I am OFFICIALLY licensed as a canadian “school” teacher after navigating five years in post-secondary education. Patience.
Graduation felt like a sort of freedom, it felt nice-ish to obtain the esteemed status of university graduate. Be grateful. Further privilege of having two degrees and no looming debt to repay.
Yes, objectively in an incredibly fortunate position,
subjectively in a state of fright.
What am I going to do with this sort of freedom? Take a position in Calgary, be “financially stable”, stay close to family and friends and try and make a difference in whatever school and whatever classroom I commit to? Fine, except for the malaise, the lack of passion, curiosity and inspiration I feel in Calgary - I am still full of energy, of wanderlust.
I anticipated teaching abroad ever since my first year at university and now was my chance. China, Taiwan or Sweden… “realistically” my BEST professional work opportunities. I also applied to work in the French Caribbean but I thought it unlikely I would get the position, it seemed surreal and besides, the pay would be much lower. There are no free lunches.
I was pretty sure I would take the position in Sweden until I received my offer for Guadeloupe - it felt right. I would be moving to the island for the year and in the mean time I would live in my favourite canadian city, a place I could see myself longterm, Montréal. Feeling of spontaneity.
I felt confident, I wanted to succeed, whatever that means. I took on two jobs, I wanted to keep busy, to be seen working hard - there are no free lunches… I felt like I needed to put in extra hustle to deserve living in my dream city. I had my cats, I had my favourite job, I had my city and I was going to move in with my little sister. I adapted to ever-changing plans and moved 3 times from Calgary to the last apartment in Montréal with my sister but I couldn’t have been happier with my reality. Feeling of resilience.
I met Holly. We fell in love. The universe smiles. I am learning to live my truth. I am not walking this path alone anymore. My heart fire.
Montréal was truly successful, I built a stronger relationship with my sister and with my family in consequence.
As the summer was ending I began to feel the pressures of having been over-committed, over-worked and over-stressed about what the next chapter would look like. I was anxious. Leaving Holly, leaving our city, leaving my sister and my family and starting my first teaching contract.
Fortunately the second family reunion was taking place in Portugal. A buffer before the leap to Guadeloupe. A time to connect with the family through love and support. This was a particularly difficult transition from my summer situation due to an inability to address my own anxieties about Guadeloupe and the next chapter in life. I am grateful for mum, for my brothers and sisters and my niece, my aunts and my uncles and each of my cousins. I am hopeful for reconciliation and recovery with my dad.
I am working toward a positive connection with myself, to be present without attachment, to foster positive self-talk and to let go of expectations.
Now two months in the Caribbean on mon petit french island. La Guadeloupe, a region of the world that many Canadians would consider to be a “holiday spot” or somewhere to escape the cold… except when there are hurricanes. Coincidentally I arrived just after hurricane Maria which followed hurricane Irma. This was just an unusually violent end to the annual hurricane season. Canada has winter… Gwada has hurricanes.
I want to describe the first two months here as “fast-paced” but in retrospect that would really only reflect my mental state. I felt anxious about getting established once again in a new place, a new culture, surrounded by new people who speak yet another foreign language. I have overcome similar challenges in the past- but I can’t help feeling intimidated.
Patience, spontaneity and and resilience. The island has led me to foster these qualities.
Leading up to my arrival I received very little information from the island. Almost nothing from my partner teachers but some helpful tips from previous years’ language assistants. Luckily one of my partner teachers was at the airport to receive me. Happy Michael.
The most memorable tip from the first interaction with my partner teacher:
There is basically one road around the island so it is important to learn the Gwada pace.
I am familiar with the French pace… but Gwada pace is on a totally other level. “Si on est capable de faire la poste et la banque dans la même journée, on est chanceux”.
It is near impossible to have freedom on the island without a vehicle, public transit is unreliable and inefficient. Step one - Jimny… I really got lucky. Ol’ Jimny has character and is a light amidst the whirlwind of bureaucratic BS getting established. Bank, phone, insurance, school contracts, proof of residence without actually having an official residence. Documents on documents to distribute during limited work hours coupled with traffic jams and intermittent storms, hurricane repairs and 4 hour line ups.
(^this is supposed to be a GIF but I “gif” up)
My living situation is worth a recap. I messaged some american assistants who worked in the same area I was placed and one put me in contact with a woman who had proposed free housing in exchange for english tutoring for her children. Despite a lack of communication before my arrival I was convinced that this was BY FAR my best option… financially at least. I stayed with my partner teacher for the first week and rented a vehicle to be able to get set up independently (before buying Jimny). I went to meet the woman at her parents house where I would have a room. I was pleased with what seemed like a comfortable living situation however I discovered that she had not really forewarned her parents of the proposed exchange. The grandparents were understandably rather uncomfortable but I was confident that I would be able to charm them. On move in day the grandmother was particularly cold and inhospitable and I felt quite unwelcome. After bringing my bags into the room I was informed that I would need to pay for electricity and water which was still reasonable despite no longer sounding like the initial exchange. Price was 250 euros which is roughly the same price as a basic room rental with everything included. I messaged the mother (never available over the phone) about the newly proposed deal to get a better idea of her expectations and after a few days she responded with an ambiguous message about sorting it out with her parents. Meanwhile I had very uncomfortable interactions with the grandparents. I was feeling uneasy, it was quite clear that I was an unwelcome guest, paying rent or not. Finally when I asked about washing my clothes the response was a flurry of frustration about having a renter that they didn’t want… I knew it was time to find a new place to live. I came across a beautiful apartment which was much further from the schools I would be working at but much closer to the only places I felt at ease (a quiet beach with waves “bananier” and the yoga studio). The greatest relief is to feel completely independent, it is not as CHEAP but it is worth it. There are no free lunches.
Compared to the arrival of Esteban, a spanish language assistant from Columbia I managed quite well. He was greeted at the airport by a shouting match between partner teachers as to who would take responsibility for him followed by a night on a dirty insect infested mattress on the floor in a small but expensive basement dungeon. With no way to get around and no one to guide him through the french bureaucracy I was happy to have met him when I did. It has been nice to meet the other assistants, they are each on a unique path with unique perspectives and values in life.
Today. I feel good. I am beginning to understand my role in the schools and find a rhythm in my day to day life. Anxiety can be overwhelming at times but if I make time for myself, to get in the water, to get on my yoga matt or on my bike and meditate - I am reminded of how lucky I am to be well, to be living a life of adventure, to be supported by my family and my girlfriend, to just be.
(GIF?! :( )
Fear of failure...?
Fear is a powerful thing, I mean it has got a lot of firepower. If you can figure out a way to wrestle that fear to push you from behind rather than to stand in front of you, that is very powerful. - Jimmy Iovine
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