magokoro

光が死んだ夏 from now on, even if you kill someone again, i’ll carry on that sin with you.

[magokoroooo]

reread after god and reached that chapter where tokinaga and orokapi fought again. something something how orokapi is neither human or inhuman, something far beyond, something too complicated to only be called in one word. something that is only comparable to a god: confusing and tangled and different. something that is unexpected and free and unable to experience human emotions nor understand them, as well as not being able to perceive and feel and be human. how orokapi parallels tokinaga, who is too painfully human. who despite his cold exterior and his feeble attempts at masking his emotions is still so human, even if he tries not to be. how tokinaga cracks and cries and screams and sobs and feels angry and happy and everything that isn’t possible for orokapi. orokapi does not understand tokinaga, nor does tokinaga understand orokapi. orokapi is anything but human, he is cruel and shows no mercy and devoid of empathy and emotion. he runs away from his problems and does what he likes without a sense of responsibility. in a way, orokapi is almost a child. so naive in his beliefs yet so dangerous at the same time. and tokinaga is anything but a god. he is emotional and angry and violent and gentle. he grieves and mourns for people’s deaths: he understands the consequences of his actions. he is lacking of the freedom to just go and do what he wants, chained down by responsibility and guilt. orokapi is everything that tokinaga isn’t. tokinaga, everything that orokapi cannot be. perhaps it was why they were drawn to one another, something resembling affecting borne out of lingering hatred and jealousy. tokinaga is jealous, jealous of orokapi and his apathy, jealous of orokapi and his freedom, jealous of orokapi and his power and carelessness and his childlike tendencies. tokinaga is jealous, that orokapi can be unfeeling. that orokapi is inhuman. because maybe if tokinaga was inhuman, if tokinaga could not feel, he could’ve done anything. he wouldn’t have been stuck grieving and feeling guilty over deaths, wouldn’t have been left feeling obligated to missions and responsibilities. tokinaga hates orokapi for that. because he is everythjng tokinaga wants—needs to be. and orokapi may not see it, but he is jealous of tokinaga as well. jealous of how human he is, how he has the capability of feeling so deeply inside his heart, how despite the gods’ intelligence they cannot grasp the essence of a human’s soul. orokapi is jealous of him for that, and adores him as well. but when tokinaga breaks, and tokinaga crumbles down to the floor in a mess, orokapi is painfully human. he gentle drapes the thick blanket over tokinaga, a late apology for what just happened. the gods aren’t human, they never will be and they will never understand. the institute tells tokinaga all about that. gods are not to be trusted, they view humans as lesser beings and they are cruel and unforgiving. but what can tokinaga tell them? when a god had so gently put down and tucked him into a blanket, disregarding their own needs? a selfish being, a god, taking away his own for tokinaga? how does tokinaga tell them the way orokapi smiled, he peered down at the sight of a sleeping tokinaga warmly enveloped in the woolen fabric? what evidence is there that the gods are not human? for if orokapi had been so gentle, is it not because he was human? is it not because tokinaga had made him human? something something

[magokoroooo]

in honor of the hgsn anime coming out i would like to remind everyone that the original hikaru may have reciprocated yoshiki’s feelings. how he was often in a daze, probably suppressing his own emotions and feelings until yoshiki noticed and then attempted to cover it up and change the topic. how even yoshiki’s perception of him isn’t who he is—that mature, manga protagonist hikaru—isn’t the true hikaru. that hikaru was cowardly and immature and cried. that he felt the same way about yoshiki but always ended up making jokes and being silly to hide it. that we still don’t know how his family was like, except for his dead father, and how he might have processed it. the original, real hikaru might have suffered and struggled. and that in the end, his last thoughts were still of yoshiki.

[magokoroooo]

thought this was a comedy manga but i cannot avoid the doomed yaoi it seems. would you hold on to a piece of glass knowing it would wound you? hold on to a person’s sleeve despite the uncountable amounts of blood they’ve been stained with? continue hoping and clinging to a sinner knowing you could be tainted? knowing you could be ruined? would you still call out their first name amidst the bodies, a gentle intimacy, one you were so rarely permitted? have the proof of your care and love ring out in a single “yuuta.” as the people he’s injured wither away on the floor? why else would you do that, watch him walk away like you’re mourning his absence, reaching a hand for someone almost unattainable? someone who despite his detachment is someone special to you? he’s killed in cold blood in front of you, yet you cannot look away, yet you continue holding on to him. to you, he is not the cold silver glint of a sword ready to pierce. he is all soft smiles and glasses pushed too far down his nose, and laughing words and the quick passes of a basketball as you both practice in a park. to you, he is the rhythmic breathing he does when he’s asleep in your shared dormitory, the groans he makes when he gets a low score on a test, the snickers when other people trip on their shoes. to you, he is yuuta. not a cruel god, a brutal killer, or an ill-mannered student. to you, he is yuuta. to you, he is love.

[magokoroooo]

what if “hikaru” actually isn’t real? it’s more of like a concept, a metaphor for hikaru’s unsaid feelings and emotions. basically what it feels and what it remembers and everything it is is not its but hikaru’s. though it does not act like hikaru, does not speak like hikaru, does not behave like hikaru, it is still hikaru. it does not act like hikaru because yoshiki’s perception of hikaru is different. rather, “hikaru” is the hidden and repressed emotions hikaru never was able to say out loud. it is inhumane and possessive and childish and immature because hikaru is inhumane and possessive and childish and immature. it is not a separate entity, it is hikaru’s feelings and thoughts and emotions. what if that happened

[magokoroooo]

happy birthday yoshiki! another year of the eldritch horror entity taking the body of your best friend who has severe attachment issues relating to you and your lingering immature feelings for your deceased best friend and your internalized homophobia in a close-minded rural town continuing to be a part of your very core! how’s the family?

[magokoroooo]

i think another tragic aspect of the story was that they were both 17. yoshiki and hikaru were both 17: on the brink of adulthood and almost leaving childhood. that meant hikaru died just a year before he became an adult. he died still a child. still young. and the way both yoshiki and hikaru could’ve continued being a child for at least another year if hikaru hadn’t died. or maybe if hikaru’s corpse had been discovered that night, yoshiki would have been able to move on. and it would have hurt for a couple of years, and he would have cried, but the pain would slowly go numb when he knew that hikaru was fully dead. but because hikaru’s body is still walking and talking around, he doesn’t get to move on. he doesn’t get to grow up, and leave behind hikaru in his childhood, trapped in the prison bars of his own immature feelings and grief. but it’s not only the fact that he has to keep clinging on to his childhood and his immature feelings in order to accept “hikaru”. yoshiki had to grow up a few years too soon. he had to witness everything that happened and everything that went on. he saw hikaru’s corpse on the mountain that day. he knew hikaru died on the mountain that day. he had to accept that the largest part of his childhood, someone that made him feel vulnerable and safe and so unbearably loving was gone forever from his grasp. he is forced to accept this as hikaru walks and talks around him, as he goes to school and studies, as he sleeps and acts like everything is okay. like everything is normal. like he had not lost hikaru forever. his childhood, his summer, his innocence and his best friend, all taken away too early.

[snalsupremacy]

Reports are in: We Are So Fucking Back

[magokoroooo]

i missed like 5 chapters what the fuck is going on

[magokoroooo]

and does hikaru know of the love yoshiki holds for him? of the warm feelings bubbling up inside him when he laughs just the slightest? of his flushed face when hikaru would lean in just a bit too close, feeling hikaru’s breath on his own? does he know of the hate, the disgust yoshiki has for himself for feeling this way? the paranoia and the anxiety of noticing how focused his mind when hikaru’s shirt is pulled up to reveal the slightest bit of his stomach? the feelings of fear he has of the villagers finding out, the panic he faces when hikaru sleeps next to him after an argument with his family, tensing up when hikaru teases him just a little? does hikaru know, then? that he is loved, and adored, more than he will ever know? does hikaru know, then, that yoshiki had loved him, when he left the world so? does hikaru know? of yoshiki’s love? of the love that they had between each other that was so cruelly ripped apart by fate, that he thought was unreciprocated? does hikaru know, that despite everything, they would’ve never been able to be together? does hikaru know, that even in other worlds and other lives, they would never be able to find a happy ending holding each other’s hands? does he know that?

[magokoroooo]

hikaru definitely knew of yoshiki’s feelings. hell, he probably reciprocated them himself. he knew yoshiki just as well as yoshiki knew him. knew every mole that scattered on his body and every nervous grimace when he was scolded and every eyelash on his eyelids. hikaru knew yoshiki would have been alone. he lied there on the forest floor, and he thought of yoshiki, and he thought of yoshiki being lonely, and he resorted to condemning himself to a fate most would call hell: to have a being, something take over his body, mimic him, act as him. have his death never be known, never be mourned, never be noticed by those around him, because he did not want yoshiki to be alone. because he did not want to leave yoshiki behind. because he did not want yoshiki to continue without him. and most of all, he wanted to remain with yoshiki, at least in some way. he wanted yoshiki and wanted to be with yoshiki. and maybe it was the fact that it was not normal for two boys to love each other, maybe it was the fact that unuki would only ever take women, that restrained hikaru from telling yoshiki. that stopped them from having a different ending to it all. and maybe he knew, and maybe he didn’t, of yoshiki’s feelings. and maybe, by resorting to making a deal with unuki, he thought yoshiki would have remained happy. remained unknowing of his fate, never noticing the slight differences in his demeanour. he wouldn’t have needed to grieve, to mourn, to cry and sob and face the facts of his best friend’s untimely death. or, he thought so. and maybe this was a curse, passed down generation by generation, the indous and tsujinakas never having their way. never being content. it had happened before, with hikaru’s father and yoshiki’s father, and it had happened again, because yoshiki did notice. did mourn. and did cry. and did grow attached, and did grow hope that he could keep hikaru with him. and did grow hope that for just a while longer, he could pretend that hikaru was still alive. and unuki may have never taken men before, in their plight, but in the end, yoshiki was taken anyways.

[magokoroooo]

thought of a possible ending for the summer hikaru died where yoshiki is too tainted with the impurities due to having accepted being around “hikaru”, and is no longer considered a part of the human realm, cursing him to a fate of being something superiour to human but lesser than gods, forever wandering the mountains. years pass, and then a boy dies in the mountains one day, whose body he takes over. it ends in a loop of his story. and it just goes on. over and over.

[magokoroooo]

THE TRAILER’S OUT AAAAAA

something something about how the ending song slowly distorts to reflect hikaru’s image in yoshiki’s mind slowly fading away and distorting due to “hikaru”’s existence

[magokoroooo]

about the new teaser art and stuff

it’s so beautiful i’m going to die netflix better not mess up the show

but also something i thought was interesting was how both hikaru and “hikaru” appeared on yoshiki’s back. it’s a strange choice but it lowkey fits.

but like do you think the way both “hikaru”’s and hikaru’s face appears at the back of yoshiki symbolizes the fact that they will always be a part of him, no matter what? no matter how much time passes, or what happens? that he’ll never be able to forget them?

and also how yoshiki’s turning back to the audience too. like the way yoshiki turns back to face the audience symbolizes the way he keeps turning back to “hikaru”, knowing that hikaru is already gone and dead. the fact that he keeps clinging on to what clearly isn’t hikaru and will never be simply because it is the only trace of hikaru he has left, that he will keep turning back to the past and desperately trying to grasp the slivers of memories and the childhood and friend he once had because he cannot let go. because he will never let go.

[magokoroooo]

losing my mind over edits of hikaru ga shinda natsu that i saw with tyler the creator songs. it just fits so well.

like are we still friends. are they still friends. “are we still friends? can we be friends?” and “hikaru”’s struggle with getting yoshiki to accept it as hikaru, to accept it as his friend, to accept its love, its emotions, while it is still masquerading around with hikaru’s face, talking with hikaru’s voice, acting with hikaru’s body. can it still be friends, can it still be yoshiki’s, if it’s not hikaru? is it still yoshiki’s even if it is not hikaru? are they still friends, despite?

do NOT even get me started on like him. it’s so twisted. like what do you mean. what do you mean. “mama, i’m chasing a ghost, i don’t know who he is, mama, i’m chasing a ghost, i don’t know where he is.” and how yoshiki is so desperately chasing after something, someone, who is no longer with him, no longer in this world. how he does not recognize “hikaru” as his hikaru despite its similarities, despite it being a “perfect copy of him”. he does not know who this “hikaru” is and he does not know where his hikaru is, but he knows. he knows that this is not hikaru. not the hikaru he loves. not the hikaru he yearns for. not the hikaru he wants. he knew from the moment he saw hikaru’s cold corpse that day in the mountains. he knows. yet he will keep chasing the ghost that is hikaru, the remaining traces of hikaru that he has in order to hold on to him just for a little more.

and especially that part in the song where it goes like “do i look like him” like do they just want me to die? like, what do you MEAN. “so, do i look like him?” does “hikaru” look like him? does “hikaru” look like yoshiki’s best friend? does “hikaru” look like the boy he loves? does “hikaru” look like his corpse? does it look like the boy that yoshiki has silently yearned for for years, silently watched from the shadows, silently observed, silently admired, silently loved? does it look like the boy that yoshiki has been friends with ever since they were toddlers, the boy that yoshiki shares more memories with than his family? does it look like the boy that yoshiki has biked with on the village roads across multiple summers? does it look like the boy that yoshiki has gotten sunburns and bruises and scratches and cuts and insect bites with? does it look like the boy that yoshiki has had over at his house so many times that his things are littered across yoshiki’s room, like they belong there? does it look like the boy that yoshiki has eaten popsicles and cheap ice cream cones with under the roof of a shabby, run-down convenience store with? does it look like the boy that yoshiki had confided in about his parents’ regularly scheduled arguments? does it look like the boy that yoshiki had been flustered with and looked away when he revealed just the slightest bit of his skin? does it look like the boy that yoshiki found so headstrong and confident and idiotic yet still so gentle and caring at times? does it look like the boy that yoshiki had grown up with? does it look like the boy that yoshiki had fallen in love with? does it look like the boy that yoshiki had lost? does it look like hikaru?

god one day im gonna die and it will be mokumokuren’s fault.

[magokoroooo]

maybe hikaru didn’t tell yoshiki that he loved him back, because he thought he would have had more time. maybe he thought that he would have been able to tell yoshiki when they graduated. it’s common for high school students to do that. maybe hikaru had planned it out. maybe he had written it all down. he would have gone to the river after the graduation ceremony, leaving a note for yoshiki in his shoe locker. he would have stood, the water reaching up to his ankles, in the middle of the flowing river where they spent their childhood summers playing together. yoshiki would have came, and they would have faced each other, and hikaru would have said, “i love you.” and as the sunlight hit, he would have been able to see yoshiki’s face, smiling and nervous against the afternoon sky. maybe he thought that he would have liked seeing yoshiki’s reaction specifically there. specifically at the river when he first learnt of yoshiki’s feelings. specifically at the river where they had splashed each other and laughed alongside each other. specifically at the river which was a stream of all of their childhood memories, reminders of their bond and the moments they shared together. maybe he wanted to see yoshiki smile there, above anywhere else, because it was theirs. their river. their childhood. maybe he had been thinking about it when his family told him that afternoon, that “you need to go to the mountain next week”. maybe he was thinking about it when he slipped and fell. maybe he had been thinking about it when he died. that he could’ve told yoshiki. that he could’ve had more time.

[magokoroooo]

i think something depressing about the summer hikaru died is that hikaru probably knew about yoshiki’s feelings to some extent. and he had probably reciprocated those feelings too, considering how in the original oneshot his last words were “tell him that i like him”. i think it’s depressing because they may have had the chance to be closer, to have found out and developed their relationship further, to have truly spent the last few years of their childhood loving each other. but because hikaru went to the mountain that day, that future was completely lost.