On Shipping Asexual, Aromantic and Aroace Characters, and Why it is A Delicate Matter
I've noticed that some people in fandom can be a little... strange... about aro/ace characters, so I thought I'd take a penny for my thoughts, even though no-one offered one :)
Here's something that I've seen rather a lot:
"But ace/aro/aroace people can date!!"
Yes, this is true!!! Saying otherwise is at least somewhat aphobic (even if you yourself are aro/ace), as all ace/aro/aroace people are valid, and it is important for aro/ace/aroace people who want to date to be able to explore their identity within characters!
HOWEVER, this is not an excuse for allo people to be able to just treat these characters as if they are allo! That is not ok! An ace/aro/aroace person in a relationship will not experience that relationship in the same way that an allo person would! Some people use 'ace/aro/aroace people can still date' as a damn loophole rather than an exploration of the vast diversity of aro/ace experiences, and that is not good.
Here are just some examples of how a relationship containing an aro/ace person may be different to an allo relationship:
They may engage in sexual and/or romantic activity because they like how much their partner enjoys it, rather than because they want it themselves. Like how you might engage with a loved one's hobbies even if you're not particularly interested in them yourself.
They may have a relationship with little to no sexual and/or romantic activities because they don't particularly enjoy them or actively dislike them, and their partner is willing to give that up because they love them as they are and want to make them happy, in the same way the aro/ace person does in the last bullet point! It's not always the aro/ace person who has to make concessions in the relationship! That's pretty darn aphobic!
They may both be on the aro/ace spec, so are content without any/much sexual and/or romantic activity in their relationship!
They may enjoy sexual and/or romantic activity! But unless they are demi/gray they will probably still not want it in the same way that an allo person does*. They may view it as a fun activity rather than the innate desire, the craving, that allo people seem to experience.
*demi/gray people are still aro/ace, and will still not experience relationships and attraction exactly like an allo person would! Demis tend to only develop attraction after they have already built a strong relationship with a person, so they will not fall instantly in love! And grays experience attraction only rarely, weakly, or under specific circumstances, so they may not feel attracted to a partner who they are in a relationship with all the time!
Now, I have... complex views on shipping, fanfics etc. On one hand, I do think that people should be free to play around with characters as they please (aside from romanticising morally abhorrent things eg pedophilia, rape, abuse etc), and I can and will simply ignore anything I don't like! If you want to treat an aro/ace character as if they are allo... I'm not trying to stop you. I'll probably sigh and grumble and roll my eyes, in private/to my friends, but I'll let you enjoy your fun. Fanworks/fandom don't negate canon representation, and they don't have to fit with canon. People can just have fun!
(Btw, if you are treating an aro/ace character as allo, whether in general shipping, fanart, or fanfic, that is an ✨️au✨️ and I would request that people acknowledge it as such. It is not canon-compatible!)
On the other hand, I do think some people need to examine why they feel the need to disregard a characters identity just for the sake of shipping them or writing smut. Maybe it's just because I'm ace and maybe aro, but I just do not get it.
Please ask yourself, if a character was canonically gay, would you want to ship them in a straight relationship? If not, why do you think it's ok to disregard aro/ace identities but not other queer ones? That smacks of aphobia! If you would ship them, then congrats, you're not hypocritical! I don't personally agree with you, but as long as you're not just homophobic too, you're probably just having fun with characters, like playing with dolls.
Additionally, if most of fandom revolving around the character disregards their identity, then that can make it unpleasant for aro/ace people who want to engage with content of a character who provides rare representation for our marginalised identity! A single person ignoring their identity isn't really an issue in this matter, but a hefty chunk of the fandom doing so can make it hard for people to find content of them being aro/ace!
If you are an allo person and you make fanart/fanfic that respects a characters aro/ace identity (whether its shipping or not), then I love you, and you are an absolute treasure! 🥰💜🥰💜
TLDR: shipping aro/ace/aroace people is fine and even good, as long as you treat their ability to have relationships as the part of their identity that it is, rather than a loophole and an excuse to be aphobic and basically just treat the character as if they are allo!
Please be nice in the comments.
