," you smiled in embarrassment and slid off his long black coat and handed it back to him, which he accepted eagerly with a giggle and draped it back onto his shoulders just like when you first met him.
The young male released a breath and scratched his hair, his eyes looking a bit gloomy. "So this is goodbye huh?"
Your whole face frowned at that, not actually ready to take the final step as your heart strings were tugging you towards him, telling you to not leave him. Pouting at his words, you nodded, your own emotions of dissatisfaction evident on the outside.
Silence had filled in again for a moment longer after that. The tension grew even more heavy, almost as sharp as a knife.
"Thank you for everything you've done for me. I really enjoyed every second together with you, (Y/n)," Dazai spoke wholeheartedly, even a bit of affection lurking in his smooth voice, his eyes and cheeks no longer red from the alcohol he had consumed. No longer tired, in pain or irritated.
A wide and beautiful smile tugged on your lips, delight and happiness welled up inside you, causing your cheeks to turn crimson. "I'm glad that I was able to make you forget things. Even if it was just for this short time at night,"
He managed a grin, growing so soft for you like for no other girl he had ever before. Man, he was really going to miss you.
"Alright then... goodbye, (Y/n). Belladonna," he said that pet name with such fondness and vulnerability it really made you melt on the inside.
"Goodbye, Dazai. Until we meet again," you spoke with a clouded mind, unlocking the door to lead to your lobby, your eyes always fixed to his.
You'd both stare for a while longer, Dazai walking backwards to keep up with your staring contest, heart pounding in his chest at this bittersweet moment.
"What about your parents though? Where are they?"
He wanted to prolong this a tiny bit more. Wanting to hear your voice.
Your head perked up at his concern, chuckling softly, "They'll return soon enough. Both have their night shifts today," you elaborated rushed in an assuring way, almost fully inside the lobby.
The brunette nodded firmly, smiling brightly only for you once more before he began to turn his body. Your (e/c) eyes watched him do that, biting your lip at the emotions you were experiencing this very moment. It kept eating you up.
Dazai's back was turned to your apartment as he slowly moved his feet to head to his own place but could hear fast footsteps approaching him and he twisted his body back. Having done so, he could see you running towards him, with your pretty (h/c) hair flowing with your movements, that look of determination and yearning in your eyes, those eyes that he would always remember now.
That's when he felt you wrap your arms around him tightly for an embrace and he stood still, absolutely frozen on the spot. He could feel your face nuzzled against his chest, that warmth he was so drawn to having made itself present again. Snapping out of his shock, he slowly brought his own arms to your back and pressed you against him, a huge smile making its way on his handsome features, burying it into your shoulder as he inhaled your addicting scent.
The hug lasted only for a few seconds when you pulled away to look into his eyes and examined his beauty once more before leaning in and planting a soft kiss to his cheek. When Dazai felt your tender lips on his skin, he was frozen yet again, your warmth having disappeared in a flash as you had gone inside the lobby already, the door closing behind you, any evidence of your existence having completely vanished.
The young executive was still trapped in a trance, replaying the scene in his head multiple times with a racing heart before he eventually left the area. What drove him insane was that your scent was still lingering on him, not just the shampoo he had used on his hair before but that sweet perfume of yours.
In fact your beautiful face was still swimming in front of his eyes. The heat that you radiated when you walked side by side. The food you ate together with the taste still present on his tongue. The Frank Sinatra song unconsciously playing in the back of his head and the sight of you dancing with him among a flower filled meadow, the moon gleaming onto you both.
He'd glance down to the biscuits in his hand every now and then, hearing your lovely voice saying he could take the package with him. So kind. So generous.
He wanted to feel every emotion you had brought out of him this whole time. From the moment he met you until the sweet kiss you gave him. He wanted you by his side again but his job wouldn't allow that and he certainly wouldn't want someone as precious as you to be involved with the mafia in any way. You didn't deserve him nor did he ever deserve you.
Never did Dazai ever think he'd genuinely get attached to a stranger, a girl so quickly like he did with you. And it scared him. He was so torn. Part of him wanted your angelic aura next to him, the other wanting you far away so he wouldn't get either of you hurt. He couldn't risk it.
He cared about you. He was actually concerned about your well-being. Just what kind of spell did you use on him that it was a bit agonising to leave you behind? If he had a chance to re-experience the night, he'd do it in a heartbeat. As many times possible.
Dazai Osamu ached for the way you treated him. He wasn't used to it - it was super foreign to him but he wanted to dive into that sensation again. Just once. Just a little drop of it even. Just one look into your eyes would've been enough.
All he could think about was you on his way back, your very being burned in his memory now. Forever.
He was never, ever going to forget you.
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