MangoCoal01's Tangential Nonsense

he/him, cisgender male, in my mid-20s, has Major Depressive Disorder & Autism Spectrum Disorder, Asian American (USA) I'll yap, vent, and talk about random stuff in here that I wouldn't put on my main blog, which I mostly reserve for finished edits/creations worth sharing.

[mangocoal01]

I'm thinking of playing GGST regularly again esp. with the release of version 2.0 & Jam coming out soon. Although, I don't think I'll play the latter anytime soon. I mained Potemkin and played Zato-1 as a secondary back in Season 1 and then gradually dropped off around the time Season 2 characters were rolling out till I was basically absent for all of Season 3 & 4. The bitter memories making it hard for me to play GGST are more distant now and I've changed a lot since then, so playing it with different friends doesn't hurt anymore. I'd like to try focusing more on different characters than last time. I'd like to learn how to play Queen Dizzy and, if I'm feeling motivated to learn more, definitely Jack-O'. I dabbled and learned some things with her during the last period I played regularly but I never committed to playing her as a main or secondary; which is funny because I was interested in GGST and eventually bought it specifically because I wanted to main her, at first, before going to Potemkin. There's other characters I'd like to learn or revisit but are not as high in my personal priority list like Baiken, Nagoriyuki, Asuka, and Slayer. I think I'll have more fun learning and playing the game this time around because I've got a somewhat better handle on why I play fighting games, what motivates me to learn, when I'm interested in playing and knowing what kind of emotional state I need to be in to attain a learning mindset, and what kind of company I'd like to keep, in the right context, while playing. I haven't got it all figured out and I may still have rough days ahead but I know how to navigate myself and life in general a lot better than I used to.

P.S. I also unironically enjoy "Perfection Can't Please Me" as Jack-O's theme song. It's one of my favorites in the soundtrack. I don't relate to the hate it gets from so many people in the social circles I'm in.

[mangocoal01]

What are the unspoken expectations & rules of fighting games? [Part 2]

People are often most frustrated when expectations aren’t met & information they were given & operating on in good faith is then painfully proven false. In short, people get mad when they lose because of rules they weren’t informed about or couldn’t have reasonably known about ahead of time (from their perspective, at least). Life isn’t fair and games aren’t necessarily fair either but they often try to present themselves as such to varying degrees by their very nature of expecting to be won, completed, or beaten in some fashion, which creates a subsequent audience expectation, of sorts; at least subconsciously, I imagine. A lot of games have this aspect to their play but FGs esp. seem to have this wide variety of mentalities of why folks play; this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, this also means that the “I’m just here to press buttons & have fun seeing cool moves”-type players and the “I’m looking for depth, data, grind, & personal style”-type players are both prone to sharing the same swimming pool so to speak because terms like “beginner” are so vaguely defined & widely vary from person-to-person to the point of being an unhelpful label/categorization in some cases.

And often times, most FGs kinda design around this by either making the pool shallower under the unspoken assumption that everyone that plays FGs want the experience of intense competition, practice, personal growth, & research as their endgame goal. This shared pool of massively differing values & personality types, I personally think, is an environment ripe for conflict & anger that drives people to feel misunderstood and thus more prone to hostility towards each other.

I dunno, if I have a greater point here. I’m not a strong essayist, writer, or debater and even less of a people person. There’s just so much to what constitutes quality teaching & how the human mind processes information that it’s hard to accommodate ideal learning environments for such a large mass of peoples of varying mindsets, temperaments, learning styles, personal goals, & IRL circumstances informing all of those. And yet the teaching methods & prescribed endgoals within common FGC cultures often feel so single-minded, inflexible, & unvaried in their approaches.

I am just sad & frustrated by seeing how sad & frustrated other players are because they don’t know how to frame their experiences in a non-self-destructive way, which often eases people's tendency towards hostile, toxic, & rude behaviors towards others, at least based on what I've seen, heard, & experienced. In short, people are less inclined to be nice when they're always cranky. I just wish there were better ways to effectively help people enjoy themselves more and, maybe, just maybe, they’d find it easier to be a little nicer to each other as a result. Even when the insults aren't aimed towards me, it can be tiring and disheartening to my already cynical & depressed state of mind that was already leaning towards misanthropic feelings towards humanity as a whole, online and offline. I wish kindness, non-judgment, & patience in folks' behaviors & communication was more of an expected norm rather than a shining exception, at least in the large online communities I've been to. (2/2)

[mangocoal01]

What are the unspoken expectations & rules of fighting games? (Serious. No demeaning jokes, please.) [Part 1]

Semi-rhetorical question. Moreso posing this hoping for a conversation starter or reflection prompt in various circles rather than looking for a defined answer and shared conclusion polished through debate & hostile arguments.

Just wrote out a lot of personal opinions, speculations, & unfocused ramblings that were prompted by folks arguing with their frustrations with beginner-level tourney brackets in an online server's tourney (as well as the "fighting games are bad products" article & the surrounding discourse): I think a big issue behind all of this is an underlying the fighting game genre in general is mainly that it doesn’t do a great job clearly establishing the general competitive mindsets & approaches that would help people frame their experiences playing in a less frustrated manner.

Most normal sane adults wouldn’t demand that 4-year old kids with no concept of or interest in strategy, patient waiting, or requiring the reading of multiple books in reading to achieve competency in playing chess. Fighting games don’t demand this either but some people coming into fighting games think that FGs & FGCs demand this. Do you know how common mentality of, “I refuse to play online or with other people until I know X combos/tech?

I think it’s a reasonable ask for players to know the rules before they play a game together; however, the clear & hard rules in FGs only go so far as, “Reduce your opponent’s HP to 0. Here’s a time limit.” Everything else is more specific/niche, harder to find info on, or rooted in important but hard to grasp minutia as a beginner with no context & no idea if they even like the kind of game that entails learning these bits of info. Stuff like frame data, clash levels, combo limits/damage scaling, strategies, how to predict opponents & assess risk/reward quickly, etc.

I think having these nuances is great and part of the fun of FGs but the games themselves don’t really make it clear from the get-go what kind of player effort done outside of the game’s software & explicit lessons is asking from them. Their tutorials, if they even have them, are usually relegated to combo trials, long text boxes, or button prompts to beat a predictable training dummy script.

Most of the things I learned about adapting, learning, detailed self-analysis, & mental priorities was learned outside of the game from other players. Again, that’s not a bad thing and moreso a testament to the various FGCs but I can’t help but feel like FGs are kinda being hard carried by those teaching types sometimes, which lets them get away with providing lackluster info and kinda being secretive about how their game actually works. I feel like, in an ideal world, we wouldn’t need websites like Dustloop to exist to find out the details of how a move works in a convenient fashion. I’m inclined to agree with the sentiment that it would probably help if the games themselves, without the need of player mentors or 3rd party guides, could explain in detail why they are losing & what they can do about it. And video games are in a unique position to provide instant feedback as electronic software media that analog or physical sports games can’t. But unfortunately, it seems the most info FGs care to notify you about in real-time is if you landed/got-hit-with a counterhit or punish. I imagine “Lab it out” is much more appealing advice when people know what questions to ask and know what the aforementioned “it” is without needing to go through menus to get to a replay they may not even have the knowledge base to analyze alone.

People play hard games with obfuscated & complex mechanics all of the time. Clearly not every complex or difficult game genre needs to provide such frequent & detailed feedback. But also most game genres aren’t regularly seeing immediately applicable benefits in play by knowing animation frame data & collision boxes ahead of time. (1/2)

[mangocoal01]

But when I see players at the top or amongst the most active & skilled, almost all of the ones I've seen & met online are upset & irritable on a regular basis. I rarely see them enjoying the game and they often seem to resent the game & the communities they play with but they keep playing anyway. It's not true in all cases, but I feel like in a lot of the higher skill level players I've seen, you have 3 options but you can only pick two: A. You are a happy player who is having fun playing the game. B. You are a very good player with strong skills & learning capacity. C. You are a player who is active online & socializes with folks there regularly. There are only a handful of individuals I've personally seen/know who have had all 3. Others have insisted I'm wrong about this but they only listed a handful of specific examples and didn't deny that bitterness & anger are the default sentiment and "that's just how games are in competitive communities". My issues is that bitterness & anger are the default and "that's just how games are in competitive communities" is expected and normal. That disdain, insults, name-calling, dismissive sarcasm, & rage are the norm and you either get with the program or you're seen as "weak-minded" or "oversensitive". Maybe I am. Maybe fighting games and competitive communities in general are something I should avoid for the sake of my mental health & safety. I like the games but I dislike a lot of the people. I often find myself more & more exhausted by most of the online FGC to the point of misanthropic & cynical thoughts about the future of humanity resurfacing in the back of my mind, to be honest. Maybe it'd be better if I had easier access to local FGCs but considering my history & feelings on socializing with folks in-person esp. in loud, crowded, competitive, high-energy environments, I'm not optimistic about being sold on people there either. I get how nice complaining can feel & I get the need to vent, I'm doing it right now. I understand how excessive positivity can feel cruel, isolating, & dismissive in larger community contexts sometimes. But the common acceptance of the smothering atmosphere of rage, bitterness, resentment, and vitriol I see players express towards each other, to devs, to pros, to casuals, to newbies, to long-time players...Seeing that in every online FGC space I've been to makes me really sad & exhausted. It's making me bitter & angry too, but for different reasons than them. As someone who is already naturally pessimistic, anxious & has depression on top of that, it has made me weary of communities and maybe just humans in general esp. in online spaces. I've already had rough experiences socializing in-person and out in the real world, "touching grass" and all that. In the past, I felt the problem was that I had a hard time talking with folks because I was shy & couldn't discuss my interests with people. Well, I've spoken up about my feelings in earnest IRL & online with groups that focus on specific things relevant to me, i.e. mental health, autism, depression, video games, art, writing, etc. And y'know what? I still feel lonely and struggle to relate to people. I know I like and can care about individuals, people I can talk to 1-on-1 or maybe in a group of 4 people or less. I'm not sure I have it in me to care about large-scale groups, teams, tribes, & communities anymore. (2/2)

[mangocoal01]

I'm intrigued by the latest patch notes for GBVSR and the changes they're bringing to Lucilius. Not sure about how I'll feel about Sandalphon's since I've been playing him a lot more recently. I'm seeing a lot of frustration in dejected feelings in the GBVSR Discord servers I'm in except for Vikala mains and Galleon mains, albeit with more trepidation. Everyone else is either apathetic or upset about buffs to characters they already saw as strong (i.e. Siegfried or Seox), nerfs that felt "meaningless" to said strong characters (Cagliostro or Katalina) because they got compensated in other ways, or the complete lack of changes to characters they felt were problematic for being too dominant (Metera & Beatrix). Me, personally, I'm just a casual/intermediate player so I don't think my thoughts have much validity to them. I can't really be sure how I'll feel until I experience the changes firsthand. But even then, it's not like play often enough or at a high enough level to appreciate changes like buffs very intensely like a lot of other skilled & experienced players. I can't get past S++ ranks while a lot of the folks in these servers talk about getting to Masters like it's as bothersome as making their bed, easily doable & nothing to be proud of to them. They play the game more than I do and play it at a higher level so the flaws, skewed odds, & repetitiveness is much more apparent to them. Although, I will say, it gets rather demotivating & draining to see folks complaining about the same things every day, saying how the game sucks/is stupid, how "X mains don't deserve human rights", and that they're gonna go play another game that's "actually good like [insert other anime fighter or gacha game]". To wanna play & see progress in my improvements/adjustments, to try new characters or tech, to actively think & adjust strategies mid-match, are all reasons why I enjoy fighting games, social aspect aside. I moreso play FGs to have a common medium of play with friends & meet new folks online rather than loving the game in & of itself. But I wouldn't choose FGs to make friends in if I didn't like what they are inherently beforehand. (1/2)

[mangocoal01]

"Cool Idea, Bad Execution" and How Sometimes Secondhand Descriptions of Stories Can Be More Exciting Than the Actual Stories Themselves

Y'know, I was listening to a podcast called "Lore Dump" a while ago, where the host would summarize the story of a video game to his two friend/co-hosts who haven't played those games by reading out dialogue in a dramatic fashion, giving vivid descriptions of the environments/scenery to set up the atmosphere, describe the characters' feelings, answer the questions of his friends about missing context or plotholes, etc. He condenses a lot of the narrative by leaving out most sidequest storylines and selectively skips out on a lot of characterization/lore/sub-plot details. Although, I didn't agree with some certain omissions as I felt it kinda misled his co-hosts' understanding of how the scenes actually played out but I think that actually ties into a point I found interesting.

Anyway, I didn't really like the podcast too much but what I noticed is that some games and certain scenes as the main host described them, made those scenes seem a lot more emotionally resonant and effective than how they are within the context of the games they were originally from. And I've noticed this a lot in other things is that a lot of narratives can conceptually sound great in what kind of themes and questions they'd like to explore but the framing, dialogue/prose, pacing, and presentation of these concepts cause the final product to feel bland, boring, trite, confusing, emotionally ineffective, etc. In short, the ages-old problem of "cool idea, bad execution" is always at play.

The host would leave out certain character moments or describe inner thoughts/feelings running through a character's head even if that was never explicitly shown or explored within the game itself. I'm not really sure if it's embellishing and rewriting history, mixing up interpretation with fact, or improving the narrative. Though I get why he does it since the host knows, most of the time, his friends aren't actually gonna bother giving these games a chance outside of his show's summary of them.

[mangocoal01]

Creative Projects I Wish I Could Love, Part 2

I'm sure there were ways to be creative and add spice to the CMV regardless of the set limitations but I had too many bitter feelings toward the current moderator team, I wasn't fond of 95% of the community in general, I disagreed with the judges' point assignments to the combo submissions, and I was also more depressed than ever from IRL circumstances. I was NOT in a mood to be creative for the sake of working around other people's pedantic bullshit. The mod had multiple editors willing to work but he didn't bother gathering the clips and putting them into one archive, dividing up the work properly, and didn't give the editors fully free reign over the work like before either. I dunno how much that bothered anyone else but it bothered me. And for experimentation's sake and for trying to get *something* done, I did eventually try to work on the CMV as if there were no rules or mandates but even then, I couldn't bring myself to get excited or want to flex my creative muscles for the sake of this CMV; it was asked for by a moderator whose approach to the server & team projects I felt was worse to work with than the last, for a community I mostly disliked now, a game I'm still burnt out on, for a combo event premise I think is boring, and for footage submissions I also thought were mostly unexciting due to a lack of visual flair or catharsis in a lot of their endings. But deep down, there was a still a part of me that wanted to finish this, to give the people who submitted those combos their flowers & time in the sun, to satisfy the few people who asked/joked/waited on a CMV that traditionally followed every combo event, and to pay my last dues to a game & community I used to love being around. But I don't think I can do even that anymore. So I think I'm just gonna detach myself emotionally from this project and take it off the backlog permanently. Drop it for good and abandon the hope that I'll feel differently one day and finish it properly. The person who could've finished this properly and made something good out of it, the community he would've loved making it for, the type of passion and creativity he'd have wanted to exercise for this project, it's all gone now. Anything I'd make now, would be a half-assed and shallow effort that I'd be ashamed to submit and offer. Even looking at the "highlights" I saved, it's just recycled concepts & ideas I had done before but worse. I'd rather drop a project and leave it permanently unfinished than submit a creative work I know was made lazily, bitterly, and insincerely on my part. (2/2)

[mangocoal01]

Creative Projects I Wish I Could Love, Part 1

This is a rambley post with no big central takeaway. Read or ignore as you please: Y'know, I've been dabbling in photo/image editing & video editing for a few years now, at this point. I initially learned how to do the former because I wanted to make my own memes with more precision & I did the latter because I wanted to make my own AMV. I like making visual gags and in-jokes for my friends that'll make them laugh. And I liked video editing because I liked videos that made action/fight scene choreography visuals match the pace & beat of the song playing during it. I wanted to make something like that myself. And I did, with my GGST music video that had Jack-O's theme, "Perfection Can't Please Me" played over various super moves, taunt animations, combos, clashes, etc. The end product was very cool and as difficult and time-consuming as it was to meticulously match visuals to the music for many moments, the process was fun & felt rewarding to get right. I still rewatch that video sometimes and I'm proud of what I did, considering it was my first project for a hobby/skill I never tried before. There's a lot I'd probably do different now if I were to do that idea again but I liked what I made and I liked putting it together. I also did this also for the three BlazBlue Centralfiction Combo Music Videos I contributed to for a server I was in. I was using other people's combo submissions this time and the dynamic was very different since I didn't have to record my own footage and instead had to work with/work around others'. It was difficult but I still enjoyed working on them. The moderator who collected the clips, made them easy to download in one Google Drive archive, and properly assigned which editors got which clips so no one stepped on each others' toes was helpful, not to mention, he was also a friend I liked working with. Eventually, that moderator & friend left and as time went on, I stopped enjoying my time with that BlazBlue community. Moderators' approach changed when my friend passed down admin rights and left the server, regulars I liked talking to stopped showing up as often, and I kinda just got sick of the repetitive conversations & unpleasant normality of regulars' crude humor and rude treatment of each other. Anyway, I left and came back to the server back-and-forth, each time hoping that maybe things got better in-between the months I was absent. They did not. I couldn't feel comfortable, enjoy the vibe, or be excited by the company even when a few people I liked returned. Maybe because I changed too much as a person and what I wanted and liked back then isn't what I what I care for now. Regardless of hindsight, I wanted to try and be of service again and try to make a CMV out of a server combo event because all of the editors couldn't get around to putting together a music video out of the video submissions. I arrogantly thought I could finish what they couldn't and pick up the slack or something. But maybe I should've realized there was more to their lack of participation than simple IRL circumstances taking away their time. I mean, the premise of that Server Combo Event was to challenge players to perform cool combos but they weren't allowed to use super moves. And I'll be honest, that shit was boring as fuck. Not to mention, the moderator mandated that the video must be ordered from combo submissions that got the least points to the most. That's a big restriction and extremely unfun to work with as an editor. Working within that framework proved unfruitful and I didn't get far. You might as well have put all of the raw untrimmed clips back-to-back and put your Spotify playlist over it. (1/2)

[mangocoal01]

How Series Start vs. What They Evolve Into

Been reading the original Dragon Ball manga recently which means it's ripe for edits and shitposts! That aside, it's also just a pleasant read and it's interesting to see how different the series was at the start compared with its more fantastical adventures & bizarre humor/gags to what it became later around around the DBZ-era and onwards with its emphasis on battles, world/universe-ending stakes, and emotional power-ups. Context: I read some of it and the Z-era of the manga volume collections as a kid so I've never experienced the whole story of Dragon Ball in one medium; I skipped around alot since I didn't have many full collections of DVDs & manga nor did I have cable TV for a while so I couldn't catch the story in one consistent airing. So alot of my understanding of the story is scattered across the Nicktoons censored DBZ Kai airing, the manga, DVDs of the films (usually in pairs of two like Fusion Reborn & Wrath of the Dragon being in one box), Youtube clips, and cultural osmosis from peers/the internet.

Funny how that works for so many long-running series in various mediums. For example, Batman Arkham Asylum feels so much more atmospheric, grim, and almost horror-like in some parts; Batman felt strong and capable but it still felt like he was an underdog against the overwhelming physical threat of the inmates & the psychological toll of just being at this rundown asylum that most definitely made the patients even more crazy. Contrast that with City, Origins, and Knight which take it to a much more action-focused angle. And the fantasy of "Batman is so cool and badass! He beats his whole rogue's gallery in one evening! He's literally HIM!" gets upped to 110% (not necessarily a bad thing, just a different vibe).

Or another example, Star Wars (1977) feels pretty different tonally, in my opinion, compared to how the rest of the series ended up being once it started iterating upon itself from Empire Strikes Back and onwards, esp. after the prequel films. From Flash Gordon/older sci-fi serials homage to its own brand and flavor of cultural mega-giant.

[mangocoal01]

I Like Talking to Myself Out Loud

Y'know, sometimes I feel like I've been around familiar people for so long that I get too used to how I habitually act around them. From that sense of routine and over-familiarity, I lose sight of myself and my inner voice. I forget what's "me" reacting to something and what's me performing a translated visible reaction & communicable thought to people in a performed fashion that I know they'll understand & give the general gist even if it's not totally accurate.

I went on a long walk today, as I tend to do when I'm (di)stressed, sometimes even when I don't realized I'm feeling that overwhelmed. It was about 3 to 4 hours in the hot sun. Really gross, sweaty, and tiring. Kinda bland too if it weren't for me browsing the internet on my phone. And in getting engrossed in that and the physical activity without checking social media or coming across many pedestrians, I realized I was talking to myself a lot, both internally & aloud. And I realized that I actually enjoy doing that. Talking to myself verbally or out loud, is comforting to me.

Whining and self-loathing feels sad and gross in my head but when I can just vent it to myself out loud with no prying ears to judge me, the self-awareness is just more prominent and it becomes more funny & light-hearted. The complaints and lack of self-respect feels less like an acid searing through my self-esteem and more just like a self-deprecating comedic bit & ribbing in good fun that's just for me, myself, and I. Not to mention, I feel as though TV shows are much more entertaining and engaging when I can just feel, think, predict, and chatter to myself rather than need to visibly comment and react to spark conversation.

I guess this is just my long-winded and kind of self-absorbed way of saying, I liked being by myself and hearing myself talk. Thoughts & feelings didn't feel overwhelming or feel like "overthinking" for once. I was just existing and it felt pleasant. I'm not jumping for joy and suddenly not depressed or anything but for a brief period, in hindsight, I actually liked being me for a little while. Not for actions, impact, words, work, or ethics. Just unapologetically existing without being prompted felt nice.

[mangocoal01]

Self-reflections (Part 4: I'm too tired to come up with an interesting title)

I think there’s some sort of saying about how “people hate in others what they hate most about themselves.” I am inclined to agree with that general sentiment in regard to myself. Hypocrisy in others irritates me so much because I so often find it in myself & my simplistic views of the world.

As the years go by, I find more & more exceptions, clauses, and addendums to add to my approach to moral assessments in various situations. And it gets more & more exhausting to share space with people who have their own complicated views (or overly simplistic ones). Life feels like a game where the rules constantly change yet people will grill & shame me if I don’t keep up. Sometimes I feel as though the only reliable constant is that the pain of losses & failures will always outweigh the fulfillment of rewards or virtue.

I hate myself when I lose and I hate myself even when I win because I didn’t win faster or better. Acting cruel & primarily selfishly arms my guilt with ammunition that destroys me internally. But acting with socially acceptable restraint, morals, kindness, & compassion makes me feel imprisoned. I’m unhappy either way.

At this point, I don’t believe I’m a very kind or altruistic person by nature, only by early childhood conditioning & fear of societal shaming. I find myself experiencing an aching jealousy of the shameless selfish assholes who hurt people constantly without a care in the world about what happens to others. Either they’re blissfully ignorant or, more likely, simply don’t care. Their worldview enables them to blame the victims & free themselves of fault or the weight of responsibility. They don’t have to care. I wish I could do that. Turn off empathy or at least the passing awareness of it, that something I do or don’t do is wrong. I can’t remember the last time I had a clear conscience. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if life is more just compromising yourself, settling for less, and just “learning to live with it” rather than actually accomplishing anything of personal value. You don’t cure depression, you just learn to live with it. People don’t stop grieving, they just learn to live with it. People don’t stop feeling chronic pain, they just learn to live with it. It’s cruel but “that’s just life” and we “just have to live with it.” Or we settle for legacies and give dreams for the next generation to work on.

Maybe some people do get to live lifetimes where hard work and clever thinking pays off & die without regrets. But it seems to me it’s more of an unfeeling random crapshoot. Sometimes people are just miserable their whole lives and then they die.

Personal agency, fairness, or morality doesn’t even factor in but other people will retroactively judge & treat those “lesser” than them like their choices led to their unhappy ends, that “they deserved it”. It’s fucked up. And I guess religions and various understandings of spirituality were formed to combat these feelings of helplessness against the unfeeling chaos of the cosmos.

But scriptures, philosophies, churches, and the like get so caught up in humanity’s “-isms” and the limitations of language that they seem to only reinforce the kind of miseries on others they claim to combat against. Feels like their self-studies, elaborations, and defenses are extremely roundabout ways of needing to justify their own existences & continued relevancy even though those stories, lessons, & uses of language were founded upon understandings of a much different world back then.

It seems like the moral good that comes from those shared understandings happen in spite of the systems used to spread & organize them rather than because of them. They feel more like a neutral tool that can be used for ill-intents or altruistic ones rather than a reliable, easily-understood, objective, universal good. I am irritated and resentful towards the majority of humanity yet I am biologically, culturally, and emotionally inclined to care about their welfare by my upbringing & temperament. I can tolerate & even enjoy individuals or small groups. It’s communities, organizations, societies, civilizations, or masses in general that I can’t stand.

You can talk things out with an individual, but you often can only talk at masses, to public forums, to parties, to peoples, rather than a person. It’s too damn crowded, loud, impersonal, imprecise, un-catered, uncaring, and messy to interact with swaths of differing peoples. Something will always be compromised for the sake of generality and keeping in line with schedules & fairness. Things are compromised & misunderstood in relationships between just two people already. And, regardless of that volatility, humanity still feels the need to expand even more, optimize even more, produce even more.

A server can’t just stay a friendly in-group for many. No, it has to become public, it has to let in more members, to get more moderators, get more publicity. A business can’t stay small, its success is inclined to be pictured as persisting to the next generation, become a corporation, to expand to other regions, globalize, raise their stocks, produce more, gain more profits, etc.

Something crucial for the personable human heart is always lost with expansion and yet so many feel driven to do expand anyway. To be more, to be immortalized, to last longer, to become more secure, more powerful, etc. “Number go up” is vital for humanity’s values and I hate that we’re inclined to be like that as part of the human condition.

[mangocoal01]

Addendum to my previous self-reflections post (Part 3, I guess)

To elaborate upon looped conversations and regretful memories, there's one in particular that happened years ago but still feels like a fresh wound: A couple years ago, a former friend of mine said, "If I kill myself tomorrow, it's [Mango]'s fault." Despite all the time we shared of jokes, games, mutual understanding, and friendship, I didn't do the best job of cutting him out of my life when his own mental health issues caused him to start lashing out against people, including our friends. Even if other people were willing to endure the mean-spirited things he was saying to them, I wasn't comfortable sharing space with someone who'd say that shit and not even apologize; I get enough of that from my dad.

My moderators were also struggling with their own mental health problems so they left it up to me to figure things out alone & deal with my former friend. Unfortunately, I didn't make the right choice. So after he left my server to storm off like he always did whenever he was mad, I blocked him from said server so he couldn't rejoin and blocked him from my DMs too. I ghosted him and didn't even tell him why I did so because I wasn't brave enough to have that hard conversation. I didn't want to get yelled at esp. since I was already in a bad spot emotionally myself beforehand for unrelated reasons before the problems started escalating. I should've told him myself why I was keeping him out of my life and couldn't be a support for him anymore. But I didn't. And my weakness in that time haunts me to this day. Everyone else formerly associated with that old friend group forgot it even happened or it barely even registered as a memory, but those wounds still deeply hurt for me. To hear someone I respected for his kindness and compassion say he'd blame me for his suicide (that he didn't ever follow through on as far as I know, thank goodness) scarred me. The person who said that, the person I blocked out of my life, was not at all like the person I befriended. Later on, he made his own separate friend group, pushed mutual friends to pick sides, and formed his own server. Lots of venom from him, kept calling me a "traitor" whenever he mentioned me, and I just wasn't comfortable to be in the server we met in anymore. I hope he's doing better, that he doesn't feel the compulsion to lash out against his friends, and that this memory doesn't haunt him still like it does for me. I don't regret keeping him out of my life; I just regret how I went about doing it.

[mangocoal01]

Sharing self-reflections and ramblings in case someone relates to it (Part 2: The Search for More Meaning)

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" is what they often say, right? I've tried very hard throughout my life to be grateful, to not forget to appreciate my privileges & luxuries, to acknowledge how many comforts are not guaranteed, and shouldn't be taken for granted. However, this does not make me happy or content. I live with my parents, don't have to pay rent, have air conditioning, have decent internet, have a good desktop PC & smartphone, never worry about food or water running out, have decent weather all year, all of my limbs are fully functional, I don't experience chronic pain, I don't have cancer, and I don't have any physical disabilities that impede my ability to act. Many people slave away at jobs they hate, toil away at college & bet their savings for college loans, and overall, work tirelessly & often selflessly to earn a means of providing for their families or just to survive to the next day. They dream of one day experiencing only half of the comforts I can safely get for free just because I was lucky enough to have financially well-off, patient parents who care. And yet, I'm still unhappy. So much free-time, no financial pressures, no physical dangers, and yet I constantly feel anxious, angry, and hopeless about the world. "I have it so easy compared to everyone else and yet, I'm still miserable. I'm too scared and resentful to get back out into the world that has punished me for trying but also for not participating. What does this say about me?" I'm a selfish, cowardly, freeloading, pretentious, overly verbose waste of potential who dreams more of jumping head-first off bridges than being a better person that's worthy of his own respect, let alone others'. I loathe myself and I despise the inescapable aspects of the human condition even more. And yet, I'm also too weak-willed to follow through on committing suicide. Too afraid to live well, too fearful to end my own life prematurely. People often say "But people love you." or "Mom will be sad." as their reasons for staying alive and often tell suicidal people that's why they should be alive. Living for others' sake sounds like a strong motivator for good-natured, compassionate, altruistic, and empathetic individuals. A lot of morally decent, righteous-minded people are in my corner and want me to get better because they care about me. They certainly don't keep me around for contributions to practical survival needs or my winning personality (this latter part is sarcasm by the way). However, those people are not what keeps me from climbing over the rails of a tall structure, I'm sad to say. A good person might think of their family & friends to stop but for me, love just isn't good enough anymore, to give or to receive. Dad's love didn't stop him from calling me a "r*tard" for my failings in his eyes, Mom's love didn't motivate her to stop said dad's harsh actions driven by his unstable temper, my brother's love wasn't enough to stay with those parents and me, and my love wasn’t enough to find a way to make it all better, to drive me to make myself better and to become more deserving of decency. I’ve tried my best to be patient, to be considerate, to be kind, to be compassionate to others my whole life. (I’ve also tried being kind to myself but with much less sincerity and success.) I don’t always succeed and the balance is hard many times but I’m not going to give up. Not because I’m hopeful about humanity or that I like interacting with people but because my guilt for not adhering to those trained behaviors & culture values would eat away at me and exacerbate my already insufferable low self-esteem issues. I don’t need to give my brain more ammunition to shame me with and more conversations to replay in my head to remind me of how I’ve failed. 

I tried my best repeatedly and I’ve never been good enough for myself or others. I can’t justify my continued existence nor can I justify my death. It’s like I’m perpetually drowning in owed compassion, finances, & time people have invested in me. I’m not allowed to just exist, I must produce, serve, and justify every action somehow. I feel trapped. My life is not mine to live or take. And even if I somehow just packed up my bags, ran away, cut all contacts, and lived off the radar, how would that be any better? The past already happened, the wrongdoing already occurred, the time is gone forever, and the internal suffering hasn’t stopped. There’s no healing to experience, no justice to be had, no inner peace to achieve. Taking away problem people doesn’t take away the problematic mind, the common denominator: Me.

My sense of agency feels so weak and I have no idea what I want. No ambition feels worth committing to, no dreams that aren’t out-of-touch delusions, and no personally meaningful hope that can be realistically achieved within my lifetime or within the confines of my limited form of existence. Ever since I was depressed, people have been treating my thoughts & feelings as falsehoods, untrustworthy lies, and delusions of a sick mind. So now I don’t know what to believe anymore. I can’t trust myself and I’ve lost my faith in other people, even those closest to me. Or perhaps, especially those closest to me.

[mangocoal01]

Sharing self-reflections & ramblings in case someone relates to it (Part 1)

Gonna see my relatively new therapist again for our, like, 4th or 5th session. I'm not particularly impressed with her input or insights despite my best attempts to explain my problems, goals, thoughts and feelings earnestly. My faith in the efficacy of therapy or mental health treatments in general has been shaken for some time now.

At this point, I'm starting to think that maybe help isn't in the cards for people like me or maybe just me specifically esp. after all the brain treatments, 15+ medications, multiple therapists, and support groups. There's only so much of that and following the same self-help/self-improvement spiel of daylight, exercise, dieting, and community service/participation/volunteering before I start to wonder if anyone actually truly knows what they're talking about in regards to advising other people.

"Everyone is different" or "Everybody's unique". People often say this with the intention to comfort or to help make the world seem more sensible to the confused & lost. But the way I see it, it's incredibly isolating and emphasizes the loneliness of being a thinking, feeling, conscious individual. Despite our words, our poetry, our art, our various obtuse ways of expressing feelings & ideas to one another, I often find words rather...lacking.

People often fight over disagreements on perception, on misunderstandings, on beliefs, on generalizations, on philosophies, etc. Words are supposed to communicate shared concepts and yet, we so often get confused or mislead by them because of context and/or our lack of understanding of said context. Knowing someone's history, their diagnoses, their temperaments, the lessons they took away from various experiences growing up, etc. can make all of the difference. And sometimes it doesn't, it depends. That's the frustrating part. It feels like everything I once considered the truth can come with an additional clause and asterisk that demonstrates exceptions or requires additional clarifications on context/tonality to avoid confusion and anger.

But we seldom have the time, interest, or energy to get a full psychological profile & personal understanding for every person we communicate with. Try as we might to create shortcuts, common terms, similes, metaphors, analogies, symbolism, the beautiful and sad thing to me is that the human condition will ultimately be yours and yours alone in the end. No one will know exactly with perfect precision what it's like to be you and I will never understand what it's like to be other people.

We can have similar or shared experiences, we can have common ground, but, to me, the chaotic uniqueness embedded into all consciences means every connection will be reached through a medium, a middle ground, an approximated translation of feelings built via induced empathy. And, too often, many crucial aspects of the human heart are lost in translation. Too often, it feels like we're all brains trapped in skulls; we see each other but can never truly touch synapse to synapse. This may not necessarily be a bad thing for many, some people may even find it beautiful that despite how much that separates us, we as a species are very good at forming things like trust, respect, honor, loyalty, and love.

[mangocoal01]

Questions on the Measurement and Meaning of "Skill" in Fighting Games

Context: I typed this out in response to a tier list of BBCF characters that categorized them by skill floors and ceilings ordered like this: "high floor, high ceiling" "low floor, high ceiling" "high floor, low ceiling" "low floor, low ceiling" "accessibility characters" And no, I won't share the image since I didn't ask for their permission to share and I feel like it would distract from the point of conversation I'd wanna discuss anyway. All 1-5 people who'd read this and understand what it means would just spend the entire time arguing the character placements instead. Anyway, I was intrigued by the topic and the following brief discussion afterwards and it got me questioning on the specifics by which we measure skill and competency. It's obvious when we witness it but the details and minutia of describing difficulty, skill, competency, and struggle are a bit more elusive for me. Because difficult, in my experience with other people, is very subjective and by that nature, things like skill are also subjective. What is a Mt. Everest hike struggle for one person may be "brain-dead easy" for others, and not just for fighting games but any task, craft, or skill. Anyway, here's what I typed:

I feel like the terms “skill” or “good” in relation to “how good someone is at a game” are somewhat subjective and can greatly vary from person to person. And I think it would be helpful or, at least, an interesting point of conversation, to lay out in more detail what those terms mean in a clearer fashion.

Definition of skill in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary for reference:

Definition of SKILL

the ability to use one's knowledge effectively and readily in execution or performance; dexterity or coordination especially in the executio

1.

a: the ability to use one's knowledge effectively and readily in execution or performance

b: dexterity or coordination especially in the execution of learned physical tasks

2: 

a learned power of doing something competently : a developed aptitude or ability

So what metric are we using to determine the skill of a player and how much a character demands of said player with their moveset & playstyle? What makes something require skill to do? What determines competency? Is it a win count? Is it which players & their characters you win against and how often? Is it how you win? Tourney or ranked results and statistics? 

How hard does something have to be in order for those who manage to do a task in a seemingly effortless fashion to be considered skilled? Which people’s struggles would one even consider for this measurement? Does the person who has never touched a fighting game before saying they struggle to play Izanami have as much weight as someone who mained Litchi for years? 

Not to mention, players come to these games with many different goals, mindsets, desires, and attitudes. Are they an experienced player just here to win and see “number go up” to bloat their ego? Are they interested only in doing impractical but flashy combos to have something challenging to practice, lab, & execute as opposed to fighting other people? Do they just wanna be good enough to beat their friends during their weekly hangouts? Questions like these ask what kind of person is playing and what their relationship to difficulty is.

For example, the average Joe Schmoe and Plain Jane will likely not immediately grasp things like motion inputs, let alone strategic mindsets, player/character match-up specific adaptation, & “game sense”. They’ll struggle even with “accessibility characters” and well-rounded starter characters.

Well, maybe some of you Chad Thundercocks here didn't & mastered it immediately, but I sure as hell had a hard time learning and I know many others struggled too. So is it only people who have reached some intermediate level of execution requirements before their opinion on skill and difficulty will be acknowledged? “You must 623C ten times in a row without fail before your opinion may be considered.”

If a person is struggling with Noel to reach higher ranks online or achieve tourney results due to needing to learn counter-play in varying match-ups, are their difficulties not relevant since you can "just mash buttons & cool shit still happens" for Noel's moveset? Does the simpler, less versatile toolkit make the character brain-dead or does that simplicity force the player to fight that much smarter in order to make such blunt straightforwardness viable against characters with more varied powerful tools?

[mangocoal01]

Ramblings I had on Metal Gear Rising and Metal Gear Solid's Differences in Gameplay & Storytelling Integration

Context: I wrote this all up while witnessing a conversation in a Discord server I'm in where two people are lamenting how Metal Gear Rising got panned and blamed it on fans of Metal Gear Solid for hating on it and that's why it'll never get a sequel. Or something to that degree. They never responded to this wall of text I made but I had fun writing it regardless just because it gave me a chance to reflect on my experience with the Metal Gear series. It's not very structured or cohesive but I just like talking about games I enjoy/enjoyed in the past that made me feel things (in a good way). Wall of Text commence: Gonna play a bit of devil's advocate as someone who enjoys the mainline Metal Gear games AND Metal Gear Rising while also sharing my own thoughts. Long messages and yapping ahead because I'm passionate.

TL;DR Alot of Metal Gear fans probably didn't enjoy the massive transition of gameplay-styles and the approach to MGRR's storytelling since it's pretty different from MGS1-4 in those aspects (and some others) esp. because of the legacy it was following up on.

Disclaimers: 

- I don't regularly interact with the Metal Gear fanbase in whatever form that may take like subreddits or speedrunning communities or whatnot. I just like Metal Gear in general and got into it around my later teenage years.

- I played MGS2, 3, 4, Peace Walker, Ground Zeroes, and Phantom Pain. I never got around to playing the entirety of Metal Gear 1 and 2 on the MSX OR Metal Gear Solid 1. I also haven't played any spin-offs like Metal Gear Ac!d or Portable Ops. 

- I don't regularly like interacting with haters or people complaining about games people enjoy anymore. It's just kind of tiring & repetitive for me at this point. So I don't see many of the interactions you're discussing but I can easily see it occurring. Still, discourse and hate in swaths of anonymous online non-faces is what I expect at this point so I try not to get caught up in complaining about other people's complaining, if I can catch myself beforehand. I don't like engaging with large groups or people not open to hearing out other arguments in good faith. I can enjoy engaging in discussion with an individual who actually wants to have a back-and-forth argument, not someone who wants me to be their pillow to scream in and tell me I'm wrong (often alongside some unflattering labels & name-calling), no matter what I say.

- I'd just like to say my piece here because I like adding wrinkles and contributing an additional perspective on the subject.

I like MGRR but I can easily see why it would rub some people the wrong way esp. if they were deeply invested in the mainline Metal Gear games' storylines.  The jump from stealth-action hybrid to high-octane character action combat can be jarring for many and holds different gameplay appeals in their pacing, APM, spectacle, & tone. Many people would've been used to the series being a stealth-action hybrid game for many years and would likely be in their mid to late 20s by the timing MGRR came out if they hopped on MGS1/MGS2 in their early teens, if we're being generous about how early they got into the series. Change and adaptation for new things gets harder & inconvenient for alot of people esp. as they get older and their brains get less malleable like impressionable, fast-learning kids/teens' are.

Not to mention, while Metal Gear as a franchise has always delved into some over-the-top goofy AF anime shit and melodramatic storytelling (it's part of why many love it), Rising definitely amps it up to 11 in at least the action sequences' intensity (which I like btw, don't get me wrong) & how it executes the story it wants to tell. The tone is in-line with the past games but it's a lot more intense and wild about it; plus, arguably, it's even more cartoony than the even hammiest moments of the MGS entries. Whether this is an improvement, just fine and make no difference, or downright irritating for some is dependent on the individual person, their tastes, and why they enjoyed the older games' storytelling. No accounting for taste. But either way, something was different and it didn't click with everyone the same way, for better or worse.

This also ties in with the story direction and the gameplay of MGRR, and how it goes about resolving the dissonance between the hyper-violent action & the series' common anti-war & killing and the action-heavy gameplay that often calls for it. MGS1 (not including the Twin Snakes Gamecube remake) didn't have a tranquilizer gun so you couldn't exactly do a no-kill run of that game but you could for the sequels afterwards. But even then, a large part of the story was about questioning & often condemning the violent killing of others and even taking a sadistic joy in it. The game's story was simultaneously talking about both Snake and the player (OooOoooOOooOOoH....meta commentary!). But anyway, even when the player/the main character kills even the most generic enemies, the game's framing, storytelling, and gameplay options make a point to emphasize there's a cost to killing, an inhumanity to it, a sort of dark stain on your record as the player, along with the character. You're often encouraged not to fight to begin with in modes like European Extreme difficulty, where it just says "Game Over" the moment you're detected, for example. Not to mention, the games often rewarded you for not killing the guards or non-essential NPCs, a lot of in-game tactics, rankings, item rewards, etc. tied into such things.

Anyway, I'm getting a bit off-topic from Metal Gear Rising Revengeance but I wanted to re-establish a bit of groundwork on the general tone & messaging of the franchise. In short, the Metal Gear franchise's story has always been rooted in anti-war sentiment & that killing is generally not a good thing you should do willy-nilly or be very proud about. I don't believe most people will find that reading highly disagreeable. And to its credit, MGRR also strongly attempts to adhere to this idea in its storytelling. However, the big thing that rubs some people the wrong way about it, is how it goes about addressing the dissonance between what is conveyed in the story and what is conveyed in the actual gameplay design. And believe me, a lot of people are deeply invested in the story of Metal Gear, esp. the Metal Gear Solid titles.

MGRR Story Context: Raiden repeatedly, in his dialogue in the first half of the game at least, makes a general point that he only kills because he has to in order to save innocent lives, stop bad guys, and all that. It's not something he's doing for fun or for its own pleasurable sake. His simplistic justification and viewpoint on his own violence is challenged by Sam when the latter essentially shows Raiden that the mercs he has been killing are also people too with reasonable motives, loving families, and very human struggles. Desperado, the source of villains and mooks in this story, essentially exploits poor & vulnerable people, esp. veterans, to be their "human shields", as Raiden snaps back at Monsoon later. Eventually, Raiden chooses to deal with this inner conflict by giving into his dormant sadistic joy of killing which seems to get him out of the brief depressive funk he was in after realizing he was killing soldiers who maybe weren't complete scumbags by fair choice. And for the rest of the game, he gets a power-up form out of it and he continues his mission to save child brains and stop the next big war.

ANYWAY, how does this work in tandem with the gameplay of Rising? And how does Metal Gear Rising's answer compare to how Metal Gear Solid games address the weight of killing? Well, to state the obvious, the game very much rewards and even encourages, to a degree, wanton violence & killing with the Zandatsu healing mechanic, the over-the-top QTE animations, the ranking system, Blade Mode finishers kinda prompting the player to just ham with the slicing & dicing for the final blow on many bosses, etc. 

Tangent: Yes, I'm aware of the wooden sword that you can use to potentially non-lethally defeat human enemies with but it's an optional unlockable weapon and even then, its use is not actively encouraged by the game's enemy/level design or mechanics within the actual battles themselves outside of a post-fight ranking bonus that congrats you for not killing people; it's kind of like the post-endgame ranking screens of the MGS games in that factor, at least. But regardless, I don't think most people would say playing the game using the low-damage wooden sword was the most fun way to play MGRR, let alone the most encouraged.

To oversimplify my main point here, there's an odd contrast between the story's "killing is cruel and bad" and the gameplay's self-indulgent "KILLING IS FUCKING AWESOME AND BADASS" (to oversimplify things) that probably rubs some people the wrong way esp. in the context of previous entries in the franchise's history. And there's more flattering interpretations of this dynamic that can put this juxtaposition in a more positive light, I'm sure, but it's usually not the kind of thing people bring up or explain in-depth. Most arguments just boil down to, "Ugh, the game is so hypocritical and confused on what it wants to be" followed by someone countering, "I DON'T CARE HE THREW A METAL GEAR!!!! YOU JUST CAN'T PULL THE STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS!" And then cue the name-calling, lack of media literacy accusations, and insults to each others' pretentiousness and/or simple-mindedness. Plus, sprinkle in some "Who cares about story, we skip the cutscenes on the second playthrough anyway"-sentiments and  "Metal Gear's story was never good to begin with and you're dumb for liking it"-type arguments ad-nauseam for years.

My personal thoughts on the matter is that MGGRR's story works well enough for me and I enjoy it, even if I personally feel Raiden's story should've ended with MGS4 (and the series in general tbh). A hopeful ending and cathartic resolution after so much strife & struggle for our characters. But I also understand companies like money and finished products so I understand why Konami & Kojima Productions hired Platinum Games & gave them more creative freedom to make it a sequel post-MGS4 instead of working a story within the confines of a prequel that takes place between 2 and 4. 

Also, I like the gameplay too. How it handles QTE animations, music, timing of said music tracks, fast-paced gameplay, is still some of the coolest shit I've seen in games. Plus, I know the mixed-messaging is weird but, I enjoy the game as a whole, regardless. I am kind of just used to videogame-storytelling compromises at this point so it rarely bothers me too much, even in the most egregious cases for many, e.g. "You utterly dominate the enemy in gameplay but you lose in the cutscene"-scenario. I just shrug my shoulders and think, "That's mildly eyebrow-raising but those are the kind of idiosyncrasies one should expect in the average game." I'm used to it and have accepted it.

[mangocoal01]

Random thoughts: As cool as traditional big beam clashes are, I am also a big fan of when a character stops a huge large swarm of projectiles with their own set of lasers to stop them in their tracks. I'm more used to seeing it in sci-fi settings with mechs or starships so seeing it in a fantasy setting is cool. I wish I could remember more specific examples but I know it's a cool visual I've seen in other media.

In the gacha game, I hear the Big Bad Evil Guy (BBEG), Lucilius, shooting the lasers downwards at the heroes uses "Paradise Lost" as a total party wipe super move at the first turn. And you gotta just be leveled up enough to be able to tank 30,000 damage before the fight even starts since it's a big climactic final fight.

Anyway in the video clip above, the other angel guy shooting the lasers upwards is supposed to be a foil, of sorts, for this villain except he shoots the attacks upwards. A kind of opposing dynamic of two types of angels, "bring down the heavens" vs. "ascending to the heavens" kind of thing; One uses their ultimate attack to kill everyone he considers beneath him, the other uses the same attack to save everyone he's close to. Very cool stuff even without knowing all of the lore or context.

Timestamped videos of the fighting game incarnations of their "Paradise Lost" super move without them clashing: