I haven’t had a social hangout since March 2020.
A woman I’d been dating was the last person I saw in a social capacity. When lockdown started in late March, she said she didn’t know how she’d be able to go a few months not seeing me. She started a relationship (Facebook officially) with a guy in June 2020. They’ve just had their 2nd anniversary. She didn’t actually tell me she was seeing him until September 2020.
In the last two years, the closest I’ve gotten to a social hang out was waking up early to take a friend to a tattoo appointment, which I offered to take her too because getting to interact with a friend in person for once was worth being tired for.
This week, I offered a friend a ride, but she chose to wait for the bus. I got home to a message that the bus wasn’t coming, so I instantly got back in my car to get her. I also dropped off a birthday card for her earlier in the year, and had a 10 minute chat. Hardly what I’d call “Social hang outs”.
Every other attempt I’ve made at seeing anyone has fallen through. People who initiated making plans with me have ghosted me on the day. cancelled on the day, or otherwise had the plans fall through.
I’ve been blocked out of the blue randomly by several people despite conversation leading up to it being perfectly normal day to day chatter.
People who’ve I’ve talked to daily for years through DMs, have borderline avoided seeing me at all in person.
A woman I’ve been interested in, who says it’s “Their loss” when people wont spend time with me... also wont spend time with me. This week she got into a relationship with a guy who’s “maybe too nice. Great guy, bought her gifts, and “Made so much effort”.... all things I’ve been to her. And I know feelings are uncontrollable, and no one can be made to like someone, but it’s heart wrenching to hear someone I truly feel it could work with, describe the guy she’s just gotten with as being an almost carbon copy of things she’s said about me.
And when she gets with him 2 days after he got a tinder notification during a date... claimed he “Forgot to take it off” his phone, on a phone she knows he bought recently while they’ve been dating... and they STILL make the relationship official. What the fuck do I have to do when someone like that is a better choice than me?
I know it’s defeatist, but I’ve honestly accepted dying alone as an inevitability.
And then to be told I “Haven’t met the right woman yet”, is endlessly soul crushing.
How can I expect to find “The one”, when people wont spend time with me socially, nevermind romantically?
How can I hope to find someone, when the people I like end up dating people with incredibly similar traits to me, but mess them around?
People are baffled by the fact I always do things on my own, like karting, like bowling, like archery, like going on vacation alone... but considering my first actual, planned social hang out since March 2020 requires me to fly nearly 4,800 miles away to a different continent, how can I feel ok in myself?
As much as I’ll be stubbonly Myself as much as possible, and be true to myself, and not put on masks with people to pretend I’m someone I’m not... it’s an incredibly hard pill to swallow when being “Myself”, naturally means being alone for the vast majority of my life.
Most people don’t know what to say when I share this stuff. Some attempt to use cookie cutter comforting with templated, cliché lines that I stopped believing decades ago. I don’t need comforting. I don’t need reassurances. I don’t need empty words and gestures.
I need a world that’s locked off to me. A world that, for whatever reason that’s unknown to me, seems to try its damnedest to block me out. A world that’s making sure I stay in my lane, alone.
I’m not ok. And despite the fact I fly to Austin in 7 days from now, until I’m on that plane I have zero confidence that I’ll ACTUALLY be going. I have this sense of dread that something is going to block me from going, and will keep me locked up in my solitary life that for a portion of 2020 and 2021 many referred to as “Quarantine“.
