Mark tried so hard to keep running through the alley with only a dim light shined the path, tried so hard not to trip, while someone behind keep chasing him. Mark knew already that stealing bucks will put him under this circumstance, but his ego kept him from being sane. He needed the money to buy drinks, people will call him ridiculous if they found out, but being sober for so long is not an option when he has to deal with shits happening inside his house. That place cannot be called as a home anymore to be honest, not when his father always yells and kicks everything when he's pissed, including Mark.
Mark almost arrived in the alley where he always hides after doing stuff like this, when someone grabbed his hands. Mark almost had a heart attack --being caught is not an option right now, before he knew the person who grabbed him was Donghyuck.
"What the hell, dude! I almost had a heart attack because of you." Mark yelled, but in a low tone since he was too scared that person will catch him if he hears his voice.
"I'm trying to save you, dumbass. Now shut up or he'll find out." Mark just stayed still; he tried so hard not to think an image of him being in a jail by staring at Donghyuck. Donghyuck still looked so enchanting under the yellow neon. His sun kissed skin glows, like a gold. His red hair turns darker, making Donghyuck looks even more captivating. To be honest Mark always loves being stuck with Donghyuck but not in this kind of situation when he's about to risk Donghyuck life too because of what he did.
"Let's go, I think that man is already back into his house." Donghyuck grabbed Mark's hand, but Mark hasn’t moved a bit.
"How could you possibly know?"
"Well, I don't Mark. But we need to go okay, I'm fucking freezing right now." Donghyuck still tried to drag Mark out from their hideout, but Mark is too headstrong, he kept leaning his back to the wall. But he couldn’t ignore the fact that Donghyuck was shivering under his sweater.
"Here, use my jacket. And why in the world you're out under this cold weather only wearing a sweater?" Donghyuck always makes Mark so whipped, in every moment, even in the moment when he could possibly gonna freeze to death too after handling his jacket to Donghyuck, but he did it anyway.
"I was rushing because I saw you. You know that I'm always scared you'll do something stupid whenever you sneak out from your house in the middle of the night. And thanks for the jacket." Mark could see through Donghyuck's eyes that he meant what he just said, he really worried about Mark.
"Yeah also thanks for the rescue." Mark finally stop being so headstrong, and followed Donghyuck. They walked through the alley under the cloudy night, Mark can’t see the star because of the cloud, but what is the point of seeing the star in the sky when Mark has one beside him.
"Where are you gonna go tonight?" Donghyuck tilted his head to face Mark. They still walked slowly through the alley.
"I don't know, the empty building rooftop maybe." Mark just shrugged and kept adjusting his steps with Donghyuck’s.
"You're gonna freeze there idiot. Just stay at my place." Mark just nodded, he really didn’t really any option, but Donghyuck just gave him the best one. And Mark has to admit that Donghyuck just rescued him, not only today but always, yet he keeps dragging Donghyuck into troubles.
Donghyuck's room always feels so warm, maybe because of the heater or simply because Donghyuck is there. Mark can't tell. But Donghyuck's room feels more like home than his own house. He doesn't have to hear his father's yell and his mother's scream here. And that makes Mark feel secure. He can curl inside Donghyuck’s blanket all day and pretend that his life is great. He also has Donghyuck here, who will cheer him up when he starts feeling gloomy. Sometimes Donghyuck’s room can be very quiet but the silence that lingers in Donghyuck's room is peace to Mark.
Mark lies beside Donghyuck, counting sheep. He tries to close his eyes but after what just happened, it's just hard. His body is tired but his mind keeps imagining stuff, good and bad, too many what if that will never happen. He finally gets up; distracting his mind by counting the money he just stole. That money is enough to buy liquor for 3 days until Mark finally has to steal again.
"Mark, you okay?" Donghyuck's voice sounds raspy; he probably already slept few minutes ago.
"Yeah I'm okay, I just can’t sleep but I'm fine Donghyuck." Mark tries to sound convincing, but after all that’s just another lie he forces to say. He's far from okay, the circle under his eyes get darker day by day, his knuckle still full of bruises. He’s barely sober these days. He stops caring about school and tonight he just stole money from stranger. If okay is defined as a state where he can feel happiness, then he's definitely not okay because he doesn't even know if the word happiness still exists in his life; except maybe when he's kissing with Donghyuck. The sparks always emerges when Donghyuck is around him, giving Mark a chance to grasp happiness even if only for a second, because somehow if Mark's life was a canvas then the picture would be colored in blue.
The night went fast once Mark closed his eyes. He managed to get up on time after Donghyuck shook his body for a constant 5 minutes. But sleep deprivation really becomes a problem. Mark can barely open his eye during Mr. Seo’s class. But he tries so hard not to fall asleep or he'll end up in detention. Donghyuck, who sits beside Mark keep pinching his hand, helping him to stay awake for another 2 hours of boring lesson. For Mark today is just another day of trying to be okay at school. But at least today he can buy liquor from the store across his favorite empty building.
"I'll just skip class after this Donghyuck, just tell the teacher I'm sick. I will be at the rooftop." Mark can’t take this anymore. History will really makes him fall asleep and he thinks it’s better to sleeping rather than listening to story about some guy he doesn't even give a damn about.
"Fine, Mark. Don't do anything stupid okay, I'll meet you at the rooftop after class." Mark forces a smile to convince Donghyuck. After Donghyuck disappear to the class, Mark quickly goes into the rooftop. Their school rooftop is just ordinary, an open building with a bench in the corner and a small door. But Mark loves this place too, another place where he can escape, where he doesn't have to deal with how shitty life is. Mark lights his Marlboro, smoking makes his lungs suffer but that means nothing compared to his heart that suffers more. Mark just sits on the floor, blowing the smoke from his mouth until his face covered with vapor. The “I want to sleep” is just a bullshit he made so Donghyuck won't stop him. He just wants to be left alone. He can't stand facing Donghyuck when he's so miserable like this. Mark feels like he doesn't deserve Donghyuck. Donghyuck is just too good for an asshole like him. He can’t bear the thought of Donghyuck could probably get hurt because of him.
Mark doesn't know why he's now at the edge of the rooftop. For a second he thought he wanted to jump and just disappear but the truth is he just wants to see the town where he lives from here, so he can pretend that this town is beautiful and every person who lives here is happy, including him. But after all the reality is too harsh, everyone is suffering, even if today they smile, tomorrow they will cry too, because that’s how life works. Happiness is just temporary.
"Mark, what the hell you're doing there?" Donghyuck's voice drags him back to reality. Mark tilts his head to face Donghyuck who runs toward him. Mark quickly gets off from where he sits before answering Donghyuck’s question.
"Smoking, what else Donghyuck?" Mark just shrugs, then walks into Donghyuck, who still stares at him with worries
"I seriously thought you’re gonna do something stupid, stop doing this Mark seriously." Donghyuck quickly pulls Mark into his arms; Mark can only hug him back.
"I'm okay, Donghyuck. It's dumb to think that I'm gonna jump, my life is fine. I wouldn’t do that" Lie after lie. Mark is just faking everything, for a second he really thought about being gone and that scares him so much.
"How could you say that you're fine when you barely even focus on your study? You never pay attention, and what happened last night was messed up Mark, you know that. I'm just saying if you have a problem just tell me. We'll figure this out like we always do okay. Is it about your father again?" Donghyuck’s voice laced with concern. Mark somehow feels bad again because he makes Donghyuck worried.
"Yeah, but it's just more than that." Donghyuck pulls Mark closer to arms again. Mark knows Donghyuck can't simply just fix him. Donghyuck also can't glue the shattered pieces in him, but at least he could give Mark warmth he always needs. They end up sitting next to each other again, watching the sky turns from blue to orange, Mark’s head on Donghyuck’s shoulder. Mark is still a mess, but at least at this moment his fine, because of Donghyuck. Again.
The sky isn't really cloudy today. Mark can see some stars shining. He sits on the rooftop of an empty building, holding his liquor. The breeze makes Mark shiver under his hoodie. He's alone right now, but clearly hopes Donghyuck is here with him. He can't handle bitter alone today. His father just snaps again, leaving Mark with new bruises on his pretty face. The bruises maybe hurt but at least it will heal soon, somehow, but how about his heart that keeps aching no matter how long time passes. Mark starts filling his cup, maybe it's better to just feeling numb at the moment, so he keeps drinking until the bottle is empty. Mark can feel he's already drunk when his stomach starts to feel strange. He wants to throw up, but his body is too weak to even move. If Mark thinks drinking will make him feels better, that is wrong, the feeling after he's drunk is not as fun as what he always imagines.
"Shit" Mark mutters a curse while he tries to text Donghyuck. He isn’t sure about how he's feeling right now, but he's clearly so messed up. The moment Donghyuck arrived at the building; the floor is already filled with Mark's vomit.
"Shit Mark, what have you done? Dude seriously, did you just drink 2 bottles of this alone by yourself. Fuck, Mark you're freezing." Mark is just so close to pass out, but he can hear Donghyuck's voice is full of worries. He's so used of that voice. The only person who will scream in panic whenever he tries to hurt himself is Donghyuck, and Mark is fall much deeper in love with him.
The worst thing about being drunk is the hangover. Mark's head feels about to explode, the headache is just the worst. He can't even get up from bed even for only a second, so he's just give up and fall asleep again.
The moment he wakes up next, he sees Donghyuck sleeping beside him, curls under the blanket. Mark brushes Donghyuck's hair that falls into his face. Seeing the younger boy from close like this always makes his heart melts. The younger boy is just too perfect for him, and Mark is too scared to break perfection.
Donghyuck finally woke up 30 minutes later, his voice is so hoarse as he speaks to Mark asking if he's fine now. Mark just mutters an okay as the answer. They're just cuddling on the bed, linking their hands together, waiting the sun to fully shine the day.
"Mark can ask you something?" Donghyuck tilts his head to face Mark. Their face is so close; Mark can feel Donghyuck's breath tickles his nose.
"Sure. You always ask so many question, why bother asking if I'm okay with it or not." Mark gives the look he always gives to Donghyuck when Donghyuck makes him soft, a tender warm look.
"Well, actually it’s not a question but more like a request."
"Anything you want, Lee Donghyuck." Mark smiles to convince Donghyuck. He always thinks why is it so easy to smile when Donghyuck is around him and still can’t find the answer. Donghyuck hesitates before finally continuing.
"I want you to stop torturing yourself. I know you've been through a lot and I know you're just trying to cope with that by doing so many awful things. But you know Mark those things will destroy you. It will leave you only with more pain, more regret." Donghyuck stops to see Mark's reaction but he's just stay still, looking at Donghyuck with a miserable look. Donghyuck sighs before continuing. "It's right if you wanna say I don't feel what you feel right now. But Mark I care about you, and I'm trying so hard to somehow try to understand. So please stop doing all of those things." The way Donghyuck looks at him really kills. Mark can tell Donghyuck looks at him as a fragile figure that can break if he touches him too rough.
"As much as you want me to stop, I do want to stop too. I hate the hangover to be honest, I hate it when you have to see me in such an awful state like when I panicked because the stealing accident or when I passed out after drinking too much. I hate it, but what can I do when my heart already takes over my sanity and left me with endless heartache." The warm tears stain Mark cheeks that usually are red because of Donghyuck's compliment. But that color is long gone, leaving him with only bones and skin that.
"Then use me, use me as your escape. We can kiss, and pretend that we're living fine. We can hold hands, and run away for a moment. You can stay here as long as you want, Mark but please stop. I know this is maybe far from enough but if escape is the thing you search, I can give it to you." Donghyuck rushes his kiss towards Mark. Their lips pressed together, blossoms like roses on a spring day. Their kiss starts wild and only turns wilder as every second passes. Mark hands run through Donghyuck's cherry hair, while Donghyuck places his hands around Mark's nape, making their kiss deeper, and more intimate. Mark was the one who pulled out first, gasping because the lack of oxygen after their lips parted, still drowning in the high sensation after the kisses. Mark doesn't say this to Donghyuck but Donghyuck is just more than enough, a perfect escape for a devastated person like Mark. Once again his heart just takes over his sanity; letting Donghyuck comes closer to him again, ignoring the fact that he might make Donghyuck's life miserable. But Mark already swore a vow to himself to stop doing something that will make Donghyuck worrying about him. He loves Donghyuck so much, as much as (maybe) Donghyuck does to him, and once for a while happiness seems closer than he thought it was.
Sun shines so brightly today, as Mark's opens his eyes. He's now used to live at Donghyuck's. He never comes home after the rooftop accident. He's too scared of what he might do if he ever comes home. Donghyuck still lies beside him with a sleepy face.
"Morning, sunshine." He smiles so bright even after waking up.
"Morning dumbass." Mark replies, jokingly.
"I can't believe you call me dumbass after I call you sunshine." Donghyuck pretends to be offended; he tilts his head to the other way.
"Come on, it's not the first time I call you that Donghyuck. Fine I'll buy you ice cream." Donghyuck finally turns his head to face Mark again. His eyes filled with spark, he looks like a kid right now with his chubby cheeks blossom with red color. "Okay, deal. Now let's go." Donghyuck drags Mark to change his clothes and brush their teeth. "Gosh, you're so childish."
They're arrived at the closest convenient store 10 minutes later; holding popsicles. Donghyuck playfully pokes Mark's cheek with his popsicle, causing them playing cat and mouse. Mark tries to catch Donghyuck, while Donghyuck keeps running farther until they're finally run out of breath.
"I'm tired really." Mark just smiles; he's just as tired as Donghyuck but surprisingly he's happy.
"That's because you're messing with me. You should've done that." Donghyuck just laughs in answer. Mark can see Donghyuck is grinning right now.
"You're still losing any way."
"Whatever." They're both laughing. Indeed today is a good day, the sun shines so bright while the boys just simply happy because each other. Just being silly together, two boys against the world, at least that’s what Mark thinks.
The rain drops slowly, greeting the world with its cold. Donghyuck is shivering, while Mark just stays still, enjoying the drop that making his clothes wet now.
"Are we gonna stay here until we freeze?" Donghyuck says that while trying to cover the rain with his jacket.
"I think it's fine." Mark just shrugs. "Come on Mark we have to go." Donghyuck lends his hand to help Mark stand. Mark finally takes Donghyuck hand and gets up from where he sat previously. The rain is getting heavier, when Mark and Donghyuck finally arrived at the nearest convenient store where he bought the popsicles this morning. "
Let's run to our house." Donghyuck says. That idea is crazy, but Mark finds it very exciting.
"We're gonna get flu after this seriously."
"Come on Mark. I'll count to three, after that we run okay." Mark can feel Donghyuck linking their fingers together. He turns his head to face Mark and smiles before counting. Once again a moment like this really makes Mark feel alive, and more than anything he wants to stay with Donghyuck's warmth forever.
People say happiness won't last; that's just an undeniable fact. Somehow, some way sadness will find happiness, and will replace its position. It was dumb for Mark to think that forever could happen to his relationship with Donghyuck. Everything's crashed when he found out that Donghyuck never thinks their thing is a relationship. How easy Donghyuck says that Mark is merely a friend with benefit to his friend Jaemin as if everything means nothing. Mark doesn't know why knowing that Donghyuck only thinks of him as a friend hurts him more than his father's kick and yell. And maybe that’s why he shouldn't think someone is special when that person clearly doesn’t think like that of him.
It was a beautiful evening when Mark heard the conversation. At that time he didn't know what to do; facing Donghyuck will only cause more damage. But he doesn't want to give up after all that happened at least he wants to hear the reason though Mark knows the reason will tear him apart.
Now here they are, on the rooftop of Mark's favorite building. The night seems so unfriendly; the breeze greets them with its cold. Mark looks more miserable than ever and more messed up than the last time when Donghyuck still pretends to fix his broken pieces.
Donghyuck stands in front of Mark, looking so clueless but he clearly knows that Mark is angry. He just doesn’t know why.
“You okay Mark?” Donghyuck steps closer to where Mark stands right now.
“No, I’m far from okay you can tell. Well, I thought maybe I’m getting better after we’re together but guess what Donghyuck, I’m even more fucked up now.” Mark thought spilling the words will be hard, but somehow it’s easier that what he thought.
“Seriously what happened?” Donghyuck’s voice laced with worries. If it was the usual circumstance, Mark would be happy, but he’s just too bitter.
“I should be the one who asked that. What happened with us. I thought we’re really together. I thought you love me.”
“I love you Mark, what’s wrong with you? You know that right?”
“As a friend? Come on Donghyuck stop pretending, you only see as a friend with benefit, nothing more. Isn’t that right?” Mark laughs, but his laugh is filled with sorrow.
“I never thought you’ll fall for me, and I did that because you need comfort. I’m really scared you’ll do something stupid if you’re far away from me. I’m just trying to save you Mark by doing all of that.”
"So it’s true all of those kisses, hand holding, dates, and cuddles mean nothing to you? We’re just what friend with benefit. You’re seriously joking right? I thought we had something, I thought you see me as something more than merely a friend. Then what's the point of all of this you prick? What did you even bother to save me?" Mark wants to scream, but he feels like someone chokes his throat, he suffocates in a cold wind.
"I'm just trying to save you, Mark. I meant it."
"Yeah you did save me by trying to stop me from doing awful things, but what you did is more awful. You know that Lee Donghyuck. How could you possibly do this?" The wind blows so harsh, but the cold means nothing to Mark when he’s heart turns into cold stone after what Donghyuck said.
"I have to, Mark. You're just so messed up, you always hurt yourself. You know I can't risk losing you. I'm just trying to help."
"Well, you're not helping. If you don't mean any of your kisses then you should've just stopped. You should've told me that we're just friend from the beginning. Fuck, Lee Donghyuck, I thought we're..."
"You need help okay that time. I can't help but to do that, if i didn't do that, you would never stop and you might end up in jail or worse hospital."
"Do you think I’ll stop now after you broke everything now? Well guess what Lee Donghyuck, I won't." The warm tears stain Mark cheeks again. It’s been a while since the last time he cried, even after all that happened he still can hold on, but not until today.
"I'm sorry. I have to go Mark. I’m really sorry.”
Mark wishes what Donghyuck said is just a way to make this goodbye less painful. But the thing is Donghyuck already broke not only his heart, but his soul. Alcohol won't make him forget, when the person who tried to fix him in the first place is the one who finally shatters all of his pieces.
Donghyuck never comes back after what happened that night. Mark is sad, pissed, but after all he misses Donghyuck. He wishes all of that won’t make Donghyuck go. But still he left, tormented Mark with all of the good memories.
Mark can still feel Donghyuck's present at the rooftop, the scent of him still lingers in the open air, making it hard for Mark to breathe. That rooftop was a special place for them, at least Mark thought like that before Donghyuck left him wretched. Or maybe that was Mark's fault because he can't accept the fact that Donghyuck only wants Mark to be his friend, nothing more, while Mark yearning for more. Wishing somehow Donghyuck viewed him as a lover, someone he loves who loves him back, but that's merely a pipe dream Mark builds to neglect the harsh reality, where the one who's drunk in love is him and not Donghyuck. Mark tries so hard to accept the bitter reality, but no matter how many bottles he drinks he keeps remembering Donghyuck's cherry lips, pressed against his own lips, how alluring Donghyuck's face is when he grasps for air after they parted, and that drives Mark crazy.
The fight in his house somehow becomes common; he doesn't even feel the pain when his father kicks him. Maybe he's just so numb after Donghyuck left. All the bad things he did only cause him temporary consequences while being with Donghyuck cost him a broken soul after he left. And he can’t even stop himself from tormenting every piece that left inside him. Without Donghyuck everything is just blurry, the canvas that once bloomed with red, now is even bluer than before.
